Hello everyone. I am here to share my story and seek advice/ any insight that could be offered if anyone can relate to my situation or at least a part of it. There is plenty to go around but ill try to condense and make it interesting.
I find myself everyday asking myself the question: who am I, what do I like, and why? I could be with 1 person or 5 and it's a big effort just to keep the conversation from dying. Conversations just seem to end sometimes, awkwardly, as I can never make up my mind anymore, not sure if I was able to before. I have no opinion and when i do it seems to never advance the conversation but it's not interesting to people. For example, the other day I was in one of my college classes and the instructor gave us a short break. During these breaks, students go outside for quick nicotine fixes and i am one of them. I always just want to strike up conversation and be "normal" and not shy or quiet but i get distracted and converstaions die. Anyway, I ask one girl from my class to use her lighter. I find it odd to ask for it and not attemt to talk to the person so I ask how she thinks she did on the test. My mind races with thoughts and i'm trying to figure out what am I gonna say next. Is this normal? We exchange a few thoughts about the test but there are pauses and gaps of awkward silences in the conversation. I know i should be talking but its like im lost and don't know anything to say so when she talks i agree with what is said or say something like ya, ya, right, for real, wow, lame stuff like that. Or ill ask a question just to keep the convo going and a lot of times I'm not even interested or could care less about the question i ask. I guess i'm a terrible conversationalist because i'm never "in the moment" i'm perpetually unsure of myself, having a hard time deciding what it is i want, like, enjoy, etc. My mind just dwells on things. I tend to get something in my head and break it down, examing it for the good and bad. For instance, sometimes it will take me like 20 mins to send a text message. if someone says what's up, i don't always just say what i'm doing. Out of a desire to not seem boring or lame, ill try to be creative with my responses to simple questions like what's up. Thing is, I'm not crazy, I haven't lost my mind. I know some of my logic and reasoning for doing things i do, and going to great lengths to seem normal, is strange. It's abnormal behavior but its not because im looney, i think. I may lack some common sense and basic social skills but i've always excelled in school. Right now I'm taking paralegal in college. My grades are all A's but I'd trade an A in school for an A in life anyday of the week. They say you need excellant communcation and ppl skills to excell in this field and that slightly worries me. I wish i were filthy rich and could cruise my yacht with a hot blonde wife thats dumb and easy to please. But back to the concern...
I've only noticed my problem with identity and self esteem the past year. I never seen this coming, really. I'm 22 and i've been sober from weed for about 15 months now, still cant believe it. I was a heavy smoker in my day. I started smoking when i was a freshman in high school, and why i don't know i just thought it was cool. It helped get me away from reality. There was always tension in my family and i would flock to the weed. My step dad and I could never get along, or at least live together without pissing each other off. He was always pissed at me for something, ever since i was like 5 but i wasn't smoking that young. I used to tell myself, when i was smoking, that i avoided conversations and people because i was always high. I couldn't put together clear thoughts or articulate myself in a way that made much sense, so i stayed within a circle of pot heads and it was difficult to wonder outside of it. But, since i've quit, it's like the weed was an excuse and i can never think with a clear mind when i'm sober. I experience irrational fears and slight paranoia. I tend to think, when im in class or walking on campus, or in any situation with other people around, that everyone notices my anxiety/paranoia/uptightness and they don't know what to think. I wish they knew the childhood i had with my as****e step dad, the frequent moving, the fights between my parents, so they might at least understand why i never seem happy but I can't stand being given sympathy. It's mushy. But, of course, I would never give this kind of info to just anybody so I tell myself, "if they only knew". Though, this is no remedy, it doesn't make things better. I believe some medication could possibly improve my state. I'm so sick of always feeling down, stressed, out-of-touch, unhappy, distraught, regretful, resentful and I know this shows to other people. People have said before that I always look so serious. They think i need to loosen up a bit and i agree but i don't know how to. Just last week, one instructor, in a small class, put me on the spot in front of the class and asked me, do I ever smile? For some reason, she's right, that's an effort to me. I smile but not a lot. It really depends on my current mood, which shifts quite often. After she asked me, the whole class turns to look at me and i smile in a phony way because that seems like the best thing to do in that situation.
This may not be very clearly written but hopefully you get the point. I wrote this to get some of the sh*t out of my head and maybe find someone who can relate. If anyone has any suggestions or has experienced the same problems I'd like to hear about it.
Peace-
I find myself everyday asking myself the question: who am I, what do I like, and why? I could be with 1 person or 5 and it's a big effort just to keep the conversation from dying. Conversations just seem to end sometimes, awkwardly, as I can never make up my mind anymore, not sure if I was able to before. I have no opinion and when i do it seems to never advance the conversation but it's not interesting to people. For example, the other day I was in one of my college classes and the instructor gave us a short break. During these breaks, students go outside for quick nicotine fixes and i am one of them. I always just want to strike up conversation and be "normal" and not shy or quiet but i get distracted and converstaions die. Anyway, I ask one girl from my class to use her lighter. I find it odd to ask for it and not attemt to talk to the person so I ask how she thinks she did on the test. My mind races with thoughts and i'm trying to figure out what am I gonna say next. Is this normal? We exchange a few thoughts about the test but there are pauses and gaps of awkward silences in the conversation. I know i should be talking but its like im lost and don't know anything to say so when she talks i agree with what is said or say something like ya, ya, right, for real, wow, lame stuff like that. Or ill ask a question just to keep the convo going and a lot of times I'm not even interested or could care less about the question i ask. I guess i'm a terrible conversationalist because i'm never "in the moment" i'm perpetually unsure of myself, having a hard time deciding what it is i want, like, enjoy, etc. My mind just dwells on things. I tend to get something in my head and break it down, examing it for the good and bad. For instance, sometimes it will take me like 20 mins to send a text message. if someone says what's up, i don't always just say what i'm doing. Out of a desire to not seem boring or lame, ill try to be creative with my responses to simple questions like what's up. Thing is, I'm not crazy, I haven't lost my mind. I know some of my logic and reasoning for doing things i do, and going to great lengths to seem normal, is strange. It's abnormal behavior but its not because im looney, i think. I may lack some common sense and basic social skills but i've always excelled in school. Right now I'm taking paralegal in college. My grades are all A's but I'd trade an A in school for an A in life anyday of the week. They say you need excellant communcation and ppl skills to excell in this field and that slightly worries me. I wish i were filthy rich and could cruise my yacht with a hot blonde wife thats dumb and easy to please. But back to the concern...
I've only noticed my problem with identity and self esteem the past year. I never seen this coming, really. I'm 22 and i've been sober from weed for about 15 months now, still cant believe it. I was a heavy smoker in my day. I started smoking when i was a freshman in high school, and why i don't know i just thought it was cool. It helped get me away from reality. There was always tension in my family and i would flock to the weed. My step dad and I could never get along, or at least live together without pissing each other off. He was always pissed at me for something, ever since i was like 5 but i wasn't smoking that young. I used to tell myself, when i was smoking, that i avoided conversations and people because i was always high. I couldn't put together clear thoughts or articulate myself in a way that made much sense, so i stayed within a circle of pot heads and it was difficult to wonder outside of it. But, since i've quit, it's like the weed was an excuse and i can never think with a clear mind when i'm sober. I experience irrational fears and slight paranoia. I tend to think, when im in class or walking on campus, or in any situation with other people around, that everyone notices my anxiety/paranoia/uptightness and they don't know what to think. I wish they knew the childhood i had with my as****e step dad, the frequent moving, the fights between my parents, so they might at least understand why i never seem happy but I can't stand being given sympathy. It's mushy. But, of course, I would never give this kind of info to just anybody so I tell myself, "if they only knew". Though, this is no remedy, it doesn't make things better. I believe some medication could possibly improve my state. I'm so sick of always feeling down, stressed, out-of-touch, unhappy, distraught, regretful, resentful and I know this shows to other people. People have said before that I always look so serious. They think i need to loosen up a bit and i agree but i don't know how to. Just last week, one instructor, in a small class, put me on the spot in front of the class and asked me, do I ever smile? For some reason, she's right, that's an effort to me. I smile but not a lot. It really depends on my current mood, which shifts quite often. After she asked me, the whole class turns to look at me and i smile in a phony way because that seems like the best thing to do in that situation.
This may not be very clearly written but hopefully you get the point. I wrote this to get some of the sh*t out of my head and maybe find someone who can relate. If anyone has any suggestions or has experienced the same problems I'd like to hear about it.
Peace-
Hi Jsupreme,
Let me share my experience first. I have been such a happy girl until I was 2nd year University student at the age of 18 when i have been brutally raped by a guy who I was really afraid of and despise the moment i laid my eyes on him in my father's company. Before the incident, he always stared at me and that always left me shivering inside. After the cruel incident, i tried my heart out to tell some one about it but just could not. I have such a good and close relation ship with my parents but couldn't even relate it to them. I kept it to myself and tried to go on in life as if nothing happened. I didn't even go to hospital. I always thought every one around me might be thinking and talking about it and sympathizing for me .... and started to detach myself from everyone unconsciously. my friends could not understand the complete personality change and started to ignore me. i was always so depressed but maintained my excellent scores in the school. I always wrote a diary since i was 13 but the one thing i couldn't write down was this incident.
Just after i got a job after graduation, i met a friend and even then couldn't stop myself from being quiet and was always unsure of myself. one day she boldly told me that i was disturbingly quiet and even when i try to have conversations i was unorganized and lost. (You said that some times it would take you almost 20 minutes to just send a single txt message. pls believe me when i tell you that it was much more difficult for me because i keep on erasing, writing, erasing again.... and then i would decide to send it later with better ideas. even after much suffering if i managed to send it, i would keep on regretting each of the words thinking that i could have sent it with better words and /or explanations). She said that she thinks i am beautiful, educated with a good job and have got rich family,... and that she couldn't see a single reason why i could always have such a sad and depressed face ever. When she said it i could see her sincere concern and started to panic with a thought of losing her too. I went home earlier, sat down, cried my heart out and tried to visualize every thing from that particular incident and how much it is costing me. in our culture ladies are expected to be virgin before marriage and even after being married if that was not the case (that the girl is not virgin) the husband would mostly file for divorce or mistreat the girl to the point where she would flee from the marriage by herself. I thought of every thing and told myself that what happened already happened and nothing could change that but i am the one who can allow or say no to the damage it is causing after wards. i told myself that even though everyone is keeping it to him/herself, they must have had some thing that they cop up with in their lives and i shouldn't do less to make mine right. I started laughing at myself for the past grief and all .... and vowed to fight for better. i told my self that to start with at least i was best at school and if any body could get it right, i could too. Next morning, i invited my friend for a cup of tea and while we were having it i was all smiles and trying to at least give her proper responses. she asked what happened and i said nothing but that i was in the mood for fun today. i even offered if she could go to cinema with me after work ...... finally after a real effort it became customary for me to hear people telling me that i am so lovely, understanding, confident, easy to converse with,.... i even decided that whoever wants to marry me should really deserve me no matter what. i slowly built back my confidence. At 25 i met some one whom i really liked and i was sure that it wouldn't hurt me a bit if he left me after knowing that i'm not virgin as my previous boy friend did. i haven't even given him the rape excuse (for fear of looking weak and i really wanted to know his real feelings to such issues). we are now happily married for 2years, i have completed my study for masters degree in Business and have a very good position in my organization. I am now 28.
You have presented the whole thing in such a coordinated manner and with excellent explanations, in which i have seen how good you are in communicating and making others understand. Start working at it slowly first by telling yourself how good you are at school and other areas that you are sure of. in the morning look at your self in the mirror and tell yourself how brilliant you are and how much you don't want to waste it and you deserve every good thing in life. Then if possible try to have one good friend who wouldn't demand you much, you don't necessarily need to tell him every thing but try to get along as mush as possible by really listening to him and come up with right responses. then step by step you can initiate any topic you want not because you have to but because you want to. don't push it hard on your self. If you don't feel it at that moment then you just don't. you can do it later on. you live your life simply. You just don't blame your self for dying out of conversations or for someone losing interest in it. Why should you? the other party in the conversation is as much responsible as you are! it is ok to be wrong and it is ok to make mistakes. don't place on your self such high standards that would keep you struggling to meeting them.
Look at other disadvantaged (by nature) individuals to know that it may not be even fair to complain about what we have now as compared to their problems, thank God that we r healthy, able to notice what is disturbing us (you did this much earlier and better than me), and we r trying to solve it!!! Most importantly, in the process we r trying to do right to and please ourselves and others by dealing with the issue.
Also know that there is always some one out there who loves you and cares for you in many ways that you are not even aware of. you can count me as number one if you want b/c i really felt such a link with you when i read your stories and knew how much you are ready and in fact capable of doing what it takes to help yourself if only you try with out worrying much.
May Allah be with you always!! Good Luck!!!
Let me share my experience first. I have been such a happy girl until I was 2nd year University student at the age of 18 when i have been brutally raped by a guy who I was really afraid of and despise the moment i laid my eyes on him in my father's company. Before the incident, he always stared at me and that always left me shivering inside. After the cruel incident, i tried my heart out to tell some one about it but just could not. I have such a good and close relation ship with my parents but couldn't even relate it to them. I kept it to myself and tried to go on in life as if nothing happened. I didn't even go to hospital. I always thought every one around me might be thinking and talking about it and sympathizing for me .... and started to detach myself from everyone unconsciously. my friends could not understand the complete personality change and started to ignore me. i was always so depressed but maintained my excellent scores in the school. I always wrote a diary since i was 13 but the one thing i couldn't write down was this incident.
Just after i got a job after graduation, i met a friend and even then couldn't stop myself from being quiet and was always unsure of myself. one day she boldly told me that i was disturbingly quiet and even when i try to have conversations i was unorganized and lost. (You said that some times it would take you almost 20 minutes to just send a single txt message. pls believe me when i tell you that it was much more difficult for me because i keep on erasing, writing, erasing again.... and then i would decide to send it later with better ideas. even after much suffering if i managed to send it, i would keep on regretting each of the words thinking that i could have sent it with better words and /or explanations). She said that she thinks i am beautiful, educated with a good job and have got rich family,... and that she couldn't see a single reason why i could always have such a sad and depressed face ever. When she said it i could see her sincere concern and started to panic with a thought of losing her too. I went home earlier, sat down, cried my heart out and tried to visualize every thing from that particular incident and how much it is costing me. in our culture ladies are expected to be virgin before marriage and even after being married if that was not the case (that the girl is not virgin) the husband would mostly file for divorce or mistreat the girl to the point where she would flee from the marriage by herself. I thought of every thing and told myself that what happened already happened and nothing could change that but i am the one who can allow or say no to the damage it is causing after wards. i told myself that even though everyone is keeping it to him/herself, they must have had some thing that they cop up with in their lives and i shouldn't do less to make mine right. I started laughing at myself for the past grief and all .... and vowed to fight for better. i told my self that to start with at least i was best at school and if any body could get it right, i could too. Next morning, i invited my friend for a cup of tea and while we were having it i was all smiles and trying to at least give her proper responses. she asked what happened and i said nothing but that i was in the mood for fun today. i even offered if she could go to cinema with me after work ...... finally after a real effort it became customary for me to hear people telling me that i am so lovely, understanding, confident, easy to converse with,.... i even decided that whoever wants to marry me should really deserve me no matter what. i slowly built back my confidence. At 25 i met some one whom i really liked and i was sure that it wouldn't hurt me a bit if he left me after knowing that i'm not virgin as my previous boy friend did. i haven't even given him the rape excuse (for fear of looking weak and i really wanted to know his real feelings to such issues). we are now happily married for 2years, i have completed my study for masters degree in Business and have a very good position in my organization. I am now 28.
You have presented the whole thing in such a coordinated manner and with excellent explanations, in which i have seen how good you are in communicating and making others understand. Start working at it slowly first by telling yourself how good you are at school and other areas that you are sure of. in the morning look at your self in the mirror and tell yourself how brilliant you are and how much you don't want to waste it and you deserve every good thing in life. Then if possible try to have one good friend who wouldn't demand you much, you don't necessarily need to tell him every thing but try to get along as mush as possible by really listening to him and come up with right responses. then step by step you can initiate any topic you want not because you have to but because you want to. don't push it hard on your self. If you don't feel it at that moment then you just don't. you can do it later on. you live your life simply. You just don't blame your self for dying out of conversations or for someone losing interest in it. Why should you? the other party in the conversation is as much responsible as you are! it is ok to be wrong and it is ok to make mistakes. don't place on your self such high standards that would keep you struggling to meeting them.
Look at other disadvantaged (by nature) individuals to know that it may not be even fair to complain about what we have now as compared to their problems, thank God that we r healthy, able to notice what is disturbing us (you did this much earlier and better than me), and we r trying to solve it!!! Most importantly, in the process we r trying to do right to and please ourselves and others by dealing with the issue.
Also know that there is always some one out there who loves you and cares for you in many ways that you are not even aware of. you can count me as number one if you want b/c i really felt such a link with you when i read your stories and knew how much you are ready and in fact capable of doing what it takes to help yourself if only you try with out worrying much.
May Allah be with you always!! Good Luck!!!
Hi Jsupreme,
Let me share my experience first. I have been such a happy girl until I was 2nd year University student at the age of 18 when i have been brutally raped by a guy who I was really afraid of and despise of the moment i laid my eyes on him in my father's company. Before the incident, he always stared at me and that always left me shivering inside. After the cruel incident, i tried my heart out to tell some one about it but just could not. I have such a good and close relation ship with my parents but couldn't even relate it to them. I kept it to myself and tried to go on in life as if nothing happened. I didn't even go to hospital. I always thought every one around me might be thinking and talking about it and sympathizing for me .... and started to detach myself from everyone unconsciously. my friends could not understand the complete personality change and started to ignore me. i was always so depressed but maintained my excellent scores in the school. I always wrote a diary since i was 13 but the one thing i couldn't write down was this incident.
Just after i got a job after graduation, i met a friend and even then couldn't stop myself from being quiet and was always unsure of myself. one day she boldly told me that i was disturbingly quiet and even when i try to have conversations i was unorganized and lost. (You said that some times it would take you almost 20 minutes to just send a single txt message. pls believe me when i tell you that it was much more difficult for me because i keep on erasing, writing, erasing again.... and then i would decide to send it later with better ideas. even after much suffering if i managed to send it, i would keep on regretting each of the words thinking that i could have sent it with better words and /or explanations). She said that she thinks i am beautiful, educated with a good job and have got rich family,... and that she couldn't see a single reason why i could always have such a sad and depressed face ever. When she said it i could see her sincere concern and started to panic with a thought of losing her too. I went home earlier, sat down, cried my heart out and tried to visualize every thing from that particular incident and how much it is costing me. In my country's culture, found in Africa, regardless of their religion, ladies are expected to be virgin before marriage. Even after being married if the girl is not virgin the husband would mostly file for divorce or mistreat the girl to the point where she would flee from the marriage by herself. I thought of every thing and told myself that what happened already happened and nothing could change that but i am the one who can allow or say no to the damage it is causing after wards. i told myself that even though everyone is keeping it to him/herself, most of them must have had some thing that they cop up with in their lives and i shouldn't do less to make mine right. I started laughing at myself for the past grief and all .... and vowed to fight for better. i told my self that to start with at least i was best at school and if any body could get it right, i could too. Next morning, i invited my friend for a cup of tea and while we were having it i was all smiles and trying to at least give her proper responses. she asked what happened and i said nothing but that i was in the mood for fun today. i even offered if she could go to cinema with me after work ...... finally after a real effort it became customary for me to hear people telling me that i am so lovely, understanding, confident, easy to converse with,.... i even decided that whoever wants to marry me should really deserve me as my father kept on reminding me always. I slowly built back my confidence . At 24 i met some one whom i really liked and i was sure that it wouldn't hurt me a bit if he left me after knowing that i was not virgin. i haven't even given him the rape excuse (for fear of looking weak and i really wanted to know his real feelings to such issues). I am now 28 happily married to him, my lovely husband who never forgets to tell me how proud of me he is, for 3 years. I have completed my study for masters degree in Business and have a very good position in my organization.
You have presented the whole thing in such a coordinated manner and with excellent explanations, in which i have witnessed how good you are in communicating and making others understand. Start working at it slowly first by telling yourself how good you are at school and other areas that you need to be proud of. in the morning look at your self in the mirror and tell yourself how brilliant you are and how much you don't want to waste it and that you deserve every good thing in life. Then if possible try to have one good friend who wouldn't demand you much, you don't necessarily need to tell him every thing but try to get along as mush as possible by really listening to him and come up with right responses as much as possible. Then step by step you can initiate any topic you want not because you have to but because you want to with any one you feel to have conversation with. don't push it hard on your self. If you don't feel it at that moment then you just don't. you can do it later on. you live your life simply. don't place on your self such high standards that would keep you struggling to meeting them. You just don't blame your self for dying out of conversations or for someone losing interest in it. Why should you? the other party in the conversation is as much responsible as you are! it is ok to be wrong and it is ok to make mistakes and learn from them.
Look at other disadvantaged (by nature) individuals to know that it may not be even fair to complain about what we have now as compared to their problems, thank God that we r healthy, able to notice what is disturbing us (you did this much earlier and better than me), and we r trying to solve it!!! Most importantly, in the process we r trying to do right to ourselves and others by dealing with the issue.
Also know that there is always some one out there who loves you the way you are and cares for you in many ways that you are not even aware of. you can count me as number one if you want b/c i really felt such a link with you when i read your stories and knew how much you are ready and in fact capable of doing what it takes to help yourself if only you try with out worrying much.
May Allah be with you always!! Good Luck!!!
Let me share my experience first. I have been such a happy girl until I was 2nd year University student at the age of 18 when i have been brutally raped by a guy who I was really afraid of and despise of the moment i laid my eyes on him in my father's company. Before the incident, he always stared at me and that always left me shivering inside. After the cruel incident, i tried my heart out to tell some one about it but just could not. I have such a good and close relation ship with my parents but couldn't even relate it to them. I kept it to myself and tried to go on in life as if nothing happened. I didn't even go to hospital. I always thought every one around me might be thinking and talking about it and sympathizing for me .... and started to detach myself from everyone unconsciously. my friends could not understand the complete personality change and started to ignore me. i was always so depressed but maintained my excellent scores in the school. I always wrote a diary since i was 13 but the one thing i couldn't write down was this incident.
Just after i got a job after graduation, i met a friend and even then couldn't stop myself from being quiet and was always unsure of myself. one day she boldly told me that i was disturbingly quiet and even when i try to have conversations i was unorganized and lost. (You said that some times it would take you almost 20 minutes to just send a single txt message. pls believe me when i tell you that it was much more difficult for me because i keep on erasing, writing, erasing again.... and then i would decide to send it later with better ideas. even after much suffering if i managed to send it, i would keep on regretting each of the words thinking that i could have sent it with better words and /or explanations). She said that she thinks i am beautiful, educated with a good job and have got rich family,... and that she couldn't see a single reason why i could always have such a sad and depressed face ever. When she said it i could see her sincere concern and started to panic with a thought of losing her too. I went home earlier, sat down, cried my heart out and tried to visualize every thing from that particular incident and how much it is costing me. In my country's culture, found in Africa, regardless of their religion, ladies are expected to be virgin before marriage. Even after being married if the girl is not virgin the husband would mostly file for divorce or mistreat the girl to the point where she would flee from the marriage by herself. I thought of every thing and told myself that what happened already happened and nothing could change that but i am the one who can allow or say no to the damage it is causing after wards. i told myself that even though everyone is keeping it to him/herself, most of them must have had some thing that they cop up with in their lives and i shouldn't do less to make mine right. I started laughing at myself for the past grief and all .... and vowed to fight for better. i told my self that to start with at least i was best at school and if any body could get it right, i could too. Next morning, i invited my friend for a cup of tea and while we were having it i was all smiles and trying to at least give her proper responses. she asked what happened and i said nothing but that i was in the mood for fun today. i even offered if she could go to cinema with me after work ...... finally after a real effort it became customary for me to hear people telling me that i am so lovely, understanding, confident, easy to converse with,.... i even decided that whoever wants to marry me should really deserve me as my father kept on reminding me always. I slowly built back my confidence . At 24 i met some one whom i really liked and i was sure that it wouldn't hurt me a bit if he left me after knowing that i was not virgin. i haven't even given him the rape excuse (for fear of looking weak and i really wanted to know his real feelings to such issues). I am now 28 happily married to him, my lovely husband who never forgets to tell me how proud of me he is, for 3 years. I have completed my study for masters degree in Business and have a very good position in my organization.
You have presented the whole thing in such a coordinated manner and with excellent explanations, in which i have witnessed how good you are in communicating and making others understand. Start working at it slowly first by telling yourself how good you are at school and other areas that you need to be proud of. in the morning look at your self in the mirror and tell yourself how brilliant you are and how much you don't want to waste it and that you deserve every good thing in life. Then if possible try to have one good friend who wouldn't demand you much, you don't necessarily need to tell him every thing but try to get along as mush as possible by really listening to him and come up with right responses as much as possible. Then step by step you can initiate any topic you want not because you have to but because you want to with any one you feel to have conversation with. don't push it hard on your self. If you don't feel it at that moment then you just don't. you can do it later on. you live your life simply. don't place on your self such high standards that would keep you struggling to meeting them. You just don't blame your self for dying out of conversations or for someone losing interest in it. Why should you? the other party in the conversation is as much responsible as you are! it is ok to be wrong and it is ok to make mistakes and learn from them.
Look at other disadvantaged (by nature) individuals to know that it may not be even fair to complain about what we have now as compared to their problems, thank God that we r healthy, able to notice what is disturbing us (you did this much earlier and better than me), and we r trying to solve it!!! Most importantly, in the process we r trying to do right to ourselves and others by dealing with the issue.
Also know that there is always some one out there who loves you the way you are and cares for you in many ways that you are not even aware of. you can count me as number one if you want b/c i really felt such a link with you when i read your stories and knew how much you are ready and in fact capable of doing what it takes to help yourself if only you try with out worrying much.
May Allah be with you always!! Good Luck!!!
islampeace,
I read your post and you had a lot of good points. It's like being in a shell that can't be cracked. It sounds like you understand where i'm coming from. Your story was very insighful and sorry to hear about what happened. It seems like you are doing much better now, though. That's good. So, what was the impact on you when your friend came out and said you were disturbingly quiet? I mean, i think that might help me if i heard that, i don't know though. Was it at that point when you began to crack your shell, when she told you that?
Jsupreme
I read your post and you had a lot of good points. It's like being in a shell that can't be cracked. It sounds like you understand where i'm coming from. Your story was very insighful and sorry to hear about what happened. It seems like you are doing much better now, though. That's good. So, what was the impact on you when your friend came out and said you were disturbingly quiet? I mean, i think that might help me if i heard that, i don't know though. Was it at that point when you began to crack your shell, when she told you that?
Jsupreme
Dear Jsupreme
As I told you I was so furious at my self when my friend told me that I was disturbingly quiet and my face always looked sad and depressed. I guess when i came back and tried to socialize with her the next day, it was an attempt of denial by my side. I was over trying to convince her and I think myself too that I was normal. As I was trying to share my experiences with you I was so reserved at first in putting details. It took my friend’s patting me on the shoulder to do it and one or two rewriting. EVEN NOW!. I and my friend were at my office yesterday when we accidentally came across this wonderful site as we were looking up for some medical information about my friend’s daughter. We were happy with the site’s scope and both registered. By the way, I tried to post my msg repeatedly with my username Peaceee which kept on failing so I sent it by my friend’s user name Islampeace. So from now on I am going to post with my own username. To come back to the issue, so you see that is why u need to take it step by step and slowly. I guess yours also involve the need for internal healing for the damage done during your childhood.
You are not responsible for your step father’s behavior or for the family’s instability or the fights between your parents. First you believe this your self and then talk about it to a friend you began to trust and who understands you some how. Or go to a professional and talk it out and get help for the underlying childhood issues.
As you said I think it definitely was at that spot that I started to crack my shell. I can’t thank my friend enough for not being much criticizing for me after the first one and always being there for me. I was progressing very slowly and some times I found myself back at the first spot but kept on trying really hard. I witnessed some real progresses in communicating, socializing, etc except for fear of having a boy friend. I did not have a boy friend until I was 24 when I met my first one who left me after 3 & ½ months just after he knew what happened. I guess this was the other stepping stone that helped me start talking about every thing to my friend. She said she knew all these times that there was something bothering me though I have changed a lot from the first time we met. She said “so what? Let him go!” She also told me that she thought I was very strong for a lady who experienced this in her life. She also thought that I put such a high standard on my self and try to be perfect. She said what happened was not my fault and I should stop punishing myself for it. I really needed to believe that no part of it was my fault. She tried to make me look at how successful I am in work and how beautiful I was!!! “He lost you! Forget about him!” … this was the other serious opinion on my behavior I heard from her since the first one. And you know what it has been always in my father’s life time advice that we should always ask for what we deserve and never less!!! IT WORKED! As I put it in my previous post I then progressed with my education and carrier and met my lovely husband whom I am happily married with for 2 years and eight months, to be exact.
You know the first thing any one would have told you could have been to avoid weed or any substance abuses specially in such a situation. YOU ARE 22 AND YOU HAVE BEEN SOBER FROM WEED FOR ABOUT 15 MONTHS ALREADY. How proud of you that makes any one around you and ME!!! You have passed the most difficult step so now let us try to cope up with what is remaining in your mind of your childhood experiences and try to work on them slowly. Most preferably it’s better to consult a professional as I said earlier.
I really hope this is helping you some how.
Pls let me know any progress and don’t ever forget that I, your friend, am always here for you to share whatever is there you want to talk to.
May Allah's peace be with us all. Good Luck!!!
As I told you I was so furious at my self when my friend told me that I was disturbingly quiet and my face always looked sad and depressed. I guess when i came back and tried to socialize with her the next day, it was an attempt of denial by my side. I was over trying to convince her and I think myself too that I was normal. As I was trying to share my experiences with you I was so reserved at first in putting details. It took my friend’s patting me on the shoulder to do it and one or two rewriting. EVEN NOW!. I and my friend were at my office yesterday when we accidentally came across this wonderful site as we were looking up for some medical information about my friend’s daughter. We were happy with the site’s scope and both registered. By the way, I tried to post my msg repeatedly with my username Peaceee which kept on failing so I sent it by my friend’s user name Islampeace. So from now on I am going to post with my own username. To come back to the issue, so you see that is why u need to take it step by step and slowly. I guess yours also involve the need for internal healing for the damage done during your childhood.
You are not responsible for your step father’s behavior or for the family’s instability or the fights between your parents. First you believe this your self and then talk about it to a friend you began to trust and who understands you some how. Or go to a professional and talk it out and get help for the underlying childhood issues.
As you said I think it definitely was at that spot that I started to crack my shell. I can’t thank my friend enough for not being much criticizing for me after the first one and always being there for me. I was progressing very slowly and some times I found myself back at the first spot but kept on trying really hard. I witnessed some real progresses in communicating, socializing, etc except for fear of having a boy friend. I did not have a boy friend until I was 24 when I met my first one who left me after 3 & ½ months just after he knew what happened. I guess this was the other stepping stone that helped me start talking about every thing to my friend. She said she knew all these times that there was something bothering me though I have changed a lot from the first time we met. She said “so what? Let him go!” She also told me that she thought I was very strong for a lady who experienced this in her life. She also thought that I put such a high standard on my self and try to be perfect. She said what happened was not my fault and I should stop punishing myself for it. I really needed to believe that no part of it was my fault. She tried to make me look at how successful I am in work and how beautiful I was!!! “He lost you! Forget about him!” … this was the other serious opinion on my behavior I heard from her since the first one. And you know what it has been always in my father’s life time advice that we should always ask for what we deserve and never less!!! IT WORKED! As I put it in my previous post I then progressed with my education and carrier and met my lovely husband whom I am happily married with for 2 years and eight months, to be exact.
You know the first thing any one would have told you could have been to avoid weed or any substance abuses specially in such a situation. YOU ARE 22 AND YOU HAVE BEEN SOBER FROM WEED FOR ABOUT 15 MONTHS ALREADY. How proud of you that makes any one around you and ME!!! You have passed the most difficult step so now let us try to cope up with what is remaining in your mind of your childhood experiences and try to work on them slowly. Most preferably it’s better to consult a professional as I said earlier.
I really hope this is helping you some how.
Pls let me know any progress and don’t ever forget that I, your friend, am always here for you to share whatever is there you want to talk to.
May Allah's peace be with us all. Good Luck!!!
Dear Jsupreme
As I told you I was so furious at my self when my friend told me that I was disturbingly quiet and my face always looked sad and depressed. I guess when i came back and tried to socialize with her the next day, it was an attempt of denial by my side. I was over trying to convince her and I think myself too that I was normal. As I was trying to share my experiences with you I was so reserved at first in putting details. It took my friend’s patting me on the shoulder to do it and one or two rewriting. EVEN NOW!. I and my friend were at my office yesterday when we accidentally came across this wonderful site as we were looking up for some medical information about my friend’s daughter. We were happy with the site’s scope and both registered. By the way, I tried to post my msg repeatedly with my username Peaceee which kept on failing so I sent it by my friend’s user name Islampeace. So from now on I am going to post with my own username. To come back to the issue, so you see that is why u need to take it step by step and slowly. I guess yours also involve the need for internal healing for the damage done during your childhood.
You are not responsible for your step father’s behavior or for the family’s instability or the fights between your parents. First you believe this your self and then talk about it to a friend you began to trust and who understands you some how. Or go to a professional and talk it out and get help for the underlying childhood issues.
As you said I think it definitely was at that spot that I started to crack my shell. I can’t thank my friend enough for not being much criticizing for me after the first one and always being there for me. I was progressing very slowly and some times I found myself back at the first spot but kept on trying really hard. I witnessed some real progresses in communicating, socializing, etc except for fear of having a boy friend. I did not have a boy friend until I was 24 when I met my first one who left me after 3 & ½ months just after he knew what happened. I guess this was the other stepping stone that helped me start talking about every thing to my friend. She said she knew all these times that there was something bothering me though I have changed a lot from the first time we met. She said “so what? Let him go!” She also told me that she thought I was very strong for a lady who experienced this in her life. She also thought that I put such a high standard on my self and try to be perfect. She said what happened was not my fault and I should stop punishing myself for it. I really needed to believe that no part of it was my fault. She tried to make me look at how successful I am in work and how beautiful I was!!! “He lost you! Forget about him!” … this was the other serious opinion on my behavior I heard from her since the first one. And you know what it has been always in my father’s life time advice that we should always ask for what we deserve and never less!!! IT WORKED! As I put it in my previous post I then progressed with my education and carrier and met my lovely husband whom I am happily married with for 2 years and eight months, to be exact.
You know the first thing any one would have told you could have been to avoid weed or any substance abuses specially in such a situation. YOU ARE 22 AND YOU HAVE BEEN SOBER FROM WEED FOR ABOUT 15 MONTHS ALREADY. How proud of you that makes any one around you and ME!!! You have passed the most difficult step so now let us try to cope up with what is remaining in your mind of your childhood experiences and try to work on them slowly. Most preferably it’s better to consult a professional as I said earlier.
I really hope this is helping you some how.
Pls let me know any progress and don’t ever forget that I, your friend, am always here for you to share whatever is there you want to talk to.
May Allah's peace be with us all. Good Luck!!!
(dont know what is wrong I think 'Peaceee' failed again and am sending via my friend's user name 'Islam peace' for now. If any double posts, i apologize before hand)
As I told you I was so furious at my self when my friend told me that I was disturbingly quiet and my face always looked sad and depressed. I guess when i came back and tried to socialize with her the next day, it was an attempt of denial by my side. I was over trying to convince her and I think myself too that I was normal. As I was trying to share my experiences with you I was so reserved at first in putting details. It took my friend’s patting me on the shoulder to do it and one or two rewriting. EVEN NOW!. I and my friend were at my office yesterday when we accidentally came across this wonderful site as we were looking up for some medical information about my friend’s daughter. We were happy with the site’s scope and both registered. By the way, I tried to post my msg repeatedly with my username Peaceee which kept on failing so I sent it by my friend’s user name Islampeace. So from now on I am going to post with my own username. To come back to the issue, so you see that is why u need to take it step by step and slowly. I guess yours also involve the need for internal healing for the damage done during your childhood.
You are not responsible for your step father’s behavior or for the family’s instability or the fights between your parents. First you believe this your self and then talk about it to a friend you began to trust and who understands you some how. Or go to a professional and talk it out and get help for the underlying childhood issues.
As you said I think it definitely was at that spot that I started to crack my shell. I can’t thank my friend enough for not being much criticizing for me after the first one and always being there for me. I was progressing very slowly and some times I found myself back at the first spot but kept on trying really hard. I witnessed some real progresses in communicating, socializing, etc except for fear of having a boy friend. I did not have a boy friend until I was 24 when I met my first one who left me after 3 & ½ months just after he knew what happened. I guess this was the other stepping stone that helped me start talking about every thing to my friend. She said she knew all these times that there was something bothering me though I have changed a lot from the first time we met. She said “so what? Let him go!” She also told me that she thought I was very strong for a lady who experienced this in her life. She also thought that I put such a high standard on my self and try to be perfect. She said what happened was not my fault and I should stop punishing myself for it. I really needed to believe that no part of it was my fault. She tried to make me look at how successful I am in work and how beautiful I was!!! “He lost you! Forget about him!” … this was the other serious opinion on my behavior I heard from her since the first one. And you know what it has been always in my father’s life time advice that we should always ask for what we deserve and never less!!! IT WORKED! As I put it in my previous post I then progressed with my education and carrier and met my lovely husband whom I am happily married with for 2 years and eight months, to be exact.
You know the first thing any one would have told you could have been to avoid weed or any substance abuses specially in such a situation. YOU ARE 22 AND YOU HAVE BEEN SOBER FROM WEED FOR ABOUT 15 MONTHS ALREADY. How proud of you that makes any one around you and ME!!! You have passed the most difficult step so now let us try to cope up with what is remaining in your mind of your childhood experiences and try to work on them slowly. Most preferably it’s better to consult a professional as I said earlier.
I really hope this is helping you some how.
Pls let me know any progress and don’t ever forget that I, your friend, am always here for you to share whatever is there you want to talk to.
May Allah's peace be with us all. Good Luck!!!
(dont know what is wrong I think 'Peaceee' failed again and am sending via my friend's user name 'Islam peace' for now. If any double posts, i apologize before hand)