Sorry this is a little long
Hi. Im 29 years old and I’ve been fighting OCD intrusive thinking for almost 15 years. It began when I was watching the news one time and someone had committed suicide and the thought “what if I were to do that” entered my mind and boom, that’s all I could think about. I was constantly afraid I was going to kill myself. Luckily I got help. Found a good counselor and a good psychiatrist. Was put on meds and eventually it all went away.
Since then I’ve had episodes of the same fear and also fear of harming others every now and then. I try to avoid the news as much as possible due to triggers.
Now something new has come up. Real event OCD. This is something I’ve never dealt with. I was living with my brother-in-law while our house was being built. We were there for 6 months. Sex was out of the question. We had to share a room with my 1 yr old and it’s a small house. So anytime I could get my alone time, I would masterbate with my wife’s underwear. It’s a fetish I have. I’m ashamed of it but it is what it is. Well I eventually got a little bored with it and I started using my brother-in-laws wife’s underwear.
Now I never went in her room and stole it. I would take it after doing laundry. Also, I’ve never broken into anyone’s house or a laundry mat. It doesn’t go that deep. This just was more of an experimentation.
I was fine at first. We moved out and I just recently went over to their house 2 months ago and caught myself with the urge to look for underwear. My anxiety went through the roof. I didn’t want to. Then feelings of shame and guilt entered and I had a panic attack. I tried fighting it off for a couple weeks but it wouldn’t budge. Then I tried to think of my past episodes to try and get me to see that I’ve gotten through the intrusive thinking before so i can do it again this time.
It didn’t help. So the thought how am I going to live the rest of my life knowing what I did and boom the suicide fear entered my mind and now it has attached to that event And so for almost 2 months I’ve been afraid I’m going to kill myself becuase of what I did. I know I’m not going to but it’s scary
I’m seeing a psychiatrist and counselor who specializes in OCD and I have told my wife everything. And to my surprise, she was ok with it. She thought it was weird that I was worrying about what I did. I had some relief when we talked about it and I thought it would go away but it hasn’t fully gone away.
Im on medicine again. I just started Zoloft and I’ve been taking paliperidone for about a month now. Paliperidone worked in the past along with Pristiq but I stopped it a couple years ago. Big mistake.
But nothing seems to be helping. I’m still having a hard time not feeding the thought. My mind makes up these story lines for if I were to die. I really hate this. I don’t want to die. I have a great job, awesome family, new house and I’m going to have my second baby in a week. I just got rebaptized at my church. I have everything going right for me except this OCD intrusive thought of suicide because of what I did.
Any advice is much appreciated.