Is my boyfriend thinking of guys during sex?

Dear Kelly

This is so sad, but you have to be very careful and wary. He needs counselling, but you must both talk about it. The subject cannot be off-limits. That will only create its own tensions. You didn't mention what your abuse was, but it may have been quite different from his. Let me make some straight comments and raise some (hard) questions for you.

1. "I recently overheard my boyfriend talking to himself when he was using his computer." Was he talking to himself, or was it communicating with a real guy over the internet? I suspect the latter. "I'm assuming he was looking at men online" Don't assume. Ask him directly. It is important for both of you.
2. "I ... heard him saying that he wanted to suck penis & that he wanted a penis in his bottom"
   • He probably didn't use those terms! Exactly what he said is important. He has expressed a desire out loud. Either he has that desire, or he doesn't. You need to find out the true situation
   • Suppose for a moment he was looking at girls online, not men. Now hear him saying out loud that he wanted to suck clitoris & that he wanted his penis in her vagina. What would your reaction be?
3. "I confronted him. At first he denied it" So he wasn't being honest with you! "then i told him i recorded it" It wasn't until then that he admitted it.
4. "He said he was messed up & he can't explain it." He is certainly messed up, and will continue to be until he is properly sorted out. He can't explain it because he is messed up.
5. "he finally told me he was raped by his father as a child for years" This must be addressed. What has happened about this? He must get proper counselling, and it may have to involve the authorities. How old are you both? He has been raped. He has been raped by a parent. He has been homosexually raped by his own father. He has been repeatedly homosexually raped by his own father.
6. "he doesn't understand why he does it"
   1. Does what? Has he told you what he does?
   2. Understanding why he does it -
      • He may not want to say - embarrassment
      • He may not want to say - guilt
      • He may be blocking out the reason
      • He is certainly doing it because of the rape incidents
      • He may not want to face the reason
7. "He said he's never been with a man properly" - apart from his father. But you need to be sure - he has already been in denial.
8. "his brain just makes him go there".
   1. Makes him go where?
   2. Either his brain
      • is making him, because it has been badly affected (it most probably has), or
      • is being used as an excuse for his behaiour (I can't help it; it's not my fault)or both
9. "I know what its like to be abused as a child & I told him my secret too" That was kind of you, but you should have told him earlier. You haven't said what the abuse was, but I guess it wasn't parental rape (otherwise you would have said so).
10. "I've never told anybody". But you probably need to. This has brought your experience into focus. That experience can't now be ignored. You may have coped with it well, but how is it affecting you now?
11. "it was really hard for me to do but I wanted him to know that I can understand a little of how he feels" I hope he appreciates that. But realise it is a little as your abuse was different.
12. "My feelings for him haven't changed, I'm very much in love with him as I have always been" I think your feelings must have changed in some way (even if you still love him), but it has certainly added a new dimension to your relationship.
13. "it's a hard subject for us both" I expect it is, but it must be faced and dealt with.
14. "The only thing that's bothering me, is does he still do it?" Have you any reason to believe he has stopped. He has said "he doesn't understand why he does it", so I would be surprised if he has stopped. You must ask him, and watch his eyes as you ask and he answers. Then forbid any 'internet cache' clearing by him, and tell him you want to see the site addresses of his internet activity. If he objects, he has something to hide.
15. "Look for guys online?" Ask him what he finds attractive about guys? What excites him about guys? Does he look for guys' nakedness in particular? What sort of guys?
16. "I didn't actually ask about what he was doing when I heard him" Then you must! Remember that he hasn't told you. He is still withholding that from you. You need him do give explicit details if ever the relationship is to have a chance of survival.
17. "The stuff with his dad was more than enough to talk about"
    1. At the time, maybe. But no longer
    2. Do you know all about the "stuff with his dad "? Has he told you exactly what they both did (apart fro the generic term "rape")?
18. "I did ask him the next day if he has ever cheated on me" So this is another thing that is bothering you! Understandably too. What exactly did you mean by "cheating"? You must be specific in your questions.
19. "I thought maybe he needed more than I can give him" He obviously does.
20. "He was very upset & to be honest I don't blame him. I would be too, but I had to ask." Of course you had to ask, and I do not blame you, but I do blame him for getting upset. You may have touched a nerve. What was his answer precisely?
21. "I do trust him". Do you? Trust him in what way? Or are you avoiding the issue in case the alternative is too awful to consider?
22. "I wonder if he's thinking of me during sex or thinking of guys" That is important. You need to find out. You must at least ask to start with!
23. "It bothers me a little but I feel I can get past it" It bothers you a lot, and you would like to think you could get past it. But If he is thinking about guys when with you, I don't think you can just "get past it". What would you think if he was thinking about another girl when he was with you? This is an issue that must be dealt with, not circumvented!
24. "I love him so much" I hope he starts to realise that. But love has to be tough. You cannot love him and overlook what is still a big issue.
25. "it's hard for me to understand." So it is a major unresolved issue. Don't underestimate it. He is not helping you to understand. Until he explains himself properly and also stops, and turns away from, his activity and desires there is no basis for forgiveness. He needs professional help.
26. "in the past he has wanted me to take part in anal sex" So that is a big indication of your concern whether he is in fact "thinking of me during sex or thinking of guys"!!
27. "some men like anal sex with women" and it is also true that "some women like anal sex with men", but that is strictly between the two of them for mutual satisfaction.
28. "I'm wondering if he wanted to do that so he could think of men" I think you are right.
29. "This has totally made up my mind not to" That is wise; it is the right decision.
30. "We both said we don't want to keep bringing it up" But it won't go away! The issue must be resolved. There must be a complete openness about it.
31. "I don't feel talking will do us much good" Not talking about it will certainly not do you any good! If you avoid talking about it, it will be a cancer eating away at you.
32. "It's such a hard subject". It certainly is, but you must not avoid it.

You must recognise the possibility that this must break your relationship if it cannot be resolved. You must talk about all the issues, and get outside professional help. If he will not co-operate with your concerns, you must walk away, or you will both get badly hurt. Love must be reciprocal.

I really hope this helps you put things into perspective and begin a plan of action.

Take great care

 

Thank you for your comments, I certainly have a lot to think about. I don't think this will be something we never talk about. He had told me a lot of what happened but it's still a raw topic. It'll take time for us both to open up. I have to be careful how I approach this. He also has a personality disorder & can become easily depressed. He was suicidal a few months before we got together. I can't just storm in there and bombard him with questions and demands. Also he has been to see therapists but he says they don't listen or understand. My abuse was similar as it was also a close family member. I do have hope for us but it's going to take alot of time, effort & pressure on our relationship. Thanks for your help & support xx

Dear Kelly

I know you'll have to be careful how you approach this, and you cannot just storm in and bombard him with questions and demands. However, you need to be firm but kind. You mustn't allow his personality disorder and depressive tendencies to cloak the realities. His condition will lend itself to that. There must be no emotional blackmail against you. You must take loving control of the situation. You seem very caring, and he must be made to realise your needs, and how his 'cyber-unfaithfulness' affects you. You can take it one stage at a time, but ensure you get a direct answer to each separate question, even if it takes time.

He says that the therapists don't listen or understand. I don't know what therapists he has seen, but they are trained to listen. Are the therapists specialists in dealing with male rape? You could offer to go with him to a session. What have the Child Protection Authorities said or done about it?

My comment on your abuse was in no way to downplay the seriousness and awfulness of it, nor to probe, but to indicate from his perspective as a male, there would be a significant difference.

I am glad I could help, and I wish you well.

Ok. This is the reality of this situation. Whomever we lose our virginity to, whether a man or a woman, is who we will continue to be attracted towards for the rest of our lives. It formed an unbreakable bond, between him and, unfortunately, his disgusting father. He first felt love from a man. He can not help being drawn that way now. But he may very well be straight. Regardless, he will always struggle with this, as his body will always seek this love from a man in one way or another. After we have sex with a person it forms a soul tie. I would recommend looking up that term and how it connects with the loss of virginity. Blessings and stay well, both of you.