Hi there. drew101 it does sound like anxiety, anxiety can make you feel il, but illness can also cause anxiety, so you should get checked out.
I thought I was getting better, I even cancelled an appointment with my doctor about 2 weeks ago as I thought that this pain in my arm was due to my anxious nature. Today it is worse than ever. Then my toenails started to fall out and I have a very painful sore toe. I am thinking is this anxiety - or is there something more serious going on?
I cant work out if it is psychosomatic or if it is real pain, but then as I feel the pain I get more anxious and then think that its really serious, and then panic that I am waisting a health professionals time, then panic more about my health and my childrens lively hood and that I might end up getting banned from my gps surgery ( as I have been up there so much ) Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
I am worried about this pain though and even though Ive stopped abusing my body in the various ways I did, I still get the dreaded rushes to the toilet . I also thought I was better as I have gone right back up to my normal weight. Am I just anxious, or is there somthething more serious?
I thought I was getting better, I even cancelled an appointment with my doctor about 2 weeks ago as I thought that this pain in my arm was due to my anxious nature. Today it is worse than ever. Then my toenails started to fall out and I have a very painful sore toe. I am thinking is this anxiety - or is there something more serious going on?
I cant work out if it is psychosomatic or if it is real pain, but then as I feel the pain I get more anxious and then think that its really serious, and then panic that I am waisting a health professionals time, then panic more about my health and my childrens lively hood and that I might end up getting banned from my gps surgery ( as I have been up there so much ) Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
I am worried about this pain though and even though Ive stopped abusing my body in the various ways I did, I still get the dreaded rushes to the toilet . I also thought I was better as I have gone right back up to my normal weight. Am I just anxious, or is there somthething more serious?
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Okay, I still couldnt see the world the way I used to be able to. For instance;I, after having my children, felt well balanced. Cared for their needs completely-then my own. I stll do care for my childrens needs, but they need more than care they need fun, love and laughter, and a balance between right and wrong.
Ive been feeling "not myself lately' and started to do really stupid things. Much was inhanced by my partners winding coments that i take harshly, and couldnt manage them with my usual wisdom. His coments started to really hurt-drag me down. iwas getting moodie and moodier- Id shout , shout about the lack of support, and not be able to see what ever little good he ever did. This would put the thunder in him, and hed come out with bkinding hurtful coments or lash out at me. Ijust crumpled, cried and gave up. i still see myself as sometimes worthless, useless and a complete failure to what I wanted to do with my life. All I could see , in the mirror, was a fat old, freaky , stupid woman. Yet , I love my children now and still did then.
The thing that gets me, the thing that us, is the thing that I am not quite sure what it is, I think the word is confidence. I know who and what IId like to be, but do not know who I am or what to do with the future. All this sounds mad ( I know).
Anyway, after some rethinking, after being pulled up at work for"apparently drinking on the job ( which I WOULDnot do), BUT YET GETTIN A 92% FOR MY MYSTERY SHOPPER (proving I am not the ill qualified that I was thought to be).....Ive decided to retry meds that I have left over from my GP.
This time, as I should have done before ( doh!) I take it in the morning. So far people have comented on how happy I look. I feel happy. I dont even feel the need or drive for a drink...I am still very sensitive, but well thats part of my make up...I am going through a very on edge thing at the moment, but otherwise, happy and releived to say"I can do this". i think I have the capabilities to achieve something more with my life , than walking about like a smelly person- I think I am ready to do this now.
My boss has been really understanding..I do not want to be judged or even to state the pigeonholing that I am an alcoholic, but if I get/got any worse i would be one, so id rather take this pill. Okay, I know I took it for along time prior, and abused it, but this time I am going to have faith and courage and brave out my feelings.
I am typing this out, and thinking how amazing it is to feel like me again. I just hope that one more month on this stuff will do it for me, and that will be that. I should really infrom my doctor, but I am scared about what he might think or if he will refuse to help ( I just dont know how to approach it) I find it embarassing now that I can see the little light, ( if you know what I mean?) It is embarassing, for me.
On the up side, my abusing myself shall stop, on the downside- well lets not talk about that one.
Thats me then, feeling good, and hoping this feeling remains. I just feel like me again, for the first time in just about ( well I dont know when I started to fall and not be able to climb back up...I am usuaully a bit of a climber or clamberer depending on how you wish to describe it- but this time I just couldnt. But now, I feel I have the energy.
take care everyone. :-D :-D
Ive been feeling "not myself lately' and started to do really stupid things. Much was inhanced by my partners winding coments that i take harshly, and couldnt manage them with my usual wisdom. His coments started to really hurt-drag me down. iwas getting moodie and moodier- Id shout , shout about the lack of support, and not be able to see what ever little good he ever did. This would put the thunder in him, and hed come out with bkinding hurtful coments or lash out at me. Ijust crumpled, cried and gave up. i still see myself as sometimes worthless, useless and a complete failure to what I wanted to do with my life. All I could see , in the mirror, was a fat old, freaky , stupid woman. Yet , I love my children now and still did then.
The thing that gets me, the thing that us, is the thing that I am not quite sure what it is, I think the word is confidence. I know who and what IId like to be, but do not know who I am or what to do with the future. All this sounds mad ( I know).
Anyway, after some rethinking, after being pulled up at work for"apparently drinking on the job ( which I WOULDnot do), BUT YET GETTIN A 92% FOR MY MYSTERY SHOPPER (proving I am not the ill qualified that I was thought to be).....Ive decided to retry meds that I have left over from my GP.
This time, as I should have done before ( doh!) I take it in the morning. So far people have comented on how happy I look. I feel happy. I dont even feel the need or drive for a drink...I am still very sensitive, but well thats part of my make up...I am going through a very on edge thing at the moment, but otherwise, happy and releived to say"I can do this". i think I have the capabilities to achieve something more with my life , than walking about like a smelly person- I think I am ready to do this now.
My boss has been really understanding..I do not want to be judged or even to state the pigeonholing that I am an alcoholic, but if I get/got any worse i would be one, so id rather take this pill. Okay, I know I took it for along time prior, and abused it, but this time I am going to have faith and courage and brave out my feelings.
I am typing this out, and thinking how amazing it is to feel like me again. I just hope that one more month on this stuff will do it for me, and that will be that. I should really infrom my doctor, but I am scared about what he might think or if he will refuse to help ( I just dont know how to approach it) I find it embarassing now that I can see the little light, ( if you know what I mean?) It is embarassing, for me.
On the up side, my abusing myself shall stop, on the downside- well lets not talk about that one.
Thats me then, feeling good, and hoping this feeling remains. I just feel like me again, for the first time in just about ( well I dont know when I started to fall and not be able to climb back up...I am usuaully a bit of a climber or clamberer depending on how you wish to describe it- but this time I just couldnt. But now, I feel I have the energy.
take care everyone. :-D :-D
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Its me again- I talk to myself a lot- dont I?
Right, still managing to stay calm and been joking with children, even managed to put the christmas tree up yesterday- and copping with the childrens excitement.
Feeling nauseated though and a bit woozey. Had really awful nightmares, In fact took me ages to distinguish between reality and if it was a nightmare. I went to sleep listening to my neighbours argue. The woman was getting on to the bloke about how much he drank ( apparently waisted on tuseday and Friday) Anyway, went to sleep with their voices floating in my head and then ....and I thought this was reallly happening. ......and then the neighbours had opened my bedroom window and cllimbed in my bed ......(huh) so I started to scream for my partner....woke myself up doing this ....( thank god he didnt hear, could have thought it was me wanting something else and that would be mad) Though i think that thats oddly funny....but phew he knows nothing!!
Anyway, does anyone know what I shoud do about me? I mean its not normal to feel the need to drink a bottle of wine night after night ( Ive done that for years) .......This is the first time I just feel like I was when I lived with my mum. I am a bit wooried that I want get the support from my docotr- ( I guess I could pruchase them on the net) Oh dont know, and then I worry what if I have somesort of weird turn an the meds dont know what I am upto and then I panic....but in these happier moods I can deall with the fast heart beats and say take a deep breath.
Or , do I not tell anyone what I am upto , and face my fears later , after the christmas hols?? I have no choice now as I have to stop drinking. A) either I am going to die and start throwing blood up if I dont stiop. B) Loose my job and disapoint my family-loose my family and disappoint myself and then feel completely suicidal!!! So this is my last chance,,,,OOh god does anyone know what I am waffling on about?
This is another good point to make about this med. And that is despite my partner upsetting me, and I know I want be living with him forever....this pill puts a lid on my anger...I dont shout irrationally at him...I just do the doing that needs done and sigh at him......Ive also found it makes me a bit more sharp witted ,so that I cant turn things that he says to me on their head and not let it dril away at me.
Okay, that was a well, another waffle about me...........does anyone know what I shoud do?
Right, still managing to stay calm and been joking with children, even managed to put the christmas tree up yesterday- and copping with the childrens excitement.
Feeling nauseated though and a bit woozey. Had really awful nightmares, In fact took me ages to distinguish between reality and if it was a nightmare. I went to sleep listening to my neighbours argue. The woman was getting on to the bloke about how much he drank ( apparently waisted on tuseday and Friday) Anyway, went to sleep with their voices floating in my head and then ....and I thought this was reallly happening. ......and then the neighbours had opened my bedroom window and cllimbed in my bed ......(huh) so I started to scream for my partner....woke myself up doing this ....( thank god he didnt hear, could have thought it was me wanting something else and that would be mad) Though i think that thats oddly funny....but phew he knows nothing!!
Anyway, does anyone know what I shoud do about me? I mean its not normal to feel the need to drink a bottle of wine night after night ( Ive done that for years) .......This is the first time I just feel like I was when I lived with my mum. I am a bit wooried that I want get the support from my docotr- ( I guess I could pruchase them on the net) Oh dont know, and then I worry what if I have somesort of weird turn an the meds dont know what I am upto and then I panic....but in these happier moods I can deall with the fast heart beats and say take a deep breath.
Or , do I not tell anyone what I am upto , and face my fears later , after the christmas hols?? I have no choice now as I have to stop drinking. A) either I am going to die and start throwing blood up if I dont stiop. B) Loose my job and disapoint my family-loose my family and disappoint myself and then feel completely suicidal!!! So this is my last chance,,,,OOh god does anyone know what I am waffling on about?
This is another good point to make about this med. And that is despite my partner upsetting me, and I know I want be living with him forever....this pill puts a lid on my anger...I dont shout irrationally at him...I just do the doing that needs done and sigh at him......Ive also found it makes me a bit more sharp witted ,so that I cant turn things that he says to me on their head and not let it dril away at me.
Okay, that was a well, another waffle about me...........does anyone know what I shoud do?
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Lots of opinions to consider but I would like to say the zoloft was for the depression yes?m\a lady i know was on zoloft for depression and it worked well but she had to take it at like 6am or she couldnt sleep,she also went for counselling
now as for acute panic or anxiety disorder CBT is great but in some people it wont actually work
you mentioned when your busy or having fun your ok,thats your focus
1st signs of the anxiety you need to slow your breathing,some use a watch with a second hand on it, breathe in for 3 and out for 3 then build that to 4 in 4 out and 5 in 5 out, now
as for the self talk, whats going on in the mind? you mentioned alot of fear around severe illness or even death so if in your mind is stuff like, omg this is heart attack,or a stroke or brain problems,watever it is your telling yourself revers it
as you breathe slow and get to breathin 5 in and 5 out you say, I am fine,his is a panic attack, i am fine, ive had my tests and i know what this is and it wont hurt me
the meditation/relaxation needs to become a daily routine, 1/2 hr laying down on couch quite, doing breathing and telling yourself im feeling fine cause i am fine
anyway hope this has helped,i have help family and a few clients with this method
good luck ....1 day at a time
oh and remove all caffeine, including chocolate makes the disorder worse
tc
now as for acute panic or anxiety disorder CBT is great but in some people it wont actually work
you mentioned when your busy or having fun your ok,thats your focus
1st signs of the anxiety you need to slow your breathing,some use a watch with a second hand on it, breathe in for 3 and out for 3 then build that to 4 in 4 out and 5 in 5 out, now
as for the self talk, whats going on in the mind? you mentioned alot of fear around severe illness or even death so if in your mind is stuff like, omg this is heart attack,or a stroke or brain problems,watever it is your telling yourself revers it
as you breathe slow and get to breathin 5 in and 5 out you say, I am fine,his is a panic attack, i am fine, ive had my tests and i know what this is and it wont hurt me
the meditation/relaxation needs to become a daily routine, 1/2 hr laying down on couch quite, doing breathing and telling yourself im feeling fine cause i am fine
anyway hope this has helped,i have help family and a few clients with this method
good luck ....1 day at a time
oh and remove all caffeine, including chocolate makes the disorder worse
tc
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ok you have added a bit more info in the last post
i really think finding a good counsellor is in need,sou have so much fears going on and the man you love and want the rest of your life with isnt aware of what exactly? what prevents you from letting him in?
as for wanting a bottle every night do you have the bottle or just want it? when stressed and in fear wine or other alcohol represent a bit of relief but it can turn into a new problem and another fear for the drinker
best advice I can give is keeps regular visits to doctor and go talk with a counsellour, is there a womens centre you could go to?
also it can be a problem for you overall health taking any type of medication and drinking, try having one wine and then a big glass of water if you do need to drink but I am pretty sure that wine should be avoided for a while if you can manage to
hang in there ok?
i really think finding a good counsellor is in need,sou have so much fears going on and the man you love and want the rest of your life with isnt aware of what exactly? what prevents you from letting him in?
as for wanting a bottle every night do you have the bottle or just want it? when stressed and in fear wine or other alcohol represent a bit of relief but it can turn into a new problem and another fear for the drinker
best advice I can give is keeps regular visits to doctor and go talk with a counsellour, is there a womens centre you could go to?
also it can be a problem for you overall health taking any type of medication and drinking, try having one wine and then a big glass of water if you do need to drink but I am pretty sure that wine should be avoided for a while if you can manage to
hang in there ok?
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I just realised the anxiety question was from u drew and the other posts from somone else
anyway to you both take care
and if typing in this forum helps keep it up.always somone here to listen
anyway to you both take care
and if typing in this forum helps keep it up.always somone here to listen
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Right, I am determined to try this thing alled relaxation- though its hard whne there is no where to sit.
I managed 2 weeks without alcohol, but everyday felt tried and felt as if I wrer a "miss-fit" and that I just didnt belong anywhere. failing at home life as well. So despite having been pulled up at work as i smelt of alcohol ( had had little food) I was told to stop it, or I would risk loosing my job. I was doing okay saying off the booze- thought I could just hide under my duvet- but the basic facts in my life is that as a mum I have to function- so find more relief from a bottle of wine than from lying in bed. I n fact lying in bed is about the most dangerous place I could go. So last week I feel back on the drink - oulled up for it 2xs at work- ( I think they think I am drinking on the job) as they dont know what its like to collect toxins in on a daily basis. So as I had done okay in my patter to fight my retarded behvaiour and reach not reach for the bottle. recently it has got excessive.
I cabt handle other people controlling me. But Ive decidied that this is MY control- but without booze to look forward too, it all seems such a struggle. ( But then I think of my children and how I should realy be behaving, and it reallly hurts that Ive been such a stupid fool.
Anyway, good luck to Drew and thank you Aussiebetska- I shall try and find a way
I managed 2 weeks without alcohol, but everyday felt tried and felt as if I wrer a "miss-fit" and that I just didnt belong anywhere. failing at home life as well. So despite having been pulled up at work as i smelt of alcohol ( had had little food) I was told to stop it, or I would risk loosing my job. I was doing okay saying off the booze- thought I could just hide under my duvet- but the basic facts in my life is that as a mum I have to function- so find more relief from a bottle of wine than from lying in bed. I n fact lying in bed is about the most dangerous place I could go. So last week I feel back on the drink - oulled up for it 2xs at work- ( I think they think I am drinking on the job) as they dont know what its like to collect toxins in on a daily basis. So as I had done okay in my patter to fight my retarded behvaiour and reach not reach for the bottle. recently it has got excessive.
I cabt handle other people controlling me. But Ive decidied that this is MY control- but without booze to look forward too, it all seems such a struggle. ( But then I think of my children and how I should realy be behaving, and it reallly hurts that Ive been such a stupid fool.
Anyway, good luck to Drew and thank you Aussiebetska- I shall try and find a way
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:-D :-D Ive been smiling all day- and keeping the laughs in my head instead of sharing them with strangers who thought me ( or maybe thought I was abit loopey) More like myself altogether.
Even my mum comented on how I seem better for it, and that I should keep going and not be too worried about what anyone else thinks.
aussiebetska mentioned something about chocolate- I must admit I was eating chocolate like there was no tomorrow ( mind you, I didnt really feel like I wanted a tomorrow). noticing that I dont crave chocolate either, and I see myself a bit better. not like a blob with a huge pear bottom and tum- thought thats still there. yup, still there. ( Laughing, thinking I should pass some of these things to my sister for christmas!!!! Thats a joke by the way!)
Anyway, after a couple of stress classes that I kept nodding off during and then running home ( pretty useless) I decided to retry this...whats it called some sort of drug...and its working this time. maybe its the whole sandwhich that was/is neede not just the middle bit, and it needs to be made with wholemeal bread instead of white bread.....and I need to be able to eat the crusts. Oh.....this is me sobber ( what am I blobbing on about)......but had a bit of a shaky turn today.....managed to eat dinner with family ( even with him at the table) Thats a huge step around compard to how i was behaving before. Thsnk god for this magic pill. Why was I so daft before? I must have been flushing them out with the laxatives, but I had been using them for years- dont really know why. I never want to go back on them . They were horrible and made my panic ten times worse, but now when I eat I still feel guilty ( almost like i dont deserve food) and then there is the realisation that I need to eat...so I do ...well have done since retaking this pill. Before it seemed to curb my appetite, this time I am okay , despite the tummy rumbles and a little bit nausea. Think Ican do this. THANK YOU!!!! BEST OF LUCK TO ANYONE ELSE WHO HAS/ IS STUCK IN A KNOT........
I also found speaking to friends who knew me before all this ridiculous nonsense .....it helped me to remind me who I was and who I could be again. I dont know if that makes anysense, but I hope it gives others hope.
Even my mum comented on how I seem better for it, and that I should keep going and not be too worried about what anyone else thinks.
aussiebetska mentioned something about chocolate- I must admit I was eating chocolate like there was no tomorrow ( mind you, I didnt really feel like I wanted a tomorrow). noticing that I dont crave chocolate either, and I see myself a bit better. not like a blob with a huge pear bottom and tum- thought thats still there. yup, still there. ( Laughing, thinking I should pass some of these things to my sister for christmas!!!! Thats a joke by the way!)
Anyway, after a couple of stress classes that I kept nodding off during and then running home ( pretty useless) I decided to retry this...whats it called some sort of drug...and its working this time. maybe its the whole sandwhich that was/is neede not just the middle bit, and it needs to be made with wholemeal bread instead of white bread.....and I need to be able to eat the crusts. Oh.....this is me sobber ( what am I blobbing on about)......but had a bit of a shaky turn today.....managed to eat dinner with family ( even with him at the table) Thats a huge step around compard to how i was behaving before. Thsnk god for this magic pill. Why was I so daft before? I must have been flushing them out with the laxatives, but I had been using them for years- dont really know why. I never want to go back on them . They were horrible and made my panic ten times worse, but now when I eat I still feel guilty ( almost like i dont deserve food) and then there is the realisation that I need to eat...so I do ...well have done since retaking this pill. Before it seemed to curb my appetite, this time I am okay , despite the tummy rumbles and a little bit nausea. Think Ican do this. THANK YOU!!!! BEST OF LUCK TO ANYONE ELSE WHO HAS/ IS STUCK IN A KNOT........
I also found speaking to friends who knew me before all this ridiculous nonsense .....it helped me to remind me who I was and who I could be again. I dont know if that makes anysense, but I hope it gives others hope.
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Hello, is there anyone around today. i am feeling really knotted up today, but not shouting or crying ( which are both good).
I just wanted to run this past anyone- someone. ( See I dont know if this is my malice or if this is him- my partner). Its Sunday, hes working, the kids are hyper about christmas. I feel okay, feeling like I can manage but getting nervous about the weeks work ahead ( having doubts about my capabilities, and getting worried about going to my mums house at christmas and worried about my mum) , She now , has really bad arthritis, she has a freckle that has gone really dark brown and grown to the size of a gooseberry and it looks indented) Plus she doesnt sem to be able to move. Sorry I know that I have probs with her and issues- but I still think shes a great person and I worry).
Sister has not rang me in ages ( which is such a relief) I cant cope with her problems , my problems , her attitude, the things she says to me. The fact that she is so much brighter , prettier and talented than me, yet drinks like I dont know what, and weighs about 6 stone. She throws up almost every morning , and doesnt think she has a problem. She was phoning every night , for the whole entire night, Id have the kids going nip nip nip , him going nipnip nip wheres this , wheres that. me wishing I was the one sick as I want to scccccccccccccccrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmm, Dad not realy much contact from him. But when he does get in touch hes always really nice, mainly cause hes happy.
Anyway, right I got a bit side tracked there. God does anyone watch that outnumbered programme ( Oh makes me laugh) Sorry, Becca has goe hyper, worried about her too....if she says but again I am going back to my scratcher.
God loosing the point completely........yes so partner rings my children, he states that there is a family movie on at tea time and that he will be home to watch it ( with the girls then). I am thinking ....thats just great that is. Big guns gets the couch the cuddles to be waited on hand and foot. Yet doesnt speak one word to me ...ever...leaves his smelly boats in the living room and ooooooooooooj....I dont know what I amn doing - do I? At leats I am not shouting or crying about it now. But I think thats due to this drug- what a mess? I know people have got reall problems and i shouldnt be f=eeling it so rough but just cant take anymore. ( all this probably sound like normal family life - I dont know. I dont know what that is. Or maybe this is it- oh help someone.
Eating like a horse - which is good. I am a bit worried as all i want to do is put my head down all the time- t just feels a bit heavy. My head feels like it weighs double my boody weight.
Oh yeah...I forgot to mention that I tried to ring my cpn on Thursday, ( got her secretary) so dont know if she got the message ......still no contact and I know I am impatient ( probably due to my anxiety) and I know that something may well ahave happened ( I mean people go through wwhat happened to me and wore in this city all the time- so sure she has her hands tied) But I just wanted to give her a progress report. Afterall, she did say that she would ringme ( mid November ) thats why I wonder if something has happened. Anyway, theres been no comunication. I just wanted to tel her that Iwas back on the pills, that I have chickened theAA meetings and I am self determined, but I am worried ( well, yes- about everything) but at least I can write it here. Oh loosing what my point was.
Hmmm, think my toes are going to fall off.
Okay, better go calm my children down. My friend also gave me som e magic powerful tea that helps me sleep. ( I hope it has no dangerous ingredients)
I wanted to mention and a bit scared to, that I watched that programme on that Karen mathews case, and I got really scared as she reminded me of me......but I am not negelgent of my children , just have a problem with alcohol due to anxiety but am i anxiuos becauuse i have a learning difficulty or does my anxiety cause me to learn with difficulty? Oh, and then there is this the fact that Iver reported everything about me here, adn about him and them and evet=yrhting and that all makes my anxiety worse as I am scared!
But hey, I am not shouting, I am not crying. I jsut have anxiety and a sore toe.
I wish that woman had rung me- shes probably going to give me an almighty row for doing what I have done- i dont know. Scared of that too, and too scared to see my GP hell probably shout at me too. I dont know what to do!
or do I just be brave.......do I jsst do it the hard way. come off everything completely ....drag mmyself to work and to the school run with the heavy weights around my legs and my mangled head. See I know I cant cope on being me alone, ( if that makes any sense) ive done it before I wound up hysterical and my boss was shocked.....that was my old boss...I dont know what to do. I never used to be like this at all. After I ended up in hospital as a teenager for drinking a bottle of martini and throwing it up in the street, and kept in overnight due to hypothermia , i was always very careful about recreational drugs. Welll thats a bit ambiguous statement. I mean I have pretty much abused alcohol much off my adult life, but abused it snesibly ( okay that =makes no sens) but I mean I know the point before I get the head spins or the reall drunken ness, but I never thought Id have to take a pill to make me happy.
God right , if anyone reads this , thanks forlistening to me...I know it makes a difficult read. if you understand any of it or can give me any advice id be grateful. Okay must dash think the house is burning down ( thats a joke) Kids have gone quiet hmmmmmmm ( Ill go and investigate0
I just wanted to run this past anyone- someone. ( See I dont know if this is my malice or if this is him- my partner). Its Sunday, hes working, the kids are hyper about christmas. I feel okay, feeling like I can manage but getting nervous about the weeks work ahead ( having doubts about my capabilities, and getting worried about going to my mums house at christmas and worried about my mum) , She now , has really bad arthritis, she has a freckle that has gone really dark brown and grown to the size of a gooseberry and it looks indented) Plus she doesnt sem to be able to move. Sorry I know that I have probs with her and issues- but I still think shes a great person and I worry).
Sister has not rang me in ages ( which is such a relief) I cant cope with her problems , my problems , her attitude, the things she says to me. The fact that she is so much brighter , prettier and talented than me, yet drinks like I dont know what, and weighs about 6 stone. She throws up almost every morning , and doesnt think she has a problem. She was phoning every night , for the whole entire night, Id have the kids going nip nip nip , him going nipnip nip wheres this , wheres that. me wishing I was the one sick as I want to scccccccccccccccrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmm, Dad not realy much contact from him. But when he does get in touch hes always really nice, mainly cause hes happy.
Anyway, right I got a bit side tracked there. God does anyone watch that outnumbered programme ( Oh makes me laugh) Sorry, Becca has goe hyper, worried about her too....if she says but again I am going back to my scratcher.
God loosing the point completely........yes so partner rings my children, he states that there is a family movie on at tea time and that he will be home to watch it ( with the girls then). I am thinking ....thats just great that is. Big guns gets the couch the cuddles to be waited on hand and foot. Yet doesnt speak one word to me ...ever...leaves his smelly boats in the living room and ooooooooooooj....I dont know what I amn doing - do I? At leats I am not shouting or crying about it now. But I think thats due to this drug- what a mess? I know people have got reall problems and i shouldnt be f=eeling it so rough but just cant take anymore. ( all this probably sound like normal family life - I dont know. I dont know what that is. Or maybe this is it- oh help someone.
Eating like a horse - which is good. I am a bit worried as all i want to do is put my head down all the time- t just feels a bit heavy. My head feels like it weighs double my boody weight.
Oh yeah...I forgot to mention that I tried to ring my cpn on Thursday, ( got her secretary) so dont know if she got the message ......still no contact and I know I am impatient ( probably due to my anxiety) and I know that something may well ahave happened ( I mean people go through wwhat happened to me and wore in this city all the time- so sure she has her hands tied) But I just wanted to give her a progress report. Afterall, she did say that she would ringme ( mid November ) thats why I wonder if something has happened. Anyway, theres been no comunication. I just wanted to tel her that Iwas back on the pills, that I have chickened theAA meetings and I am self determined, but I am worried ( well, yes- about everything) but at least I can write it here. Oh loosing what my point was.
Hmmm, think my toes are going to fall off.
Okay, better go calm my children down. My friend also gave me som e magic powerful tea that helps me sleep. ( I hope it has no dangerous ingredients)
I wanted to mention and a bit scared to, that I watched that programme on that Karen mathews case, and I got really scared as she reminded me of me......but I am not negelgent of my children , just have a problem with alcohol due to anxiety but am i anxiuos becauuse i have a learning difficulty or does my anxiety cause me to learn with difficulty? Oh, and then there is this the fact that Iver reported everything about me here, adn about him and them and evet=yrhting and that all makes my anxiety worse as I am scared!
But hey, I am not shouting, I am not crying. I jsut have anxiety and a sore toe.
I wish that woman had rung me- shes probably going to give me an almighty row for doing what I have done- i dont know. Scared of that too, and too scared to see my GP hell probably shout at me too. I dont know what to do!
or do I just be brave.......do I jsst do it the hard way. come off everything completely ....drag mmyself to work and to the school run with the heavy weights around my legs and my mangled head. See I know I cant cope on being me alone, ( if that makes any sense) ive done it before I wound up hysterical and my boss was shocked.....that was my old boss...I dont know what to do. I never used to be like this at all. After I ended up in hospital as a teenager for drinking a bottle of martini and throwing it up in the street, and kept in overnight due to hypothermia , i was always very careful about recreational drugs. Welll thats a bit ambiguous statement. I mean I have pretty much abused alcohol much off my adult life, but abused it snesibly ( okay that =makes no sens) but I mean I know the point before I get the head spins or the reall drunken ness, but I never thought Id have to take a pill to make me happy.
God right , if anyone reads this , thanks forlistening to me...I know it makes a difficult read. if you understand any of it or can give me any advice id be grateful. Okay must dash think the house is burning down ( thats a joke) Kids have gone quiet hmmmmmmm ( Ill go and investigate0
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Been better, Now have such a bad headache , i think I am going to be sick. This is painful to type. Up my left side of my face and really sore, lights are too bright and shaking. is this due to the medicine, ( as its certainly not the drink) Can this stuff cause brain tumours?
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At work today , just did not feel like myself, ( though I only took half a pill). Face is swollen and my right side has been nipping all day. My toe is also sore, so in a blind panic made an appointment to see my GP, ( Now worrying that i will be waisting his time) I mean its not as if there is anything serious going on. But then thinking that perhaps had I taken a whole pill I would be feeling okay and not desperately worrying about how I am going to sleep or what I am going to eat.
Oh- by the way folks I teird that breathing in thing...I enede up countint to about 120 before I stopped, and was nearly sleeping....but then it all started again, and I just think why this again?
Perhaps I am just worrying about too much, maybe it will pass, maybe I should cancel the appointment again. I just feel like my GP will be thinking I am crying wolf, but the thing is deep inside me, I know that there is something not quite right about the way I have dealt with and always have delat with day to day life. These feelings of pure anxieties, worries and fears prevent me from doing the things I want to.
Also I hasten to add, that all these hidden fears that I have make me avoid loads of things that I enjoy in my life and that doesnt help my sad , uneasy moods and then I get bad tempered. Shout at partner as he keeps telling me "I am lazy" I am dissorganised and I dont want to get involved. The more he says these things the more I push him away and the more our relationship suffers. Right enough though, he doesnt really listen or even try and understand. he used to, I thik he has just got fed up with it all. it is hard to live with me, so I dont blame him for the things he has done, said and did- not now. Lets face it I am damn hard to live with.
perhaps he sees it as another rejection from me.
Oh anyway, tried christmas shopping but turned around there were too many people and that made me panic- so walked swiftly home. Then I panic that I am not going to get anything done in time for my family and arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!
So far I ve stopped the alcohol abuse ( as I had done before) and stopped the axatives, but the urge is there today. I am not going to do this, no no no. I am going to be good to myself. but god, I annoy me, so god only knows what others must think.
Winter makes me panic as well. The cold weather, the windy weather, or the icy weather. I sopend my time looking at concrete in order to concentrate and not let myself slip.
Sorry but grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! I want to live my life again!
Oh- by the way folks I teird that breathing in thing...I enede up countint to about 120 before I stopped, and was nearly sleeping....but then it all started again, and I just think why this again?
Perhaps I am just worrying about too much, maybe it will pass, maybe I should cancel the appointment again. I just feel like my GP will be thinking I am crying wolf, but the thing is deep inside me, I know that there is something not quite right about the way I have dealt with and always have delat with day to day life. These feelings of pure anxieties, worries and fears prevent me from doing the things I want to.
Also I hasten to add, that all these hidden fears that I have make me avoid loads of things that I enjoy in my life and that doesnt help my sad , uneasy moods and then I get bad tempered. Shout at partner as he keeps telling me "I am lazy" I am dissorganised and I dont want to get involved. The more he says these things the more I push him away and the more our relationship suffers. Right enough though, he doesnt really listen or even try and understand. he used to, I thik he has just got fed up with it all. it is hard to live with me, so I dont blame him for the things he has done, said and did- not now. Lets face it I am damn hard to live with.
perhaps he sees it as another rejection from me.
Oh anyway, tried christmas shopping but turned around there were too many people and that made me panic- so walked swiftly home. Then I panic that I am not going to get anything done in time for my family and arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!
So far I ve stopped the alcohol abuse ( as I had done before) and stopped the axatives, but the urge is there today. I am not going to do this, no no no. I am going to be good to myself. but god, I annoy me, so god only knows what others must think.
Winter makes me panic as well. The cold weather, the windy weather, or the icy weather. I sopend my time looking at concrete in order to concentrate and not let myself slip.
Sorry but grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! I want to live my life again!
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Hey Daftydil
My name is Betti whats your name?
I been reading all through your posts you sure have yourself in knotts there lady
ok so you recognise the alcohol intake problem, great step
you also realise your having panic another great step
now you keep mentioning these pills, what exactly are they for and are they prescribed medication?
you mentioned winter so I am assuming your in the USA as its hot here in sydney australia
swelling of the face and other physical symptoms need to be investigated by the doctor, you could be having an allergic reaction to the meds then again you mentioned some herbal tea stuff your drinking you could be allergic to that too
the breathing thing takes lots of practice, if inding a spot for half an hour is to hard what about 10 minutes in the bathroom whilst having a shower, a friend of mine does not use the counting to breathe but some kind of chant they use at buddist temples, as you breathe in you say SOOOOO as you exhail you say HUMMMMM, you cannot breath in and actually say it so you think it,but you can breathe out and say hummm, sounds like the counting became another anxiety type trigger so give the so hum a go ok? every day in shower panic or no panic practice it
so am I correct, you joined AA and your currently not drinking? also sounds like you used laxatives a bit too much in past?
ok now
you want to get back to you and back into life, think of when things were nice,it might be 1 hour or 1 day, a time where you felt happy or accomplished or calm, what were things like for you then? what were other people doing? what things were you doing differently?
you mentioned the hubby might be fed up now but you also said he "used" to listen yes? what prevents you having a talk with him? explaining your fears, is there any friends who you can talk with on a regular basis? get some support
as for shopping and xmas coming fast, alot of people cannot go out for many reasoons so they shop online at places like ebay, another thing I noticed you say was you planned a big shopping day to get stuff done but became panic/anxiety and dashed home, ok thats wen the breathing kicks in, how about a good friend goes with you and you only plan a quick shop, 1 hour
keep writing it helps
another thing could be to use a thought diary have you heard of that? you get a text book and draw up lines
1st column is the date
2nd column is an event that caused you stress example, I went shopping but started to get anxiety
3rd column is what that makes you feel? fear 50% self doubt 20% or watever,you rate the feelings in percentages
the next (4th) column is where you think about what happened or alternative reasons, so in this case, Id say, its early days,your very stressed and stopped drinking and you were alone with no support,now
in the last column if you think ok I wasnt failing or crazy I was alone and am tryingto stop drinking plus have lots of extra stresses going on how do I now feel about my trip to the shops??? self doubt? fear? or a good try 100%
hope this stuff helps a little
1 day at a time ok, and remember any physical symptoms need a doctor you are not wasting the dr's time you are being cautious and sensible
tc
My name is Betti whats your name?
I been reading all through your posts you sure have yourself in knotts there lady
ok so you recognise the alcohol intake problem, great step
you also realise your having panic another great step
now you keep mentioning these pills, what exactly are they for and are they prescribed medication?
you mentioned winter so I am assuming your in the USA as its hot here in sydney australia
swelling of the face and other physical symptoms need to be investigated by the doctor, you could be having an allergic reaction to the meds then again you mentioned some herbal tea stuff your drinking you could be allergic to that too
the breathing thing takes lots of practice, if inding a spot for half an hour is to hard what about 10 minutes in the bathroom whilst having a shower, a friend of mine does not use the counting to breathe but some kind of chant they use at buddist temples, as you breathe in you say SOOOOO as you exhail you say HUMMMMM, you cannot breath in and actually say it so you think it,but you can breathe out and say hummm, sounds like the counting became another anxiety type trigger so give the so hum a go ok? every day in shower panic or no panic practice it
so am I correct, you joined AA and your currently not drinking? also sounds like you used laxatives a bit too much in past?
ok now
you want to get back to you and back into life, think of when things were nice,it might be 1 hour or 1 day, a time where you felt happy or accomplished or calm, what were things like for you then? what were other people doing? what things were you doing differently?
you mentioned the hubby might be fed up now but you also said he "used" to listen yes? what prevents you having a talk with him? explaining your fears, is there any friends who you can talk with on a regular basis? get some support
as for shopping and xmas coming fast, alot of people cannot go out for many reasoons so they shop online at places like ebay, another thing I noticed you say was you planned a big shopping day to get stuff done but became panic/anxiety and dashed home, ok thats wen the breathing kicks in, how about a good friend goes with you and you only plan a quick shop, 1 hour
keep writing it helps
another thing could be to use a thought diary have you heard of that? you get a text book and draw up lines
1st column is the date
2nd column is an event that caused you stress example, I went shopping but started to get anxiety
3rd column is what that makes you feel? fear 50% self doubt 20% or watever,you rate the feelings in percentages
the next (4th) column is where you think about what happened or alternative reasons, so in this case, Id say, its early days,your very stressed and stopped drinking and you were alone with no support,now
in the last column if you think ok I wasnt failing or crazy I was alone and am tryingto stop drinking plus have lots of extra stresses going on how do I now feel about my trip to the shops??? self doubt? fear? or a good try 100%
hope this stuff helps a little
1 day at a time ok, and remember any physical symptoms need a doctor you are not wasting the dr's time you are being cautious and sensible
tc
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Hi aussiebetskas, thank you for your reply I will experiment and see what seems to be best. I felt odd at work today. One of my boss just bugs me - he is very tatile ( to put it lightly) but apparently the othe way inclined ( if you know what I mean) Dont get me wrong I am not against bi-sexuals . Just the ,ale ones that think its okay to be touchy feely- it just bugs me. Yeah he might be like that ( so why keep touching us females!!!) Sorry just wound me up.
I took a whole pill this morning ( they were prescribed ages ago by my doctor- but my cpn had put me on something else and had stated that she didnt think this one was right for me. I know beg to differ.
I again started the shouting snappy thing and then the tearful thing, and now I seem to be permanetly worried about my physical health ( but theres probably not much wrong).
I just feeel that on these pills ( its more) water of a ducks back ( life) than the constant analysing- I dont over analyse so much or think obsessive thoughts to the point where I get so much knotted that I start to really worry. If my cpn could have phoned I would have explained myself.
Sorry betti, I live in Scotland....I dont want to reveal my name in case other viewers find out who I am and if someone may know me, but heres a clue ( it sounds like ET). So I now have a sore wrist and it keeps seizing up on me, ( though thankfully its not like my mums) Mum has now a massive mole on her wrist and it takes up her whole entire wrist. That makes me worry o.O
Face doesnt look so bad today, but wrist is sore. I could hardly write my name today- I cant think what it is?
On these pills before I abused them as I could not sleep at night. They kept me awake , so I drank on then to sleep- hence why i am worried that no one will support me on this( Have i done wriong?).
I think the combined repromand from my boss and the fact that I was off the planet ,made me do it. Also fed up having so much wine just to feel normal and then feel rubbish the next day.
Thank you for your help aussiebetska it is much appreciated. These days a lot of people just think i am really "highly strung" and either take a massive disslike to me or perhaps i dont do my job as a mum as well as i should.I will re read your posts they do help me. Thanks for being so understanding.
The med is citalopram- but only 20mg
I took a whole pill this morning ( they were prescribed ages ago by my doctor- but my cpn had put me on something else and had stated that she didnt think this one was right for me. I know beg to differ.
I again started the shouting snappy thing and then the tearful thing, and now I seem to be permanetly worried about my physical health ( but theres probably not much wrong).
I just feeel that on these pills ( its more) water of a ducks back ( life) than the constant analysing- I dont over analyse so much or think obsessive thoughts to the point where I get so much knotted that I start to really worry. If my cpn could have phoned I would have explained myself.
Sorry betti, I live in Scotland....I dont want to reveal my name in case other viewers find out who I am and if someone may know me, but heres a clue ( it sounds like ET). So I now have a sore wrist and it keeps seizing up on me, ( though thankfully its not like my mums) Mum has now a massive mole on her wrist and it takes up her whole entire wrist. That makes me worry o.O
Face doesnt look so bad today, but wrist is sore. I could hardly write my name today- I cant think what it is?
On these pills before I abused them as I could not sleep at night. They kept me awake , so I drank on then to sleep- hence why i am worried that no one will support me on this( Have i done wriong?).
I think the combined repromand from my boss and the fact that I was off the planet ,made me do it. Also fed up having so much wine just to feel normal and then feel rubbish the next day.
Thank you for your help aussiebetska it is much appreciated. These days a lot of people just think i am really "highly strung" and either take a massive disslike to me or perhaps i dont do my job as a mum as well as i should.I will re read your posts they do help me. Thanks for being so understanding.
The med is citalopram- but only 20mg
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Hi aussiebetska- today was a better day. I felt in a happy secure place and thought only off plaesntires( is there such a word?).
Work was hectic though as everyones been off sick and I couldnt keep on the job, up to date with everything as I felt a bit sleepy. thast another strange thing. Ive been sleeping better- but still have to listen to relaxing music and xds. must admit- I dont look better. Nose just looks swollen.
That diary thing you suggested sounds like a good idea. today I feel like the edge of my snappie stressed out me, has gone. I actually felt safe ( for a bit). Though cant stop rubbing my arm, It feels heavy and sore and i am having difficulty holding things. Then there is me deformed toe that keeps snapping or cracking when I walk. I didnt realise a toe could give a person so much discomfort.
The problem on this pill is that I am extremely dreamy and seem to go into my own thought world- but trying to make these positives.
Like think of Becca and the funny things she says. Or think of my other daughter and know how cheeky she can be. i think of them on previous christmasses and finding them so amuxing.
My partner , well i cant talk to him about things- my problems are not his to be shared ( if you can fathom that one out?). i get depressed about how distant we now are and how he does not seem to care that we are drifting apart. I get so lonely and this makes me feel like I have failed. failed my children.
But today altogether different and seeing things in a better light. Thinking and wondering if its been me all along. Why is he being so nice to me? Hmmmmm- my little girl just pulled out something that I am getting for christmas.. God you cant tell her anyting!!! Ha ha. it is funny though ( I am sure I was a bit like that)
Maybe this hand thing has something to do with my veins . I have a big blue vein in my hand - do you know anything . i just cant identify where the pain is coming from , but its definately sore. Ive not bashed it hes not twisted it, but its hard to move . Have you ever heard of such sy,mmptoms or am I completely loosing it?
Anyway ( if I have time, I shall try and make that diary up tonight). Oh this is the thing I feel great just now, but what if how I was seeing the world before was normal. Nah thats not possibel ( it aint right wanting to drink a bottle a night at all is it?) Oh well., there was a man on tv who drank a litre of gin and 3 pints ( a night o.O ). At least I am not that bad.
Anyway, must go Tc everyone on this site and thanks again to aussiebetskas-your messages are helpful but have to re read them to make each thing you suggested sink in to do them ( if you know what I mmean!) I am worried this pain in my arm is conneceted to someting else? When my aunt died of breast cancer she found it painful to lift her arm- gulp -what if its the same thing?
Work was hectic though as everyones been off sick and I couldnt keep on the job, up to date with everything as I felt a bit sleepy. thast another strange thing. Ive been sleeping better- but still have to listen to relaxing music and xds. must admit- I dont look better. Nose just looks swollen.
That diary thing you suggested sounds like a good idea. today I feel like the edge of my snappie stressed out me, has gone. I actually felt safe ( for a bit). Though cant stop rubbing my arm, It feels heavy and sore and i am having difficulty holding things. Then there is me deformed toe that keeps snapping or cracking when I walk. I didnt realise a toe could give a person so much discomfort.
The problem on this pill is that I am extremely dreamy and seem to go into my own thought world- but trying to make these positives.
Like think of Becca and the funny things she says. Or think of my other daughter and know how cheeky she can be. i think of them on previous christmasses and finding them so amuxing.
My partner , well i cant talk to him about things- my problems are not his to be shared ( if you can fathom that one out?). i get depressed about how distant we now are and how he does not seem to care that we are drifting apart. I get so lonely and this makes me feel like I have failed. failed my children.
But today altogether different and seeing things in a better light. Thinking and wondering if its been me all along. Why is he being so nice to me? Hmmmmm- my little girl just pulled out something that I am getting for christmas.. God you cant tell her anyting!!! Ha ha. it is funny though ( I am sure I was a bit like that)
Maybe this hand thing has something to do with my veins . I have a big blue vein in my hand - do you know anything . i just cant identify where the pain is coming from , but its definately sore. Ive not bashed it hes not twisted it, but its hard to move . Have you ever heard of such sy,mmptoms or am I completely loosing it?
Anyway ( if I have time, I shall try and make that diary up tonight). Oh this is the thing I feel great just now, but what if how I was seeing the world before was normal. Nah thats not possibel ( it aint right wanting to drink a bottle a night at all is it?) Oh well., there was a man on tv who drank a litre of gin and 3 pints ( a night o.O ). At least I am not that bad.
Anyway, must go Tc everyone on this site and thanks again to aussiebetskas-your messages are helpful but have to re read them to make each thing you suggested sink in to do them ( if you know what I mmean!) I am worried this pain in my arm is conneceted to someting else? When my aunt died of breast cancer she found it painful to lift her arm- gulp -what if its the same thing?
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Hi there folks, its me again.
ok, so I took a pill, a whole pill, and last night I slipped, yes sipped half a bottle of wine . gave partner the other half as i did not want to smell of alcohol at work , then tipped some into sick, if its there Ill drink it.
before i felt the need to have a drink, i had been ok, relaxed but cold and trembly, but my head felt relaxed and the kids were making all this noise that would normally make me scream and shout- but it was fine I could cope with that. Then I sarted that heart racing thing. I tried that sooo hum over, and even though my head felt ok, my heart was missing a few beats or belting through them too fast. I dont know what it is.
My sister rang. started talking- shes been phoning everynight, and even though I love her and appreciate she is very lonely and that she is having real problems herself, I cant help her. I have no energy to do that , I need to sort me out first for my children sake and then maybe I can help her. But that thought makes me panic. She is very light in weight and her immune system is rubbish. I am just thinking that my immune system must be good as everyone around me has had somesort of viral thing, I havent caught it. Anyway, god I sure waffle like I love myself - do I not? Sorry I am just feeling that typing here is helping me( and I know that sounds selfish) But at least I feel better for it. Sory, keep getting side tracked.
ok, yes so my sister rang, and as there is so much going on,, just so much I just thought I need a break and poured myself a glass of wine. I thought Ill just have one that will fix me. So I had that bloody glass of white wine......and then I think oh whats another wee glass going to do ( I think-nothing_ So I have the other glass ( I think I am just self indulgent) okay after that glass, I was laughing and trying to sort things out for christmas, but then partner starts.......so I had my third glass ( what a waaist) I got up this morning and I could niff it off me. I took the kids up the road to school. It was shut. Heating burst. I had to phone work and let them know that I was in a rut. So I pick the phone up and find that its been unplugged. Apparently my sister had been ringing all night or something.So the battery is flat and I cant ring my work.
Right, so i try my mobile. Oh been barred from using that. So I put main landline on the charger , I manage to get through but it blanks out after the "Hello". I then take kids to phone box, they all read"no cash calls", thank goodness it wasn not a real emergency. By the time I get home there was enough power in phone battery to phone ( phew!)Luckily, someone had got there shift wrong or something and they had cover...Anyway, my main point is Ive been stressed for yonks and the littlest thing now throws me, but today I coped like an average human, and I must say there have been times where I would have felt so angry about this situation , ( like todays that Ive cried with the gobstopper in the throat feeling) So this pill is definately working this time, I just hope the doctor supports my decision on going back on it as for me I feel itss the only way. I dont want to have to go into a rehab clinic, I just want to control this and get a grip of it now.
Anyway, that soo hum soo hum, thing works better ( for me) and with that and this med I can just about manage a smile. My nose still looks really swollen ( its big enough thanks) but erm Omg what has happened.
I also wonder if my pain symptoms are just apart of my anxiety. But I do have a sore toe and my arm is ceizing up on me ( or is it my hand?) I cant fathom out where it is sore ( is it my wrist?....then if I go down my back Is it a pulled muscle in my neck? is it just me? Is it psychosomatic? I dont know.
I dont know how long ive been like this. But looking back on everything I guess it was in me and ready to boil at any moment. I know that it has been suggested that I am in a "domestic situation": ( well I guess I am ) but I dont think of him that badly , not just now, maybe I am managing to forget and forgive in time. But its been over a year now. Maybe I am trying that "staying together for the children thing", weve not argued ( like shouted at one another in ages) Mind you he doesnt shout, its me that does that, thats when I see the world a bit darker. This falt looks awful I cant cope with the tiniest piece of paper on the living room floor, ( mind you that might be because thats the only tidy room in the house). I mean my partner can sit with shoes and allsorts of things around him, it doesnt seem to bother hi, I get really uptight and think I am failing the kids if this flats a mess ( yet the mad thing is they make the mess) Oh its mad!!!!! Then its like ( am I invisible?) Then , I am fed up thinking about it, I want to hide and sleep.
ok, so I took a pill, a whole pill, and last night I slipped, yes sipped half a bottle of wine . gave partner the other half as i did not want to smell of alcohol at work , then tipped some into sick, if its there Ill drink it.
before i felt the need to have a drink, i had been ok, relaxed but cold and trembly, but my head felt relaxed and the kids were making all this noise that would normally make me scream and shout- but it was fine I could cope with that. Then I sarted that heart racing thing. I tried that sooo hum over, and even though my head felt ok, my heart was missing a few beats or belting through them too fast. I dont know what it is.
My sister rang. started talking- shes been phoning everynight, and even though I love her and appreciate she is very lonely and that she is having real problems herself, I cant help her. I have no energy to do that , I need to sort me out first for my children sake and then maybe I can help her. But that thought makes me panic. She is very light in weight and her immune system is rubbish. I am just thinking that my immune system must be good as everyone around me has had somesort of viral thing, I havent caught it. Anyway, god I sure waffle like I love myself - do I not? Sorry I am just feeling that typing here is helping me( and I know that sounds selfish) But at least I feel better for it. Sory, keep getting side tracked.
ok, yes so my sister rang, and as there is so much going on,, just so much I just thought I need a break and poured myself a glass of wine. I thought Ill just have one that will fix me. So I had that bloody glass of white wine......and then I think oh whats another wee glass going to do ( I think-nothing_ So I have the other glass ( I think I am just self indulgent) okay after that glass, I was laughing and trying to sort things out for christmas, but then partner starts.......so I had my third glass ( what a waaist) I got up this morning and I could niff it off me. I took the kids up the road to school. It was shut. Heating burst. I had to phone work and let them know that I was in a rut. So I pick the phone up and find that its been unplugged. Apparently my sister had been ringing all night or something.So the battery is flat and I cant ring my work.
Right, so i try my mobile. Oh been barred from using that. So I put main landline on the charger , I manage to get through but it blanks out after the "Hello". I then take kids to phone box, they all read"no cash calls", thank goodness it wasn not a real emergency. By the time I get home there was enough power in phone battery to phone ( phew!)Luckily, someone had got there shift wrong or something and they had cover...Anyway, my main point is Ive been stressed for yonks and the littlest thing now throws me, but today I coped like an average human, and I must say there have been times where I would have felt so angry about this situation , ( like todays that Ive cried with the gobstopper in the throat feeling) So this pill is definately working this time, I just hope the doctor supports my decision on going back on it as for me I feel itss the only way. I dont want to have to go into a rehab clinic, I just want to control this and get a grip of it now.
Anyway, that soo hum soo hum, thing works better ( for me) and with that and this med I can just about manage a smile. My nose still looks really swollen ( its big enough thanks) but erm Omg what has happened.
I also wonder if my pain symptoms are just apart of my anxiety. But I do have a sore toe and my arm is ceizing up on me ( or is it my hand?) I cant fathom out where it is sore ( is it my wrist?....then if I go down my back Is it a pulled muscle in my neck? is it just me? Is it psychosomatic? I dont know.
I dont know how long ive been like this. But looking back on everything I guess it was in me and ready to boil at any moment. I know that it has been suggested that I am in a "domestic situation": ( well I guess I am ) but I dont think of him that badly , not just now, maybe I am managing to forget and forgive in time. But its been over a year now. Maybe I am trying that "staying together for the children thing", weve not argued ( like shouted at one another in ages) Mind you he doesnt shout, its me that does that, thats when I see the world a bit darker. This falt looks awful I cant cope with the tiniest piece of paper on the living room floor, ( mind you that might be because thats the only tidy room in the house). I mean my partner can sit with shoes and allsorts of things around him, it doesnt seem to bother hi, I get really uptight and think I am failing the kids if this flats a mess ( yet the mad thing is they make the mess) Oh its mad!!!!! Then its like ( am I invisible?) Then , I am fed up thinking about it, I want to hide and sleep.
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