Ill make this quick. ( Think the Christmas season has got too much for my kids- generally they are swinging from the lights , ignoring everything everyone says - and frankly cant really leave them on their own for very long) When I say ( on there own) I mean in another room.
Okay, after Thursdays events, yesterday - christmas concert ( with my mum and his entire family) Mum was absolutely hyper, but told me that i seemed much calmer and had my old character back, pfff, talk about being hyper. Anyway, had that , she came back to mine for lunch and we discussed a lot of things going on. She said that I seemed to be coping much better and that I had stoppped that shouting /crying thing. ( I feel much better , though didnt wake till pm today ( Dont know if it was the stress.)
Okay, mum leaves. !0 mins or so later my eldest daughter runs through exclaiming that the youngest had swallowed some money. God......watch me panic......so i phoned a friend.....meanwhile becca sweating and and rubbing neck, but otherwise ok. Okay, call Nhs 24, and speak to a nurse...she tells me to take her to a and e, and so we get there in about 20 mins...after a quick wait my girl gets a x ray ( shes fine) penny can be seen in stomach....( talk about trying to help the credit crunch the hard way) Now we all know waht to do, yes eat the money that will fix it!!!!1 Anyway, now I just need to keep a watchful eye on her and things. Thank god.
My point is that usually id cry about this situation , make things worse as Id be angry that I dont have access to a car and drive her there myself...or blame myself for her having swallowe the money, so coping better.
One other thing that makes me feel so guilty was on our departure a really young girl was wheeled in - she was not at all well. Made me feel so guilty, ( something else that normally would make me cry) I know this sounds absolutely awful, but on the upside I realsie how lucky I am to have such lovely healthy children . That makes me more myself too.
This week also a friend of mine was operated on. he is 2 years younger than I aand had a spider brain tumour. he toll ill with pneumonia after and has been in intensive care.its made everything move on a bit and he is not looking good. So scary, I tell you what , it all makes you appreciate your health. So I need to stop my nonsense and get me back. Take care everyone.
Okay, after Thursdays events, yesterday - christmas concert ( with my mum and his entire family) Mum was absolutely hyper, but told me that i seemed much calmer and had my old character back, pfff, talk about being hyper. Anyway, had that , she came back to mine for lunch and we discussed a lot of things going on. She said that I seemed to be coping much better and that I had stoppped that shouting /crying thing. ( I feel much better , though didnt wake till pm today ( Dont know if it was the stress.)
Okay, mum leaves. !0 mins or so later my eldest daughter runs through exclaiming that the youngest had swallowed some money. God......watch me panic......so i phoned a friend.....meanwhile becca sweating and and rubbing neck, but otherwise ok. Okay, call Nhs 24, and speak to a nurse...she tells me to take her to a and e, and so we get there in about 20 mins...after a quick wait my girl gets a x ray ( shes fine) penny can be seen in stomach....( talk about trying to help the credit crunch the hard way) Now we all know waht to do, yes eat the money that will fix it!!!!1 Anyway, now I just need to keep a watchful eye on her and things. Thank god.
My point is that usually id cry about this situation , make things worse as Id be angry that I dont have access to a car and drive her there myself...or blame myself for her having swallowe the money, so coping better.
One other thing that makes me feel so guilty was on our departure a really young girl was wheeled in - she was not at all well. Made me feel so guilty, ( something else that normally would make me cry) I know this sounds absolutely awful, but on the upside I realsie how lucky I am to have such lovely healthy children . That makes me more myself too.
This week also a friend of mine was operated on. he is 2 years younger than I aand had a spider brain tumour. he toll ill with pneumonia after and has been in intensive care.its made everything move on a bit and he is not looking good. So scary, I tell you what , it all makes you appreciate your health. So I need to stop my nonsense and get me back. Take care everyone.
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See your doctor. Only a direct one-on-one examination can get to the bottom of these attacks. Some physical conditions can give similar symptoms. An overactive thyroid gland can make the heart speed up, make a person shake and produce sweating. So can a rare tumor called a pheochromocytoma.
However, your episodes sound more like panic attacks.
Panic attacks make the heart race and sweat drip from the body. They make people tremble. They can cause chest pain that makes people believe they have heart trouble.
During an attack, fear surges through the body and produces all of the symptoms you mention — and more.
Up to 10 per cent of the population has to deal with panic attacks. Their causes spring from many factors. There is a definite genetic influence, proven by family and twin studies. There is also a definite imbalance in the chemicals brain cells produce to communicate with neighbouring brain cells.
If you turn out to have panic attacks, there are many therapies that can help you overcome them. Calming drugs such as alprazolam can restore the normal brain chemical balance.
Talk therapy with a mental health professional is an essential part of any panic attack programme. Therapists employ a technique called cognitive behaviour therapy. It uncovers any subconscious fears that can generate attacks, demonstrates the irrationality of such fears and teaches people relaxation techniques. Sometimes it entails exposing patients to situations that give rise to attacks. Quite often, patients can gain the upper hand over panic attacks in 12 to 16 weeks.
However, your episodes sound more like panic attacks.
Panic attacks make the heart race and sweat drip from the body. They make people tremble. They can cause chest pain that makes people believe they have heart trouble.
During an attack, fear surges through the body and produces all of the symptoms you mention — and more.
Up to 10 per cent of the population has to deal with panic attacks. Their causes spring from many factors. There is a definite genetic influence, proven by family and twin studies. There is also a definite imbalance in the chemicals brain cells produce to communicate with neighbouring brain cells.
If you turn out to have panic attacks, there are many therapies that can help you overcome them. Calming drugs such as alprazolam can restore the normal brain chemical balance.
Talk therapy with a mental health professional is an essential part of any panic attack programme. Therapists employ a technique called cognitive behaviour therapy. It uncovers any subconscious fears that can generate attacks, demonstrates the irrationality of such fears and teaches people relaxation techniques. Sometimes it entails exposing patients to situations that give rise to attacks. Quite often, patients can gain the upper hand over panic attacks in 12 to 16 weeks.
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Hi Mariah26- thank you for the very helpful advice..
I do not know if you have read all the posts I have typed here- ( I hate feeling so self absorbed). I am much better at helping other people out when times are tough than helping myself out.
Tonight I feel over anxious as my partner has gone out. He has been trying so hard to understand and he does help me out. However, I am scared he will come home and be angry and discontented. Whenever he spends time with his old uni friends, its like he feels bitter and it upsets him. frequently , I try and tell him, in this climate we cant have what we want , we have to make the best of what we have got. I think my partner is depressed. I think , yes hes fond of me, but does not love me. I think he likes mysister. I think she is who he wanted all along. I think he used me. I think he used me to get at her....and then I accidentally fell pregnant. I think he feels trapped. I think he has felt trapped by me.
Anyway, Ive not been able to let him remotely touch me, in anyway. ( Not since the events of last year) . its almost as if he thinks I am mental, and therefor thinks its fine to take advantage. I try to forgive him ( I try to say to myself , it was just the drink talking) but I cant forget. It hurts so much. Then I have my mum saying "its just man stuff" but its more than that. he has power and control over me.
I do not know if you have read all the posts I have typed here- ( I hate feeling so self absorbed). I am much better at helping other people out when times are tough than helping myself out.
Tonight I feel over anxious as my partner has gone out. He has been trying so hard to understand and he does help me out. However, I am scared he will come home and be angry and discontented. Whenever he spends time with his old uni friends, its like he feels bitter and it upsets him. frequently , I try and tell him, in this climate we cant have what we want , we have to make the best of what we have got. I think my partner is depressed. I think , yes hes fond of me, but does not love me. I think he likes mysister. I think she is who he wanted all along. I think he used me. I think he used me to get at her....and then I accidentally fell pregnant. I think he feels trapped. I think he has felt trapped by me.
Anyway, Ive not been able to let him remotely touch me, in anyway. ( Not since the events of last year) . its almost as if he thinks I am mental, and therefor thinks its fine to take advantage. I try to forgive him ( I try to say to myself , it was just the drink talking) but I cant forget. It hurts so much. Then I have my mum saying "its just man stuff" but its more than that. he has power and control over me.
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I just dont want to get up. freddie crugger feeling. is freddie in the house? Felll mad, upset and irritable. Am I just having an off day? the idea of going out to owrk is fraking me out!!! Dont know why. I just fel a bit freaked out today, sunday nerves and the only way to sleep on a sunday is to have some wine. i promise not to, ill just have some night nurse instead ( Doubt that will happen though) I know I will have some wine to settle my nerves but then shouldnt as I ve been having good days, but I am freaked out and its nearly christmad Fed up feeling the doom. It just knock on my door too much . I dont understand why I am like this Why I feel I need to drink to calm me or to just enjoy the planet a bit more. Why? And how do non drinkers do it? i just cant do this thing, this normal thing. i roning , washing cleaning bodies, making tea , packed lunches. making sure there clean warm and sorted. Then going to work, to be polite, kind and then to be told : I cant do it" Or I am not as good as they expect , or I am doing okay Bla bla bla. Dont get me wrong i think the poeple htere are nice , and do not mean to offend anyone ( it is just the mood I am in ) Why am I so bitter? i hate being judged for it. I hate it. i hate myself for it, Why do I do this? I hate this. i dont think anyone can understand how nervous I feel today, but I really dont want to have a shower let alone put clothes on . I dont know whats happened now.
Does everyone else or anyone feel like me. I know I have a drink problem and if someone was to take heoine , more than not they would take methodone ( or whatever that stuff is ) and not inject up so why do I still feel the need to have a drink? Do you know though, I just feel alone.I still see and I still judge others who take drugs ( I dont mean to ) but I still see it as "thats what a bad person does and that makes tham do bad things" but I dont do bad things to others or anything. Oh I just dont get it. And then this ( heres another waffle about me) grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!Like Im the only one with problems. What is ring with me? I mean there is so much more upsetting others, they can deal with it, so why cant i? Do I need to be harder on myself, more disciplend? then that makes me worse coz then I get the "I cant do it" and "I dont care about me" and "ive done it for so long, it wont hurt".
Stuff it., im going back to bed. He can deal with the kids today.......see thats what I want to do....but he want do the stuff neede to be done ( or is it I dont trust him to do the stuff?) I dont know. I am flipping not right and I am fed up with me. So fed up....feeling te urge to take lots of laxatives. i thought I was seeing the road the clarity. maybe its just sunday..I dont know.....I just know I dont want to live today. When I say live , I mean live my life, I dont particularly want to die today either as I nknow there are better days to be had, but Oh maybe I am just lazy. maybe thats it. I dont know.
Does everyone else or anyone feel like me. I know I have a drink problem and if someone was to take heoine , more than not they would take methodone ( or whatever that stuff is ) and not inject up so why do I still feel the need to have a drink? Do you know though, I just feel alone.I still see and I still judge others who take drugs ( I dont mean to ) but I still see it as "thats what a bad person does and that makes tham do bad things" but I dont do bad things to others or anything. Oh I just dont get it. And then this ( heres another waffle about me) grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!Like Im the only one with problems. What is ring with me? I mean there is so much more upsetting others, they can deal with it, so why cant i? Do I need to be harder on myself, more disciplend? then that makes me worse coz then I get the "I cant do it" and "I dont care about me" and "ive done it for so long, it wont hurt".
Stuff it., im going back to bed. He can deal with the kids today.......see thats what I want to do....but he want do the stuff neede to be done ( or is it I dont trust him to do the stuff?) I dont know. I am flipping not right and I am fed up with me. So fed up....feeling te urge to take lots of laxatives. i thought I was seeing the road the clarity. maybe its just sunday..I dont know.....I just know I dont want to live today. When I say live , I mean live my life, I dont particularly want to die today either as I nknow there are better days to be had, but Oh maybe I am just lazy. maybe thats it. I dont know.
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Ok, hi everyone, hope you are all good!
saw my Doctor and he was great. Undertsanding and gave me some more meds. But , then explained about my sore toe and gulp!!! ( Chanting to myself "they always tell you the worst case just in case, it wont happen)
Otherwise happy I am taking this pill. Though having funny stomach complaints and feel a bit spacey ( from time to time). had a good chuckle at a workmate who planted some brussel sprouts in my pocket. My sense of humour is returning ( thankfully) and I feel much stronger. So my advice to anyone is take the help that you can get and do not hide away.
Homelife, well its not so great . Money matters ( as I guess everyone is finding this santa x-mas very stressful) and its causing huge pani on this family, but we will get through- ( even if I just have to pack a mince pie in a huge cardboard box) there will be a way to manage. I just wish he was not so secretive about his money and I wish he would take note at just how pricy children are.
Anyway, thats enough of that. Theres not really much I can do right now to get out of this situation. he keeps calling me the abusive person, yet ( oh nevermind) I just take a breath in and say dont argue- hell not shout back anyway. he just uses actions ( I guess thats the best way to describe it) rather than words). i dont/cant speak to him now and frankly dont think any relationship is worth it, if this is it.
Anyway, cant beleive I just did that ( enough of that and then rant on again about stuff) Ill never learn. Okay, still in a good mood, and finding my children very comical at the moment. ( all good that way- at least there is that) At least I am not switching off completely as I had before as I felt ( hurt),but why should they have to suffer ( at my expense) so I feel a bit better for being the mummy that I can be.
take care, ( I dont know brussel sprouts? Hmmmm Ill just sneak some quality street into her pockets then ( at least they are edible). he he.
saw my Doctor and he was great. Undertsanding and gave me some more meds. But , then explained about my sore toe and gulp!!! ( Chanting to myself "they always tell you the worst case just in case, it wont happen)
Otherwise happy I am taking this pill. Though having funny stomach complaints and feel a bit spacey ( from time to time). had a good chuckle at a workmate who planted some brussel sprouts in my pocket. My sense of humour is returning ( thankfully) and I feel much stronger. So my advice to anyone is take the help that you can get and do not hide away.
Homelife, well its not so great . Money matters ( as I guess everyone is finding this santa x-mas very stressful) and its causing huge pani on this family, but we will get through- ( even if I just have to pack a mince pie in a huge cardboard box) there will be a way to manage. I just wish he was not so secretive about his money and I wish he would take note at just how pricy children are.
Anyway, thats enough of that. Theres not really much I can do right now to get out of this situation. he keeps calling me the abusive person, yet ( oh nevermind) I just take a breath in and say dont argue- hell not shout back anyway. he just uses actions ( I guess thats the best way to describe it) rather than words). i dont/cant speak to him now and frankly dont think any relationship is worth it, if this is it.
Anyway, cant beleive I just did that ( enough of that and then rant on again about stuff) Ill never learn. Okay, still in a good mood, and finding my children very comical at the moment. ( all good that way- at least there is that) At least I am not switching off completely as I had before as I felt ( hurt),but why should they have to suffer ( at my expense) so I feel a bit better for being the mummy that I can be.
take care, ( I dont know brussel sprouts? Hmmmm Ill just sneak some quality street into her pockets then ( at least they are edible). he he.
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Celebrity
286 posts
Hi to anyone who reads this.
I just wanted to coment on something.
Its really windy here. I get so anxt by the wind. Going out ( well I find it hard) I just think the worst all the time. Children laugh at me. As I clench up and just want to run home. I hate the wind.
Anyway, i just wanted to say that , that soo hum exercise helped me to calm myself. Really silly how I get so uptight about everyday thing- dont you think?The good out of it, is I am now at home and felel safer and can appreciate the comfort of central heating ( ha - when it works!).
Had some bad news today about a friend who has not got long to go so thats not really helped everything and makes me feel a bit scathing towards my partners laidback carefree attitude ( which is what attracted me to him in the first place ) mad!!!
Well, Aussiebetska-Betti, thank you for your help. I go back and reread your post just to reassure myself that this is normal and i am not having a mental crack up.
Take care everyone, and have a good cgristmas!!
I just wanted to coment on something.
Its really windy here. I get so anxt by the wind. Going out ( well I find it hard) I just think the worst all the time. Children laugh at me. As I clench up and just want to run home. I hate the wind.
Anyway, i just wanted to say that , that soo hum exercise helped me to calm myself. Really silly how I get so uptight about everyday thing- dont you think?The good out of it, is I am now at home and felel safer and can appreciate the comfort of central heating ( ha - when it works!).
Had some bad news today about a friend who has not got long to go so thats not really helped everything and makes me feel a bit scathing towards my partners laidback carefree attitude ( which is what attracted me to him in the first place ) mad!!!
Well, Aussiebetska-Betti, thank you for your help. I go back and reread your post just to reassure myself that this is normal and i am not having a mental crack up.
Take care everyone, and have a good cgristmas!!
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Ive never felt this about christmas before. but this year, like many others , feeling the pinch. Cant manage to get the kids the gifts they have requested. Wrapped some up and thinking it looks so bare. I just want to cry as they are so hyper and all i can think is awe they are going to be so dissapointed. ( Even after trying to explain that santa is having a credit crisis this year) it doesnt matter . They think he is magic!!!!
Also, partner does need seem to give a damn about any of it. He never wraps one pressie for them let alone other relatives. Any extra money he has made gets spent on him. I just get so stressed about my children feeling unl;oved at Christmas. I know its silly. I just want to give them that special feeling. make them feel special. They deserve it. They are both such lovely girls. I just want to cry about it. But I cant, and so much worsse things are happening and I cant cry and I know it will all burst out in the wrong place at the wrong time and that will make everything worse.
Partner has agreed that I am unhappy and that he will move out, on the condition that I find him a flat. ( I guess he will be at work, so maybe this is not such a bad request- and it is me thats exhausted by him . I just dont think he can see what he does wrong ( not to say that I am perfect- far from that). I dont know though- what if I regret all this and then crumple nad feel the fear again. I am so scared that that is what will happen as I want feel safe on my own, but then whats the point living with a man that can turn on you at any moment( Ironic) . Oh god, and then Ill get down coz Ill be on my own and that Ive not yet managed to have a sucessful relationship and that I am not attractive. ( Oh how did I get on here)
Also, partner does need seem to give a damn about any of it. He never wraps one pressie for them let alone other relatives. Any extra money he has made gets spent on him. I just get so stressed about my children feeling unl;oved at Christmas. I know its silly. I just want to give them that special feeling. make them feel special. They deserve it. They are both such lovely girls. I just want to cry about it. But I cant, and so much worsse things are happening and I cant cry and I know it will all burst out in the wrong place at the wrong time and that will make everything worse.
Partner has agreed that I am unhappy and that he will move out, on the condition that I find him a flat. ( I guess he will be at work, so maybe this is not such a bad request- and it is me thats exhausted by him . I just dont think he can see what he does wrong ( not to say that I am perfect- far from that). I dont know though- what if I regret all this and then crumple nad feel the fear again. I am so scared that that is what will happen as I want feel safe on my own, but then whats the point living with a man that can turn on you at any moment( Ironic) . Oh god, and then Ill get down coz Ill be on my own and that Ive not yet managed to have a sucessful relationship and that I am not attractive. ( Oh how did I get on here)
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Ok, not feeling in the holiday mood. But wondering if these brain zaps are healthy. Every time I sleep ( at least I am doing that) I awake with zzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaap, zzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaap, zzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaap. Once I get up, I m fine- does anyone know if this is normal? And, iif these are good or bad for you- I dont remeber them so much on these before, I knew I got them but this time its more definite. Is my medication too much for me now? Does anyone know?
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Yo yo guys,Hi there I am ( well, good old katy),theres a but.
I cant sleep, my heart or it feels like my hear , is flipping and flopping, and I know i am feeling really really anxious.
My children had a great christmas- so that makes me feel better-but I cant get rid of this anxiousness ( if there is such a word) . I just want to sleep.
I pounced on my boyfriend for a cuddle , the other night, he was shocked but happy. But I am scared. i am also really pmted and worried about my toe business, sweating constantly and running to the lou all the time and thats without any help from laxatives. pfff-I dont know what to do.
My friends mum died on the 23rd and i really really feel for her, but too anxious to go to the funeral- thats so bad and so selfish- i cant do it- I am scared Ill collapse-so not going. Anyway, thats my blurb right now. take care folks and have a good new year
I cant sleep, my heart or it feels like my hear , is flipping and flopping, and I know i am feeling really really anxious.
My children had a great christmas- so that makes me feel better-but I cant get rid of this anxiousness ( if there is such a word) . I just want to sleep.
I pounced on my boyfriend for a cuddle , the other night, he was shocked but happy. But I am scared. i am also really pmted and worried about my toe business, sweating constantly and running to the lou all the time and thats without any help from laxatives. pfff-I dont know what to do.
My friends mum died on the 23rd and i really really feel for her, but too anxious to go to the funeral- thats so bad and so selfish- i cant do it- I am scared Ill collapse-so not going. Anyway, thats my blurb right now. take care folks and have a good new year
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Feeling reallylow and alone today. Not managed to get backside of couch and sore hand . Cant stop crying and have no particular reason for feeling this way.
My partner did start snapping at me after my sister left and i guess that triggered me offf on one.
I dont know if anyone actually reads these but hey it helps me just to type it out ( some is drivel, some is not)But my hand if freaking me out and cant even bring myself to go for a bath. Tody felt so alone, wanted to curl up and shrivel away. I hate feeling like this.Its so selfish. I know most of it will be pmt-but there has to be more to existence than this, ( or maybe thats it) Maybe I try too hard to look for something , something that is not there, We all are only dust ( afterall).
Worried and anxious about my foot. Pain goes half way up and the bone grinds and I dont know but it goes numb.
Anyway, hes gone to work and I still cant get my butt of the couch. Hand burning and just all sore.
Worried abot my sister too. She keeps throwing up.
My partner did start snapping at me after my sister left and i guess that triggered me offf on one.
I dont know if anyone actually reads these but hey it helps me just to type it out ( some is drivel, some is not)But my hand if freaking me out and cant even bring myself to go for a bath. Tody felt so alone, wanted to curl up and shrivel away. I hate feeling like this.Its so selfish. I know most of it will be pmt-but there has to be more to existence than this, ( or maybe thats it) Maybe I try too hard to look for something , something that is not there, We all are only dust ( afterall).
Worried and anxious about my foot. Pain goes half way up and the bone grinds and I dont know but it goes numb.
Anyway, hes gone to work and I still cant get my butt of the couch. Hand burning and just all sore.
Worried abot my sister too. She keeps throwing up.
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Celebrity
286 posts
Hey Dafty, it sure sounds like you had a rough stretch during the holidays :-(
I hope the new year is getting off to a better start for you. Hang in there :-D
I hope the new year is getting off to a better start for you. Hang in there :-D
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Well, I either laugh or cry. I never had a really big session ( that is with the booze and socialising , until doom bang, nerves hit me-like somesort of boom. I was sitting on the couch watching telly, ifelt like i couldnt breath, children soo soo hyper and couldnt settle. So the Sunday before returning to work, I just went off on one...all I could think was stuff this...i cant do this. So, ( after finding out my sisters german bloke had ditched her again) I opened a bottle of wine. My intentions were just to have a couple ( as i had work the next day) I got carried away with all my thoughts and selfishly drunk the bottle, then headed for more I had 2 more gin and tonics and then popped off to bed. I woke at 8;50am. pure panic shot through my body.
The children had scholl. Got them there half an hour late. ( well at least they had breakfast and were clean) then literallly jumped on a bus,though that took ages to turn up ( would have been quicker walking) Anyway, arrived at work.
Managed to do an hour.......then...boom bang..pulled up for smelling like a brewry. i burst out crying and was sent home. i Cried that whole day. All day...then went to bed with a spoonful of night nurse.
Following this, I carried on as normal ...was good...didnt touch the booze...but anxious and jumpy...and feeling like ...well, whatever is wrong with me I have to stick at work...( But I knew that there would be trouble)
I was right.
Yesterday, boss returned to work, as soon as I saw her my heart did a belter...I am thinking ...why d o I do this to myself....why do I get so intimidated by people that have not had the experiences I have had ( ie those that are younger by a good 5 years) At the end of the shift she said"I d like you to come into my office for a wee chat-steal you for 5 mins-were her words" Anyway, I go into her office-she closes the door ( which she never does) There is a person from HR ( Human resources) scribbing for her as she asked questions, and I told her the bare minimum. Really feel hurt that she disciplined me like this...and now whatever I have done( and I dont know what I have done that is so bad that is leading up to a shop investigation). yes I was bad that day....but what about the good I do do. Anyway, I am now being investigated. I feel like throwing up all the time.. So worried. Cant believe I cant even do a sop job. I was doing so well the day she pulled me up too.
Anyway, ive been disciplined for my behaviour last Monday. I do intend to try and keep my nose clean instead os stink with the pink. But I felt humiliated that I had to be questioned aboout my personal life in front of a stranger from HR-nicknamed by me as Hell Raisers. Personnel are there to protect the comapny, not the employee. It all makes me feel more isolated and wish my existence less off.
So angry about my own feelings and they way I have behaved, I burst and cried. that melon got stuck in my throat and I publicaly humiliated myself and I cried for the whole entirity of Scotland. Oh , here we go....Now I am thinking they are going to find out things that I dont want them too. I want to fight this. I want to be okay. I almost wish there was a real thing that happened - but theres not.
Didnt think I would do it- but I told my mum- she was shocked. She asked about my drinking. I felt so ashamed I could not tell her the total truth. Despite that, I am eating better, and looking after myself better, but I feel sh*t.
My sister and family say I should just do something else.....but I dont know what to do...and in this climate..this is not a good time to loose your job. God I do waffle. but found some great friends form my old Uni days, and they are getting back in touch. thats good, But how do I explain what is wrong? and is there anything wrong? My mother laughs when I tell her what I am like...she says thats how I think but isnt actually how I behave( ie) I think sometomes I get hyperactive and say ridiculous things- she says thats not true, anyway, tired for my ranting and of it. I dont get me at all. I feel really indifferent, I am fighting my suicidal thoughts all the time. I really wanted to finish me off after Thursdays events...but then think ...whats the point..that will happen anyway, propbably when life is good.
JR! and aussie thank you for your support I do waffle on but I guess its better telling it to my pc than being a brain drain on anyone else. tahnk you for your time ( if you do read this waffle) I appreciate it.
The children had scholl. Got them there half an hour late. ( well at least they had breakfast and were clean) then literallly jumped on a bus,though that took ages to turn up ( would have been quicker walking) Anyway, arrived at work.
Managed to do an hour.......then...boom bang..pulled up for smelling like a brewry. i burst out crying and was sent home. i Cried that whole day. All day...then went to bed with a spoonful of night nurse.
Following this, I carried on as normal ...was good...didnt touch the booze...but anxious and jumpy...and feeling like ...well, whatever is wrong with me I have to stick at work...( But I knew that there would be trouble)
I was right.
Yesterday, boss returned to work, as soon as I saw her my heart did a belter...I am thinking ...why d o I do this to myself....why do I get so intimidated by people that have not had the experiences I have had ( ie those that are younger by a good 5 years) At the end of the shift she said"I d like you to come into my office for a wee chat-steal you for 5 mins-were her words" Anyway, I go into her office-she closes the door ( which she never does) There is a person from HR ( Human resources) scribbing for her as she asked questions, and I told her the bare minimum. Really feel hurt that she disciplined me like this...and now whatever I have done( and I dont know what I have done that is so bad that is leading up to a shop investigation). yes I was bad that day....but what about the good I do do. Anyway, I am now being investigated. I feel like throwing up all the time.. So worried. Cant believe I cant even do a sop job. I was doing so well the day she pulled me up too.
Anyway, ive been disciplined for my behaviour last Monday. I do intend to try and keep my nose clean instead os stink with the pink. But I felt humiliated that I had to be questioned aboout my personal life in front of a stranger from HR-nicknamed by me as Hell Raisers. Personnel are there to protect the comapny, not the employee. It all makes me feel more isolated and wish my existence less off.
So angry about my own feelings and they way I have behaved, I burst and cried. that melon got stuck in my throat and I publicaly humiliated myself and I cried for the whole entirity of Scotland. Oh , here we go....Now I am thinking they are going to find out things that I dont want them too. I want to fight this. I want to be okay. I almost wish there was a real thing that happened - but theres not.
Didnt think I would do it- but I told my mum- she was shocked. She asked about my drinking. I felt so ashamed I could not tell her the total truth. Despite that, I am eating better, and looking after myself better, but I feel sh*t.
My sister and family say I should just do something else.....but I dont know what to do...and in this climate..this is not a good time to loose your job. God I do waffle. but found some great friends form my old Uni days, and they are getting back in touch. thats good, But how do I explain what is wrong? and is there anything wrong? My mother laughs when I tell her what I am like...she says thats how I think but isnt actually how I behave( ie) I think sometomes I get hyperactive and say ridiculous things- she says thats not true, anyway, tired for my ranting and of it. I dont get me at all. I feel really indifferent, I am fighting my suicidal thoughts all the time. I really wanted to finish me off after Thursdays events...but then think ...whats the point..that will happen anyway, propbably when life is good.
JR! and aussie thank you for your support I do waffle on but I guess its better telling it to my pc than being a brain drain on anyone else. tahnk you for your time ( if you do read this waffle) I appreciate it.
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Does anyone else go over things and over things and over things in their head, everything gets over analysed, nothing is simple and its just a total feeling of - this world is against me.?????????????
I know now, that I do this. I know now that this is quite a self absorbed way of being- I dont wnat to do this, but after a life long debate with me...its hard to stop.
I cant stay focused on things . I cant make decisions for myself. Create my own opinions about things. I just think ...and wonder.
Anyway, this time around , on this pill ( whatever it is) I am sleeping like a zombie!!!! Woke up today at 1230pm. Kids had hhda 2 breakfast....thank god they are independent enough Poorr soles!!!!! I am also eating a lot better and not worrying about that side of things. Managed to cuddle partner, but woke up during the screaming at him to get off me>>>>Poor guy...must wonder wtf I am about.
Okay......then there is all the rest . My flat is a mess. My work problems haunting me, and I feel like a criminal. ( I dont feel like I hvae done anything wrong really- apart form haveing a wee-glass of wine).
Then there is my friend, shes managing so well considering everything. I am very proud of her. Cant believe what she went through , but I take it , thats just life. Waiting on my dad to arrive so that I can then pop round and see her, but this is the thing my daft parents do , that I never organise, but they never give me a time to say when they will arrive I end up waiting and waitng and then I get furious as the whole day has gone,,,grrr!!
My toe is really hurting now as well..... No big shakes. hvae pain above left hip still. Was really bad yesterday. Mum says its probably an ovarian cyst and I should get it checked out "Get stuffed mum". She also stated that my great gran went to the same Uni as me and that she got some sort of scholarship her name Helen Furey ( ha ha) Thats true by the way , niot a joke. Meanwhile , her gran bagged of with some really young doctor.....and had my mums mum illigitimately ( or whatever) Its amazing what you find out about family. Cant find out things about my dads sisde Its all secretiive. Just know stuff from him. God I am waffling. I find it ll weird that my gramps died off bowel and stomach cancer and us female dget cysts and polyps......it must be all conected,. Interesting but does not stop the worry. Right going to sto ptyping now...better gop do some thing with the children.
I know now, that I do this. I know now that this is quite a self absorbed way of being- I dont wnat to do this, but after a life long debate with me...its hard to stop.
I cant stay focused on things . I cant make decisions for myself. Create my own opinions about things. I just think ...and wonder.
Anyway, this time around , on this pill ( whatever it is) I am sleeping like a zombie!!!! Woke up today at 1230pm. Kids had hhda 2 breakfast....thank god they are independent enough Poorr soles!!!!! I am also eating a lot better and not worrying about that side of things. Managed to cuddle partner, but woke up during the screaming at him to get off me>>>>Poor guy...must wonder wtf I am about.
Okay......then there is all the rest . My flat is a mess. My work problems haunting me, and I feel like a criminal. ( I dont feel like I hvae done anything wrong really- apart form haveing a wee-glass of wine).
Then there is my friend, shes managing so well considering everything. I am very proud of her. Cant believe what she went through , but I take it , thats just life. Waiting on my dad to arrive so that I can then pop round and see her, but this is the thing my daft parents do , that I never organise, but they never give me a time to say when they will arrive I end up waiting and waitng and then I get furious as the whole day has gone,,,grrr!!
My toe is really hurting now as well..... No big shakes. hvae pain above left hip still. Was really bad yesterday. Mum says its probably an ovarian cyst and I should get it checked out "Get stuffed mum". She also stated that my great gran went to the same Uni as me and that she got some sort of scholarship her name Helen Furey ( ha ha) Thats true by the way , niot a joke. Meanwhile , her gran bagged of with some really young doctor.....and had my mums mum illigitimately ( or whatever) Its amazing what you find out about family. Cant find out things about my dads sisde Its all secretiive. Just know stuff from him. God I am waffling. I find it ll weird that my gramps died off bowel and stomach cancer and us female dget cysts and polyps......it must be all conected,. Interesting but does not stop the worry. Right going to sto ptyping now...better gop do some thing with the children.
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Just received mean letter from worl. Ive to arrive at work for my discplinary with the big boss...and it states that I should bring another TU representative....PANTS!!!!!! I dont know who they are??????? So thinking the worst...I mean there puliing in the big boss now. so thats that. Looks like Illl be getting sacked. Though it seems unfair. I only turned up with a hangover. I never have and never would drink at work, like it has been suggested. I do drink...and thats not great, but I dont get unconscious. I just probably part of the whole thing...I just do not eat very much.Thats 3 meals a day ( which in my opiion is a lot -is ridiculous!!!!!!
Iwant to cry about it, but I cant, I have my children here. What a disappointment I am!!! Cant even talk about it to parents and I dont know where my contract is. Ock- I should stop with the worry, theyll do what they going to do regardless. My stomach feels sick!!!! I hate life. :'(
Iwant to cry about it, but I cant, I have my children here. What a disappointment I am!!! Cant even talk about it to parents and I dont know where my contract is. Ock- I should stop with the worry, theyll do what they going to do regardless. My stomach feels sick!!!! I hate life. :'(
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