Linked to Anxiety?

Cooking tea and cut my thumb.....its been bleeding for over an hour . It want stop. cant believe I did ( doh0. I think i get clumsy when I have so much on my mind. That letter states"that it may just lead to a warning" Do I think the worst or take their word for it. I just hav esuch trust issues.

Okay, on the brighter side , at least I never got the sack. On the greyer side, I am on my last and final warning. ( When did I ge t my first?).

Anyway, it was more painful waiting on the worst than actually being told what was /is going to happen.

Ive promised that I will not go to work stinking, asked for their support. They were both understanding- but I just dont feel well now. Sinises are getting the better of me, I want to sleep and I dont really want to go back ( even though these people have been great) . I guess I just feel ashamed. I gues I am scared too t, that I want be able to clean up my act. I am scared I want ever feel okay. But hey whats the point not trying??? I am scared though for trying and then what if I fail??? Then Ill be really bad. Oh, It will be okay. My guess is that once I start becoming better again - Ill want to more and more,. Thats what I hope. Then there is the worry and to be more honest- the worry , that I will go back on the wine. Thinking that its no big deal. ( oh hear I go again)

Its no fun. Drugs just dont work. Thats another worry- when I come off this pill what if I feel "I cant do it" anymore, and then return to the drink for relief. What if my life is always going to be like this? Oh bother....I ask too many sillly questions.

Then there is my partner- what am I going to do? One minute hes so nice, stating that he still loves me....the next so demanding...and that makes me all so confused and I get lost, feel hurt, and oh boy, its just mad!!! What if it is me? If it is my interpretations_I think they are all wrong_ I jump the gum , mre than not. Oh, so confused. Perhaps I just need some sleep. Cant believe I sit here and type my feelings on my pc for some light relief. Oh well here goes 2009...is going to be a very sober year.

A girl, today came up especially to see me, to help me out. ( It was the scribber from my employers interviews). Luckily, her mum works with people and knew a lot about how to handle some of my issues. This girl has given me relevant details, that fit into my family schedule, ( without them having to know about what it is I do). So I rang them today, and going to go along on Wednesday. I am scared, but I need to tackle my problems, head on. I am scared, but detemined to start living a more prosperous life ( without alcohol). I cant imagine not having to WANT or NEED to have a drink- though I know I am not that bad and that I probably should eat more and drink more water. I am scared ; but now ready.

:'( Hi there folks. Nit feeling well ( so going back to bed).

Just wanted to wrie this down. realising how tired I am and not being able to fight of htis cold , I just want to sleep.

Received a awful letter from work. Stating that Ive been disciplined for a 12mnth period ( Get stuffed) these people think they are above me- yet cant even date a letter correctly ( on such a serious preach of misconduct ) Management???????( Doh!!!). I am looking into my right to appeal against them , meanwhile looking for other work. Fair enough I did a silly thing, but may it be noted they are always late and I am not the only looney to arrived at work at New Year smelling of alcohol.

On the other hans I was stupidly honest with these people ( back stabbing twats htat they are) I should have known better- but ( doh!) Might as well have shoved a shot gun down my gabber. really alcoholism is a diseaese and usually ( more than not) It stems from more than one thing and leads onto others. if I were to wrie to HR and explain that I have been having a difficult time ( though not soo difficult) and that management ( what did they eat too many minvce pies) Cant even date a leeter correctly ( on such a serious matter) and that for management this proves exactly who is professional . I will also be adding that a couple of weeks prior to this little incident , that I was required to do an extra shift ( On a saturday) which meant commiting myself, and putting work before my children ( which I did) at which time I was secretly shopped, giving aus a good representation of 92%. Sorry but who and where are these alien unfriendly people coming from.

Anyway, going back to bed. then going out to look for another job.

Oh tool the plunge and going o a drop in centre ( women only) :O

Dont know> Feeling really low- ( mind you have been trying to cut this pill out) Why- cause I want to be free from drugs?

Woke up this morning. Smacked my left eye off kitchen table. ( I think) Looks so bad- It actually feels like soemsort of eye infection. Whatever, its taken my sinisitus away.

Soooo tire today.

Sister phoned last night. Shes in pain with her staple stitches. Sorry they used metal wire to stich her back up.

Anyway- for no explained reason , feeling really low, so low that I wouldnt even want to end it. I just want sleep. or a really good cry. I dont know why I am like this. havent a clue really. So fed up.

Craving cola cubes.

I just want to go to bed and stayt here for a week. Thinking if I feel like this next week, ill take compassioante leave and stay in bed. just want to bee on my own. its the worst day to feel like this too- Mum is coming. and she will be so so intense. feel so sad.

My eye is black and blue. My toes are curling in amd I have hurt my bottome.

I am thinking along these lines. its sole destroying. But I know one thing.

I am an alcoholic.

I also know that i probably have somesort of eadting disorde, but oh well nevermind.

I know I am an alcoholic- I ve just tried to let my hair down so to speak. I beat myself up about it and its dysfunction. About the stereotype , ( but hey thats all that is) about how an alcoholic( so to speak) is an abuser......though let me make one thing clear....one thing which really anooys me......someone who is dependant on alcohl.....does not necessarily abuse other people. There are nice people that are drink dependdant. It does not make you EVIL, like it is led to believe. If you carry on thinking you are evil A) you will never admit you have a problem and B0 you will become evil.

so. I am an alcoholic, but I am not evil.

The next thing I wish to type is that people who do not have such an illness, do not understand. There is a feeling of shame attached, but if someone were to turn round and say hey wait a minute .....I am an anorexic.....its the same thing..........its a way of coping with your emotions....its hidden ....its something.....like a fear.....its anxiety........its another way of dealing with emotion, but its a coping strategy ( a way) of dealing with fears. Except, even I have more empathey and sympathy for a anorexic, than I do for an alcoholic, this is because there is a lot of "pleasure seeker" people that drink for fuin.

This is another type of addiction....drinking for fun.......

I just like to point out that A) I have never drank for fun. B) I dont remeber having fun days on alcohol. I remeber passing out at 16 in a friends toilet and wondering if Id ever make it to the next day...let alone get home....but I do not remenber having fun.

There is a lot of finger pointing and people who judge others and shame other for their wrong doings.

I now have made 2 decisions

A) Leave your job.

B) Take a week off. Just to speak to others who may instead of judge me, understand me.

c) Never google, understanding the alcoholic ever again....First few sentences wwere fine....but then it turns everything on its head, making it complete nonsense stating that RELIGION ( which i could never do) is a better way of living.

PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Right , my left eye is now lookin swollen. but then Ive been crying all day.

Last night, I didnt think I had had that much. But today realised that I stank. I never fell last night, I merely slept on my mobile phone charm. My partner want be seen with me, in case people think hes been beating me up. I look like Ive been beaten up. Mobile phone charms are dangerous. Theres blood on the outside all round it, amd mmy vision has gone blurry.

Just as well, its my bad eye.

Anyway, sister was on phone all night last night and I guess I just cant cope. I dont know- but being where she is in Scotland, Medicines must be so archaic. Metal stitches. My poor sister is in pain and shock.

Okay, so mum came over. She gave me a huge row. I couldnt stop crying. But really all I wanted to do was hurl abuse at her. She started feeling angry as I left her outside the school when collecting my children. She said I was stinking. She said I was in a mess and she was really disappointed in mee. AShe has taken my girls away from me this weekend. I am missing them all eady and cant stand her control!!!! If she was so concerned about me, why does she never listen???? I have so many issues with my mum, and it always gets me in a complete mangle...and I just cry insy=tead of saying what exactly I think of her. The fact that she discs me for the way I control my depression and anxieties. I guess she has a huge point and that is I do not deserve to loose everything ( whatever little that may seem at times) . I love my children aand I am a good mum to them and do not dictate , like my mum does with me, I do believe a parent can be fun loving and I keep them close to my heart. i fI am feeling low I try and explain me to them and I want them to do the same if they are etc...but if they dont want to then thats fine. i do not want to protest to demanding thoughts and feelingds from others.

So spent most of today crying my painful eyes out. All swoolen and realised too that I drank more than usual because I was trying to stop taking the pills. I can control my drinking a lot better on the full dose.But not so good off them. But then I get that sinus thing and I fell bluh! But strangely enough normal. I cant believe I have dropped this low again. Ive only taken 10mgs of the stuff not last night but the night before.

I cant sto pwith the crying, and I hjust want to explode. Half of my problem that gets me so wound up is that I feel like a complete disappointment to my parents...my lack of control ....the fact I had children young and without a decent income. That I had stopped studying when I did. But what grinds me to a halt is they dont know much of what I feel or how I feel Or what I think or how I think and they dont seem to care . My mum ignored me this afternoon when the tears were rolling down my face and I couldnt get a grip. I shake and now feel exhausted mind you the hangover doesnt help.

feeling really nervous. Eye really sore- want to cry but cant. Worried Dont think its normal to sleep all night on a mobile phone charm and wake with this on your face.

Depressed, still in pyjamas. how can I go to work with this monster on my face?

Annoyed with mum. Just want to cry. not going to drink for some time. had enough. canrt beleive its mid jan and I am still here. maybe I should just take that pill. dont know since I stopped I dont have that sinisitus stuff and feel a bit more in control of other tings. but feel down.

I dont believe I drink just due to gad I mean everyone has that - dont they? I dont know why I do it now. I feel sad. Just se no point. i dont know what to do. But I aint going to shout. While my kids are at my mum ms ill clean. But angry with the state they treat there stuff. But then i think I never wanted to be a strict teacher (dont seem to give a stuff type mum) i want them to do better than me- so doing a little cleaning for them - until I die - aint to much to ask, is it? anyway, eye is all itchy. panicing- what if i have somesort of tumour or something in there. Really worried-its not right. Most normal people would have woken up , but no no, not me, no carry on sleeping so the next day you not only look like a jakey you feel like one . Oh god, depressed. ish. maybe I am ntot. i just want my kids back so I cam have a cuddle. missing them so badly. Dont know what hapeened to this thread -should call it dear diary or something.Ok it doesnt matter, thankfully I didnt use my name so no one will be able to find out who I am. Anyway , must go.

In a panic. I want my children here .

Cant stop worrying, cant relax, should be enjoying the peace, cant.

Cooking lots of food-to make me feel better.

Eye painful.

Feel like such a freak.

There is a funny side to it all but hmph!!!!

Went out to shop and started to panic. Luckily my daughter was with me, She has a good sense of humour, so made me laugh it off. So glad they are home.

I dont know how I am going top cope at work. The whole thing, everything thats happened there just ,makes me feel like a reject, a failure, Everyone else seems so calm and collated or as if they have somesort of special secret. Then there me, a jibbering, nervous wreck. Honestly, get into so many tizzies and in the stream of things , there just silly , and really should be laughed at, not scorned at. I dont kknow what to do . I want to leave as non of this situation is going to help me regain any kind of confidence, Its going to make me worse. its like my daughter said,Go get your career mum-these people dont understand and she said"you deserve better" Shes only 8. She is like my walking fairy sometimes. i love her so much . Sometimes I just wonder where did all the years go? She has aleways been a smasher, but I really think she is going to be something special. She just has this "everything is easy" thing about her, and a real focus and determination that shines. Anyway, i do waffle on.

Ate tons today, feel really sick now.

Oh forgot. My eye is very black today and getting headaches cause of it. How can a mobile phone charm do this? see my alarm is on the phone, I didnt want to be late for the school run, so must have lay on it. What an id**t!!!!

I wish my panic could stop. I sat all yesterday with the panic, nerves thing and kept having to go to the lou. But there is no reason to feel this way.

The thing about it is you can make it go for you instead of against you .You can , you can you can. just wish I knew what to do with my life,Really wish someone would just say do this..........

Okay, well , I saw your poat and its been some time since ive written on this post, so I am a bit lost . Still on those pills and feeling sort of normal, though partner said something to me this morning ( well I did do a silly mistake on the computer........he started to shout at me fing and blinding he was. I told him to go away, I stated to shake and then cry I cried until I could no longer cry.Then he carried on moaning on about what there is to eat. Ive not got an appetite at the moment and he moans on about food aI am crying He then eventually apologised but made me apologise first. Then I cry cause I am feeling a bit belittled and really didnt think there was any need for hhim to react like that he knows I am very sensitive and he knows what has been going on at home and everything, Though I do think there is a basic sociothaic mentality in his family. I mean who knows people for 11 years and moere and get close to them and dont speak about it ( not ever) Each to their own) On top of that his weirdo brother has gone and got some lassie preggers and he is nearly 50 and people condemn teenagers and I have to be an auntie to some strangers child and its all weird , I am about to propbably get the sack from my work. Oh my sinuses are hellish and just tried Olbas ( doesnt bloody work and a complete waist of money ) and then Its my partners birthday and some ...oh gosh better go..........Sinuses are really uncomfy. Hmm, yeah on the subject of help Ive had tons of help and I dont seem to get any better , but then again Ive had a few wee setbacks, so maybe thats just to be expected, and sorry if drink is what I occasionally need to help me by then I will drink I am after all and adult and if thats my only vice in lifethen I think I deserve a wee snaffter ne fore bed. Okay m,must go