OMG guys I need to vent because telling my friends this will only make them hate my fiance at this point and they probably will call him and threaten him by saying "If you don't f*****g satisfy my mate i'm going to find someone else for her!" LOL.
So, I've (32F) been with my Fiance (34M) for 9 years (A long time) and at the beginning of our relationship, it was perfect! (as most relationships in the honeymoon phase). He takes care of me, states he loves me, we go on adventures together, he supports me, etc. Overall my best friend and a lover in one.... as it should be.
He would go down on me without me having to ask and it would get me going every time. Foreplay was not an issue either and we did it often. I like to describe myself as a freaky girl who is willing to try new things ( apart from anything to do with bodily waste - no thanks). My Fiance loved that I was adventurous like him.... except for some of the things I requested he's hesitant to do (BDSM - he said it's dangerous... well it's not unless you take it too far, which I did explain to him but he was still confused for some reason). But it was fine, I thought let me wean him in... VERY slowly. Still nothing...
Anyways, fast forward now, one day, I was at his house and his friends were there. We were chatting and the conversation turned into sex (which I didn't mind as I was already comfortable with them and knew them for around 5-6 years). They explained that they wanted a girl who's freaky as they are freaky also. But they WILL NOT perform oral sex on them as they do not like female fluids in their mouths... which to me was immature but each to their own! My reply was "Well, I don't believe you are a freak as freaky men are usually willing to do ANYTHING to satisfy their lady and even experiment and try new things, you guys don't". This led to them asking me "Does (fiance) give you head?" I was hesitant to answer as it's private and I wanted to respect my partner's privacy so I left it for him to answer if he felt comfortable to. Unfortunately, he didn't answer the question, almost as though he was embarrassed. However, his friend started making fun of him and then stating "Ohhh you eat the fanny (p***y)!!.... you eat fanny! awww! you eat the fanny" in a very belittling tone like children! (they are in their 30's btw). I wanted to add that his friends can't hold a relationship due to selfishness and they were single at this point.
Sadly after that, it took a turn for the worse...
Not only my Fiance will not give me oral sex without a proper explanation but he's been slacking off in sex in general:
He doesn't do foreplay anymore. Just put his hands on my intimate area, squeeze, and sucks on my breast a little too hard - sometimes with his teeth! and the slightest moisture in my intimate area he just sticks it in! I tell him that hurts and he just tells me to "be quiet"! I told him to get off and he stated he was joking but it was actually hurting me, making me dry in the process.
He doesn't give me oral sex anymore stating that he's not into it when before it was Bon Appetit without any question or asking! Can you believe I gave him head and that went on for about 45 mins and he had the nerve to tell me "That was intense" Well good for f*****g you!
Now he only lasts about 5 minutes and rolls over to go to sleep.
I just don't understand what went wrong...
...I just don't know and it's really affecting me. the last time he gave me head was 3-4 YEARS ago. I gave him head a week and a half ago because I WANTED TO (had this weird craving to give him head).
It seems like he's gotten selfish and I told him I will no longer be giving him head as its principle and we don't practice selfishness here. But if he keeps this sh*t up I'm gonna have to tell him no sex until he regains the willingness like I do to satisfy your future spouse! We got plenty more years to go, I'm not going into this marriage one-sided!
Sadly this is not the first time talking about this. Just brought it up again to him today and mid-conversation, he fell asleep! he has never done that before.
What shall I do guys???
Hi, Fluffy.
Your situation is understandably frustrating. Sexuality is an integral part of a healthy relationship, and when there's a disconnect or unmet needs, it can lead to significant stress and emotional turmoil. Here's some guidance:
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Communication: While it sounds like you've tried to discuss this issue multiple times, it's essential to approach the conversation outside the bedroom in a non-confrontational manner. Let him know how important intimacy is to you and ask him if something has changed from his side.
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Counseling: It might be beneficial to seek couples counseling or sex therapy to address this issue. A trained therapist can provide tools and strategies to help you both reconnect and address underlying concerns.
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External Factors: There might be external factors affecting your fiance's libido or his approach to intimacy. It could be stress, health issues, or a combination of multiple things. Encourage him to speak with a doctor or therapist about these potential issues.
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Peer Pressure: The belittling episode with his friends might have affected him more than you realize. Peer pressure and the fear of judgment can play a significant role in someone's self-esteem and sexual confidence. It's worth addressing how that episode might have affected him.
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Selfish Behavior: While it's essential to address underlying issues, it's equally crucial to set boundaries. If he's acting selfishly or causing you physical pain, it's okay to assert your needs and set limits.
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Consider Delaying Marriage Plans: It might be worth considering if you should delay any marriage plans until you've both resolved this issue. It's essential for both partners to be on the same page and have a solid foundation before committing to a lifetime together.
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Individual Counseling: You might benefit from individual counseling to process your feelings and emotions surrounding this issue. A therapist can provide guidance on navigating relationship challenges and help you determine your next steps.
Relationships are complicated and require effort from both parties. It's crucial to prioritize your well-being and ensure that both partners' needs are being met. Whatever you decide, prioritize open communication, and consider seeking professional guidance.
Hello Levar
Thank you so much for your response!
One thing about me is that I am an excellent communicator, an active listener, and good at having empathy for people, making me very relatable/understanding. So in regards to your suggestions:
Communication: I have tried this. But sadly, he only gives me empty statements with no solutions or suggestions. eg "we already had this discussion", "well, I gave you my answer already" (which is "yeah"... "ok"... "mmm") immediately being defensive when I was being non-confrontational, and he knows this. I have gone as far as telling him how important it is to me, giving him examples as though he were in my shoes, so he can relate. Weirdly enough, 80% of the time he understands if I say it that way, and he agrees that he wouldn't like it if I did the same to him. YET, my needs STILL have not been met.
Counseling: This saddens me because I suggested this several times and he believes we don't need one. OR if we do need one, I have to pay!? Which to me is "arsehole behaviour" considering it's for the both of us. I have stated that this can also help us become closer, have a deeper connection, solve any underlining issues, and give us extra skills for after we become married.
External Factors: This man goes to the gym often. He's a very healthy, fit man with a good diet. His libido has not changed, but his approach to intimacy has. He doesn't do the things that would usually "warm me up" and states that I take too long when I have already communicated what I need to get me going. He loves his job (even if it's a bad day, he has time to be a pervert and suggest naughty time), and has no health issues. In fact, 90% of the time, he initiates sex. I usually don't because I know I'm going to be left to fend for myself once he's done.
I do believe he may be holding resentment towards me for choosing not to have a child before marriage, and we have had very bad arguments leading to a breakup for about 2 weeks a few years ago.
Peer Pressure: I truly believe this is the main issue, as everything was fine before this situation occurred. He feels as though this is not the case; however, he hasn't given me a proper reason. It's too much of a coincidence that he stopped everything that I loved after that event. I even defended him as they were belittling him and told them "And this is why you guys can't hold a relationship longer than a few months, then you want to come to me for advice!?". But I don't know what has been said since I left. Which I believe was the kicker.
Selfish Behavior: He doesn't believe he's being selfish. Yet, I asked him "was there a moment or a time where I did something that was uncomfortable for you or made you feel as though I had neglected your needs during sex?". He says no every time. I pay attention and listen. Hence, he's always satisfied. Then my response is "Ok, Thats good and im happy. Obviously, if anything changes, let me know. So... why don't I get the same willingless back????" He always says "I don't know," again with no solutions or suggestions.
Consider Delaying Marriage Plans: He's not worried about whether we get married or not. He knows I wanted marriage more due to tradition. Instead. I stated to him that I will withhold sex/oral sex if my needs were not met.
Individual Counseling: Surprisingly, He did individual counseling a good while ago. But it still has not motivated him to resolve this issue. At this current time (cost of living), it is costly to do a therapy session for just me and then couples counseling. Which is why it would of been better to do couples/marriage counselling instead to make it worthwhile and kill two birds with one stone.
This is very frustrating, as I feel like I'm the only one trying to resolve this while he's just simply "satisfied" and sees no problems... It's unbelievable. I'm just left with "maybe's" and "i dont know's" or some form of uncertainty when I do generally believe he does know but does not want to tell me. (sorry for the long reply)
Hello, again.
Hm, it's evident that you've tried multiple avenues to address this issue and that it is deeply affecting your relationship with your fiance. From what you've shared, you've been diligent in communicating, setting boundaries, and seeking resolutions. Here are some additional thoughts and suggestions:
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Prioritize Your Well-being: Ensure that you prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Sexual intimacy is essential, and if you're feeling unheard or unfulfilled, it can affect other areas of your life as well.
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Redefining Boundaries: While withholding intimacy as a "punishment" can seem like a solution, it may not necessarily address the core issue. Instead, it might create more tension. It may be beneficial to set boundaries based on your well-being and comfort rather than as a reaction.
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External Influences: The belittling incident with his friends may indeed have affected him more deeply than he is willing to admit. Even if he's not conscious of it, the embarrassment and peer pressure could be influencing his behavior. This is something a professional counselor or therapist would be best suited to help explore.
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Seek a Mediator: Since communication seems to be breaking down and he's resistant to therapy, consider seeking a mediator. This can be a trusted friend or family member who can listen and provide feedback without taking sides.
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Consider Your Future: Marriage is a significant commitment. If you have these concerns now and they remain unresolved, consider how they might evolve or intensify after marriage. It may be worth delaying marriage plans until you both feel secure and understood in the relationship.
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The Importance of Individual Growth: While couples counseling can be beneficial, personal therapy can also be impactful. It might help him understand his feelings and behaviors better, even if the sessions are separate from yours.
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Expressing Consequences: Instead of focusing on what you might withhold, express the emotional and relational consequences of his behavior. Let him know that it's not just about the act, but about feeling loved, valued, and understood.
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Reflect on the Relationship: Take a step back and assess the relationship holistically. Are there other areas where you feel unfulfilled or unheard? While the current issue is significant, it might be a symptom of deeper, more systemic problems.
Lastly, while I've provided several suggestions and perspectives, remember to trust your instincts and feelings. You deserve a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and fulfilled. Whatever decisions you make, put your well-being and happiness on the first place.