I really annoy me. I hat ethis. i really hate this. I know when I was a teenager and I used to throw my food out in my bucket. lock myself in my room, not speak to my mum ( at that point I guess i felt reeally hurt by her) IfI ever tried to have an argument shed win -good and proper. Actually , I could never fight with my poor mum...Once we had an argument I ende up hyperventilating and trying to pack my bags to get to my dads. I had then a total love/hate relationship with her. Non ntented but its the truth. I hated her conrol, we were never allowed o eat after certain times,,( as wed get fat) and we were not allowed to do this and that, and we should try harder all the time. I delberately went out my way to pretend to try at school, ..failed many exams...but I really struggled with English..I dont know why. the teacher I had graded me the lowest of the lows. it ate me apart. i loved the subject I failed my Standard grade....yeah got a grade 4...mum yelled her head of at me. I remeber her being so disappointed. She then argued with the school, told them I was better and this was wrong and that that teacher should be struck off.
In away, looking back on it all , I believed I was c**p at english..I believed I could neither read nor write. i found it gutting. I felt like such a litt"let me down: yet all my friends and family knew I was a "pfff "bright " cookie..I hate that word. Bright...Its bright outside but its raining. ......
Anyway, at that point I secretly made moves to live with dad and his at that point maniac girlfriend. boy me and her well we fought . I remebr confidence shatterred aunt died, mum ill from nasty car crash sister suffering to look after her, and while I was doing my highers 9 which seemed so incredibly easy compared to standar grades) this woman and I would argue cat and dog. She was what I would call a n individula suffering from schizo effective disorder, somesort of neurosis going on there too A pure b***h. I asked my mum to drop my school clothes off once and this woman kicked of, got really violent with me..I cried and dad , well he was between a rock and a hard place It was hell.
This woman was also renowned for parading the streets of the village I was from in her over coat and underpants..just to piss my dad off, yet she wanted to marry him - weird if you ask me. Also on occassions that she was left babysitting me shed take me round to her so called mated and carry on sleeping with them The number of times I just sat waiting for it too finisdh so I could go home and see my dad, then the guilt , the fact I was keeping all this from him ate me up.
The relief I felt was amazing whne he told me he had et someone else ( now my step mum) whoi think is an absolutely lovely person was great.
Anyway, this is the thing, how can I cut the people off that iget on the most iwth just because they drink and I drank...I cant do that...all I can do is this...listen and be there for them Its going to be a very hard journey but Ive been through worse, I have I can do this for my children. Ill never say Ill be able to do it for myself because the truth is Id live to get relly sh*t faced.....all the time..I am more confident on wine than anything. I can laugh. love life, yet the complication is its kiling me and its not really the way I want to be.
I git side tracked ther though, ..I dont get what s going on in my head. i really dont . I realise as well that ive been totally paranoid for the last year and a bit. I felt like I was being watched..all the time....The crazy thing too is thI dont think eople believe my desperation. I was just thinking how mw people think I am crying wolf, well I guess in a way I am In away I am not feeling like I amgoing to die ..( which is normally what would drive me to see a doctor) but its more..its as though there is force preventing me from doing what I want to do , and I do not know what I want to do.
Anyway, i passed my highers well compared to many folks and considering the circumstance, bt whats worse is alcohol helped me thoruhg ( shhh) pls dont telll my mum..i found alcohol as a huge relief I could concentrate focus, I ened up with ok grades , not as good as I could have done but you know I wasnt exactly living up to my standards. reagrdless of everything, I think that wsnt bad.
The reason I am here,is that I ws htinking bout it all and thinkine when did it all go so pear shaped. Well my guess, I know..I dont though..the only time Ive ever been a sober head has been for my children I cant do it for myself.
I actually wish I had cancer ( ill get that anyway If i dont get anything else in between it willl be a pure miracle) . i fell really bad for discing my partner on my facebook account too. Ive just lowered my levels there a little....half of me thinks no,,dont be so sillly he deserves it..the other half of me thinks hes just not well but cant see it.....Deep down Id be lost without him. Hes all I know next to the rest.
as i was always told, Ive been a really silly billy , Ive not staarted my benzos. read the side effects and got totally freaked,,,,,,,then , then the rest ..Can I actually turn this around? Do I really wnat to change? I mean all I know is I et through a day and drink in the evening..that s my way of enjoying life. But I do want to stop the cycleI have to Ove promised myself I will start tomorrow..I dont want anymore hallucinations or stupid feelings of I need a drink. I want o be leel headed again. So i will start tomorrow but so scared ...and my main question is this.....will I beable to function on these pills at work?If it plays havoc with my memory I dont know what I will do, this is the thing I had been taking citalopram before and yes, my memmory is no good. Ive been trained and trained agaioin on very simple tasks, I had kept it quiet, but then in the end as I was asked so many times "had I been drinking?"....No...I ws taking citalopram The more it ws quizzed, the more I thought myself a complete freak so returned to abusing my wine. it just made me more lonely.......Ok....this is what I am going to do start tomorrow..if its really bad and I cant function phone n sick..god other people woud not think twice about it..Just i hate putting people out, and I like the peopl I work bedise. Me + terrified. Ive also heard that you cant wear deodarants on this stuff 9 it s calledchlordiazepoxide..is this true?
In away, looking back on it all , I believed I was c**p at english..I believed I could neither read nor write. i found it gutting. I felt like such a litt"let me down: yet all my friends and family knew I was a "pfff "bright " cookie..I hate that word. Bright...Its bright outside but its raining. ......
Anyway, at that point I secretly made moves to live with dad and his at that point maniac girlfriend. boy me and her well we fought . I remebr confidence shatterred aunt died, mum ill from nasty car crash sister suffering to look after her, and while I was doing my highers 9 which seemed so incredibly easy compared to standar grades) this woman and I would argue cat and dog. She was what I would call a n individula suffering from schizo effective disorder, somesort of neurosis going on there too A pure b***h. I asked my mum to drop my school clothes off once and this woman kicked of, got really violent with me..I cried and dad , well he was between a rock and a hard place It was hell.
This woman was also renowned for parading the streets of the village I was from in her over coat and underpants..just to piss my dad off, yet she wanted to marry him - weird if you ask me. Also on occassions that she was left babysitting me shed take me round to her so called mated and carry on sleeping with them The number of times I just sat waiting for it too finisdh so I could go home and see my dad, then the guilt , the fact I was keeping all this from him ate me up.
The relief I felt was amazing whne he told me he had et someone else ( now my step mum) whoi think is an absolutely lovely person was great.
Anyway, this is the thing, how can I cut the people off that iget on the most iwth just because they drink and I drank...I cant do that...all I can do is this...listen and be there for them Its going to be a very hard journey but Ive been through worse, I have I can do this for my children. Ill never say Ill be able to do it for myself because the truth is Id live to get relly sh*t faced.....all the time..I am more confident on wine than anything. I can laugh. love life, yet the complication is its kiling me and its not really the way I want to be.
I git side tracked ther though, ..I dont get what s going on in my head. i really dont . I realise as well that ive been totally paranoid for the last year and a bit. I felt like I was being watched..all the time....The crazy thing too is thI dont think eople believe my desperation. I was just thinking how mw people think I am crying wolf, well I guess in a way I am In away I am not feeling like I amgoing to die ..( which is normally what would drive me to see a doctor) but its more..its as though there is force preventing me from doing what I want to do , and I do not know what I want to do.
Anyway, i passed my highers well compared to many folks and considering the circumstance, bt whats worse is alcohol helped me thoruhg ( shhh) pls dont telll my mum..i found alcohol as a huge relief I could concentrate focus, I ened up with ok grades , not as good as I could have done but you know I wasnt exactly living up to my standards. reagrdless of everything, I think that wsnt bad.
The reason I am here,is that I ws htinking bout it all and thinkine when did it all go so pear shaped. Well my guess, I know..I dont though..the only time Ive ever been a sober head has been for my children I cant do it for myself.
I actually wish I had cancer ( ill get that anyway If i dont get anything else in between it willl be a pure miracle) . i fell really bad for discing my partner on my facebook account too. Ive just lowered my levels there a little....half of me thinks no,,dont be so sillly he deserves it..the other half of me thinks hes just not well but cant see it.....Deep down Id be lost without him. Hes all I know next to the rest.
as i was always told, Ive been a really silly billy , Ive not staarted my benzos. read the side effects and got totally freaked,,,,,,,then , then the rest ..Can I actually turn this around? Do I really wnat to change? I mean all I know is I et through a day and drink in the evening..that s my way of enjoying life. But I do want to stop the cycleI have to Ove promised myself I will start tomorrow..I dont want anymore hallucinations or stupid feelings of I need a drink. I want o be leel headed again. So i will start tomorrow but so scared ...and my main question is this.....will I beable to function on these pills at work?If it plays havoc with my memory I dont know what I will do, this is the thing I had been taking citalopram before and yes, my memmory is no good. Ive been trained and trained agaioin on very simple tasks, I had kept it quiet, but then in the end as I was asked so many times "had I been drinking?"....No...I ws taking citalopram The more it ws quizzed, the more I thought myself a complete freak so returned to abusing my wine. it just made me more lonely.......Ok....this is what I am going to do start tomorrow..if its really bad and I cant function phone n sick..god other people woud not think twice about it..Just i hate putting people out, and I like the peopl I work bedise. Me + terrified. Ive also heard that you cant wear deodarants on this stuff 9 it s calledchlordiazepoxide..is this true?
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Okay, started this stuff...but I am scaredits gon to cause wieght gain..Allso , will it increase my chane of getting cancer, ( I have a high chance of that anyway) and Ive been the most snappiest and teraful and just a cow than ever. I managed a bije run and my knees tensed up on me..and switching from being ok.( must admit Ive not laughed , just snapped at the kids..."Cant you see Im bust"( really bad) But then again partner is being fowl. I asked him that really the kids are playing us up and its nmo good for them I asked hi m to leave" he says if thats what you wnat , you pack" He has no parental rights as we are not married Regardles of whether ive drunk some I am thinking ...the more he treats me like this the more I cant cope and hurt like hell and want a drink ..I diont thin this is going to work. I am determined to fight it, but just so hurt at the moment.Does this stuff..its calle chlodiazepoxide take a while to wrork, so far I just feel frumpier and more teearful than ever. Is amtrptyline the same stuff...anti psychotic or something? If it is then I know it might work as my mum takes that, but god
I cant make the decision of going down the root of going to my solicitor and getting him to write that letter, or just handing my application form for housing in. the idea of having to start again upsets me , and we were getting a new kitchen next month. It all seeems so unfair but tht slife and I made my bed so I guess I have to lie in it.
I cant make the decision of going down the root of going to my solicitor and getting him to write that letter, or just handing my application form for housing in. the idea of having to start again upsets me , and we were getting a new kitchen next month. It all seeems so unfair but tht slife and I made my bed so I guess I have to lie in it.
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