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My whole life I have always been kind of slim but now i have gained so much weight it ridiculous. I can't even look in the mirror anymore with out getting disgusted with myself. I have always struggle with my weight everyone in my family is small when I say everyone I mean everyone. My mom is really petite she use to model my brothers also not to mention my cousins as well. Anyway when I was in middle school I weighed around 100 pounds by the time I reach high school I had gained at least 35 pounds and my entire family reminded me constantly of the weight gain. My grandaddy use to make jokes that I was big as a whale my siblings and cousins reminded me that i was one of the fattest member of our family besides two other members. Because they kept teasing I started a strict diet. I would put 4 to 6 sweat shirts and sweat pants turn the heater on (it would already be at least 80 degree outside) .Also i would put garbage bags over me and work out until I felt like I was about to literally die. I would drink nothing but water or green tea only thing I would was rice,yogurt and bread. I also would walk 3 miles twice a day needless to say I lost the weight. But I still felt as if I was overweight my parents didn't know what I was going through but my mom did notice I lost the weight to quickly (1 month). My mom always told me she like how I look with weight and that Im beautiful no matter what. I know the way I lost the weight was bad for my health and Im lucky to be alive. Anyway my mom kept encouraging me to gain some weight saying that for my height I can have a little pounds. Im 5'3 by the way but any way i took my mom advice and I got up to 125 pounds and I was actually starting to like my weight. I would still have moments where I felt as though I was still to big but eventually I got over feeling as such. Fast forward to today I weigh 142 pounds and it is killing me I am on the verge of going back Pro Ana. I have recently started taking laxatives to loose my weight quickly and YES I know the damage that can cause to my body. Also I know people will be like just go to the gym well I do as matter of fact my bf and my best friend are both personal trainer so going to gym and working out isn't my problem. I don't know why I feel the need to cut corners and loose weight I just don't know. The crazy thing is that my family who were once so critical of my weight say I look good and they cant even tell I have put on 20 pounds. Also I still can fit a size 3 which is even more weird but every time I look in the mirror I get sick. I really don't want to put my body through stress of losing weight so harmfully but I can't stand being so obese. My birthday is three weeks away and my family and I are going to the beach and there is no way I can wear bikini next to all these skinny little twigs. I have to get my body back asap I refuse to be the pretty fat girl. I am trying my hardest not to go pro ana but it killing me to be so fat my stomach has never been so hug he I can barely see my vaginal.

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im pro ana too!  

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Make sure that you don't lose to much weight as you and i both know anorexia nervosa can take control again from you when you get to a lower weight it will control you instead of you control it i now weigh 96.8. 36.8 away from my ugw of 60 pounds which means the ana has already taken over me about 5 months ago when i was 117.2 pounds.

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Sincerely
Christina Marrie Madden

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