I'm probably about to bore you with my life story, but if there's anyone who knows what im talking about and can understand, i'd really appreciate it. It's alot easier for me to express it through writing rather than speaking to someone, even the people closest to me. And i know i'd just be told im stupid or crazy. Here's my best option.
My whole life i have felt disconnected with my surroundings. Never felt like I'm going to accomplish anything or like there was a purpose to living- even since i was very young. My head is constantly fantasy. Nothing is real to me. I love to sleep because its the only place i can be happy. It's a constant battle every morning to wake up and live in the real world. I've contemplated and tried suicide before- first starting when I was around 7 years old, but could never go through with it or forgive myself for the pain I would inflict on others. I get dejavu frequently as well as "bad feelings" that make me feel sick in my stomach and very emotional (9/10 after my "bad feelings" appear something bad happens and its become so ridiculous to class it as coincidental because as soon as the bad thing happens- even if i dont know its happened until later- its disappears at the time the bad thing happens). Throughout the last year i've been dealing with overwhelming feelings that come out of no where. Such as drastic mood changes and isolation. I can go from cuddling my boyfriend to holding back tears and not wanting to be touched at all and then very aggravated when asked whats wrong. I'm constantly stressed and used to be a very emotional person until recently. Now, I have no emotion. It's like I don't feel anything. I dont care. I have no passion. I used to love painting, drawing, music ect but now i try and i cant find the enthusiasm. I NEVER finish anything i start. I hate living and dealing with things. All i want is to permanently sleep. Not die, just sleep. For a solid 6 months all I would dream about everynight was being a mother. To have something that draws me here and gives me a purpose. Something I can dedicate myself to. Ive looked into depression, anxiety and other disorders but nothing seems to describe quite how I feel. I dont know if anyone has read "The Host" but its the best way to describe how I feel- like I'm living inside a body just going through the changes, not really being anyone just sort of existing.