Pregnant and lost. I need a SUPPORTIVE and UNDERSTANDING forum.

I am 24 years old and just moved back in with my family due to personal problems.
I receive SSI disability and my money is very limited.
Also, I am veeeerry small. People always think I am 14/15...or anorexic.
I weigh 89 pounds and am just abnormally tiny for my age.
I eat, I just cannot gain weight.
I also have rheumatoid arthritis, which leaves me very weak and limited in life.

I have been taking birth control for years.
Somehow, I managed to end up pregnant though.
I was told by my doctor that it could very well be because of the anti-depressants, antacids, and antibiotics I have been on.
Finding out I was pregnant was scary, but I had decided abortion would be my best option.
Upon trying to find funds to get my abortion, I went through classic miscarriage symptoms: sudden COMPLETE loss of symptoms (I had typical nausea, irritability, general not feeling well, appetite loss, sore breasts, headaches, I was even unable to shower without gagging/throwing up)...cramping and horrible lower back pains, but not much bleeding. I bled a day, which was a very dark brown/reddish color.
I waited a week and a half and took an at-home pregnancy test which came out negative.
So, I assumed I had miscarried and continued on my life.

The past couple of weeks, I have been feeling noticeably bloated and crampy.
My belly has been slightly swollen, but I chalked it up to my not so normal bathroom habits.
I went to the doctor who told me I was STILL pregnant; from the way my uterus felt...I could be anywhere between 12-18 weeks.
I immediately felt horrible, guilt, stupid, lost.
She told me I had no choice but to have the baby...whether that was because she is anti-abortion or an actual fact?
I don't know.
Leaving the doctor, I immediately broke down and told my boyfriend (the father of the baby.)
He is also staying with me at my mother's house and hasn't been able to find a job.
He believes abortion is our best option.
I agree...to an extent.

I have always been against abortion, I always thought it was just careless, irresponsible people who get pregnant and abort.
I never CHOSE for this to happen to me.
I didn't even think I was ABLE to get pregnant, especially since I am so severely underweight and diagnosed as "clinically malnourished." My BMI is very low, and I need to gain at least 18 pounds to be considered in the "normal" weight range for my heigh (5'3) and age.
On top of that, I do have severe rheumatoid arthritis which has left my hands crippled and doing simple tasks, such as blow drying my hair, very difficult.
I receive SSI which was just lowered, and I don't really have the option to go out and get a real job...even though I WISH I had that choice and struggle.
I am basically skin and bone, and I have had problems with my kidneys in the past.
I am not healthy...and I am an emotional wreck and have anxiety problems stemming from a life of conflict, struggle and hurt.
I know, pity me. I hate it.
I wish I were stronger and more resilient.
But I'm not.

I'm scared that I haven't enough strength in me to decide.
I haven't taken ANY steps to make this pregnancy healthy...which I know eating properly, exercising, not being around tobacco, folic acid, prenatal vitamins, regular check-ups...it all really is needed.
I've done none of that.
I don't feel I could have a healthy child even if I DID do all of the necessary steps.
I don't feel my body can handle a pregnancy.
I already feel constant pain and discomfort. Back aches, my ribs hurt, I get sharp pains constantly, my stomach feels like it will explode.
And I am barely even showing...my bones are fragile and will break at the drop of a hat.
I'm petrified.

I feel guilt that I don't feel the "love, excitement" that most mothers feel.
I know people automatically love their pregnant bellies and love the embryo.
I don't.
I am scared of it.
I find myself looking at it and finding that it's absolutely bizarre, daunting, intimidating.
I feel a LITTLE fleck of awe, and I try to make myself kick into that happiness.
But it's hard...especially when the baby's father doesn't show a drop of emotion to it.
He is hell bent on abortion.
We've discussed it, and we both are not financially, emotionally, or mentally ready to parent a child.
Especially if it is damaged from lack of proper care...or just because things happen.
I can't very well tell my mom, as most people would suggest.
We have a very "difficult" and trying relationship, I don't confide or have a close relationship with her.
We tolerate each other because we're family, but we don't mesh well.
She is also highly anti-abortion and a super Republican/Southern Baptist.
I wish I could talk to her and confide in her and she would understand...but I know it won't happen.
I'm highly influenced by others and incredibly indecisive, and my boyfriend doesn't want me telling everyone about this because he believes it is ultimately OUR decision and doesn't want me to cave in and obey my mother.
He believes an abortion is the best option for us, but he has promised that he will be here for me no matter what I decide.
But him being there doesn't make the choice any easier for me.

I don't need people criticizing abortion or forcing their opinions on how selfish and ignorant abortions are.
I need some POSITIVE information and input.
I want to feel like abortion is NOT the end of the world in a case that has many more cons than it does pros.
I want reassurance that SOMEONE understands MY unique situation and distress it is causing me every minute of the day.
I'm not a teenager who had casual sex and doesn't want to lose my freedom to go to a party.
I'm a young adult who is physically handicapped, unable to provide for myself...let alone a child.
A young adult who feels trapped and lost, ashamed and embarrassed.
I am horrified and scared of the abortion procedure and costs.
I'm terrified of the effects it will have on me.
But I can't have a healthy baby at this point, and I don't feel I was given a fair chance.

I hate my situation.
I hope there are some people who truly, truly understand what I'm going through.
Someone who has some words of wisdom and KINDNESS.