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Please help me im desperate, 

My partner and I have been together for 10 years we have lived together for almost 5 years and I desperately want a baby. 
He has always said he did but not for a few years we are now 10 years down the line and we are not married not engaged and still not having children its getting to the point now were it hurts so much, he still says he wants children but he is not ready.
I have had a lot of gynaecological issues and mum went through the change at 42 my fear is I will wait for him and then wont be able to is he just scared of commitment should I leave I feel so desperate I dont know what to do anymore its tearing me apart.:'(

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Hi Lou,

I think you've been more than patient.  It may come down to you giving him an ultimatum.  The problem with that is that if he agrees, he may resent it due to the pressure.

It's definitely time to sit down and talk, heart to heart, about your future together.  There is more than just not having kids behind this I think.  You don't see any commitment. 

Can you see a counselor or someone else?  It may work better if you both go together.

Hope it helps.
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You can invite him for a walk or somewhere neutral and bring out the topic. Ask him about this and to be honest with you. Tell him what you want and what you are expecting from this relationship. I agree that it is better to seek professional help, maybe you can go together. If you re not happy now, maybe looking for your happiness somewhere else is the best option.
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give him an ultimatum.  you've waited too long! plus, whats he waiting for anyways?  both of you are not getting any younger and you've been together for so long. u guys should of had a baby 5 years ago :P    i hope it works out between u too. 

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 I'm a man who is currently in the shoes of your husband- my wife (married a year, but we've been together 7) is currently "having a break" from me as of last week, one of the reasons of which is because she has recently become a lot more broody on the baby subject, except I'm still not happy with the idea just yet. I'm nearly 26 and she's only 22 and I just think it's too early for us yet regardless of how long we've been together. I'm looking forward to the idea of having a baby in the future and I definately want her to be the mum (love her so much), but she can't seem to see why I'm not so keen right now.

"Maybe you should just leave" and "give him an ultimatum" are irrational, thoughtless things to do that may frighten him away or pressure him into something he doesn't want yet! If you love him you should respect his opinion and talk to him about it. Try not to throw it on him as he steps into the room, but see if you can get around to it in conversation (like getting him talking after watching something to do with having babies on TV). Find out exactly why he isn't ready yet. If the reasons are financial or circumstantial then get working on those (along as they aren't impossible)- try him again once you have fixed one or more of his reasons for saying no.

As a man I feel very protective of those I love, and I don't want to bring my future child into the situation we are in at the moment in terms of living and money. However, I'm intending to work on these things in the next year as a positive attitude towards working things out with my wife and to show her that I care enough about her to improve myself and our situation (honestly I should have pulled my finger out a long time ago). Anyway, who knows how I'll feel in a year's time if everything goes well (rather then in the next few years which is what I currently think)! I've personally warmed alot to the idea of having a kid (I wouldn't even conceive of the idea a few years ago), and your hubby might not be as against it as you assume.

What has he said already? What are your ages?

Because that effects a lot. I personally think either partner being under the age of 25 is a bit too young, but then my wife doesn't seem to agree! Living out your lives a bit should be what you do until you are 25 and above in my opinion, as a baby isn't just a pretty doll to push around- it's serious stuff that should not be taken lightly and both partners should be 100% agreed on the idea in a perfect world! They take up all your time and will do for quite a while so it's best to make sure you've done everything you want to do for a while first!

What are his other views on relationship steps? Marriage is a lot less common then it used to be, and just because he hasn't "popped the question" yet doesn't mean he doesn't still totally love you! I took my wife by surprise because I told her I'd propose to her if she was still with me on her 21st Birthday and I kept my word! I'm sure it felt to her like I'd never propose!

Some guys also take a long time to turn things over and think about them too (I'm one of these), and therefore something as big as having a baby maybe a daunting and frightening idea to your man- he might be more responsive if he hears that you have considered the not so fun things about having a baby too, but that you are still sure you are ready when he is, and you'd like it to be soon (I'd honestly feel better it my wife didn't seem so panicky about the situation and expressed that she understood how much it will effect our lives instead, because going into emotional fits about it just makes me worried she's definately no more ready then I am and can't see it).

And I just realised how much I yapped on!

Please talk to him as sensibly and honestly as you can- try to find out his exact reasons for not wanting one yet, don't settle for "I just don't"! I'd like to hear what he says if you don't mind. Could you tell me what it is about you that is making you want a baby so badly? I know our situation might not be the same age-wise but I wish to understand my wife's point of view better and talking to someone in her situation might be helpful.

Thanks for reading,

Good Luck!

Brad :- D

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narlgoth

I couldn't agree with you more.

I love the male perspective, I wouldn't have said anything differently

21yr female, getting married in 2 mos to 23yr male, we've been together 6.5years, grown up together! We'd like to go on our honeymoon, and get our finances in order before baby time. And we both can't wait to share in that experience together! Until then, we are able to talk about kids and babies arriving one day.

Lou

I really hope the two of you can discuss this issue and work through it together. An important part of being in a relationship is discussing/planning/implementing your future.

And after 10 years I hope he's proved he is commited .. >"is he just scared of commitment should I leave"
A ring on your finger is merely the next step, but cannot be pressured or forced into. Enjoy that time when it comes... it really wouldn't be pleasurable if it was by ultimatum.


There just may be some other things on his mind to be dealt with or figured out first. See how he feels and hopefully it works itself out what is best for both of you. :)

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Hi Brad 

Sorry it took a while to reply to answer your first question I a 28 years old and my partner is 32. I have also asked him why he feels he is not ready and he answers with things like " Its life changing, he is scared, what if we split up, he wants to be a family not just a dad, what if he is a bad dad.
I have tried to talk to him about this and tell him that i share his fears but to me these reasons will never not be true, He seems to think he will wake up one day and this wont be the case. he doesn't believe me when I tell him he wont  this is why I am so worried because if these are the reasons they will always be true.
 
In answer to your question about how your wife may be feeling im afraid its hard to explain it feels like a longing, a need, something that controls most of your thoughts and feelings I have dreams about being pregnant and have woke up and cried when i realised it wasnt real,  it hurts, I feel emotional all the time and then guilty that my partner says he can see the pain in my face and it hurts him.
When other people around you are pregnant you are happy for them but it is a reminder that you are not and you get upset then you fell guilty for this.
I feel i have just rambled but that is the only way I can describe it a longing feeling that wont go away and it hurts.

Please try and see things from her point of view she needs you right now for support even if you are not ready.

I hope this helps 

Louise xx
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His saying he does want children one day is irrelevant because you want a children now. You and him don't have the same TIMELINE for one of the most important goal in someone's life, and that is a dealbreaker type of issue. So...You need to ask yourself:

'' Could I live my whole life without ever having children and be happy?'' This is a likely situation if you stay with this man, who aside from his saying he wants kids, hasn't given you any reason to believe he has a goal of building a family (no engagement, no wedding, no concrete steps toward becoming a dad). Action speak louder than words, and his action tells you he is not very serious about making a permanent commitment to you. Maybe you need to ask yourself why you act like you don't deserve to get what you need (commitment, family, etc.). Maybe you struggle with some low self-esteem?

If the answer to the question is a clear no, then you most probably need to tell your man that you have to let him go because this relationship doesn't meet your needs anymore.

I wouldn't go the ultimatum route (make me a child now or I leave), because pressuring a man through fatherhood is the worst thing you could do for him, yourself, and most of all for the child.

Another question that may help is: '' Could I live my life without him and be happy? Without him meaning either as a single mom or with another man and kids.

I hope this helps.

Good luck!
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