I don't want to make anyone mad or hate me. I've been sick since I was a baby, first it was epilepsy then I gained massive weight and the doctors didn't know why. My mom took me to the doctors and they figured out I had high blood pressure so they put me on medicine.
My earliest recollection of suicide and wanting to die was at a very young age, prior to my teenage years. The problem for me is that I don't talk about it with anyone other than my mother and she's sick on her own. I have friends but they think I'm perfectly fine. I don't like to bother others with negative thoughts so I pretend to be happy.
When I'm alone, some days are so bad I will take a whole bottle of what ever pills I have on hand trying to complete the suicide process only for it to weaken me and make me more moody.
Today is my Mom's birthday, I wanted to make it special for her, I was fine when I woke up but then something happened between making her a card and thinking of being around my family. They don't understand me. I don't want to have a pity party so I stay away completely . Isolating myself and going on each day only to not go to hell.
I was on dialasis for 4 years beginning at the age of 19 and got a kidney from my oldest sister at the age of 23. at first, I saw the positive side but now I'm 29. still single and have tried to have a baby but can't conceive, I'm surrounded my family members and the world with perfect families that are happy and that's what I want for myself but it hasn't happened. I've prayed to God over and over to make a change in my life so that I can be somewhat normal with my mental stability but somedays are harder than others.
Black Friday is the biggest shopping day of Christmas, I've never gone because I was always on dialasis, I've asked everyone to go with me but no one will. I don't want them to get mad at me but I'm so tired of doing everything alone. I wake up alone, spend the days at school which helps then come home and am by myself. I can't help but feel like a loser.
I've seen so many men and they always leave me within weeks when I feel a connection with them. No one is perfect but the world seeks perfection.
I want to celebrate my mommy's birthday but I don't think I can, it's to hard for me. If you fake your feeling around others, does that mean your fake? I don't want to be fake but real.
I don't know what I wish for but I guess I want simple things like falling in love with a good man and bearing a child of my own. having a family is what it's about.
I have Anemia, High blood pressure, HPV and much more that makes me feel like less of a woman and also weak.
I'm so sorry to be negative but I need to get this out. Plus I'm seeing a married man that gives me no support except for money for sex... there it is. It's all I feel I'm worthy of. A lot of you will think I'm a horror but I want to be different and loved and that 's the only messed up form of love I get.
I wonder all the time if God will accept me into his arms when I go, I have my faults but want to be with him and my Grandma's, Grandpas and other reletives in heaven soon. God please forgive me for not trying my hardest. I need help. Thankyou for listening and please be honest but don't put me over the edge as that's easy to do with me.
Peace to all.
My earliest recollection of suicide and wanting to die was at a very young age, prior to my teenage years. The problem for me is that I don't talk about it with anyone other than my mother and she's sick on her own. I have friends but they think I'm perfectly fine. I don't like to bother others with negative thoughts so I pretend to be happy.
When I'm alone, some days are so bad I will take a whole bottle of what ever pills I have on hand trying to complete the suicide process only for it to weaken me and make me more moody.
Today is my Mom's birthday, I wanted to make it special for her, I was fine when I woke up but then something happened between making her a card and thinking of being around my family. They don't understand me. I don't want to have a pity party so I stay away completely . Isolating myself and going on each day only to not go to hell.
I was on dialasis for 4 years beginning at the age of 19 and got a kidney from my oldest sister at the age of 23. at first, I saw the positive side but now I'm 29. still single and have tried to have a baby but can't conceive, I'm surrounded my family members and the world with perfect families that are happy and that's what I want for myself but it hasn't happened. I've prayed to God over and over to make a change in my life so that I can be somewhat normal with my mental stability but somedays are harder than others.
Black Friday is the biggest shopping day of Christmas, I've never gone because I was always on dialasis, I've asked everyone to go with me but no one will. I don't want them to get mad at me but I'm so tired of doing everything alone. I wake up alone, spend the days at school which helps then come home and am by myself. I can't help but feel like a loser.
I've seen so many men and they always leave me within weeks when I feel a connection with them. No one is perfect but the world seeks perfection.
I want to celebrate my mommy's birthday but I don't think I can, it's to hard for me. If you fake your feeling around others, does that mean your fake? I don't want to be fake but real.
I don't know what I wish for but I guess I want simple things like falling in love with a good man and bearing a child of my own. having a family is what it's about.
I have Anemia, High blood pressure, HPV and much more that makes me feel like less of a woman and also weak.
I'm so sorry to be negative but I need to get this out. Plus I'm seeing a married man that gives me no support except for money for sex... there it is. It's all I feel I'm worthy of. A lot of you will think I'm a horror but I want to be different and loved and that 's the only messed up form of love I get.
I wonder all the time if God will accept me into his arms when I go, I have my faults but want to be with him and my Grandma's, Grandpas and other reletives in heaven soon. God please forgive me for not trying my hardest. I need help. Thankyou for listening and please be honest but don't put me over the edge as that's easy to do with me.
Peace to all.
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Hey there I am SOOOOO sorry for all you have endured. God will and does accept you. I know its hard to have hope when it seems like life is so hard. If you want to chat as to not be "lonely know that there are people on this site willing to help and listen.
hang in there and Have a Happy Thanksgiving. look around and try to find little things in life to be thanksfull for like your life and your family and friends. as well as the day because every day is a gift from God. :)
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sorry to hear your sad story life...my husband is a dialysis technician and he told me once that life is precious gift and so many of us take it for granted... we all have imperfections and faults...there is noone that is whole or perfect...thats why we have our Lord to look up to and to be our friend ...sometimes God lets us fall so far so we can finally realize that with out Him life is not worth living...and especially not worth dying...because we are just visitors here ...when we die thats when eternal life begins in heaven with Him or in hell with the evil one....we have a choice everyday to change and become what God wants us to be..his instruments.
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