Are You Fat Because You Are Polite?

I have a confession to make right here on Steady Health, a website with nearly 300,000 members. I am extremely well informed about weight control. And I have a weight problem myself. There's a lot of me to love.

A few weeks ago I sat down next to a good friend, a thin friend at a community dinner. The meal was delicious. The dessert, everyone said, was fabulous. But they were running out. My friend wanted a serving of that wonderful peach pie for herself, and she brought one for me, too.

Thin People Will Share High-Calorie Food with Heavier People

My friend was being kind and polite. But her behavior illustrates a general principle about social interactions around food recently tested by investigators at the Department of Marketing at Duke University's Fuqua School of Business. Dr. Gavan Fitzsimons and his collaborators and students recruited volunteers whose task was to choose a snack for themselves and a member of the research team, a woman who sometimes wore a size 0 dress, her natural size, or sometimes wore a size 16 dress over a fat suit.

The test subjects were asked to choose a snack for themselves and for the researcher. They could choose chocolate chip cookies (the "unhealthy" food) or wheat crackers (the "healthy" food).

Most test subjects would prefer chocolate chip cookies for themselves, but they also had to choose a snack for the woman from the research team. When the researcher wore a fat suit and a size 16 dress, more often than not, test subjects would get chocolate chip cookies for themselves and get chocolate chip cookies for the researcher, too.

People picked unhealthy foods for themselves and for others, too, to avoid hurt feelings. Doctoral student Peggy Liu also noted that some participants in the study said it would be impolite to pick healthy food for themselves, even if they preferred the wheat crackers over the chocolate chip cookies, and offer unhealthy food for an overweight person. People in the study also tried to avoid the message "I can see you are fat so I am bringing you cookies to stuff your face." 

Overall, 60% of participants in the study brought the same snack for themselves and the research collaborator when she was wearing a fat suit. Only 30% of participants in the study brought the same snack for the research collaborator and themselves when she was not.

Read More: Is Being Overweight Really OK?

How Overeating Becomes "Contagious"

It is easy to see how this principle would apply to other social situations that center around eating food. If you are making a trip to the buffet table and your overweight friend or relative is  in the middle of a conversation, you might, for instance, offer to bring back a piece of pie for your dining partner. If your dining partner is overweight, you will naturally choose a larger portion for them, but because bringing back a smaller portion for yourself would imply you think your dining partne is fat, as a polite person you take a large portion for yourself, too.

An Unexpected Aspect Of The Stigma Of Overweight

This odd ritual of eating more on the assumption that overweight people eat more so to avoid offending them, you have to eat more, too, is one way nice people deal with the stigma of overweight. At least in North American culture, it is considered impolite to point out personal problems to the people who are enduring them. Overweight is stigmatized more than many other conditions, even leprosy, and drawing attention to it is considered impolite. The solution for most people is simply to eat more right along with one's overweight dining companions, even if neither party is hungry.

There is a very simple way to avoid this situation:

When you are choosing food for a friend, ask what they would like and ask how much.

There may be factors that you cannot control that made lead to someone's being offended, but over the long run, you are a better friend by offering only food that is really wanted, whether or not it is "healthy" or "unhealthy" or a small portion or large. Communicate to convey respect.

The awkward social stigma of overweight is just one of many landmines along the path to weight loss. Here are some other ways you can be politically correct at the dining table without encouraging overeating in others:

• When you eat unhealthy food, pay with cash. Researchers have found that when people buy food they consider unhealthy, they prefer to pay with credit cards. When they buy food that is healthy, they don't mind paying with cash. When you are eating fast food or some "sinful indulgence," pay with cash, to reinforce the idea that the food is unhealthy. This will also affect your fellow diners who see you paying with cash.
• Don't be afraid to mention that "the fruit is so good this time of year and there's so much of it" or "you wouldn't believe how little I paid for" a healthy fruit or vegetable. When people learn that food is inexpensive, they naturally eat more of it.
• Be sure that any food you tell others is "healthy" is actually good for them. People are always inclined to eat more of any food they think is healthy, but with unhealthy foods, their desires may be for "just a piece."
• Remember that people eat until they feel full, not stopping just because they have consumed enough calories. When you offer food to an overweight friend, include foods that are filling despite being low in calories, such as soup, salads, fruit, or anything watery. Avoid crackers, jerky, flat bread, chips, and crisps. 

Read More: Best meal plan for overweight persons?

• If you don't want overweight people who are dining with you to eat large portions of food, don't eat large portions yourself. People who see others taking large portions will take large portions for themselves, especially if they see a thin person taking a large amount of food.
• Focus on the taste of food, and talk about the taste of food with your fellow diners. People eat less when they are aware of the tastes in food.