Congratulations, You're Going To Be A Dad! How Men Can Prepare For A New Baby

You and your partner both decided to have a baby, and you are both happily expecting. How can you, as a man, prepare for fatherhood and a new baby? The myth that pregnancy and small babies are solely a mother's domain is very persistent, and given the fact that the pregnancy isn't developing inside your body, it's easy to feel a little like an outsider. But it doesn't have to be like that.

My friend's husband plays in a band, and often comes home in the early hours of the morning. He's had an excellent relationship with his kids since before they were born, something my friend first noticed when she was pregnant with her first daughter. “I really didn't have anything to do with it,” my friend explained.

“I'd be asleep when he came home, and he'd just put his hand on my belly and have a 'conversation' with the baby. Whenever he put his hand there, she'd kick back to say hello. Sometimes, he played the guitar for her.”

This touching story is radically different to some blogs you might read about preparing for fatherhood. One post I recently came across seriously advised dads to-be to stock up on batteries of various sizes and to buy a screwdriver set, so they could make sure the baby's “numerous battery-operated toys” would never run out of power. This sad image fits in very well with society's views on fatherhood... and masculinity in general, for that matter.

So, how can a new dad begin to prepare for fatherhood when he's not the one who's pregnant? The fact that he is not the one who is carrying the baby around in his body is not really relevant. We can give you some of the old cliché tips on “taking on more household chores” because your wife just can't do it any more and she needs "help". That advice stands, though I'll assume that you did household chores before your partner got pregnant too.

Your role in the practical preparations for the baby is pretty crucial too. Standing on a wobbly ladder while attempting to paint the walls of the new nursery with a nine-month belly isn't a good idea. That baby bump makes the center of gravity shift, after all. Ask me how I know. If your partner is suffering from the nesting instinct and wants to do all the cool work herself, you can at least hold that ladder while she paints, and "spot" for her.

You could also, let's say, make lots of meals to feed the freezer, so that you guys will be able to warm them up after the baby gets there, and nobody has to cook from scratch or order those unhealthy take-outs you're otherwise probably going to be doomed to.

The practical stuff is important, but it is not all that hard to figure out. There is nothing there that is unique to expectant fathers. Whatever needs to be done will be done, unless the expectant mom is on bed rest, and in that case you really do become indispensable. The emotional side of preparing for fatherhood is much more important than all this chore and DIY stuff everyone seems to think fathers to-be should be doing.

Emotionally Preparing For Parenting A Baby And Beyond

Studies show that show that fathers matter — that they can play a unique and very important role in a child's life from infancy to adolescence, and of course even beyond, into adulthood.  How can you set yourself up to be the best father you can, even before your baby arrives?

See A Shrink

Probably not what you wanted to hear, to be fair, but it's a good tip. It is clear that a person's own childhood greatly influences the way in which they parent their children. Pregnancy offers a good opportunity to evaluate your own experiences, relationships with your mother and father, and what you can do to become the best parent possible.

It is, I think, fair to say that every person has experiences they have suppressed and can learn from, and many more have traumas to work out. You don't have to come from a dysfunctional family to benefit from therapy.

Those who do come from problematic families or have otherwise experienced traumas they have not yet dealt with should definitely grab the chance to get some good counseling sessions in before the baby arrives. You can look for a therapist experienced in family matters, and specifically mention that you are working on yourself to benefit your baby and your relationship with your partner as you both prepare to be parents.

Talking to your parents, siblings and other relatives about your childhood and your views of it can also be enormously helpful. My husband was raised in a highly dysfunctional family, for instance, but he was convinced he had perfect parents when I first met him. Discussing memories with his brother and then bringing them to the dinner table for more conversation really helped him. Examining his childhood has definitely made him a better father.

Go To Prenatal Appointments

Going to at least some prenatal appointments with your partner is very important for many reasons. In the first place, you are on this parenting journey together and you should go with your partner to support her. In some cases, prenatal appointments involve a lot of sitting around in waiting rooms and you can keep your partner entertained.

But more importantly, prenatal appointments provide a bonding opportunity. Hearing your baby's heartbeat, seeing her move on an ultrasound monitor, and perhaps even finding out whether your baby is a boy or a girl — all of these are really impressive moments in your life that you don't want to miss out on.

Prenatal appointments are also where discussions about labor and delivery typically begin. You want to be there to support your partner, explore your views and wishes, and ultimately make decisions together with your healthcare provider. You may like to take notes and do research into the available options in your area, depending on both your wishes and your partner's health.

Not something you really want to think about, but if something scary does happen during a prenatal appointment, you wouldn't want your partner to hear that stuff alone, either. 

Think About Your Parenting Philosophy

What are your opinions about sleep training? Co-sleeping with a baby? Breastfeeding? Circumcision for baby boys? Daycare vs having a stay at home parent? And how do you think you will want to raise your child beyond the infant stage? Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their other half will agree with them about parenting decisions. This is not necessarily the case at all, however. Now is the time to start discussing these issues.

Making care decisions for infants is very important; science proves that a baby's first year leaves a great and lasting impact. If there is anything you feel particularly strongly about, bring it up with your partner and also ask for her opinions. You could talk about how you were both raised, what you want to do differently and what you were happy with. You could also read good parenting books together and have a good chat about their contents.

Being open and willing to listen to each other is the most important thing here. Parenting is a joint venture. Don't feel that you cannot take a proactive role or that you're forced to ride in the backseat while mom makes all the tough choices. Fathers have a unique contribution to offer to their children in terms of emotional support, play (research shows fathers play differently with their kids than mothers), moral guidance, and making the transition to adulthood.