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Overcoming Sibling Rivalry

by — Last updated: 2023-03-25 in Children's & Teens Health

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Sibling rivalry can make life really difficult for your kids — and for you! How can you help your kids overcome their competitive and jealous feelings in a positive manner?

Make Each Of Your Kids Feel Special

Children who feel good behave nicely, and children who feel loved and treasured for who they are are much less likely to be jealous of their siblings. Parents who go out of their way to make all their individual kids feel unique and special will always benefit, but doubly so if sibling rivalry is already an established issue. 

You could start by analyzing what you love and appreciate about each of your kids. Then, talk about this with your children.

Genuine praise doesn't create spoiled and arrogant children, and praising each of your kids for strengths that are important to them won't make the other(s) feel resentful — it will make them each feel understood and valued. 

Younger kids often benefit from having a wall or board dedicated to their special achievements. They can show off drawings, essays, invitations to sports matches, or pictures of events they attended. All kids' strengths will be on display for the whole family to enjoy, and each one will feel special. 

Kids of all ages will enjoy it of you spend one-on-one time with them. Go watch your child's extracurricular activity, take him out for lunch and talk about what matters to him, or teach her to drive or knit. This time will also offer individual children the opportunity to talk about issues they have with their sibling(s). When this happens, listen — and acknowledge how the child feels. Don't immediately defend the other child. You can focus on problem-solving later on, but the child definitely needs to know that he can express his true feelings safely. 

Create A Feeling-Friendly Zone

Sibling conflict may manifest as arguing, physical aggression, or a sneaky "I can do better than you" competition. Ongoing conflicts between kids thrive when the underlying feelings are not addressed openly. 

Whether the jealous and resentful child is a toddler or a teen, ignoring or negating their feelings is going to be counterproductive.

Many parents hope that the conflict will simply disappear, or actively tell the child he is not feeling the way he is. "You don't really hate your baby brother, you just have to get used to having him around," or "don't be silly, of course I love you just as much as your sister". 

What's the best thing to do, then?

Ask your child how she is feeling if you sense there is some sibling rivalry. When your child shares her feelings, repeat those back to her and ask for more information. "You are worried that I don't love you as much now that you have a baby brother. Newborns are a lot of work, and you would prefer to have me all to yourself. Am I understanding that right?"

And then, after your child pours her feelings out, ask how you can make it better. "Would you like it if I made sure I had time to play with you every day?"

Or: "You are frustrated that I have to drive your sister to her drama classes all the time, and you feel her talent makes me love her more. I want you to know I love you just as much, but tell me — how could I make you feel better? "

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Environments in which children feel free to express their emotions openly — feeling-friendly zones — don't create more resentment. They tackle their feelings head-on when given a chance.

Listening to your child, taking his feelings seriously, and looking for solutions together strengthens the bond you have with your child and the relationship he has with his sibling(s). 
 
Of course, siblings will not always get along. If you have brothers or sisters yourself, you may be able to trace a current fraught relationship back all the way to childhood — right? Sometimes, personalities clash strongly, and your children may grow up not to like each other very much. Nonetheless, parents can play a powerful role in ensuring that siblings have little to compete over, and plenty of reason to treasure each other.