Parenting Decisions After An Autism Diagnosis: 4 Tips For Raising An Autistic Child

Finding out your child is autistic often leads to strong feelings — research shows that many parents experience intense fear, shock, denial, and guilt, as well as, sadly considering their children are very much alive, profound grief likened to that of losing a child to death. It can also, for many (neurotypical/non-autistic) parents, trigger some serious soul-searching about how they're supposed to parent their autistic child. 

Online articles about this very topic are a dime a dozen. Many launch straight into a set of cookie-cutter tips:

• Establish solid and predictable routines. 
• Make sure to expose your child to the "real world" by taking them shopping and to other places, even if it's hard. 
• Ignore behaviors you consider undesirable and offer praise when your child behaves in a way you'd like to encourage. 
• Warn your child about upcoming transitions so they can better prepare. 
• Gradually introduce your child to environments that can lead to sensory overload, so they can get used to those settings. 

Learn about autism and autistic experiences from autistic adults

Gone are the days in which parents had to rely only on medical professionals and books to find out what the autism spectrum entails — in today's world, the internet has made it possible to access information about autism freely, by the boatload. Sure, you could stick to clinically-oriented websites or read studies created by neurotypical researchers. You can, and probably will, connect with other parents of autistic children online, as well. 

Autistic adults are, however, sharing their experiences, needs, and perspective on the world all over the internet — on their own blogs, in books they've written, and on social media. There's no better way to gain a deeper understanding of what it's like to be autistic. That includes information about better ways to understand and parent autistic children, as well as things you really shouldn't do. If you're willing to listen and learn from autistic adults, many of whom are also parenting autistic children, you have an incredibly powerful resource on your hands. 

Learn from your child, and presume competence

As parents it is, I firmly believe, our job to support our children on their own personal growth paths — not to turn them into something they're not, but to help them best be who they already are.

Don't forget to include your own child in the picture — they know, better than anyone, what they need. 

This includes not presuming that your child will need help with everything, or needs you to do or decide everything for them. Your child will show you what kind of parent they need, if you will listen (and nope, I don't just mean to verbal, written, or picture communication, but also to behavior). Don't assume that your child's neurodiversity means they are not competent, and trust them. 

Don't document your parenting journey, warts-and-all, on the internet and elsewhere

Plenty of parents of autistic children lament how difficult their children are to raise, and even go so far as to say that they wish their child was neurotypical or they didn't have an autistic child. I know this because they do so publicly, in the most gory of details, on the internet — often accompanied by pictures of their children.

They do it in-person as well, often with their children right within earshot. Pro tip: Don't assume that your child doesn't understand everything you're saying, and has all sorts of thoughts and feelings about it, even if your child is themselves nonverbal or minimally verbal. 

Do get help for yourself if you need it

Parenting can be immensely stressful. It's likely to be even more so if your child has a different neurology than you. That holds true for day-to-day experiences we're just not sure how to handle or that overwhelm us, but also for worries about our children's current and future health and wellbeing. It's normal to need help with that. It's where the whole "it takes a village" saying comes from. 

So don't neglect your own needs, and be sure to practice self-care. Ask for help if you need it, give yourself permission to pursue your own passions and interests, and take time out to chill. We're all better parents if we feel fulfilled and happy ourselves, and that's true whether we're parenting neurotypical or autistic children.