Sex can be many different things. Normal. Healthy. Beautiful. Passionate. Satisfying. Disgusting. Violent. Unpleasant. So-so. A chore. Empowering. Oppressing. Taboo. Human. Can it also be addictive? Not just in the proverbial "I just can't get enough of my partner!" sense, but in the literal addiction sense?
What is the definition of addiction?
No matter what a person addicted to, all addictions have some common features. According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine, the characteristics of addiction include:
- Addiction is a chronic disease "of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry". Like many other chronic diseases, it's also often progressive and may feature periods of remission and relapse. Like other chronic conditions, addiction can be managed, but not simply "thought away" through sheer will power.
- Addicts are unable to "consistently abstain" from the thing they're addicted to — even if they want to stop and try to stop, they keep being sucked in.
- Addicts strongly crave what they're addicted to, mentally, physically, or both.
- Addicts have trouble controlling their behavior. They continue to pursue the substance or action they are addicted to even if it causes them severe problems in all areas of life.
- Addiction messes with emotions, social relationships, and to the person's ability to recognize that they are having these problems or how bad they are.
Looking at these characteristics, it is certainly possible to become addicted to sex. Sex addicts will go through phases similar to those seen in other addictions, too. The first is "obsession", wherein the addict is preoccupied with the idea of having sex to the exclusion of other thoughts (a bit like, say, craving a cigarette or a drink). The second stage would be ritualization, in which the addict performs certain rituals to get ready for sex. Having sex would be the third phase, and it will temporarily cause feelings of relief or release. The let-down, in which the person feels regret and anticlimax, comes after. Then, the cycle begins anew.
What kinds of sexual behaviors can characterize a sex addiction?
Not all sex addicts are the same — like some gamblers play Blackjack and others poker, among many other possibilities, a sex addiction can also externalize itself in all sorts of different ways. Some examples are:
- Compulsive masturbation.
- Compulsive masturbation with, ehm, the help of the internet.
- Meeting new sex partners through sites that might euphemistically be called "dating apps".
- Attending sex clubs.
- Visiting prostitutes or escorts.
- Trying to "pick people up" in casual social venues.
Interestingly, no study I have seen mentions "rather frequent sex with a monogamous partner" or "rather frequent sex with available polyamorous partners" as expressions of this addiction. We should also note that, though at least two of these manifestations of a sex addiction feature the internet and a sex addict may also have an internet addiction, the internet is just a means to an end — not the source of this addiction.
Sex addicts often look for multiple partners, perhaps both because they crave new experiences and because one person cannot meet their "demand", but the kind of sex they're having is far from deeply satisfying and addicts often at least partially come to see sexual partners as little more than objects. A sex addict may have an unhealthy obsession with an unavailable love or sex interest, and may masturbate as many as 15 times a day.
Research has further unveiled that sex addicts:
- Are mostly men. Around 80 percent of sex addicts fall into this group.
- Are often emotionally insecure.
- May find it hard to cope with frustration in general.
- Have a large focus on action and often take risks that can leave them with sexually-transmitted diseases.
- Have trouble in their marriage, if they're in one (no surprise there).
- Often have underlying anxiety and depression.
- Tend to see sex more as a physical than an emotional act.
Can a sex addiction be treated?
Several options are available to help sufferers — and yes, this is an adequate description, as this addiction does cause suffering — manage their addiction. They include 12-step programs akin to Alcoholics Anonymous, in which peer support and a belief in a higher power combine to help a person abstain from their addiction, as well as psychodynamic therapy. This is a talk therapy in which the addict will seek to uncover past and present challenges that may be contributing to their addiction. Other kinds of talk therapy may also help.
Medication can play a role in treatment, too. Depending on the person, antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood-stabilizing drugs may all come into play. Medications that reduce a patient's libido (which can include hormonal therapies but also, again, some antidepressants) can likewise be helpful.
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