Tackling Tough Topics With Kids

What do we hope to offer our children above all else, as parents? For most of us, the answer is a stable, safe and happy childhood free of fear, pain, and sorrow.

Most children are exposed to loss and trauma over the course of their childhood, either first-hand or through relatives, friends or the news. They may be confronted by death, serious illnesses like cancer or dementia, suicide, war and violence, sex and sexual abuse. The list goes on. 

I remember how astonished I was when a family friend lost his wife to cancer... and then decided not to tell his young son. "Mommy is being treated in a different hospital," the bereft father told his boy. "And you can't visit." The boy's grandmother explained that they hoped he would forget — that he would forget his own mother. 

That boy is a young man now, and he did find out his mother passed away eventually, from someone at school. Everyone knew about what happened except him, and we can probably hold his story up as an example of how not to handle difficult issues.

Saying too much is also possible. "Your father was a violent alcoholic, and now he's dead," my mother told me when I was tiny. I received all the gory details without asking once, and recall sharing them with neighborhood kids in their full glory when they teased me for not having a dad. Telling the kids from Kindergarten what happened to my father made them shut up. They were shocked, but I wasn't — ever again, by anything.

Every parent has their own tough topics they dread discussing with their kids, whether it's school shootings, the latest war, or something more personal like divorce, death or illness in the family. How do you get it right? How do you make sure you say neither too much nor too little? How do you start?

Begin Early — But Keep It Age-Appropriate

Show your children that there are no taboo topics in your family from an early age, and don't be afraid to show your feelings. "Mommy is sad today, because it is the anniversary of grandma's death," or "we don't see uncle George because he has a drinking problem and he makes himself and people around him unsafe."

You model healthy emotional behavior by being open about your feelings, and talking about your own feelings will also inspire your kids to ask questions — about the topics you bring up, and others. Do make sure to ask how your child is feeling during the good times as well as the bad. You want talking about feelings to be a pleasant, comforting experience and not a lecture.

Keeping your conversations age-appropriate may be hard at times. You'll find out how much your child knows by asking for feedback all the time. If your child approaches you with a tough question, follow up on that question before going into details. "What do you think it means?", and "What have you heard?" are good starting points.

For example, your child might ask why people commit suicide. You'll want to start off by finding out what he thinks suicide is, and where he heard about the topic. Perhaps, he heard the word on the news and doesn't know what it means, or perhaps his friend's father committed suicide. The conversation will be entirely different depending on the context, obviously — so don't launch into lengthy explanations before you know what triggered the question. 

You'll keep your credibility by being honest, and you will also show that you respect your child enough to tell the truth. Doing so will make it much more likely that you'll still be having open conversations with your child when he is a teenager. 

Practical Tips For The Tough Stuff

Don't Ask, Don't Tell?

Should you wait until your child asks questions to discuss tough topics? I have certainly heard that advice rather often, but it doesn't always make sense. A child may well be struggling with an issue all by himself, without ever asking you about it — and the answer he comes up with himself may be a whole lot scarier than reality. 

Is someone in your child's life seriously ill? Unless you discuss the treatment and prognosis in detail, she could simply be assuming the person will die. Are you getting divorced? Unless you talk about why, your young child may assume it's his fault. 

Remember: starting a conversation doesn't mean that you have to give your child more information than he is ready for. Use every-day opportunities like books, the news, or a conversation you had with someone else to bring an issue up. 

Listen To Your Child

Taking the time to talk with your child every day is a huge gift that will benefit her emotional and mental health for the rest of her life. You can create the space to have all kinds of conversations — about every-day things as well as difficult topics — by making sure you have the time to listen.

How can you really listen? Start off by making yourself available. You can do this by switching off your electronic devices and also "switching off" your own worries. Dinner time and meal preparation are ideal for these conversations. If you are a talkative person, also guard yourself against monologues by making sure your child talks as much as you do. 

Issues That Affect Your Child Indirectly

You may be totally comfortable with talking about tough topics as they come up, but find issues that affect your child indirectly much harder to talk about. Your child won't know about things that happened in your family before they were born, changes in your job, or historical events unless you bring them up — until, of course, they find out from someone else.

Don't be afraid to mention you are stressed because people are being laid off at work, because it will let your child know she's not the reason you're in a bad mood. Dead, ill, or alcoholic relatives might not be your favorite conversational topic, but your kids probably still need to know about them. Really tough historical events like the Holocaust and 9/11 are also things you want to think about bringing up before someone else does, so you can discuss the emotional side as well as the bare facts.