The 7 Most Unhelpful Things to Say to Someone with Anxiety

Anxiety is a feeling of worry or unease. We all feel anxious at some time in our lives, perhaps before an important job interview or before a medical test. But some people's anxiety is more constant, looms larger, and interferes with much of their daily lives. 40 million Americans suffer with some form of Anxiety Disorder, and it can be crippling.

The most common types of anxiety include:

• Panic Disorder: A permanent feeling of panic and anxiety with no apparent stimulus. Panic attacks are regular and recurring. It severely disrupts daily life
• Phobia: A fear of a particular stimulus, such as claustrophobia (fear of small confined spaces), arachnophobia (fear of spiders), or aviophobia (fear of flying). Sufferers usually avoid the stimulus. Depending on what the stimulus is, this may make life considerably less rich than it could be (I recall a woman who walked several miles in the rain because her claustrophobia meant she found it impossible to take a particularly crowded bus).
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: An anxiety disorder caused by a highly stressful, frightening or distressing event, such as war, sexual assault, attempted murder, natural disaster, or being held hostage. The effects may be particularly crippling on a person's life.
• Social Anxiety Disorder: A persistent, overwhelming anxiety that occurs in any social situations.

For sufferers of these conditions, life is made difficult by a range of symptoms including heart palpitations, panic, restlessness, insomnia, breathlessness, and anxiety.

"Helpful" friends then compound the problem with a barrage of cheerful clichés, peppy bromides, and generally unhelpful comments that undermine the individual, stripping away the confidence which is already dented by an illness.

So let's look at the 7 most unhelpful things you can say to a person with anxiety:

"Just calm down"

This is harmful because it suggests that people with anxiety can just relax if they choose. Anxiety is not a choice. Anxiety is a sensation that intensifies, and you may not always know the cause.

As psychologist Shawn Smith put in an open letter on Psychology Today: "Let’s acknowledge the obvious: if I could stop my anxiety, I would have done so by now. That may be difficult to understand since it probably looks like I choose to [panic, scrub, hoard, pace, hide, ruminate, check, clean, etc]. I don’t. In my world, doing those things is only slightly less excruciating than not doing them. It’s a difficult thing to explain, but anxiety places a person in that position."

Try this instead: Ask what makes the person feel calmer and then offer to do it with them. Watching a film, meditating, going for a walk, or working out together are good ways to help alleviate symptoms. Words might not be your friend.

"Just do it"

Also "Just suck it up". This is a popular old chestnut used on people with phobias. This kind of "tough love" may be popular, but is ultimately unhelpful. People with phobias aren't deliberately avoiding stimuli because they think it's fun. Trying to use tough-love only makes your friend or relative feel unsupported and insecure. By disregarding their phobia, the sufferer becomes defensive and feels they have to fight for the right to feel their valid felings.

Try this instead: Say, "It must be terrible to feel this way". By showing empathy, you help the sufferer be calm.

More Unhelpful Phrases For Anxiety Sufferers

"Don't you know that you have more chance of being struck by lightning three times in a row than you have of dying in an airplane crash?"

The anxiety sufferer's response: "Great, now I've got to be anxious about lightning..."

Phobias aren't rational. The sufferer knows their phobia isn't rational. So you can quote statistics until you're mauve, it won't make the blind bit of difference to most people with anxiety. You can quote statistics, print reams of text to support your claims, but it will be ineffective until the sufferer has begun the long process of psychological treatment.

Try this instead: Say, "It's okay to feel this way." You won't be feeding their condition. The condition's here to stay until the sufferer seeks professional treatment. By allowing them to embrace their condition, rather than banish it, you help the individual to not feel anxious about their anxiety. This helps.

"You shouldn't sweat the small stuff."

When you suffer anxiety, everything is "big stuff". This attempt to be upbeat and perky is actually dismissive of a problem that is very real and very serious to the individual with anxiety.

Try this instead: If you want to say something upbeat, say, "You've handled this before and you can do it again." Clinical psychologist Scott Bea says that this reassures your friend that you know their suffering is real and helps them overcome their feelings of panic.

"If you think you have problems, wait 'til you hear mine..."

This does nothing for the person with anxiety. It will not help them to hear about your cola addiction, your problems with your mother, or your German Shepherd's bad foot. All this does is make you feel better, and does so at the anxiety sufferer's expense. The anxiety sufferer will feel vulnerable and guilty for having talked to you, and you will feel better for having "put their problems into perspective" and for having dumped your own negative feelings onto someone else.

Instead try this: Say, "I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?" We're not therapists, and we're not qualified to give lazy, well-meaning but wide-of-the-mark advice. Instead, show you care; your friend needs support, not judgment.

"Have a drink; take your mind off it."

Alcohol is not a good idea for people with anxiety. Many people with anxiety may self-medicate with alcohol, as alcohol may take the "edge" off anxiety immediately. Over time however, alcohol abuse only increases anxiety.

Try this instead: Say, "How can I help you feel less anxious?" This will show you're there, and want to lighten their load. This will, at least, show you care.

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"You'd feel better if you went vegan/gave up gluten/met Guru Steve/prayed."

People love to evangelise, whether it's about their new diet, their new philosophy, or their new religion. If it's not lacto-free, gluten-free organic Paleo-eating vegans telling you'd be Wonder Woman if you followed the same diet, it's the fire-burning fundie telling you that your illness is a sin-problem. When you suffer anxiety, it seems that everyone knows what you should do.

Try this instead: Just shut up and listen. Seriously.

18% of Americans suffer an anxiety disorder. That makes it the most common type of mental health disorder in the United States.

If you are suffering from an anxiety disorder, speak to your GP or primary care physician who can refer you to a reputable therapist. Alternatively, contact a psychologist who specialises in anxiety disorders. You can find a qualified specialist at the American Psychological Association’s Psychologist Locator (USA) or the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists’ online directory (UK).

And, to those of you who know someone who suffers a chronic anxiety disorder: be supportive, and don't judge.