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So, you're a bit bored with your own fingers or hands, and want something more exciting to use during masturbation — but, for whatever reason, sex toys specially designed for the purpose aren't an option? You want to have fun without doing (permanent) damage to your body, and perhaps ending up on one of those "crazy ER" television shows. 

What do you need to know?

Home-Made 'Sex Toys': Some Ground Rules To Keep You Safe

The ground rule that sits atop all other ground rules is this: use common sense. 

Using common sense means asking yourself whether the thing you're going to employ as a home-made, improvised, sex toy is actually safe, and here are some specific things you will want to stay away from:

  • Anything that contains sharp bits. Pen knives, razors, cacti, and plastic dinosaurs with scary scales are out, guys. I wish I was kidding, but I'm only half kidding. Vibrating razors are talked about quite regularly. They're not really safe because they contain all kinds of ridges that can easily get dirty, but if you must, at least remove the actual razor blade! Electric toothbrushes, which are frequently mentioned as an item that girls and women use during masturbation, contain bristles that might inflict micro-injuries to your vulva, as well. 
  • Anything you can get parts stuck in. Guys, this one is for you. Don't stick your penis into a jar (or anything else, like hoover pipes and the like) it might never come out of without medical assistance.
  • Anything that might break or come apart inside parts of your anatomy. Candles, carrots, phallus-shaped objects with lids (like deodorant or hairspray), toilet paper rolls. and other items that I'm not creative enough to think of but that might lead to "infection caused by the presence of a foreign object" are out. 
  • Anything that's dirty. Vegetables often contain some very nasty bacteria when they're not washed, as does just about anything else, for that matter. Anything that was previously used by your partner or someone else is also suspect. 
  • Anything that can cause skin irritation. That essential-oil based lotion might cause a burning sensation and contact dermatitis. Just don't. Plain old soap isn't an option either, as it can really irritate your genitals and mess with the bacterial flora. 

Here's a final ground rule for you: if you can slip a condom over it, do. This will make your experience a lot safer. 

So, What Can I Use Safely?

Girls, and guys who enjoy anal stimulation, can choose to use cleaned and condomed cucumbers, zucchinis, and pretty much anything else with a phallic shape but no sharp edges, bits that stick out, or bits that can break off. 

Girls can hump pillows, chairs, the corner of a couch covered with a clean towel, or anything else that is clean and does not contain sharp edges. 

People of both sexes can safely use all kinds of fabric as masturbatory aids, so long as they are clean, not too rough, and the people using them aren't allergic to the fabric softener that was used to wash them. 

Guys can use plastic gloves, pies, banana peels, and things like that, as long as they wear a condom and as long as they are sure their privates cannot get stuck inside the object. 

Both males and females also enjoy objects that vibrate. The washing machine, massagers, Clarisonic or similar skin brush, and even that infamous toothbrush can all be used — but only if you make sure there are no sharp bits around, or parts that you might inadvertently get your genitals caught up in. That toothbrush? Only without the bristly part!

Finally, the showerhead is a very safe masturbatory tool. Girls, just make sure you don't spray the stream directly into your vagina, which can disturb the bacterial flora and even lead to an air embolism. 

The moral of the story remains — if you're not sure that it is safe, don't do it. 

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