18, Depression? APD? Watching my life fall apart, day by day.

If you're reading this, thank you, I want to explain my situation in detail, please bear with me. I never open up.I am aged 18, male. I have had so many opportunities many people can only dream of, and i have so far chosen the wrong path each time. I live with my mother and have done so all my life. My father hasn't lived with us since i was 2 years old. I have an older sister and brother who were born within a year of each other, with myself following 6 years after my brother. I have always felt a distance between us as a family, being the youngest i was naturally exposed to different atmospheres at completely different ages. My mother has been through so much pain and suffering in the last 10 years words can not describe the lows we have shared. Through the last 8 years i have been living with my mother while my brother and sister have left the house, both aged 17 at their individual departures, both leaving due to clashes with my mother on a bad day.

My sister is amazing, she has a highly respected degree from one of the best universities in the world. My brother has recently got his sh*t together and is doing really well for himself, his own business, studying his own degree and finding love in a family friend for which i am so happy for him, we never got on during own childhoods, in hindsight this was probably due to the stressful atmosphere in the house. Now we socialise together and the arguing is reserved for particularly touchy subjects, which is good :)

I, on the other hand, feel as if im sinking. In school, i achieved lots quickly in my early years, staying ahead of my peers for a long time, until i was 14. Then i started to slack. I would start making decisions that i knew were wrong but i chose the easy option, as it was after all, "easier". For instance, not doing course work, because i knew i could get away with it,  i could just make an excuse and enjoy doing nothing in the mean time. "i'll think about it later"When i attended school i would often attempt to make friends with everyone i met, no matter what their appearance, accent, gender, race would suggest. I am after all a strong believer in words over looks, i have to be.I guess thats when i stopped brushing my teeth, I never really had a reason to stop, i just did.I then, at 15, started making new friends, i completely changed my group of friends for one i deemed to be "popular". This was merely swapping the people i knew to be genuine for those i thought to be "cool". Soon i was smoking, tobacco and cannabis, and my teeth were beginning to show the effects, slow and steady deterioration took place. It didnt matter, i had friends and drugs to provide a distraction. Soon i was being rejected, rejected for standing up for things i believed in, i often found myself being the only one offended when the only black boy in the group, my friend, was being racially abused behind his back, since then i slowly became "less cool" and those people i tried so hard to be friends with began to stop inviting me out, started talking behind my back and ganging up on me. I left the group. The problem i found with the group  was that there were so many people in it who are genuinly lovely, but they conform to the group mentality out of fear of themselves being rejected.Now im 18, smoke cannabis almost everyday. I am very well read on the subject, the risks and the affects, i have an addiction, an addiction to escapism. I block the world out by getting high. I somehow, after failing all my exams, got into uni, what the f**k happened that made them accept me, i'll never know, i even remembered the name of the women who sent me the offer.Now im missing my right canine tooth, which is obvious, i for some reason keep clinging onto people who obviously dont want to be my friends. I struggle to make new friends, i am overly social. I know it seems weird, tell me about it...but i love to talk, when i do i make sure i cover my teeth just incase someone gives me the oh too familiar look of," is he missing a tooth? ew."

I know what they must think, i have never had a girlfriend, i have had 5 girls who i have become so close to but my fear of rejection is so powerful i cannot offer myself wholly to them. Soon after building a strong friendship, they each stopped talking to me, i would message them but ultimately it was the familiar feeling of my messages being read and ignored. Last year i started growing, fast. i am 6 ft 4", 62kg, very very skinny, everyone comments on it, daily. Between that, the teeth, and the fact i always say the wrong thing, its very hard for me to make new friends. I have no best friend, he stays within the group, he is desperate for their approval he often sells out his beliefs to fit in. Now im ditching uni to get high, sometimes by myself, i stay up all night thinking about how to solve my problems, everytime i run away. there is no one i can feel comfortable discussing my life with, as i know for a fact nobody i have encountered understands, mainly because i haven't explained it too them.I am now in the process of being thrown out of uni. When that happens, i will be really screwed. Not in a way my life will be over, just in the way my self respect will hit absolute zero. I float through life just watching the destruction, i am a burdon to my family, i lie about things, big and small, even when i dont have to. I embarrass my family just by being in their presence, i know they dont feel it as that way, but i know that appearance in this world is important, no matter how much i wish it not to be.Everytime i try to fix my life i slip back into laziness, i don't know what i should do next, there is no way for me to cover the costs of the various required treatments to fix my appearance. I feel like everythings just building up to nothing, soon i expect myself to be out of uni, thereby effectively kicking both myself and my mother out of our house, which will happen if i dont stop f*****g up every chance i get. I'm even writing this at 7am, staying up the entire night until now. I have uni in one hour. f**k.

I thought i'd have a question to conclude, but im kind of struggling, like i said, i never say what i feel. I guess what i'd appreciate is perhaps some guidance on how to take control over my life and stop running? I want to get close to someone other than my family, i have a lot to give, i just dont have anyone to receive i guess.

If you read this far, thank you, i will be reading all the replies, you have given me more time than most people would.

kindest regards,

Anon x