Help/advice needed to stop.
I feel i am safe for another day,if i am careful,for my last bout lasted longer than i expected,i suppose one of these days i shall have a fit that will kill me,will i regret it ? is my madness a disease? I do believe it.I can honestly no more help getting drunk,than a lunatic can help screaming and gibbering.it should be different with me,for i should be a contended man, happily married,with two children that love me,and care about me,and are about me,and family cares to which should distract me.but i feel a lonely,sometimes a gloomy being excluded from the emotion of love,devoured by anger and torture. i feel i have a hideous wild beast that seams to scream and stir within my very soul a monster,whose craving cannot be satisfied,but can only be drowned by stupefying alcohol.i have vowed many times to drink nothing more than water. then i grow nervous,disconnected and moody. i start to drink then become smoothed,but moderation is not,little by little i increase,six,seven,eight,then ten and twelve.then i loose count altogether.my tongue is dry in the morning,then i use liquor to literally moisten my lips once again.i will drink wine,beer or spirits and all goes well my limbs regain there movement my hands their stiffness and my brain its sanity and placidity. i begin to feel i have a will. i am now confident,calm and hopeful.after this i begin to fall into one of the most frightful depressions the earth,air,sea seam all to appear barren and colorless. life is just becoming a burden.i long to sleep,when i am asleep i struggle to awake because of the awful dreams which flap around in the darkness inside my head. at night i cry,as i wish it was the morning,in the morning i wish it was the evening, i am burdened by this. but i know what would restore me to life take away my burden,but it will also then cast me back again deeper into a fit of dispire. I DRINK-MY BLOOD BECOMES WARM - MY HEART LEAPS-MY HANDS NO LONGER FUCKEN SHAKE- HOW CAN I WITHSTAND A TEMPTATION LIKE THAT???So i drink again,i feel the animal inside me stirring. i feel like a man possed by the devil,who is ready to break out and tear to pieces those that are close and loved . but there is one way to escape this depth of desire.DOWNWARDS. i drink and become oblivious. i must drench the monster i have awaken until he again falls asleep. so i shut my self up alone and pour down my gullet huge amounts of alcohol.it floods my brain.i am a man again or am i ? as i topple over-dead drunk.i wake up with red eyes.i look down upon my shaking hands. i wounder if i shall be on of those grotesque depressed beings,with bleared eyes and runny noses,swollen bellies and shrunken legs!!!!!!!
Dear Michael,
You are not alone, 1000s of people go through this every day. You have an addiction. You can get help if you want it, and I hope you want it, for the sake of your kids, for the sake of your marriage, for the sake of your own life. Please seek help!
Your GP can get you in contact with a local AA, there are ways to get help, you are the master of your own body. Do you not wash when you feel unclean? Get out of bed when you awake? Feed your body when you hunger?
You are in control, you are just becoming a victim of your own mind.
Dear Michael, You are really really not alone. I am a woman 5'3" approximately 150 pounds. Normally I weigh 135 but I recently lost my business, got a duii, fractured my leg, and discovered I am going to jail for appoximately 80 days with probation after this. I was just like you except I've hit rock bottom. I sought out help and was detoxed briefly several times at the hospital. Briefly means between 3 and 5 days. If there is any way that you can go into a long term detox please do so for yourself and your family. When I hit rock bottom I was with my ex. He was supplying my alcohol to me at the time and I almost killed myself. Somehow in my drunkeness i convinced him to supply me??? Maybe he wanted me dead. Maybe he couldn't deal with it anymore and wished I would die??? I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. When I finally realized I was knocking on death's door I had already fallen and hit my head, been thrown against the fire place by my boyfriend, had bruises all over my back and cuts on my elbows. I was thrown in jail like that after a very unsuccessful trip to the hospital via police offices escort. I was literally out of my mind. In jail I looked hideous. I still have pictures the nurse took at the hospital afterwards. I threw up over and over. The other inmates were scared for me. They kept giving me water. I called for the nurse over and over until they put me in isolation and there was nobody to call out to. People die in jail like this all of the time. Please be warned. You do not want to go into jail like I did. My legs went numb and they had to literally wheel me out of jail after 18 hours. Finally my ex took me to the hospital and I detoxed for 5 days. Since then I have moved to my own apartment. I have been briefly detoxed 3 times in the emergency room. I used to tolerate a bottle of Vodka or even a 6 pack of beer just fine. But now even after a couple of drinks I suffer so bad mentally and phsically that I can't bear the fire on my skin and the insanity in my head. You are playing with fire. If the people you are with won't help you and you have insurance - or not...please go to the emergency room after your next binge and see what they say to you. You are an alcoholic. Fortunately for me I am going to be locked up in jail. I have not been drunk for days only because I had a prescription for Ativan. Now that is gone and I'm down to Benadryl and Advil for relief. I am only hoping I sleep well tonight. Sleep disturbance will be common the first 6 months. Please get help now before you drink and die. If I would not have been arrested that is what would have happened to me. I would have literally drank myself to death!! This is a scary disease especially when you can't control yourself. Some of us need to be locked up in a hospital, in a treatment center, or in jail just to gain clarity of what we have become. Get help before it is too late. You are not a monster. You are a struggling alcoholic who is scared, out of ideas, and doesn't like what he sees when he looks in the miror. A common thing that happens to most alcoholics. You are not alone.
it is a very bad habbit.