Thanks
:1:
The Paramedic and I met in college, got married at 24. We've been together for over 11 years, married for 8. We had lots of fights, almost divorced a few years ago, over other issues. (I only began running last year, so it's not been a supah huge issue.) Time, patience, and trust have brought us to a much more stable, better level than I ever could have imagined.
When I started running, Mr. elkid was not too supportive, thinking I wouldn't stick with it, but his tune has really changed in the last year. Now he understands the sacrifices I need to make, and notes how much "more pleasant" I am to be around since I'm doing something that brings me so much joy. He even surprises me with running gear or provides the occasional ride to the races downtown. Always treats me to a post-race breakfast when I race in Philly.
I try to run when it won't interfere with Us Time. I run first thing in the morning (he's either working or sleeping) and throw in the occasional evening double (he's either working or sleeping). The only time it truly affects our time together is when I have a race in NYC, but he understands why I do that as well. I married a saint who is so much a better person than me (that recognition also keeps us together, and keeps me working hard to be a better less bitchy person).
To the original question: personal dedication towards a sport does not necessarily translate to dedication to another. Look at Lance Armstrong.
Some clarification for those that are thinking to themselves, "I can see why PH's wife gets mad, he's always out training."...
I always lift in the AM before anyone gets up. My two oldest are in high school and don't need much out of Dad in the AM before they go to school.
After I'm done lifting or riding the trainer, I'll ride in to work. Again, not cutting into anyone else's time. Two oldest are in school and wife and youngest daughter are still in bed when I leave (as they are when I drive to work).
I run about 30 MPW during my lunch hour. Again, this doesn't interfere with any other family members schedule.
When work is over, I'll ride home. It only takes me an extra 20 minutes or so to ride instead of drive. Half the time my wife goes to work at 5:00 so she's not even home when I get home at 6:00. Kids are usually chatting on AIM or at work (except the youngest).
So, Monday through Friday, I've manged to log 3 hrs. of lifting, 30 miles of running and 170 miles of riding with a total time of only 100 minutes (20 extra bike commute minutes x 5 days per week) 'missing' from family time.
On Saturday, I'll get in at least 1 hr. of training before anyone else gets up, sometimes 2 hrs. I may only train for another 1 or so and then I'm done for the day.
Sunday, I'll lift/ride for 2 hrs. before anyone begins to get up for church and then after church, I may only disappear for an hr. or 2 (max.) to run or ride.
I rarely race because a 20 minute race ends up taking 3 hrs. with drive time and waiting for the awards and I can count the number of 50+ mile rides I've done on one hand.
/rant off - sorry
I always lift in the AM before anyone gets up. My two oldest are in high school and don't need much out of Dad in the AM before they go to school.
After I'm done lifting or riding the trainer, I'll ride in to work. Again, not cutting into anyone else's time. Two oldest are in school and wife and youngest daughter are still in bed when I leave (as they are when I drive to work).
I run about 30 MPW during my lunch hour. Again, this doesn't interfere with any other family members schedule.
When work is over, I'll ride home. It only takes me an extra 20 minutes or so to ride instead of drive. Half the time my wife goes to work at 5:00 so she's not even home when I get home at 6:00. Kids are usually chatting on AIM or at work (except the youngest).
So, Monday through Friday, I've manged to log 3 hrs. of lifting, 30 miles of running and 170 miles of riding with a total time of only 100 minutes (20 extra bike commute minutes x 5 days per week) 'missing' from family time.
On Saturday, I'll get in at least 1 hr. of training before anyone else gets up, sometimes 2 hrs. I may only train for another 1 or so and then I'm done for the day.
Sunday, I'll lift/ride for 2 hrs. before anyone begins to get up for church and then after church, I may only disappear for an hr. or 2 (max.) to run or ride.
I rarely race because a 20 minute race ends up taking 3 hrs. with drive time and waiting for the awards and I can count the number of 50+ mile rides I've done on one hand.
/rant off - sorry
wow - i think we're all a bit better off for reading that - it can apply to so many other things in life besides running too.
My running and lifting has always been done early in the morning before work, never disrupted anyones schedule. Only run in 4-6 races a year and in 10+ yrs of racing only once did I bring a family member along (my oldest son attended one a few yrs ago). Didn't ask for anyones support, didn't interfere with anyones schedule. Kids have a lot of respect for me since they both are into competitive sports.
Pebbles just about everthing you said hit home with me! Our circumstances were a little different but... I've cut down a lot on my running lately to do things with the family instead. Go out to dinner, see a movie whatever. My husband still hates it tho. :shrug:
:1:
PH, you shouldn't feel you have to apologize for doing what you do, first of all. It's no one's business to judge anyone for how they live their life. But more important, I am totally impressed at your ability to balance and fit in that amount of training around everything else in your life. I hate doing anything in the morning and I have one hell of a time fitting stuff in to the rest of my day...and I don't have a family to add to the mix. Props to you for being able to DO all that training and have it NOT interfere.....
Pebs, that is the coolest story EVAH! You are awesome, and so is Bam! It does apply, like someone else said, to lots of areas in your life, and even people like me who don't have others to schedule around can relate to that lack of balance thing. I am learning as I get older and wiser that moderation is the key to a happy life, regardless of what it is you can get obsessed over.
Anytime my wife gets uppity with me about my running I set her straight. I cut her off from naps! I did this 3 months ago....I'm still waiting for her to notice
If you'll allow me an amnesty banner, there's a religious positive to lasting marriages I'd like to put on the table. With the nat'l avg marriage survival being 50/50, that percentage goes to 70/30 when couples attend church together and then to 90/10 for those praying together along with going to the church of their choice. Aside from my own religious bias, I think this illustrates the staying power of sharing similar beliefs, outlooks, and attitudes. Sure variety is the spice of life, but being compatible is where the long haul lies. I thank my lucky stars everyday for my wife. Before getting married we took a compatibility test with our pastor and blew the top off the scoring. We get along wonderfully (except for the dishwasher loading) and I can count big disagreements on the fingers of one hand. We're going on 13 years.
As for the running, I'm like many in believing it's a positive. Being a runner means committment, devotion, and passion. I think how a person approaches running can reflect the type of person they are. A sharing, supportive runner is likely the same way to their family. I try to make my running part of our family life. An out of town race most often means a family vacation, doing lots of things with the race being but a few hours of a long weekend or a week vacation. Even with local races, the same thing. Summer races are often near grandparents or other friends and we'll make the race area a picnic get-together or rendezvous point.
Running is also a touchstone for some general attitudes I bring to my marriage. I train so I can be healthy for my family. Racing might be my obsessive hobby, but the daily training is a health message. I don't think I've mentioned it here, but I've told my wife before that utimately the largest reason to run is I'm going to do everything in my power to keep her from burying a husband prematurely. This might not come out the right way, but if I can outlive her and keep her from suffering the sorrow of losing a spouse to some preventible couch disease, every mile will have been worthwhile.
As for the running, I'm like many in believing it's a positive. Being a runner means committment, devotion, and passion. I think how a person approaches running can reflect the type of person they are. A sharing, supportive runner is likely the same way to their family. I try to make my running part of our family life. An out of town race most often means a family vacation, doing lots of things with the race being but a few hours of a long weekend or a week vacation. Even with local races, the same thing. Summer races are often near grandparents or other friends and we'll make the race area a picnic get-together or rendezvous point.
Running is also a touchstone for some general attitudes I bring to my marriage. I train so I can be healthy for my family. Racing might be my obsessive hobby, but the daily training is a health message. I don't think I've mentioned it here, but I've told my wife before that utimately the largest reason to run is I'm going to do everything in my power to keep her from burying a husband prematurely. This might not come out the right way, but if I can outlive her and keep her from suffering the sorrow of losing a spouse to some preventible couch disease, every mile will have been worthwhile.
I totally agree with Genie. Ph we have talked about this in the past and
I think you make a great effort to try and accomodate your family.....Same for you, Rob, Akern...
BUT---
Unfortunately it may not be the time spent doing the activity.
Ask yourself these questions...
Have you lost weight in the past year?
Do you look better than you did a year ago?
Do you feel better than you did a year ago?
Have you gone to bed early more than once so you can get up for a run or race?
Have you changed your eating habits?
Have you changed your daily routine to accomodate your running, biking etc.?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then you have changed.
And you know sometimes--- we all hate change!
And change is NOT a bad thing, but to a spouse it means we are different. And I think, for some people this can be very scary--like--Who is this person? What are you going to change next???
Also, if we LOOK better (turning head with those muscle :naughty: ) than we did when we got married, I think that also can have an effect on a relationship. So, to make a long story short, it may not be the actual running(although in my case it was :? ) but what the running may transformed us into--does that make sense?
BTW--sorry to start controversy, it's was not my intention since I was just talking about my own personal experience.
I think you make a great effort to try and accomodate your family.....Same for you, Rob, Akern...
BUT---
Unfortunately it may not be the time spent doing the activity.
Ask yourself these questions...
Have you lost weight in the past year?
Do you look better than you did a year ago?
Do you feel better than you did a year ago?
Have you gone to bed early more than once so you can get up for a run or race?
Have you changed your eating habits?
Have you changed your daily routine to accomodate your running, biking etc.?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then you have changed.
And you know sometimes--- we all hate change!
And change is NOT a bad thing, but to a spouse it means we are different. And I think, for some people this can be very scary--like--Who is this person? What are you going to change next???
Also, if we LOOK better (turning head with those muscle :naughty: ) than we did when we got married, I think that also can have an effect on a relationship. So, to make a long story short, it may not be the actual running(although in my case it was :? ) but what the running may transformed us into--does that make sense?
BTW--sorry to start controversy, it's was not my intention since I was just talking about my own personal experience.
You'd think a spouse would be all for a partner that looks, feels and eats better. Who knows though. :shrug:
Wouldn't you be happier if BamBam went from this...
I'm thinking you would.
Wouldn't you be happier if BamBam went from this...
I'm thinking you would.
I don't think you started controversy at all, I think this is a really cool forum for discussion about something that affects, or has affected, a lot of us in different ways.
And honestly, I was trying to formulate a way to say just what you did in your last post. From the counselor's POV, you are dead on with the change thing. I've seen in working with patients, as well as some of my friends and in my own past relationships, that the running itself is really not always the cause of the problem where it seems to "interfere" (assuming the person, like PH does, makes every effort to accommodate and work around the family) but rather the catalyst for a crisis on the part of the spouse/SO in reaction to how their partner has changed. Perhaps someone did lose weight, looks different, or in general has a better, more positive self image than they did before they started running/working out, and the SO feels threatened in some way by this change. Often, their own feelings of inadequacy, "is he/she going to think I'm fat and unattractive now because I don't run and they do?" "boy, there sure are a lot of hot guys/girls in that running group....wonder if he/she comes home and compares me to them?" Stuff like that. Which is THEIR issue, not yours, but it does make life hell.
I was guilty of that, to some point, when I was with my ex. Ironically, I was in a lot better physical shape then than I am now, but mentally I was a mess. He did a real number on my psyche and self-esteem, and coupled with the fact that so did my mother most of my life, I was in big trouble. I was a lot younger then, and didn't have a lot of positive, supportive people in my life like I do now, that would counteract the horrid and demeaning things he used to say to me, and so I believed them, and constantly wondered, "well, if I am so awful then he's GOT to be running around, or at least looking for somewhere else to go" and I ended up misinterpreting a lot of his interactions with women, which probably were, for the most part, harmless, as "aha!! so THAT's his new babe....no wonder, she's way prettier and thinner than I am." and life was miserable, despite the fact that I was in the midst of an ED and was thinner than almost everyone I knew at that point.
I'm not saying anyone here is doing that, because you are all way better and kinder people than that a-hole was, but from the POV of the spouse, who may not have the highest level of self-esteem themselves, the changes in you could be part of the problem and they are just using your actual running or whatever to attack because they can't admit they are threatened by your success at it and all the good things that come with a healthy lifestyle. In my long winded way, I basically am agreeing that what Pebs says could be the root of the issue, not the running itself.
And jrjo makes another very good point, whether religion itself factors into your particular situation or not, compatibility should, and if the compatibility wasn't there to begin with, the growth that comes with change will only further serve to widen the gap that was already there.
5 cents please....;)
And honestly, I was trying to formulate a way to say just what you did in your last post. From the counselor's POV, you are dead on with the change thing. I've seen in working with patients, as well as some of my friends and in my own past relationships, that the running itself is really not always the cause of the problem where it seems to "interfere" (assuming the person, like PH does, makes every effort to accommodate and work around the family) but rather the catalyst for a crisis on the part of the spouse/SO in reaction to how their partner has changed. Perhaps someone did lose weight, looks different, or in general has a better, more positive self image than they did before they started running/working out, and the SO feels threatened in some way by this change. Often, their own feelings of inadequacy, "is he/she going to think I'm fat and unattractive now because I don't run and they do?" "boy, there sure are a lot of hot guys/girls in that running group....wonder if he/she comes home and compares me to them?" Stuff like that. Which is THEIR issue, not yours, but it does make life hell.
I was guilty of that, to some point, when I was with my ex. Ironically, I was in a lot better physical shape then than I am now, but mentally I was a mess. He did a real number on my psyche and self-esteem, and coupled with the fact that so did my mother most of my life, I was in big trouble. I was a lot younger then, and didn't have a lot of positive, supportive people in my life like I do now, that would counteract the horrid and demeaning things he used to say to me, and so I believed them, and constantly wondered, "well, if I am so awful then he's GOT to be running around, or at least looking for somewhere else to go" and I ended up misinterpreting a lot of his interactions with women, which probably were, for the most part, harmless, as "aha!! so THAT's his new babe....no wonder, she's way prettier and thinner than I am." and life was miserable, despite the fact that I was in the midst of an ED and was thinner than almost everyone I knew at that point.
I'm not saying anyone here is doing that, because you are all way better and kinder people than that a-hole was, but from the POV of the spouse, who may not have the highest level of self-esteem themselves, the changes in you could be part of the problem and they are just using your actual running or whatever to attack because they can't admit they are threatened by your success at it and all the good things that come with a healthy lifestyle. In my long winded way, I basically am agreeing that what Pebs says could be the root of the issue, not the running itself.
And jrjo makes another very good point, whether religion itself factors into your particular situation or not, compatibility should, and if the compatibility wasn't there to begin with, the growth that comes with change will only further serve to widen the gap that was already there.
5 cents please....;)
within the past 3 years of losing weight and getting in shape, the mrs. has become more suspicious of my reasons for doing so. it has caused problems with the relationship. about a year and a half into the changes for me, I caught myself in a store mirror and didn't recognize myself. It hit me pretty hard, so how hard that must be for the spouse??? looking at a stranger everyday. I'd like for mrs. keltic to keep going with her life, to find something she really enjoys, and find something that makes her happy. BUT I can't do that for her, she has to find it herself. Painful for both sides, I'd say.