I am going to her house tomorrow, and she said that I could lick her out and finger her, how do I do it?
Well i would say the first thing to remember is that you need to ease into it a little bit I am guessing she has let you rub her down below if she is letting you lick and finger her so i would say start with what you know and just ease your way into that situation so i would say just start off with the usual stuff rub her a little bit then put your hand into her underwear and keep rubbing her so she is ready then i would say when you think she is ready and you think the time is right to put a finger in slowly and not to far in and just move it around and if you want after awhile you can try going deeper then i would say if she seems like she still wants to go farther take off her panties have her on her back and spread her legs but make sure she still feels she is ready and if she seems like she is then you can go for it i hope i helped but i am just a babbling buffoon sometimes so i hope i helped you
I just happen to have written someone else on this topic. You are doing better on this many others. Many are reluctant to get started. These are rather long and cover a variety of topics, but I don't have time to edit them down. I do think they will give you some ideas. The first is more towards the giver of the "most intimate kiss", the 2d the receiver. But they cross and were meant to go together. Please ignore the advice that was specifically meant for the other person. They will be posted in a few minutes.
Part 1
Let me preface this by saying I am sorry how long this has taken me. I have very little experience in actually writing these things down. Normally these would be part a conversation. So I am new to this and I have found this to be immensely challenging. I have never been a good writer. I imagine this is poorly constructed and not in the best order. Also I tend to discuss things that may seem like they don't belong. This is because all of this is interrelated and are an important part of the whole. There is so much missing as it is. I will try to do better to compartmentalize. A worse problem is I talk too much.
Your last post indicated he is reluctant, actually it looks more like he refuses, to expand your sex lives and make both of your sexual experiences as fulfilling it could be. I would like to address part of that issue today, so I am going to focus on cunninlingus to help men learn about it. This is a lead in the next post, which I actually wrote first. Well, most of it actually. There are some things I need to adjust to link these better, but is mostly done.
I am in no way intending to suggest her pleasure is more important than his, they are both very important. Many men already know a great deal about oral sex for her and this post does not apply to them. (Although I would suggest sex is an ongoing learning process without end.) Some comments are meant for men who are reluctant and some for those who don't even want to try. Please remember that this is not for the vast majority of men who are interested in satisfying their partner, and I mean no disrespect. Perhaps there will be something useful here for you as well.
As to the original topic, I will being posting some techniques that can increase the sensation of size in the near future. These will not involve any "tightening" concoctions, which I would not recommend using.
And before going on, I want to emphasize one of the most basic and yet most important part of sharing sexually, communication. Communicating is always very important regardless of what you do together. It is critical if you want to learn how best to please your partner. Yet this is something we often do not do. I think this may be a leftover from older sex taboos. Without going into details it went something like this:
He must appear confident and knowledgeable about sex so he can calm the frightened innocent and guide her into sex, although he himself only learned about it the night before. She dare not speak of sex at all or he may accuse her of being impure and a w****.
Whatever the reason, this is something we need to get past. When it comes to pleasing your partner, the best resource is your partner. Use it!
Studies have shown as many as 70% of women do not achieve orgasm through penetrative sex alone. The vast majority of women require additional stimulation of their clitoris in order to climax. I say additional because "internal orgasms" are actually a result of clitoral stimulation from inside the vagina or anus. Making sure she is fully aroused combined with a little knowledge of female anatomy - which really does help - might be able to improve this. Mental/emotional stimulation is also very important for women, it is often said that a woman's largest sexual organ is her brain. (Actually they this about men too.) This is something men have a hard time understanding since they don't work that way.
Many women think there is something wrong with them, that maybe they are broken, because they aren't orgasming from penetration. This raises the question of why a natural biological fact - widely understood medically - which affects such a large portion of our population is so misunderstood? Our media just about universally shows women in the throws of ecstasy from penetration only and that teaches us - falsely - that this is what sex is and it should routinely result her reaching climax.
If you care for your partner and want them to fully enjoy sex with you, you need to pay attention to her needs as well as yours. Let's put to rest the idea that sex only revolves around the penis (there are exercises to help with this). Women enjoy variety just as much as you do. As the statistics above show, the penis alone may not be enough to fully satisfy your partner. There are numerous ways to enhance your partner's pleasure as well as your own.
One of the most effective and desired techniques is cunninlingus, oral sex for women. This can provide some of the most intense, mind blowing, toe curling orgasms she has ever had. It has a good chance of being her first orgasm as well. With our culture's obsession with penile penetration, and the difficulty for so many woman to climax from that penetration, there are many women who have never had an orgasm before. (Wouldn't it be wonderful if you were the first to give her one? Not that this is guaranteed to bring her to climax, there are many factors to orgasm.) This is a very intimate act that shows great respect for her needs and dedication to her well-being.
Just as fellatio can be done at any stage of sex, so can cunninlingus. It is wonderful just by itself. It is great for foreplay. You can use it mid-session to keep the intensity hot. It can also be used at the end as a relaxing way to cool down, or to help finish her off if she did not climax prior or would just like another one. To shorten the list, lets just say it is great at any time. A good exercise in learning how to please is to spend at least one whole day for her only (although she could help him along after she is done, but only after.)
There are benefits for you as well. Many men find cunnilingus incredibly arousing. Seeing her respond with pleasure at his touch can be intoxicating! Not only can it excite her and get her warmed up, it can do the same for you. I am not saying you are just going to love it from the get go. At first, you may need some time to get accustomed to it. But it gets better and better. Surely you have commonly heard talk about how wonderful it can be for men? And if you need another incentive, not only will she appreciate it, she may very well have ideas on how she can reward you!
Not sure how to proceed? Do some research. There are lot of great books available at bookstores and even at your local library. Something to look for is material about from the women's point of view. There is also a lot of information online, just be careful what source you are using and you should confirm it if you can. Just as with books, don't limit yourself to sources geared solely for men, women know what they like and often discuss sex just as men do. A real important way to learn is to ask her. She is an expert on what pleases her. There are a variety of ways you could go about this, but that is for a future discussion,
What if she doesn't know either? Try something and see how she responds. Then try something else then ask what she really liked and what worked the best for her. A bit of mutual experimentation and exploration can be an enjoyable erotic exercise, it certainly can be fun. Do remember to be gentle (unless she tells you otherwise), you may like rough sex but you should ensure she does as well before trying it. A woman might tolerate it for your benefit but it may not be very pleasurable for her and even a total turnoff. You want her to want to have sex with you again sometime in the future.
Here are a few suggestions. Try different things. Ask how she likes to be touched, ask her if she is willing to show you how she masturbates. She may enjoy you exploring her sex as your mouth massages other sensitive areas. Reverse it and massage with your fingers while exploring her sex with your mouth and tongue. Combine it, with one hand exploring inside stroking the upper portion of her vagina 1" to 2" in, with your finger(s) making a come hither motion to stimulate her g-spot, combined with oral massage, and with your other hand up top lightly pulling back to make her clitoral shaft (be very careful not over expose, ask her what feels good) slightly more exposed for your tongue to caress her vulva and around her now more exposed clitoris and sometimes the clitoris itself, alternating occasional massage with the top hand along he vulva. (A quick note about the clitoris, it can be very sensitive and the sensation can be too much or it may hurt. If you are not careful you might bruise it. Communicate with her about what she likes.) Some women like anal play as additional stimulation but do not assume. If she likes it, this does not necessarily mean she wants insertion, she will either let you know or you can ask. Likewise, anal play does not mean she wants penile penetration. Let her tell you or ask her.
If you are reluctant out of concern about something, like taste or smell, there are things that can be done to address these issues and improve your comfort. Let me know if you need some suggestions. A willingness to try goes a long way.
If you just don't want to do it, is that fair? You should be giving as good as you are getting. If she won't reciprocate then maybe you have a point. But if she does for you then you should do for her.
Consider this: A blow job has almost become a standard these days. Not always to completion, but used in foreplay and off and on throughout. But when it is taken to completion, a woman is typically expected to allow him to cum in her mouth if that is his desire, furthermore, she should be willing to swallow it. Sometimes a woman is expected to allow rough thrusting in her mouth and into her throat, with control of depth and duration solely in his hands, often called a face f*.
Quite a few woman willingly - enthusiastically even - provide blow jobs, many do allow him to come in her mouth, and a growing number are willing to swallow. And there are women who will go along with face f*'ing. Some really enjoy these activities but many enjoy it simply because you enjoy it. Your joy becomes hers. They want to please you, enjoy pleasing you, and are often willing to go the extra mile for you.
If a woman is willing to do this for you, why would you not do it for her as well? You get it all but she gets nothing? Despite the fact she enjoys variety and oral sex just as much as you? Do you think this is fair or right? Many men take pride in being a good lover. I've got news for you, if you are not willing to consider her needs and do everything in your power to make sex the best it can be for her - and by extension you, then you are not a good lover. In fact, you are the opposite of a good lover. For a quick test, are you giving as well as you are getting?
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Because it is closely related to this post, the next post will discuss ways she can help get it started. Then we will get to enhancing the sensation of size. If you have any suggestions or experiences you would like to share, please post them. How I could do a better job would is much appreciated.
Part 2
It sounds like he has been given a lot of misinformation - no surprise, men usually get their initial knowledge from their friends and porn. You might consider asking him to read the information I wrote earlier. Maybe that would help. It depends on what kind of guy he is, it might be more than his ego can stand. What really concerns me is if he is abusive. I am not suggesting he is, you have not indicated this is happening, but it is a potential factor and should be mentioned. It doesn't fit here so I will make only a short plea: For those women in abusive situations, please get out and go to woman's shelter and seek counseling. You do not deserve this, there is help, and you do not have to live this way.
In addition to being misinformed, I believe he has a problem with self image and esteem. You have undoubtedly seen a lot of articles by now where these issues are discussed in order to help women improve their lives, sex included. So I know that you are aware of the negative pressures our society places on women. This is a common problem for women. What isn't commonly recognized is this is also a common problem for men, just in different ways. Good luck with getting them to admit it, though. (Quick clarification: Men have the benefit of privilege in our culture, this is an immense advantage. I do not mean equate the experiences between the two.)
A good example is penis size. This topic greatly affects men and it really does have long ranging consequences. It certainly is a good part of why men behave the way they do. And since size is part of the issue here, it is especially important we discuss it a bit. I have written up what I think will be an enlightening post. But it does not fit well with our focus today. I just need to clean it up and write an opening, so you can expect to see it soon. I really hope you will read it.
Having mentioned a few issues I think are affecting his behavior, I honestly don't know how to address it. Suggesting ways you can help motivate him to expand his sexual repertoire is one thing. How to deal with interpersonal issues in a relationship is another. If the problems are significant, counseling should be considered. But it can be difficult to get him to go with you. If he just won't work with you regarding sex and your relationship, then I think you are looking at a failing relationship. Possibly even an unhealthy one.
Discussing sex with him can be difficult for a number of reasons, not just his behavior. Women are often uncomfortable talking about sex and really uncomfortable telling him what they want. Due to double standards, women have been called a s***, w****, any number of other names if they have the audacity of wanting to enjoy sex. Yet men are praised for the very same thing. I think this is changing but it seems to be changing at an awfully slow pace. Hold on a second...
A quick note to the guys: Come on guys, this is not only wrong but stupid. It is so obviously a double standard without any merit, this should have stopped a while ago. I know most of you don't believe this c**p but we need to call others on it when it happens.
Everybody:: Sex is about mutual respect, pleasure, and satisfaction and a woman has every much a right to these as any man. Play well together and the rewards can be indescribable.
Thanks, continuing on...
Let me reinforce this: Sex is about mutual respect, pleasure, and satisfaction and a woman has every much a right to these as any man. This should be obvious and beyond debate. I doubt he disagrees with this, yet because of our cultural taboos, many (most?) of them don't realize (yet) what that means. The reasons for this would take a book (or two, or three) to cover properly and fairly. It means that sometimes you are going to have to insist on your sexual rights. I know that is not easy. Understatement. If you like, we can discuss scenarios of how this might go.
With male egos it can be difficult to tell a man what you would like him to do without hurting his feelings. However, if he truly cares about you and wants to bring you pleasure, he should be very attentive. He should be eager to learn how better to bring you the same joy and pleasure he receives from you. (Although in reality there is some give and take, your sexual enjoyment is not always going to be as much as his, and vice versa. There is going to be some give & take. This applies with power play as well,) If he does not then that is a strong indicator that he is not mature enough for a serious relationship. Either that or he is a self-centered jackass. Whichever applies.
In regards to cunninlingus, how you approach this depends on your relationship and your assessment of his maturity. If you have a relationship of trust where you can discuss just about anything, then you should be able to level with him. Some other ideas that should get him to give this some effort includes telling him you had this erotic dream where he went down on you and it was just so incredible! You had an immense orgasm! You would really like to make that dream a reality. Or it can be put as a fantasy, you have always had this fantasy about a guy going down on you, bringing you to orgasm with his mouth and tongue combined with his stroking your clit and exploring your sex with his fingers. If a guy doesn't jump on that he is an id**t! Or maybe not into women.
Guys really don't know what to expect at first when giving head to a woman despite all they have been told by others. So he may very well be gun shy about it. There are some things you can do to make it easier for him. Hygiene is critical. We all smell as the day progresses which can turn off someone new to this. A shower before engaging in it will make it easier. There are a few related suggestions a little further in.
The next biggest thing he needs is feedback. He doesn't know what feels good to you, and most likely he is afraid to ask and that you'll think him totally clueless, and if it appears like you aren't really enjoying it, they are not likely to try again. When he does something you like, tell him or show him by your reactions. If he needs more help, you can guide him. Take his hand and rub yourself with it in a way you enjoy. Take his head in hand and guide him to the right spot, tell him lustfully right there, right there! (You may do this anyway if you climax.) If you manage not to laugh, a bit of dirty talk can go along way. Ask those who do it regularly, they will tell how good it can work.
For those who noticed, yes, sometimes it involves a little acting. Because you don't want to hurt his feelings, you do this to help guide him. A bit of acting is also used for really great sex, both men and women can use it. Most people don't make much noise during sex, but porn has us trained to expect certain sounds. Taking the pleasure you already have and exhibiting it just a little more enthusiastically, is all it takes and it is often a big boost in sexual intensity. Done at the right time, it can push your partner, male or female, over the edge into orgasm. I don't mean faking it. Unless you are a professional, I really don't think that is a good idea at all. You are simply telling your partner how much you enjoy what he is doing through other means. Just be sure not to overdo it.
To show how men can do this as well, let me give a simple example. While he going down on you, trying to please, perhaps using some of the techniques mentioned earlier, instead of only concentrating on what he is doing, he might want to moan and hum a bit. Oh, yes, women can be given hummers as well, and they really can turn up the heat. The moaning should be just loud enough that she can barely tell. You want this to be more subconscious than conscious, As long as you don't think he's hurt, it can be a real turn on. If necessary, he will just reassure and demonstrate he is much more than ok.(Usually when a woman stops to see if he is ok, it is because she is not used to, or have never heard, a guy moaning except when he is the beneficiary.) There are many ways to hum and different places to do it. I like to work it in with a little moaning, not constantly, building a rhythm with the sensation of touch, sound, and vibration. There is a good chance you won't even notice he is humming, because it is not constant and it is worked into the rhythm, the sound hidden by the gentle moans of pleasure he is making. Again, I never recommend faking it, faking often doesn't work because it isn't believable. For the technique I just mentioned, he should really enjoy cunninlingus or it won't nearly be as good. The sounds and vibration might be there, but the touch just won't be anywhere near the same. The real deal is hard to miss and has physiological reactions that cannot be hidden if you care to look. The good news is after a little experience, many men, maybe even most, start to love doing it and they start showing the same reactions.
Now that I think about it, maybe I should have put this in the men's section? I hadn't written it yet. If you would like him to try it, you could cut and paste for it for him. . This is just one technique, there are many more.. Really the only limit is the imagination. This is an why he should be willing to give you oral sex, the pleasure can be shared in so many ways, he should want to please you. This, and many other sex techniques, are important for your sexual health and maintaining a loving sexual relationship. If necessary, you may have to insist on your sexual rights. A quick note for those of you who have been taught the vagina is smelly, gross, whatever; I urge you to give it a try, I think you will be amazed.
I need to insert a correction here. I said faking instead is not a good idea, but there are a few situations where it can work well. An obvious example is roleplay, but I mean in actual sex, not just playing a role. There are some fantasies where this is required if you want to go an extra mile or two for your partner. He should be willing to do the same for you. I won't go into those here.
About taste and smell:
Each woman has her own smell and taste, and these change as her hormones change, meaning there is some fluctuation during your menstrual cycle. This can be neutral, kind of sweet, and sometimes slightly tart. These are all good, I assure you.
But there are some things which can make the taste more strongly tart, almost a twang. Hygiene is the key here but it is more than just taking a shower every day. (I know you already know this, I am just stating the obvious.) We all sweat, and since we have reached puberty, there are odors and even taste involved. I imagine you have already noticed how this affects your partner's taste and smell. A quick shower, preferably together so you can play and tease each other, will alleviate these problems.
So what if you don't have time to take a shower before sex? Most of the time it is not nearly as bad as you fear it to be. But if needed, it actually isn't difficult to remove most of this. Go to the bathroom for a few minutes and air out your pants and undergarments. The sweat odor will dissipate quickly. This helps how you taste as well since a lot of test is actually smell. That is why you often hold your nose when have to drink something yucky. If it wasn't related to smell then holding your nose would do nothing. Take a damp cloth, paper towel, toilet paper, or even your damp fingers if you have nothing else, and rinse the area he is going to be intimately involved with. Don't do too much. You don't want damp clothes, and unless you are really in need of a bath, it really doesn't take much. While you are there, if you have trouble with lubricating sufficiently on your own, this would be a good time to take a small dab of lube and insert it into your vagina. This will help with the lubrication if you don't want to deal with the issue in his presence and he will never know. Actually, it will probably turn him on further. Why you ask? One of the signs of sexual excitement is the wetness released around your vagina, natural lubrication in preparation for sex. When he reaches down to play with you and stimulate you he will feel how wet you are, a sure sign you are really turned on by him! He doesn't need to know the details.
If needed, a guy with a little experience can handle the issue well himself. First he does what he can reduce his sweat buildup and smell just like I mentioned for women. Then as the couple begins making love, if the woman has taken her clothes off the sweat odor has already had a chance to dissipate. If she has her pants on still, he can help undress her and kiss her, play with and suck on her breasts or her belly, whatever goodies are available, allowing the trapped air to escape. Now he may still encounter the actual sweat still covering her body. But that is removed with simple lick or two and any tart flavor present is now gone. It is all pleasant and wonderful from there on out and he never has to say or do anything that might embarrass her.
I wasn't sure where to put this, originally it was going to be in front. But there were things coming up that I thought might be good to cover first. Then I couldn't figure out a good place. I have covered a lot of information without really saying much directly to you and I should. So I am going to do this now.
I am still not sure what the underlying problems really are. It has not been clarified if the perceived problem is that he is too small, or that you are too loose, or if he just needs an education, or what have you.
I got a bit distracted when I found out he doesn't want to try. That concerns me. I don't understand why he would not at least try. I would bet he has expectations for you, like I mentioned in my last epistle. I can't see how it could be healthy to be in a relationship where he apparently doesn't care about your needs.
Without more information to go on, I have been working on the idea it is a sex education issue on one side, and fear of taste/smell on the other, and self image problems leading to the behavior you described. He may be afraid of failure, he may not have been successful from lack of experience and couldn't admit it. I am kinda leaning that direction. Using positive encouragement would be a good suggestion but my impression is he is not someone who can handle discussing what would help because he would simply take it as criticism. The positive encouragement and some oohs and ahhs, while unobtrusively guiding him might do the trick. Success breeds success. Couples counseling or seeing a sex therapist would be good to try. If he loves you and wants to work it out he will go. (Nothing says uh oh like being told you want to go to counseling.)
If he is just not going to do it, you have to decide if he worth keeping. You obviously love him (that might be waning) or you wouldn't be here seeking advice. If you really want to keep him you would be faced with two options (very simplified): #1 Let it go and hope it will get better somehow, or # 2 Lay down the law and insist on your sexual rights. Of course, if you take option # 2 and he still won't, you can go back to # 1 or you can kick him out. After all that, I would have to suggest option # 2.
Up next the penis problem, then dealing with size.
And some supporting information about female anatomy and physiology
I want to share with you some information I posted else where. It applies in many situations and is just good to know. It will introduce you to things about you body that you may not have learned yet. Many women of all ages have not been told anything about it. It will also show why foreplay and building intensity is so important for women. The degree of your arousal directly effects your sexual organs ability to feel pleasure in a way that men do not experience. There is also a really good short educational film mentioned, done by an artist. I would recommend it to everyone. Men need to understand this as well so they can use the knowledge to better please you. A little understanding really can go a long way if you practice it. The text is inserted next:
While we are talking about orgasms, learning a little about your body can go a long way towards helping you achieve one. As I have written elsewhere, the clitoris is like a iceberg, the majority of it is below the surface and it gets much bigger as your arousal increases. This is because the clitoris is made of erectile tissue that engorges with blood as your arousal progresses, similar to what the penis does but below the skin instead of above it. The clitoris has sections that reach down deep into your tissues that are often called "legs" because of their shape. These can be massaged through the walls of the vagina or anus but that might be difficult to do under normal instances. When fully engorged, however, the inner clitoral tissues have enlarged so that it is much easier to stimulate them internally. (We can discuss the where and how later.)
This is why it is so important take the necessary time for foreplay and to become fully aroused. Although only 35% percent of women routinely have orgasms from penile penetration, most of them want to be able to do that. Your best bet for this is when you are aroused enough that his penis is better able to massage the clitoris from the inside. (The g spot for example, but there are others.) Don't get your hopes up too far, though. It may be your best shot but the reality remains that the majority of women need more than that to reach orgasm.
A really good short, non-pornographic, video about the structure of your clitoris is called "The Internal Clitoris" and it can be found on YouTube. I don't know the rules on using links, but you can find this by searching for "youtube the internal clitoris". Most likely it will be the first link. It is just over 3 minutes long and it really is worth your time. Further research on this can open a path to greater sexual enjoyment. You might consider searching for terms like: clitoris, clitoral legs, urethral sponge, female prostrate, and g spot just to start.
Internal Clitoris
I hope this information proves at least of some help. Some good techniques are covered and should provide a good starting point.
Sorry, I am in a real big hurry, so this is all rushed and crammed together. Bu I wanted to make emphasize a few things.
I know I posted a bunch here, but let me say how happy I am to finally see a "young whippersnapper" who wants to please his/her partner and use one of the most important sexual techniques. There is much more to sex than penile penetration. Some of this is covered in part 1 of what I wrote.
Pay attention to what she likes, communicate, ask her what feels good. Never assume what may have worked for x is going to work for y, it often doesn't. If she gets to the sweet spot, try really hard not to change from the rhythm that is working at that moment. Your muscles are not conditioned for this yet so both of you must realize it will take time and practice to get it just right. If you can bring to orgasm, you will be presented with an incredible treat as she reacts to your touch. Sometimes you have to chase them across the bed to maintain contact as their body goes into an immense orgasm! Don't worry too much if this doesn't happen right away. Remember it takes practice.
Each woman smells and tastes differently than others, and changes according to her cycle. In cases where a shower immediately before can not be done, pay close attention to the technique a guy can use to deal with sweat odor/taste without embarrassing her in any way. This is in part 2.
Most odor is just trapped air, let it air out, engage in plenty of foreplay to get her fully aroused why she has the clothes off, this will do the job. Sweat particles and similar that give a tart or even sharp twang require a few good licks and it will be clean and no longer a problem. You do it this way so as not to embarrass her. Most likely you won't need to worry at all. Taking a shower together and teasing each other is great way to take care of any issues and get the blood pumping.
The taste may take a little getting used to, just as many things do. Believe me, it gets better and better and better...
This is well worth your time to learn and master. It shows you care about their pleasure and needs. Women will love you for this and they very often want to share the joys are give special rewards.
Gotta run. Good luck!