Thankyou Katy: I am scheduled for surgery on the 28th! so NOT looking forward to it. He told me to get bangs!!!!!! As I am going to have one hell of a scar or scars!!!! So I had a little panic attack while being there. So I think I'm going to treat myself to a new haircut = PROPER highlights, and a manicure pedicure!! He said I CAN'T get upset after the surgery, I can't raise my blood pressure at all!!! And that I cannot exert myself in anyway or lower my head!!!!!!!!! o.O You are younger than me - hell I'm old enough to technically be your mother, but when I was in my prime - I did quite well in getting guys!!! So since my "glory" days I've gotten used to the fact that I am now married almost 20 years, I have 2 teenagers, I am middleaged and have a fat flap!!!! o.O XD ;-) And I was sort of OK with that - still being hard on myself of course, due to the fact that I don't recognize myself - BUT now I WILL have reasons to be really upset the way I will look. I think I will be like a freak!!! So I'm really upset, and I can't get my head around it. I probably can't go on holidays again!!! - this is 3 years in a row I haven't gone anywhere. And I am BUMMED!!!!! I know it's superficial of me, and there's others in worse positions, but I feel like c**p right now!!
So I know you will understand when I say, "lets talk about you!" How's things, and how you feeling today, and did the B phone the woman?
So I know you will understand when I say, "lets talk about you!" How's things, and how you feeling today, and did the B phone the woman?
Hi dawn- Ive an Income support benefit appointmetn in half an hour. Not looking forward to it as I have to prove I am single and it will be difficult considering he is still in this flat.
I quizzed him last night and the Ba@@@@d did not phone my housing officer >:( In fact, told me...to "f O and , that tough"
@ years ago I had a bang to the head...I didnt know you had to get stitches, so now I have a HUGE scar on te left side of my face...I used rose hip olil and bio oil to try and heal it better-they helped a little, and like you say-you are the one who is hardest on yourself, so enjoy the new highlights. I undersatnd why your bummed about it though. and its a constant reminder of your illness...(Like my scar isa constant reminder of HIIM)
Do you have to have any of the other things????
I dont think he has any intention of miving ( I think Ive caughten on to that o.O >;) 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| )..and in all honesty, the housing officer stated they WOULD NOT rehouse him, Hed be left in this flat..My kids home 3 bedrooms , and all nicely furnished by my family and myself-MIND YOU HE ALWAYS WAS A SCRANNED, AND HES STILL AT IT
i got so upset with him last night, he makes me want to vomit sometimes. but Ive out on masses of weight, and last night stupidly had 2 bottles of wine and some garlic food, so i stink today and I was just so upset, plus fogot to take pill yesterday and that s the second time this week, i dont think its strong enough, and I really want to take my fat arse to hospital and detox...I dont feel well...I was ready to slit my wrists last night, I wanted to end it. Ive had enough of him and my family though I love my children, but there poison, I spnet so much of my 20s around all his family his ex sister in law fundamentally took over with her family and became 90percent center of attention. and shed look after my babies, and I know she was only triyng to help but now doent talk to me, and I just think sod this, astop spending time with people that do not give a flying sh*t about me, and really fed up ....I hated that time,,,I was young and had lovely babies, but everyone else stepped in a dn toll ove hyet i was more capablle then thatn ever and id get really upset , afterall they were the quality years, yet all these strangers, chipping in and trying to "help", then now when things get a little difficult and the hildren are no longer as "cute or as obviously cute, no outsider helps, and really id like to kill him. ..Even his brother ststed then that he should get his finger out his bottom...ok, got to go,,,,dont worry about the scar......they can get hidden...Ill speak later Ive got to go for appointment. tkae care of you, Katy ( soory for the rant)
I quizzed him last night and the Ba@@@@d did not phone my housing officer >:( In fact, told me...to "f O and , that tough"
@ years ago I had a bang to the head...I didnt know you had to get stitches, so now I have a HUGE scar on te left side of my face...I used rose hip olil and bio oil to try and heal it better-they helped a little, and like you say-you are the one who is hardest on yourself, so enjoy the new highlights. I undersatnd why your bummed about it though. and its a constant reminder of your illness...(Like my scar isa constant reminder of HIIM)
Do you have to have any of the other things????
I dont think he has any intention of miving ( I think Ive caughten on to that o.O >;) 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| )..and in all honesty, the housing officer stated they WOULD NOT rehouse him, Hed be left in this flat..My kids home 3 bedrooms , and all nicely furnished by my family and myself-MIND YOU HE ALWAYS WAS A SCRANNED, AND HES STILL AT IT
i got so upset with him last night, he makes me want to vomit sometimes. but Ive out on masses of weight, and last night stupidly had 2 bottles of wine and some garlic food, so i stink today and I was just so upset, plus fogot to take pill yesterday and that s the second time this week, i dont think its strong enough, and I really want to take my fat arse to hospital and detox...I dont feel well...I was ready to slit my wrists last night, I wanted to end it. Ive had enough of him and my family though I love my children, but there poison, I spnet so much of my 20s around all his family his ex sister in law fundamentally took over with her family and became 90percent center of attention. and shed look after my babies, and I know she was only triyng to help but now doent talk to me, and I just think sod this, astop spending time with people that do not give a flying sh*t about me, and really fed up ....I hated that time,,,I was young and had lovely babies, but everyone else stepped in a dn toll ove hyet i was more capablle then thatn ever and id get really upset , afterall they were the quality years, yet all these strangers, chipping in and trying to "help", then now when things get a little difficult and the hildren are no longer as "cute or as obviously cute, no outsider helps, and really id like to kill him. ..Even his brother ststed then that he should get his finger out his bottom...ok, got to go,,,,dont worry about the scar......they can get hidden...Ill speak later Ive got to go for appointment. tkae care of you, Katy ( soory for the rant)
Yes, I nkow you must be thinking 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| :-S when I said "dont worry about the scar" I know it will be your scar, but we are our own worst enemies and tend to be tenxs harder on ourselves than anyone else...well in my case maybe not.... We are vack to the I want go till you sign those forms Katy and not even giving me a date.
How embarassing, posted on a forum last night and you can tell I was melted...I ate like a pig too and stink of garlic. Then this morning, I couldnt remeber if I tok my pill as I was all nervous about interview...Got to the benefits place, and they calculated my benefit..OMG I know I said Id be better offf, but erm sxteen pounds a week doesnt really make the bus fare rides, not that I am ungratefu or anything. Honestly I jusyt want this guy out my life before I am the one with the prison sentence. anyway, just took a pill l just now and wondering if Ive allready had one...hmmmm. and counted how many I have eft and I have 14 left....i got them on the 14th july..this is the 24th of july, so where have the other 4 gone???????Do you think hes been putting them in my food, that it I am gong to hide them lock and key...Im sure hes trying to poison me..He said last night that he thinks I am bipolar,,,as he says one minute your greeting all over the place, even when you havent had a drink for days and then the next you swing from the lights, spend like a firigging millionaire, and then get depressed that I dont have a good job" Then he continues and when are you going to do something with your hair,,by this stage I was ...RIGHTT thats it...I had children with this man and they are all the same so I got completely smashed....yes i bottle and 2 glasses later and then postered a really embarassing drunken post about my grandad on the citalopram experience..OMG :$ :$ :$ :$ :$
And now my ribs hurt, I smell like a griatirc and probably have loads of medicayion in my blood stream, the only thing I can think , is hes popping them in my food, but hey I kow they cant kill you...Itd take something like 2 whole month suspply for thast. The starnge thing is my appetite has come back with vengance and I am eating like a pig. and cant stop thinking about food, and oh god yes,,,,hes so mean, he wants to get the girls school unifrom out of poundies, right I hate that as I was bullied at school , and I dont believe in cutting them short because we are a bit skint or rather because he is so mean so in a panic about that..Even Asda is better. God, Im on one taody......i actually want someon to put me to sleep, anaesthitist or something...so tired...but hey sellf inflicted...what a aynny
awe wel, at least I made the interview.
How embarassing, posted on a forum last night and you can tell I was melted...I ate like a pig too and stink of garlic. Then this morning, I couldnt remeber if I tok my pill as I was all nervous about interview...Got to the benefits place, and they calculated my benefit..OMG I know I said Id be better offf, but erm sxteen pounds a week doesnt really make the bus fare rides, not that I am ungratefu or anything. Honestly I jusyt want this guy out my life before I am the one with the prison sentence. anyway, just took a pill l just now and wondering if Ive allready had one...hmmmm. and counted how many I have eft and I have 14 left....i got them on the 14th july..this is the 24th of july, so where have the other 4 gone???????Do you think hes been putting them in my food, that it I am gong to hide them lock and key...Im sure hes trying to poison me..He said last night that he thinks I am bipolar,,,as he says one minute your greeting all over the place, even when you havent had a drink for days and then the next you swing from the lights, spend like a firigging millionaire, and then get depressed that I dont have a good job" Then he continues and when are you going to do something with your hair,,by this stage I was ...RIGHTT thats it...I had children with this man and they are all the same so I got completely smashed....yes i bottle and 2 glasses later and then postered a really embarassing drunken post about my grandad on the citalopram experience..OMG :$ :$ :$ :$ :$
And now my ribs hurt, I smell like a griatirc and probably have loads of medicayion in my blood stream, the only thing I can think , is hes popping them in my food, but hey I kow they cant kill you...Itd take something like 2 whole month suspply for thast. The starnge thing is my appetite has come back with vengance and I am eating like a pig. and cant stop thinking about food, and oh god yes,,,,hes so mean, he wants to get the girls school unifrom out of poundies, right I hate that as I was bullied at school , and I dont believe in cutting them short because we are a bit skint or rather because he is so mean so in a panic about that..Even Asda is better. God, Im on one taody......i actually want someon to put me to sleep, anaesthitist or something...so tired...but hey sellf inflicted...what a aynny
awe wel, at least I made the interview.
Ok=Im in shock. Right-the maintence office just rang. i cant claim money off him as hes still living in this property, but apparently and get this, apparently he would have to give me 60 pounds approx per month, thats amazing. Thats 240 per month and ..then you add on income support, my wages, ctcs and child benefit ...Im much much better off without him. They did ask me if I wanted somesort of involvemnetr, and I can asure everyone that this man is so mean that Yes, I will definately need somesort of assistance thetere. But looks like we will all , ( me and the girls will have to move)
Keep getting an odd pain in my left side and it low down, little sharp stabbing pain0- just to let myself know im still alive (my guess). Anyway, just thought Id let you know...also think its amazing as its all automatic, as soon as you calim for one thing , the ball rolls, Its an amzing suppoort system we have!!! But my goodness, I cant even get him to move out this flat that he doesnt even like nevermind give me a penny and the rest, so how do I discuss this with him? Ill give it a shot, I mmean he may slap me one or somethng, but then I go yippppeeeeeeeee -----bye bye. Omg Huge thunderstorm here!
Just thought Id let you know. Its all been a total eye opener for me today. I actually think the benfits system works well for the single parent. (was that a positive ? o.O )
Anyway, take care dawn-I hope your all right, and not to upset about your news.
Keep getting an odd pain in my left side and it low down, little sharp stabbing pain0- just to let myself know im still alive (my guess). Anyway, just thought Id let you know...also think its amazing as its all automatic, as soon as you calim for one thing , the ball rolls, Its an amzing suppoort system we have!!! But my goodness, I cant even get him to move out this flat that he doesnt even like nevermind give me a penny and the rest, so how do I discuss this with him? Ill give it a shot, I mmean he may slap me one or somethng, but then I go yippppeeeeeeeee -----bye bye. Omg Huge thunderstorm here!
Just thought Id let you know. Its all been a total eye opener for me today. I actually think the benfits system works well for the single parent. (was that a positive ? o.O )
Anyway, take care dawn-I hope your all right, and not to upset about your news.
Hi Katy: As I have SEVERAL female relatives over there that are single parents, I KNEW that you would be taken care of. When they offered assitance does that mean getting him out of the house? You can always say that you are VERY scared of what is going to happen, then see what they say. I DON'T want it to get to the point of him giving you another slap Katy! Also just like me, you WILL be forgetting IF you have taking the pills or not. So I doubt he's sticking them in your food hon, its just that you are overwhelmed. And also NO MORE drinking, he WILL be keeping watch on that, also drinking with these pills can make you REALLY gaga!
I've been vomitting most of the day - nerves!!! >:( I've booked an appointment for a hair cut tommorrow. So we'll see how that goes.
Anyway I hope you have a good night, and IF anything happens, don't engage, just call the police OK? talk to you later Dawn
I've been vomitting most of the day - nerves!!! >:( I've booked an appointment for a hair cut tommorrow. So we'll see how that goes.
Anyway I hope you have a good night, and IF anything happens, don't engage, just call the police OK? talk to you later Dawn
Youve been sick o.O o.O o.O I dont mind cuts, bruises, stitches, broken bones, blood, but SICKNESS !!! Its the worst...I hat being sick, I alaways panic and stop breathing and then it comes out your nose-YOU poor thing....If i am sick , I am ill forever....maybe as when I start throwing , it doesnt stop until its empty, and the smell......Poor you dawn, I hope the hairderesser is good to you.
Someone was sick on the bus last weekend and the smell just stayed on our clothes, alll the time...Theres somthing about pukeing that freaks me out, Th eonly good thing I like about being sick is the weight loss. Anyway, enough of that.
What you going to et done at the hairdressers????
I played him last lnight-Ill sign the papers if you give me a date (blah blah 8-| ) and he sated Im going to HAVE to go anyway 8-| o.O iM SICK OF THIS, AS THERES A LIFE TO BE HAD AND SO ON..AND I NEED TO GET USED TO BEING AN AULT ON MY OWN-NOT RELYING ON HIM TO COME HOME AND TELL THE KIDS OFF(IF YOU GET ME)
okay, dawn-please if you can , drink loads of fluids and try and stay away from the white tunnel!!!! I hope it passes. Quickly. Have fun at the hairdressers and take care!
Someone was sick on the bus last weekend and the smell just stayed on our clothes, alll the time...Theres somthing about pukeing that freaks me out, Th eonly good thing I like about being sick is the weight loss. Anyway, enough of that.
What you going to et done at the hairdressers????
I played him last lnight-Ill sign the papers if you give me a date (blah blah 8-| ) and he sated Im going to HAVE to go anyway 8-| o.O iM SICK OF THIS, AS THERES A LIFE TO BE HAD AND SO ON..AND I NEED TO GET USED TO BEING AN AULT ON MY OWN-NOT RELYING ON HIM TO COME HOME AND TELL THE KIDS OFF(IF YOU GET ME)
okay, dawn-please if you can , drink loads of fluids and try and stay away from the white tunnel!!!! I hope it passes. Quickly. Have fun at the hairdressers and take care!
Hi dawn, im depressed now..(not really) but hands in head, want to cry-Ive my referral appointment to see a drink specialists. It has to be the other side of the city to, and it asks to take a good frined. to be honest thers only 1 mum I know that would help me here, and Im ttooo scared to ask her, Il just go on my own. But I want to cry. The lettter even asks if you have dpendants-that will be my children on the at risk register the. Id better go.truky depressed-why do things have to be so complicated?
Hi Katy: What does this mean? Like Alcoholics Anonymous or something? And what do you mean about the dependants at risk to register?!
I LOVE my hair, my angel is back from vacation so in her words "I do good for you darling ok?!" She is SO sweet, anyway, I'm REALLY blonde - with a fringe (I haven't had bangs in about 20 years) and I LOVE it!!! So that has helped with my nerves, whatever my surgery looks like after this new hairdo will cover it. She was AWESOME! Isn't amazing how a good hair cut will make you feel better? When you get away from this jerk, then you can treat yourself and get a good cut and color. I'm still queezy, it's got more to do with nerves I think than anything else.
It's just a battle that you're going through right now, it will be over soon. And it WILL be worth all this c**p! So I know you have moments of despair, but it WILL go. How's your balance and all of that lately?
I LOVE my hair, my angel is back from vacation so in her words "I do good for you darling ok?!" She is SO sweet, anyway, I'm REALLY blonde - with a fringe (I haven't had bangs in about 20 years) and I LOVE it!!! So that has helped with my nerves, whatever my surgery looks like after this new hairdo will cover it. She was AWESOME! Isn't amazing how a good hair cut will make you feel better? When you get away from this jerk, then you can treat yourself and get a good cut and color. I'm still queezy, it's got more to do with nerves I think than anything else.
It's just a battle that you're going through right now, it will be over soon. And it WILL be worth all this c**p! So I know you have moments of despair, but it WILL go. How's your balance and all of that lately?
Dawn-thats great news about your hair cut, you do have to keep your strengh up though. Anyone of us would be scared of surgey-its like as you put it though-scared of change"your head surgery is just like mine"I have scars anyway, and I am finge aphobic after the cows licks my mother used to give me ( ha ha)
Its great to hear you more positive-you are having a tough time of it-soon though , and greatfully theyll cut the bastard out!
Citalopram has made me grow boobs and I hate it. I hate having a chest!
Anyway, Ive not been too great today, and stashed my fridge up with wine, thinking m, well frig, if ive a reputation t live up to , i sodding well willl!(Okay I know thats wrong) but f### it
I live in a Housing association flat in edinburgh, I did it up okayish, but he never has and never will put his hands in his pockets. hes being friendly and i think wel stuff it, why make the atmosphere worse around the children, but deep down inside if me , and if it werent for the happy pills, I would have probably have murdered him.
In fact a mum friend old me"i would have spent less time inside"
Anyway, Im glas, so glad your feeling better about yourself..Is it the 28th you go in for srgery? If it is , its the 28th I go for this appointment with a nurse who specialises in drink, also it asks to bring a frined to talk about behviours that I dont know about, i mentioned it to him and he stated hed be happy to go along, but Id rather go alone as i dont care about what he has to say. I dont trust him. Anyway, take care and rest up-your op will soon be over, you will hurt for a bit, but recognise it as another baby, you love yourself enough to get it done, so love yourself enough to rest , relax and let others look after for you for a bit. If i could be by your side and hold your hand and pet your fore head to make you feel better , I would. make sure everyone loks after you, You are an amazing person Dawn. fight the good fight and enjoy, all my love, Katy
Its great to hear you more positive-you are having a tough time of it-soon though , and greatfully theyll cut the bastard out!
Citalopram has made me grow boobs and I hate it. I hate having a chest!
Anyway, Ive not been too great today, and stashed my fridge up with wine, thinking m, well frig, if ive a reputation t live up to , i sodding well willl!(Okay I know thats wrong) but f### it
I live in a Housing association flat in edinburgh, I did it up okayish, but he never has and never will put his hands in his pockets. hes being friendly and i think wel stuff it, why make the atmosphere worse around the children, but deep down inside if me , and if it werent for the happy pills, I would have probably have murdered him.
In fact a mum friend old me"i would have spent less time inside"
Anyway, Im glas, so glad your feeling better about yourself..Is it the 28th you go in for srgery? If it is , its the 28th I go for this appointment with a nurse who specialises in drink, also it asks to bring a frined to talk about behviours that I dont know about, i mentioned it to him and he stated hed be happy to go along, but Id rather go alone as i dont care about what he has to say. I dont trust him. Anyway, take care and rest up-your op will soon be over, you will hurt for a bit, but recognise it as another baby, you love yourself enough to get it done, so love yourself enough to rest , relax and let others look after for you for a bit. If i could be by your side and hold your hand and pet your fore head to make you feel better , I would. make sure everyone loks after you, You are an amazing person Dawn. fight the good fight and enjoy, all my love, Katy
Ok, Bambi/dawn-Ive had afew too many. I feel incrediblysad-that this is what i have to do to make me feel human again!
I have to be honest to you, the more psirie postings from me, are from me, having had a couple fo glasses of wine(no too many though)
I dont want anything to be wrong wwith me, but I do think I am on a borfeline of having somekind of personality disorder. citalopram saved me in a way, that people want know off. I was unhappy, incredibly, and it went on for ages, id scream at hi m, shout at him, and then hed burst, blame me, i deserved evreything i got/get. I still beliveve now,looking back, that I actually did.
Moreso, though and the real sutff hit home, hed been out one night, now I amtaliking possibly 2yrs ago, he knew my hisry my insecuriteies. he came home begging for a ...shag!!! I had stated NO" WAY YOUR PIST He carried on, ripped of my clothing and pulled me to the hallway floor, iwas crying , owling, anyway, byt he time he had got his things off , he was near unconscious-he was so drunk!11Anyway, I let him go to sleep, and cried howled and then kicked him.He never woke..even to this f=day he sates he cannot remeber it.-In away, it doesnt bother me, its over, and thsrt was a final switch after what enwent before! Do I sound like a female freak-or am I right to be doin this? it goes round my head day and nightand worse. i just wish things could be how they used to be! I dont think he should accompany me to this placeon tuesyday-how can I open up to them>
I have to be honest to you, the more psirie postings from me, are from me, having had a couple fo glasses of wine(no too many though)
I dont want anything to be wrong wwith me, but I do think I am on a borfeline of having somekind of personality disorder. citalopram saved me in a way, that people want know off. I was unhappy, incredibly, and it went on for ages, id scream at hi m, shout at him, and then hed burst, blame me, i deserved evreything i got/get. I still beliveve now,looking back, that I actually did.
Moreso, though and the real sutff hit home, hed been out one night, now I amtaliking possibly 2yrs ago, he knew my hisry my insecuriteies. he came home begging for a ...shag!!! I had stated NO" WAY YOUR PIST He carried on, ripped of my clothing and pulled me to the hallway floor, iwas crying , owling, anyway, byt he time he had got his things off , he was near unconscious-he was so drunk!11Anyway, I let him go to sleep, and cried howled and then kicked him.He never woke..even to this f=day he sates he cannot remeber it.-In away, it doesnt bother me, its over, and thsrt was a final switch after what enwent before! Do I sound like a female freak-or am I right to be doin this? it goes round my head day and nightand worse. i just wish things could be how they used to be! I dont think he should accompany me to this placeon tuesyday-how can I open up to them>
Morning Dawn-or should I say afternoon. O dont knkow, this is what I get"rest" and so on, I dont want to rest, i want to run 100000000 miles . Dont get me wrong, I love my girls , thats why I feel so trapped, but he does make me feel worthless , empty, ugly, fat, angry-U havent even taken medication today for the facts I was so bad last night, and my boobs are getting to tooo big, so no I dont thin I need it, and what difference does it make-Ive still got to go and confess my alcoholism to strangers who havent a clue, and and Its been so long , I dont really knoe how to behave, I think I will go back to bed. then I have this , i need a new man thing going on-thats the last thing I need!
Also thinking, -god jesus , my parents-seem so selfish-why am I thinking like this, whne usually I think , they did a good job, worled hard etc? i dont knkow. Im going back to bed. I cant stop thinking about how trappesd I feel and how its all me and of how Id like to finish it. ME!
Also thinking, -god jesus , my parents-seem so selfish-why am I thinking like this, whne usually I think , they did a good job, worled hard etc? i dont knkow. Im going back to bed. I cant stop thinking about how trappesd I feel and how its all me and of how Id like to finish it. ME!
Ok, I gave myself a slap and took pill. This is really wierd.....my period stopped 2 days ago, and then went to lou and all this blood o.O o.O o.O Something must have got caught...weird 8-|
I dont really know what this clinic is about. The thing isI get really nervous about going. I have exam nerves in my stomach and worried about it, and again, its like my situation, if I dont go, then that will look bad, I f I go then I have to be honest, that will look badalso.
The thing is...its like a whole history, thats shaped me, and i do know thats no excuse for what i do or have become. I guess thats why I need a NEW start.
Dont laugh, but I think its weird how I wrote my thesis on Romantic jealousy and how it manifests its ugly head. i can honestly tell you, the trees would have been put to better use, if they were left alone XD XD I have just sat an ate an entire pack of Prawn crackers. I weighed myself today, and even though I am eating like a pifg and not getting my usual quota of exercise, (whi ch is normally ) walking, I weigh 8 stone, which is really strange as I am normally 8 and a half and, no amout of dieting or doet pills shifts pounds off me.
I think my balance is a bit better. I can still feel water behind my ears though, and ocassionaly they nip..Even the neighbours have comented that I look better..I dont look better, my roots are coming throgh. I look in the mirror and sometimes I just see my dads ex girlfriend stairin me back. I am trying to come to terms with my age right now. I think 33 is old , especially fro someone who hads no career, Anyway, back to the romantic jealousy thing, I get so jealous when I see a couple and the guy is being kind to the woman, and Im never going to be able to meet a man again, I mean who would want me, and I clam up around men,,,always have...i think men intimidate me full stop.
I was thinking about what I am going to say at this place....probably something likelook if it werent for wine i wouldnt have children as I wouldnt have been able to do that yuck thing 9the business) and if it werent for wine god knows where id be...seee wine has saved me in some ways, if I didnt have children I think that I wouldnt be here today to tell tale stories. I dont know why, but I keep thinking about this booze cruise we all as student s went on to celebrate the end....and so many people got so so pissed ....I remeber me and my friend sat inside for a bit, and there were so many students throwing up and it would splatter down the windows, It was a grotesque sight...Then when we got back to the students union, it was a cattle market, quick find someone to ssnog...we were all mad then!!! Yuck!!!!! makes me laugh, Who would want to kiss someone after theyve chucked...awe god thats gross!!!!!Ive done nothing rtoday, I am missing the chilfdren, so badly.
Ive not been doing y usual walking because, this dizzy thing comes and goes. when I was at my dads I had to get my dad to take a hot cup of tea from me so I could hold onto the bannister and not fall down backwards. its just pounces on me, and once it holds me , it doesnt let me go.
Last night, he satated that he would move ( eventually) I just think hes trying to win me over, make me think things are sweet and then he will disappear andor do something really nasty. Then when I am on my own, , things just collect and I feel like the little girl katy, not the confident happy go lucky female that left Glasgow with her degree in her hands. Not the Katy that had lots of friends and that would seek to find amusement ineveything good and bad. Ive changed, and i dont know if I will ever get that back.
Its strange I have a facebook account and people look so grown up and I am still there reliving puberty or something. God .....I am sorry to go and on and on, as some felmales wuld like to have these big melons, but I cantstand them. I asked my partner, god knows why, if he thought i could get breast reduction surgery on the NHS, as they make me depressed........what a stupid thing to ask him :$ Also I know you stated about your blue legs, so maybe we are twins :-P as I have really really bad varicose veins, and they itch. Ive asked about srugery before, but apparently they only do that now if your in real danger. really stupid, prevetative measure that.....it will cost more when they have to cut it off mad!!!!
Anyway, Id better go do some housework. I think that clinic place will be like AA, but its not a drop in center apparently-and I am scraed they decide to send me to hopsital to start me on a detox programme, I dont want that.But then again, its impossible to do a total detox with him here. men are lucky they can drink what they want when they want and can cope ...do they have bigger livers as well as eveyrthing else. i am on a I hate men mission today....and all my thoughts are yuck!!!! he is a manYeck!!!!Huge anger issues with men Huge massive....honestly I wish I could switch that part of me off, I manage sometimes, I did have a nice ex who treated me well until he dumped me for his ex....but we had a laugh at least. anyway, I better go, take care dawn.....Is it the 28th you go in for surgery?
The thing is...its like a whole history, thats shaped me, and i do know thats no excuse for what i do or have become. I guess thats why I need a NEW start.
Dont laugh, but I think its weird how I wrote my thesis on Romantic jealousy and how it manifests its ugly head. i can honestly tell you, the trees would have been put to better use, if they were left alone XD XD I have just sat an ate an entire pack of Prawn crackers. I weighed myself today, and even though I am eating like a pifg and not getting my usual quota of exercise, (whi ch is normally ) walking, I weigh 8 stone, which is really strange as I am normally 8 and a half and, no amout of dieting or doet pills shifts pounds off me.
I think my balance is a bit better. I can still feel water behind my ears though, and ocassionaly they nip..Even the neighbours have comented that I look better..I dont look better, my roots are coming throgh. I look in the mirror and sometimes I just see my dads ex girlfriend stairin me back. I am trying to come to terms with my age right now. I think 33 is old , especially fro someone who hads no career, Anyway, back to the romantic jealousy thing, I get so jealous when I see a couple and the guy is being kind to the woman, and Im never going to be able to meet a man again, I mean who would want me, and I clam up around men,,,always have...i think men intimidate me full stop.
I was thinking about what I am going to say at this place....probably something likelook if it werent for wine i wouldnt have children as I wouldnt have been able to do that yuck thing 9the business) and if it werent for wine god knows where id be...seee wine has saved me in some ways, if I didnt have children I think that I wouldnt be here today to tell tale stories. I dont know why, but I keep thinking about this booze cruise we all as student s went on to celebrate the end....and so many people got so so pissed ....I remeber me and my friend sat inside for a bit, and there were so many students throwing up and it would splatter down the windows, It was a grotesque sight...Then when we got back to the students union, it was a cattle market, quick find someone to ssnog...we were all mad then!!! Yuck!!!!! makes me laugh, Who would want to kiss someone after theyve chucked...awe god thats gross!!!!!Ive done nothing rtoday, I am missing the chilfdren, so badly.
Ive not been doing y usual walking because, this dizzy thing comes and goes. when I was at my dads I had to get my dad to take a hot cup of tea from me so I could hold onto the bannister and not fall down backwards. its just pounces on me, and once it holds me , it doesnt let me go.
Last night, he satated that he would move ( eventually) I just think hes trying to win me over, make me think things are sweet and then he will disappear andor do something really nasty. Then when I am on my own, , things just collect and I feel like the little girl katy, not the confident happy go lucky female that left Glasgow with her degree in her hands. Not the Katy that had lots of friends and that would seek to find amusement ineveything good and bad. Ive changed, and i dont know if I will ever get that back.
Its strange I have a facebook account and people look so grown up and I am still there reliving puberty or something. God .....I am sorry to go and on and on, as some felmales wuld like to have these big melons, but I cantstand them. I asked my partner, god knows why, if he thought i could get breast reduction surgery on the NHS, as they make me depressed........what a stupid thing to ask him :$ Also I know you stated about your blue legs, so maybe we are twins :-P as I have really really bad varicose veins, and they itch. Ive asked about srugery before, but apparently they only do that now if your in real danger. really stupid, prevetative measure that.....it will cost more when they have to cut it off mad!!!!
Anyway, Id better go do some housework. I think that clinic place will be like AA, but its not a drop in center apparently-and I am scraed they decide to send me to hopsital to start me on a detox programme, I dont want that.But then again, its impossible to do a total detox with him here. men are lucky they can drink what they want when they want and can cope ...do they have bigger livers as well as eveyrthing else. i am on a I hate men mission today....and all my thoughts are yuck!!!! he is a manYeck!!!!Huge anger issues with men Huge massive....honestly I wish I could switch that part of me off, I manage sometimes, I did have a nice ex who treated me well until he dumped me for his ex....but we had a laugh at least. anyway, I better go, take care dawn.....Is it the 28th you go in for surgery?
Hi Katy: Do NOT take him to the meeting, you don't need his negative input - because I GUARANTEE you he will make himself sound like the wounded party and "ALL of this is because of Katy's drinking and I can't take it anymore!etc. etc. " So don't give him the chance to come off as some sort of saint. And DON'T think about what you are going to say, just say it! NO MORE covering up for yourself or anyone else OK? ANYONE that has gone to a clinic or an AA meeting has gone through the EXACT same things as you. And I'm a little surprised that you are still drinking after everything Katy! He WILL bring this up against you, I guarantee that. And I know he drinks but it's irrelevant when it's already been documented AGAINST you!!
IF he's playing nice, just know that there is something going on with him, do I have to remind you about the letter from his solicitor and him bouncing the bills in your account and trying to close it!!!? So just keep remembering that!
This IS about you!! PERIOD! Not him not even the kids! YOU!! You need to stop drinking and stop covering and get healthy, obviously the pills are working, and they would work more if you didn't drink as much! You know that!!!!
Yes my surgerys is on Tuesday I've been having quite a bit of breathing problems from it, - like a panic attack. I was going to phone him tommorrow to see if he would give me a relaxing pill or something. Because I think by the time I get there I will be a mess!!
Anyway, DONT take him OK? And don't let him know what's going on with you at all!!! He will only use it against you! IF it ever comes to court or anything like that, it is YOU that got the help all by yourself, not him "helping you!!!" Think of it that way OK?
IF he's playing nice, just know that there is something going on with him, do I have to remind you about the letter from his solicitor and him bouncing the bills in your account and trying to close it!!!? So just keep remembering that!
This IS about you!! PERIOD! Not him not even the kids! YOU!! You need to stop drinking and stop covering and get healthy, obviously the pills are working, and they would work more if you didn't drink as much! You know that!!!!
Yes my surgerys is on Tuesday I've been having quite a bit of breathing problems from it, - like a panic attack. I was going to phone him tommorrow to see if he would give me a relaxing pill or something. Because I think by the time I get there I will be a mess!!
Anyway, DONT take him OK? And don't let him know what's going on with you at all!!! He will only use it against you! IF it ever comes to court or anything like that, it is YOU that got the help all by yourself, not him "helping you!!!" Think of it that way OK?
Hi Dawn- yeah_if Iwere you go get some diazepam, or something, you need to relax a bit, it wont do your blood pressure good leaping form high, to low suddenly-so ask for something.
You are so right o.O I know it sounds mad-but I just find it impossible to relax, and things nigglie in my head-and I always end up questioning me-and even the professionals that have said "I am in a domestic abusive relationship" 8-| before I went for help, I rember finding a leaflet abotu it, i remeber my daughter having a session with a speech therapist and I had picked up a card and started to read the leaflet in the toilet, I remebering thinking-thats odd-thats me :$ o.O ..I had a cry then and then walked out and waited in the waiting room for my daughter.
All i get from him, now is the issue with his dads double glazing- 8-| -I cant bebothered with it.
Ive delveloped a rash on my chest-so itchy-its like something ut of the "singing detective'that willl explain about the dream I had..my cat caught chicken pox 8-| and I had to take today of work to look after him. My throat really sore too..Hope its swine flu and then I might not have to do al this..Anyway, tomorrow is tuesday-you have your operation-maybe toight you wil calm down as its here now, and do you know what...its a good thing, thinkof it like that, theyve caught this sinister thing in your head, . so wave another goodbye to a nasty bastard that scars you for lie( I hope that inly helps and doesnt make you feel worse) ..Try not to worry, and I will be htinking of you tomorrow -when I am offf to that clinic. I better go get ready for work. Chin up dawn-soon it will be over and you can enjoy your hairdo -properly. Lots of positive vibes, sent in the post to you, katy x
You are so right o.O I know it sounds mad-but I just find it impossible to relax, and things nigglie in my head-and I always end up questioning me-and even the professionals that have said "I am in a domestic abusive relationship" 8-| before I went for help, I rember finding a leaflet abotu it, i remeber my daughter having a session with a speech therapist and I had picked up a card and started to read the leaflet in the toilet, I remebering thinking-thats odd-thats me :$ o.O ..I had a cry then and then walked out and waited in the waiting room for my daughter.
All i get from him, now is the issue with his dads double glazing- 8-| -I cant bebothered with it.
Ive delveloped a rash on my chest-so itchy-its like something ut of the "singing detective'that willl explain about the dream I had..my cat caught chicken pox 8-| and I had to take today of work to look after him. My throat really sore too..Hope its swine flu and then I might not have to do al this..Anyway, tomorrow is tuesday-you have your operation-maybe toight you wil calm down as its here now, and do you know what...its a good thing, thinkof it like that, theyve caught this sinister thing in your head, . so wave another goodbye to a nasty bastard that scars you for lie( I hope that inly helps and doesnt make you feel worse) ..Try not to worry, and I will be htinking of you tomorrow -when I am offf to that clinic. I better go get ready for work. Chin up dawn-soon it will be over and you can enjoy your hairdo -properly. Lots of positive vibes, sent in the post to you, katy x