I can't express how i feel. I can only talk to myself

I don't know why am even doing this or typing it maybe in my head i just needed to feel like i've told someone and spoke to someone. am not looking to gain any think out of this just making me feel less sane all i know this could be normal.

My name is Alex i'm from the United kingdom. I'm 20 years old and it's just been my birthday 1 hour ad 21 minutes ago. i'm depressed but my mind doesn't want to admit it but i can feel it slowly creeping into my brain and how i work. am losing sleep over reasons i don't know. i talk to myself in my head about how i want to talk to someone even the doctor if i ever go and see him. I can not try there is so much going on in my life but so little. i have a brother who is seriously ill and it feels like my mum only cares is for the benefit of the attenction and most probably the money and he's got a different bad to me and he's turn out like my dad, new family so he doesn't care anymore, when i was little my family was split. my dad with my brother, my nan with my other brother and me with my mum then my sister came and this began my depressed of holding in emotions and never being able to talk. none of my fmaily talk to each other, i am living with my nan and i think she's getting seirously sick of me, i have friends that feel like thy feel bad for you. if i watch a film i feel too much but still no tears. i've just stood in the back thinking of the film and how it contained suicide in it so i questioned in again the idea of leaving. i stared at a knife and i did grab it. i'm weak it feels like it's finally got in. i didn't i couldn't leave my brother. he wouldn't understand where alex has gone. this isn't even all of it but my mind is telling me to delete all t his and carry on with the fake smile. one day i'll go the doctors and be told this is normal. i can't express how i feel.

I can only talk to myself