I have been referred to professional help.
1) I don't know if I should mention the bolded part
2) just hear me out
I first started cutting myself at the age of 12, I suffer from trichotillomania and the bullying was crucial throughout elementary school. At that age, I also self inflicted by erasing my skin (weird, right?) but it was a "trend" back then so whatever kids are kids. My mom noticed my behavior wasn't the same so she brought me to therapy in which they prescribed me Paxil, I was 9 years old, and my behavior worsened so I was taken off.
As everyone else goes through hard times, it impacted me a lot harder then most. I will never forget the abuse, no matter what anyone says, people think I'm okay but they only look on the outside, I feel I'm dying inside.
A few months ago, I started having terrible mood swings, violent mood swings. Although I hate everything/everyone execpt for those very few, I really get angry. I started cutting again, I felt no pain doing it, I liked it. I called my boyfriend and told him to go cut himself so he can feel the pain I do, that's not acceptable. A month ago, I had another mood swing and I just went all out negative and destructive,he noticed a scar on my wrist that he hasn't see before (He knows I cut) I kept it from him and we got in a huge argument but I didn't cut that night, I carved and damaged my walls to release the pain of wanting to cut. It made me feel kind of better, but it just wasn't the same. :/ It was destroying my relationship with my boyfriend. A few weeks ago, I completely lost it, destroyed my room, I was ripping out my weave, I had a terrible anxiety attack and passed out... I was with my boyfriend and I was just not me. I cut my wrist right in front of him, tears and all I didn't care I did it anyways.
Lately, this is the strange thing, and I don't know if anyone else expereinces this.
I have only told my boyfriend and doctor, but. Recently I've been having thoughts, about cutting and all, but realizing how dreadful the scars are, but I still would like to do it. I told my boyfriend that instead of cutting myself, i'd prefer to cut other people. Not harming them, just leaving scars that i don't have to see, just letting my pain out that way.
This is honestly scaring me, I can't take it... Should I tell the psychiatrist..
I personally can't harm myself bt wen I was younger I wld definitely harm my siblings or go in my room n break watever I cld because just seeing the impact of glass hitting the wall n breaking just made me feel better. Honestly I did the whole eraser thing and I was very depressed and lost at one point so one night wen I was doing homework I used my pensil to scrap my wrist ..didn't like the pain si I stuck wit hurting others or objects .my anger was honestly out of control..pissed off all day every day still dnt really know y bt I just hated the world. Ma mom even called me a loaner n ppl wld say "ravens in her cave again" cuzz I basically lived in ma room..then started to control it as I got older because I had to grow up wen I got pregnant. I had n still kind of have soo much anger inside. Just hated ppl I guess lol. Br I think u need to just honestly find Some sort of let our.. not drugs or harming urself or others..before I was pregnant my outlet was raving cuzz I felt like such a loaner till I found ravers bt the drugs were something I never shld have dun n since my son never went BK to. Bt like u I still get cravings to do wat makes me feel good and is a release, its natural.. Def tell ur counselor hun ..counseling takes time to really work bt wen u let out ur feelings to others it even helps heal pain from the past. Try to b open to ur boyfriend too and have him comfort u and support u in a healthy way. I feel for u! I hope the best <3