I have question about oc withdrawals.

i'm twenty one years old, single mom, and have been for almost two years now. i lost my son's father when i was pregnant and told myself i'd never go to drugs to deal with my loss. i've never really been into drugs except for smoking weed every day, and pills have never been my drug of choice. i no longer smoke weed, i quit for my son. i've lost too many friends and family members to pills, and always told myself that i would never go down that road. until about six months ago ... i was with my best friend, and he had a 40 of oc. he asked me to split it with him, but also told me to never do it again because they're very addictive. he quit shortly afterwards, and i watched him go through all the withdrawals, the throwing up, the shaking, the chills, the cold sweats, the night terrors, the insomnia. at the same time i was watching him go through this, i was doing oxys behind his back - behind everyone's back. i started doing perc tens, then realized i was having to take three, four, five at a time and wasn't getting the same feeling. i started getting oc 20s from my best friend. snorting them was amazing, a feeling i'd never felt before. then the 20s weren't doing anything, and i started buying 40's at 35 dollars apeice. then i was at two a day, sometimes three. then i found out about 60s. all the while, i have this beautiful baby boy that is my whole world that i'm doing nothing for but the necessities. my son has everything he needs, just not everything i want to give him. no new clothes, i don't take him anywhere, don't buy anything for us, i lost my house, somehow managed to keep my job, but am now living at my mom's. i know i need to stop doing them. i couldn't imagine waking up and not having a pill to snort until today. today was day one. it was fing horrible. cold sweats, chills, hot flashes, using the bathroom all day, can't sleep, night terrors. it is the most awful thing i've ever experienced physically. and then there's the mental part. i want one so bad i can't stand it. i keep telling myself just one 40 would make me feel normal. i just want to feel normal. i'm crying because i can't talk to anyone about this because everyone would look at me like a junkie and a bad mother. i know day one is hard, and i know day two is going to be even harder. i don't know what to do or where to turn. i can't fing sleep and i have to be up at seven with my son, and i know i'm not going to want to get off of the couch and chase him around, change his diapers, it all feels like a major strain on my body, i literally feel as if i am nintey years old. i just want what's best for my son, and i keep telling myself that, but in the back of my mind i keep saying 'just one more pill will make me feel better' ... what do i do? i'm going to try and suck it up, try and stick it out. but i dont want to relapse. i just want to be normal again, WITHOUT the pills. i don't want to wake up and immediately turn over and snort a forty. i want to wake up and with nothing at all, be happy and okay. i want to WANT to chase my son around, and take him places, and not spend every fing dime i have on ocs. it was that bad - i would make eighty bucks in a night, buy cigs and 3 dollars in gas and go straight to get some more pills. so i keep telling myself if i do one now, tomorrow is day one all over again. i just need some spport.[/list]