Hi, I'm a fifteen year old girl with suicidal thoughts. I'm hoping at least one person will actually read this, and help me on my situation. This will probably get really long so please, bear with me!
I know its selfish of me to want to end my life because there are so many other people around the world who probably have it worse than me. To be honest, some would say my life is pretty good. I have parents who both have good paying jobs, a roof over my head, and a good education. Usually people who want to suicide don't have many friends and are often lonely, but for me, I actually have many friends at school, and I'm constantly surrounded by family. Pretty sweet life, yeah? Even so, I hate it. It's not that I hate the people, I just hate myself. I hate who I am and what I do.
When I was younger, I remember being the nice one. Not just to my friends, but to my family. But now that I'm older, I'm starting to realize how nasty my personality is. I mean, at school I wouldn't be rude to others directly. Sure I would gossip, just like any other teenage girl. At school, I'm known as the happy one. The one who always has a smile on her face. But at home, that's when my real personality shows. I always snap back at my parents every time they offer to help. Sometimes, I would curse at them under my breath. At first I would feel guilty about it. But now, I don't care. I don't care about anything. I stopped caring. I really hate myself for it. I really hate what I've become.
I've got an older sister who is perfect. And I mean ABSOLUTELY perfect. Yeah, it's kinda cliche how the younger sibling has the perfect older sister. But honestly, everything she does, everything she says, is like perfect. She's super gorgeous and very very nice. Like legit nice. Not only that, she's also super super smart. Top 3 of her grade. She wants to become a doctor, and that's not going to be hard for her because she's already volunteering at hospitals, shelters, etc. I'm not saying I hate her, I just hate my position as her younger, underachieving little sister.
I already know my parents love her more than me. Every time my dad or mom is telling us a story about their past, they always look at her while they talk. It's like I'm not even there. Then my sister would say something funny and everyone would laugh. Except me. I'd be the one left out. I feel like if I were to suddenly vanish, no one would even know. Whenever my sister comes home and screams, "I got a 100 on that test!" I look at my parents faces and I see how proud they are. They just seem so.. happy. So happy that they have the perfect daughter. I know that they still care for me. I hope. They try and help me with my lame grades, but I always snap at them. I want to prove to them that I can be just like her. That I don't need the help. Sometimes I look into my dad's eyes and I see the disappointment on his face. I already know what he's thinking. Why do I have the worst daughter?
Not only that, I also got my aunts and uncles. They all know my great sister and all of her achievements. They're always telling my cousins, "Be like [my sister] when you grow up!". Hell, when my cousins were younger, they even taught them my sister's name first. Everyone in my family loves her, even my grandparents. She has this special connection with them that I also want. I feel so out of place. I hate it.
I stopped feeling things. Nothing traumatizing ever happened to me. I stopped feeling emotions. I even learned to fake my emotions. Like I said earlier, I always have a smile on my face at school. I chat, have fun, and laugh with my friends. But its all fake. Deep down, I feel nothing. I feel like there's a huge hole in my heart. I don't even feel sadness. I can't even remember the last time I've cried. Typing these words, I don't feel anything. I don't even know if I love anyone anymore. This is why I hate myself. I hate who I am. I feel like I don't belong here anymore. I feel like if I were to stop existing, it would be better for everyone. My parents wouldn't have to deal with a brat like me. One less mouth to feed. The only thing that's stopping me from killing myself is what would happen afterwards. I wouldn't want my family members to mourn and grieve. I don't want to see my family falling apart. I don't want my family to blame themselves. Is that love? Honestly, I don't know anymore. Yes, it may seem that it's jealousy that's consuming me. But like I said, I stopped caring for anything. I'm not envious of my sister; it's not her fault for the way I am. It's my fault. If I had one wish, it would be for me to never exist. I mean, what's a life without feelings?
Well, that's it for me. If you made it this far, I do hope you could give me advice. And before anyone mentions a therapist, that would mean contacting my parents, and I wouldn't want them to be worried. Thank you in advance.
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I read everything you wrote. It's hard to give advice because I've been suicidle before and I am depressed currently and I know whatever someone says doesn't help.. But it's even worse when they say they know how you feel. Because they don't. And to be truthful there is no magic answer to make you stop feeling the way you do. First off if you don't like who you are than change who you are. I know easier said than done right? But really. You have the ability to be and do ANYTHING you want. If you want to be nice than be nice. Secondly I get the whole living in the siblings shadow thing. I have 3 older brothers. You are who you are and if your family doesn't like you as much as your sister than f**k them, that's awful. Your sister may be pretty but I guarantee people find you attractive too. She may be do good in school but guess what? School is not a place for smart people. The things you learn in school are pointless. If you want to do good in school or be a doctor in college you can. A very wise man once told me "it takes more guts than brains to get a college degree". And he was right. Doing good in school isn't about being a genius. You have to have the guts and the will to try hard and if you do you will succeed. Your sister doesn't have anything you don't have. I also want you to realize how lucky you are to have friends. I've lost all my friends over the years. I hate almost everyone in my school. I have about 2 or 3 friends that I still talk to but they don't know anything about my personal life. Every time someone finds out about my private life they exploit it. I'm alone. I'm really alone. If there's someone you can talk to please, talk to them. I wish I had that. And I'm gonna end this with one last thing. No matter how much you feel like your life sucks. Never. Never. Stop fighting. Your gonna kick life's ass some day. I wish you the absolute best.
-Lucas
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Hello there. You should not have such suicidal thoughts in this age. We are lucky enough to have all the comforts in life, but are we all familiar with the millions of people who have no shelter and are struggling for food every day. They are helpless and are forced to lead a miserable life. There are a number of NGO's like mission humanitaire ***this post is edited by moderator *** *** posting of web addresses is not allowed*** Please read our Terms of Use that work day and night for the benefit of needy but that would not be enough as the count of people facing poverty is large, so we should come together and be a helping hand for all needy.
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