Hi im a senior i am a senior in high school and live in california. Im currently 18 years old. Ive been fapping since as long as ic an remember. I think the first time i was introduced to it was when i was sexually abused by a male neighboor who i mistook as a role model at the time. I thought he was cool because he was older than me (he was about 21) and i was around 7. I thought it was normal even while it was going on and it aroused me. I only repeated the act with him one time. In my mind at the time, i was attracted to girls and very shy around them but i knew i was straight. Ibefore i was 10 , i had repeated sexual expirimentations with a couple of my male freinds. For some reason it never phased me that it was something homosexual. I also started fapping to straight soft core porn. A regualur basis. 2-3 times a day starting shortyly afte the sexual abuse by me neighboor. I almost forgot about my neighbor and continued to experiment with boys around 13 years of age which was my last encounter. When inwas 13 , it was also my most explict encounter , as ive went alittle further than usual. I never enjoyed giving the boy pleasure as i thought it was nasty, i realy just kind of enjoyed recieving it. I just thought it would be an easier way of getting sexual pleasure froms omeone else rather than myself and thatway i wouldnt have to wait along time because i thought it was too hard to get a girl to do it.A part of me was too shy with girls and i didnt want to wait to have some type of sexual encounter. When i turned 14 and moved back to los angelos the big city i started smoking weed and out of nowhere all the things kinda hit me! It was like i was bumrushed by all the stuff i did and i started remembering the abuse ect.. I was so depressed and hit by guilt..i would literally think about it every 2 minutes and continued like that for about 4 years..it got better gradually but the first year was horrible. I was ashamed and i felt dirty and contunuously kept questioning my sexuality. I never told anyone and i also continued smoking weed which amplified the shittiness of how i felt to the point where i became slightly paranoid everytime i smoked. I also continued fapping during this time mostly to straight porn while moving onto more shocking things such as gangbang, hentai , and when i was extremely turned on i would experiment in disgusting stuff like porn with animals, incest and homosexuality (which was kind of a last resort) (nothing against homos). I know this sounds really weird and i feel weird as this is the first time im ever talking about it. So now im a senior, im doing alot better as ive started puttingmy focus on self development, spirituAl growth and meditation. Ive had sex with a couple different girls , sometimes i had ED and sometimes the event was quite pleausurable. I just never liked the girl withmy. Emotions as it was always a girl who liked me but not vice versa. I was turned on and agreed to f**k. I couldnt realy get the girls i wanted. The craziest thing is im very devouted to becoming a man whos really good with women and am learning alot from pick up books ect..meditation and spiritual books really helped me feel good aboutmy self and stuff. I just hate the feeling offeeling sexually confused. I also want to increase my libido and be more engaged with women. The other night i had a chance to have sex with a girl. We met as she asked me to walk her home because she was drunk, i didnt know her but agreed and she ended up tryingt o have sex with me (im a gairly good looking guy) as iwas making out with her, i thought how awesome im about to bed this cutie but my penis was nt very turned on , as she was also bitingmy. Lip really hard and i thought she would be kind of annoying to have sex with ( lip biting turns me off) and i also have an abundance mentality whenit comes to woemn so i wasnt worried about letting some go. The other night, i had a girl come over and i was really turned on and wanted to have sex but she left me alone as she figured i didnt have any emotions towards her which she had forme. Im just tired of constantly quetsuoning my sexuality, masturbating to weird porn, having annoying complulsive thought s tryingt o analyse my sexuality. Its like once in a while im repulsed my homosexual thoughts and imagesand then it somewhat turnsme on. But most ofthe time im pretty repulsed by it. I also ,asturvate alot still to weird porn , i somewhat got tired of the regualur porn. But sometimes after i stop reg porn , simple things like reg porn or just thoughts about past encounters with females turn me on like crazy to the point of makingme lie in bed for hours thinking about girls before falling alseep. I just want to get back to normal. I want to be grounded inm y sexual orientation which ist ill feel is straight and i want to let go of porn, which i. Think will help in desensitizing my brain to stuff thats not really my nature and orientation. Ive been watching porn basically for about 12 years from when i was 7-8 to now (18) so im figuring all these unclear feelings in orientation and fetishes are basiclly a result of that. I want to be free and ive been practising self addirmations such as "i am grounded inmyheterosexuality" everyday but then i feel like my own brain tries tomock me by picturing homosexual acts and saying stuff like no your gay,, which i know wouldnt be teue because if aniything i would be bi..but even that i seriously dont feel. I also have a bad relationship with my mom as shes overy pocessive of me and doesnt treat me like a man most of the time. I didnt grow up with my dad and never had any physical male role models for a significant enough period of time. My mom literally treats me like a baby and talks to me like im 6..but to a point where its weird and ive never seen anything like it. I dont feel like a man aroundher and kind of dont know how it is to be a man around women. I also dont know how it feels like to love a woman or my mom for real while being recognized for who i am inside. I feel like my weird relationship withmy mom makesme feel like an impotent man who is conditionned to be like a little baby girl who cant be sexually polorized with women. All these things are testingmy. Orientation all the time. But when im calm i dont have any of these weird thiught s or homosexual thoughts and fantasies. Also when i withm y male freinds i dont feel like less of. A man and start fantatsizingmabout them. But sometimes my brain plays games and starts picturing weird sh*t.Does anyone have anyinsights onmy experience..please!!!! Thank you ps. I feel like im getting better everyday but i was just hoping someone could help alittle..thank you
I also would masturbate to straight porn for like a decade untill rscemtly it doesnt do the trick everytime i want it to. Sometimes it feels like gay porn has the fix
You should be fine since he pulled out before he came, however if he has blood on his penis, that doesnt cause pregnancy at all