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So im 17 wks pregnant, and 21. I never wanted to have children until i was financially stable and at a good place in my life, I have had one miscarriage last year, and am pregnant again. It was very unexpected and to be honest with you I wanted to have an abortion. Im not ready and I wanted my children to have a better life then my boyfriend and i did, without struggle. But I was too far along and when I saw my baby moving I just couldnt do it. So I have been taking my vitamins and trying to eat right, and take care of my responsibility, but i have never been so scared in my life!! Im a dancer and my boyfriend is great and i love him but is very immature, and not even close to being ready for a baby, and he doesnt have the best job. We have a good relationship and I think hes a great guy the best ive met, and he says that hes ready for everything but he shows me something different. He likes to party and drink alot ( he grew up with parents who drank and smoked pot with him %-) ) I dont like to, and cant while Im pregnant, Im gonna have to stop working soon and he doesnt get payed very much. Weve had many talks and he said that hed take care of us but hes still partying all the time, and spends the most of our money on that stuff. Ive been very emotional lately, but when I say anything to him when I get mad he freaks out and yells, and says hurtful things to me which hes never done before. I feel like I dont even know him anymore and that Im losing him. Im a pretty strong girl, but tonight my boyfriend got drunk and had a bunch of friends over (including 2 girls) and after he new I was mad got up on the table and started stripping! I couldnt belive it thats not the type of person he is, and hes never acted like that befor! When I say hes wrong and what he did hurt my feelings its no big deal. My friend thinks hes acting up cause im pregnant, but if he keeps acting like this...its not gonna work out between us, and I told him that but it doesnt go through his head. Im scared to be alone with this baby. Does anyone have advice on what to do...is it normal to act out...and does it get better? Im so stressed and feel alone, I dont even look at him the same way, I love him but I need to know if any of the behavior is normal and what should I do! Thanks SORRY SOOOOO LONG :-P

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Hi honey! I nor anyone else on here can tell you wether or not to stay with your boyfriend. ALL I know and can tell you is that for the most part - not saying ALL of course - men aren't as ready to have children as we are! They don't even think it's real until they either see the baby or see the ultrasound! Has he been with you for your ultrasound? Put the picture on your fridge, so everytime he goes for that beer he will see YOUR baby!

I will tell you a story about my husband, we had a 2 year old and 1 on the way, like due within 2 weeks! My husband announced to me that he was going to a STRIPPER bar with his buddy, I was incensed!!! And blew a casket, all I kept thinking of is that he would be surrounded by naked women, drinking beer, being around smoke, and I go into labour! I was unconsolable! And he STILL went out! So I TOTALLY understand your frustration! Also know that at your age, and in this day and age, 20 year old are VERY immature! He might have feelings like "you tricked him" etc. etc. And he might surprise you when the baby comes, but I doubt it! So what you have to do is decide wether you are going to be a "single mom" while in a relationship, or a "single mom" by yourself! I know MANY women AND men who are technically single parents, yet still married! Also know that it is our natural instinct to be maternal, it is a man's natural instinct to protect his place! So normally a man isn't that "into" his child, until there is more interaction! From both sides - moms and dads - there can be a lot of resentment towards baby! But what everyone has to understand is that it was NEVER the baby's choice! It was the parents!

What concerns me is him starting to yell at you! And ALL I can say about his honey is if you EVER feel that this is going to escalate, you get so far away from this guy! Because when you have a baby - under regular circumstances - there is a LOT of stress! Sleepless nights, financial, physical, emotional etc. And IF there isn't some sort of respect from both, and above all tenderness, then it will escalate quickly! So it's time to sit him down and REALLY discuss what's about to happen - sooner than later! And really listen to him honey! He might feel like he is not "supposed" to say he doesn't want to be a dad right now! Because that sounds horrible, doesn't it? BUT at least it would be his truth, and for him to be acting out, means that he IS hiding something! And it is probably how he feels about all of this! IF he puts his friends and partying ahead of you and your baby, then thats huge! It doesn't mean that it will always be like this, but there HAS to be open and TRUTHFUL communication! You have to be truthful too, and tell him that you did NOT intend to do this! Things happen and it takes 2 to make a baby! So have a good heart to heart and really try and take the emotion out of it! Which I know is hard, it will be better for you both! Let me know how it goes OK? Good luck and health!
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Thank you for your advice. I know that I need to really talk to him and Im going to, and ill make sure I do whats right for me and my baby. Ill keep you updated. Thanks again :-)
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You're welcome honey and lots of hugs to you and your baby!
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I want to tell you a story of my own.

My husband (25)and I (24) have always wanted to have kids, but we wanted to wait until we were financially stable just like you, but then everyone told us that if you wait until you are financially stable it will never happen. I am not sure how true that is, but we took that to heart, but tread with caution. We tried and tried for forever until one day we figured it would never happen and stopped trying. Well in late October one year we both got laid off. A week later i found out I was pregnant. We were happy, but more so worried up to our eyeballs. We had no jobs or money coming in to support this baby. My husband finally got a job at McDonald's and it wasn't much, but it was enough to get to the doctor and put some food on the table.

We figured this would help out the stressed situation, but it didn't. In a way it made things worse. We started fighting all the time and yelled at each other. I was where you are now. I thought how could I have a child with this man, but I will agree with the other woman in saying that your natural instinct right now is to be maternal to that baby. In January my husband's brother came up for a week and they wanted to go out on the town in Nashville. I did not want to go and watch him get drunk and parooze, but the talked me into going anyway. Well, his brother and him wanted to go into Coyote Ugly. Now I do not know if you have seen the movie or not, but it is exactly the same. I argued and pleaded that we not, but they drug me anyway. This was not like my him either. If I did not want him to go to a bar he wouldn't go and now he acted like he could care less. Thank fully I was only 20 and we could not get in.

My husband used to be really bad into smoking weed and partying and living life to the fullest. He was in and out of jail before and while we were dating. I eventually got to the point that I told him look I will marry a man who lives like this especially if you want to bring a child into this world. Things eventually straightened out and he Thanks me for helping him through it. Now I am not promoting that you do this. I do not know what kind of relationship you have or anything, but if he loves you, then he might try to settle things down. Just get everything else under control first before you start talking to him about this.

I know this is milder than your experiences, but it is the same concept. In the end I think they act out in being that they feel they are finally getting tied down and this makes them feel like they can't breathe. They argue because they are just as stressed as you are. A mans internal instinct is t be a provider and when they have one extra person to provide for, but they have no way of seeing how much it will take they panic wandering how they will ever do it. I also know that some men do not feel a strong bond for their baby yet because they are more or less jealous. They do not get the bonding time that you do. They do not get to know them as you. I am not saying that this why he is acting out and yelling, but it could be. Men do not know how to express their feelings and they will do stupid things because of it. When you talk to him do not go at it aggressively and if e talks really listen to what he has to say.

Just tread cautiously and in the end if he doesn't straighten out you will both need to see what is best for you all and foremost your child. Just have faith. I am soory that you are having a rough time.
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Thankyou carroll: I think most couples ESPECIALLY if you are having financial concerns, are in this SAME position! There were MANY times before during and after I had my children where I didn't know the person sitting across from me at the dining table! But I'm sure he could say the same thing! When we are ALL scared, we find ourselves becomings something we swore that we would never become. Saying things we shouldn't say etc.! So even though I'm a strong advocate for women and empowering women, I also know - from personal experience that why shouldn't a man feel the EXACT same way that we do?!!! If they are acting out, it's that they CAN! Right? They can kick and scream and act out, but how would we look pregnant and having a tantrum?! We are having a tantrum inside, and in our dreams with our fears of the unknown, but it's not the "right" thing to say outloud! And I think it's time for everyone to be able to verbalize their fears without retribution. And to be able to be heared and for others to tell you - like on here - that they have had the EXACT same feelings and worries! Because nothing makes us feel so "settled" than knowing that we aren't the only ones, and we no longer beat ourselves up for having doubts!

I know financies are HUGE when raising a baby, but I also know very well off people who have had the exact same worries and concerns as I did! There is some truth to waiting till your more financially stable, but really when does it end? So if a baby is planned or is a "surprise" you have to roll with it, and give it everything you have don't you!?

Keep on talking about your feelings honey! It's the best way, then you get people like carroll and I telling you, you're not alone!
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BAMBI27::: HI!! I just wanted to keep you updated and its nice to have someone to talk to about all this.So after that night that really upset me I was just depressed all day, and had no interest in talking to him at all because he didnt say sorry and acted like it was no big deal. So we really didnt talk till the next day, and then I sat down and told him that we needed to talk and made sure he knew that I didnt want to fight and I just really need to know the truth about how he felt. I told him how i felt about being pregnant and how our relationship has been going, and that it was very important to me to know how he really felt no matter what. He insisted up and down that hes ready (as ready as he can be under the circumstances) and that i had nothing to worry about and everything would be better. Well I just dont really believe him...you know how you can tell if you significant other is lieing or sugar coating something? Well thats how i felt, i mean hes great and im sure he wants to do all that stuff, but he knows hes having to give up a lot. Im not a very emotional person, it takes a lot to make me cry and get depressed, usually i just get mad...but lately i cry over everything! Things that are so stupid, im worried cause im just sad and lazy all the time, i dont wanna have sex, work, or get outta bed! Ive heard of prenatal depression and I think im going through that. Do you think I should tell my doc? And is there something he can do to help me deal with this? Cause I know it will make everything 10 times worse in my relationship if I stay this way. But I am excited in a couple weeks I should be able to tell the sex of my baby, and my boyfriends gonna come so I think that might help it sink in alil more for him. I know I dont know you but its very nice to have someone to talk to and appreciate your advice. Thanks again :-P
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Hi honey! Right now you have not only outside stress - boyfriend, financial etc, but you have internal stress - HORMONES!!! I will tell you a story about me! I was about 6 or 7 months pregnant with my first boy, my husband and I were in the mall shopping. A guy called out my husbands name and we walked over to him, my husband shook his hand and the guy kind of looked at me and him sortof saying "And who is this?!" my husband ignored me, so I left I went into the middle of the quilt section and cried my eyes out! He found me and I was like "You are SO embarrassed of me that you didn't introduce me to him!" He replied "I Don't remember his name so I was embarrassed and I didn't know what to say about asking him his name!" This woman walked by and because I was crying she told my husband off!!!!!! o.O XD I am NEVER like that, but I could NOT help it! My husband still to this day talks about my "Mental breakdowns" because even when I was "irrational" I would be crying my eyes out, but then start laughing through my tears because I could NOT believe what was happening!!! I was having and in and out of body experience!!! ;-) XD XD

You are TOTALLY acting normal honey! I know you don't think so, but you are! There is guilt, jealousy, irritability, happiness, depression, etc. But I promise you as soon as your boyfriend sees that baby and hears and sees the beating heart, THIS WILL be the defining moment in him! It was the same as my husband, as soon as he saw not just a blip but a babys face turning towards the camera and pouting!! He had tears in his eyes and became more "into it!" And like he said "It wasn't real till I saw that, was that amazing or what!!!!" IF he doesn't change after that, THEN this will show you what's going to happen! He can't really tell you how he is going to be honey, because he hasn't gone through this before either right?! You can think you will instantly bond with the baby, and be surprised when you don't! It's the unknown, and nothing can prepare you for this! So all I can say is honey, is to relax and just go with the flow! Keep on having open communication! ALSO have you thought about adoption of the baby?! Just incase you both aren't ready for this! There is open adoption too! Just know that there IS another option out there for you IF things deterioate OK? But I think it will be OK? IF he acts out then you need to put that on the table, OR get your mind around being a single mom! It's not a threat, BUT at the same time he HAS to know how serious you are about this!

There isn't much that can be done for prenatal depression - as the drugs can be VERY detremental to the baby! BUT there is no harm in asking! It will work out honey!
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I agree with what Diamond said. It sounds to me like you are acting completely normal. I remember when I was pregnant with my son that I stayed in bed until my husband would come from work at McDonald's and drag me out or wake me up. Everything made me cry and I am a BIG softy, but it was ten times worse while I was pregnant. I remember my husband made me breakfast in bed one day and it was french toast. He is weird and likes to put garlic powder on his and sometimes mine when I ask him not too. Well, he made me this french toast and I took one bite of it and I tasted that garlic powder and I asked him about it. He told me he had forgot and apologized. Normally I would joke about it, but this time I felt like I was bombarded with 1500 different emotions and sat and stared at the plate. When he came to eat with me he asked me what was wrong and I said you put garlic powder on it. Of course he was a bit aggravated and said I could get up and make it the way I like it if I was gonna make a fuss about it. I immediately started balling my eyes out and blurting things out like he must hate me and all kinds of things. I remember looking at him in mid bite and his look of total shock and getting so mad I stormed into the kitchen and through my breakfast away then proceeded to go sit on the couch and pout. He came in there after he got done eating and asked what that was all about and then I started crying again. HE laughed at me this time and told me it would be okay. I was okay too I was just completely over run with hormones. I would cry over the stupidest stuff, but in the end I was okay. I am just glad that he finally came around realized that he wasn't the only one in fits and we could help in supporting each other.

I even remember when I started having those crazy pregnancy dreams. Half of them all had to deal with my husband cheating on me. I remember waking up every morning jealous and heart broken even though I knew it was just a dream. I mean who has sex in the little tea cup ride you see at the fair. Or at the end of a hallway in a court house. No one I know of. I would always tell him about them and he would laugh and I get teary eyed and wonder if he would ever really do those things, but I knew better. He never had the time. He spent every waking moment with me whether he liked it or not, but I also knew he loved me. The point it is whether I knew the answers to things or not my hormones would make me second guess myself or react to something that didn't even need a reaction. I think the more time you spend worrying about whether or not you are sane or if it is you or your hormones talking ... the more you will lose yourself to them and the more you will lose from how great pregnancy can be. Minus the five months of morning sickness, premature labor, fits of bundles emotions, and worring about my husband I loved being pregnant. There is nothing like feeling that baby kick or roll for the first time. Or nothing like seeing them on that ultrasound machine ... even when the technician tells you he looks like a little alien. o.O 8-| 8-| o.O If you do not feel the joy in all this then there is nothing wrong with you. Some women find joy in the whole process (and some don't), but whether or not they feel the same once that baby comes out is a different story. You shouldn't be surprised if you do not have instant connection either, but do not automatically assume you are a bad person or that you will never love your baby. I remember when my son was put in my arms. I remember watching all these baby shows on t.v. I thought I was gonna cry and be rejoiced and not want to let my baby go. It was not the case exactly. I remember being afraid to touch him because he looked gross and I did not cry. I did not really demand to hold him at first. I was more than willing to let my brother or mom to first. I was not sure whether or not I loved him. I felt awful, but wasn't showing it. I remember them bringing him in that night to breast feed and he was not hungry. I fell asleep with him in the crook of my arm and when I woke up I knew then that I loved him as I felt a surge of warmth pass through my body as i laid my eyes on the splitting image of my husband. SO it took me half a day to realize that I loved him, some women longer, others not at all, but that doesn't mean you unfit or bad. Adoption is a great thing too if you ever think about going down that road. It is such an amazing thing so if you ever feel it is what you want or need to do. Do not feel bad about making that decision.
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