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I recently overheard my boyfriend talking to himself when he was using his computer. I was in the next room & heard him saying that he wanted to suck penis & that he wanted a penis in his bottom. I'm assuming he was looking at men online. This was troubling me for days so I confronted him. At first he denied it then i told him i recorded it. He said he was messed up & he can't explain it. After a lot of going around in circles & crying he finally told me he was raped by his father as a child for years & he doesn't understand why he does it. He said he's never been with a man properly but his brain just makes him go there.

I know what its like to be abused as a child & I told him my secret too. I've never told anybody & it was really hard for me to do but I wanted him to know that I can understand a little of how he feels. My feelings for him haven't changed, I'm very much in love with him as I have always been. We talked a little, cried a lot but it's a hard subject for us both.

The only thing that's bothering me, is does he still do it? Look for guys online? I didn't actually ask about what he was doing when I heard him. The stuff with his dad was more than enough to talk about.

I did ask him the next day if he has ever cheated on me, I thought maybe he needed more than I can give him. He was very upset & to be honest I don't blame him. I would be too, but I had to ask.

I do trust him but now I wonder if he's thinking of me during sex or thinking of guys. It bothers me a little but I feel I can get past it. I love him so much but it's hard for me to understand. Also, in the past he has wanted me to take part in anal sex. I know some men like anal sex with women which is fine, but now I'm wondering if he wanted to do that so he could think of men. I haven't done it but was considering it for a while. This has totally made up my mind not to.

What do you think I should do. We both said we don't want to keep bringing it up, so I don't feel talking will do us much good. It's such a hard subject.

All advice welcome...


I'm sorry about the childhood abuse, that is so unfair and sad. He may be curious about men so I would consider letting him try hooking up (using protection) with a guy. I am bisexual and in a committed relationship with my boyfriend. A few months ago I made out with a girl (she's transgender, born male but identifies as female - has breasts) to see if I like girls. I was satisfied after that, knowing I was bisexual and not just curious or questioning. It was very hard for my boyfriend because I did it sooner than he wanted me too. He was angry and hurt but he's slowly starting to trust me again. If your boyfriend turns out to be bisexual, he can still be with you if he loves you but if he's gay then it would be better to separate. Best of luck!