I find myself coming back to the question of whether I am straight or not, but it's not something I can easily tolerate. I was always brought up around females and I did latch on to some of the traits that came with that - and I don't think it helped in terms of finding out who I am.
When I was around 12/13 I started to get weird feelings towards my same sex. I had a strange fetish for mens underwear and I began taking more notice of guys than I did girls - and it felt strange. My brother would buy me a poster of a girl in a skimpy outfit and I would put it on my wall, but I never had great interest in it (I did get aroused by it at points, but it soon deteriorated). I have had girlfriends in the past (however all when I was young) and I've recently just got into my first sexual relationship who is of the opposite sex. I was bullied quite a lot by people in school who would call me fat or ugly and I soon found myself becoming distant from girls because I figured I was never good enough - and when I tried I would be rejected; so much so it happened so often that I thought I might as well be gay.
So taking that on board, I started looking at porn (all kinds of straight, lesbian and gay porn) to see which I enjoyed the most. I find that straight was the most satisfying however I enjoyed the gay porn because of the aggression and passion - lesbian was the same except more difficult to get erect to). The fact I actually liked gay porn to an extent was freakish to me considering all the guys in my school would make out like it was the 'gayest' thing you could do or said that they themselves have NEVER watched it - and at this point I was so convinced that I was gay that I even considered never dating girls again and switching to guys. I would google pictures of these guys that I saw girls looking up to at the time (more or less celebrities) and would masturbate over them (but I never had any sexual thoughts - more so I was comparing myself to them to feel better about myself).
I just don't know what to do anymore. I know when a guy is attractive and if I see one I will go out of my way to walk near them or past them just to look at them - but I don't exactly do that for females. If I see a picture of a guy who is shirtless, I get like a weird feeling. I don't know if I have any sexual attraction to men but I have never had such thoughts or imagined settling down with a man. I've always wanted to marry a woman, have children and life a happy yet straight life. I often found that at school I couldn't get changed in a male changing rooms without feeling so insecure or weird - and I would look at the other guys but then regret it because I didn't see any attraction. When I watch porn, I tend to focus on the guys movements like the thrusts or the way he rags her about and I worry that I can't determine who I want to be in that situation...the man? or the woman?
Me and my girlfriend are sexually active however both virgins. When I'm doing things with her, I only focus on what's in front of me and I will be having the time of my life - but then we could go out in public together and I will find myself staring at guys and I don't know why, I don't really really any sexual attraction - just physical! I feel so guilty because I am in love with my girlfriend and find her both sexually and romantically attractive, yet still have these thoughts? When we first started oral I would panic because I couldn't get hard - but I knew this was because of the fact I masturbated over pictures of guys as opposed to girls. People always assumed I was gay and I even once has a gay guy try it on with me and it freaked me the hell out - but then people mocked me of it.
Another thing to mention is the bodies of both genders. I do find both bodies physically attractive - but when I look at a guys body it feels a lot different. Am I admiring? Am I comparing? I'm a chubby guy and not exactly attractive but my girlfriend thinks otherwise - and I do suffer with a case of BDD and quite severe anxiety. I love her body too and I always play with her boobs and I love her wearing tight clothes, yet I also find the male body just as (if not more) attractive.
My head is so f**king messed up right now (and I say this every freaking time). If I was so certain I was straight, why do I keep questioning it and why do I stare a guys more than girls?
Please, please help me. I don't want to live like this anymore.
I should also add that I am 17, should this be of any help.