Local celeberity. gay. What should I do?

I'm a local celeberity. I'm the king of my university, among students from 11 divisions of my country. Since I was very very young, my mom always teach me not to have interest in girls. She said u can be friends but never love a girl. My brother used to make joke that I'm in love with a girl. At that time, mom scolded him. I had to be angry with my bro becoz if I didn't, I was scolded too. It's all because of my dad. He's dating and having sex with my mom's best friends. Mom hates him. So, she always told me, "u must not be like him, control urself". We r asian. My mom and grandma taught me and my sis together how to live politely. But it depress my male nature. Playing football, going outside even for 30 minutes except school, playing games, all sports. Everything they taught me is art and reading. Gradually I'm scared of boys. I feel shy whenever I'm infront of boys. Most of my friends r girls. I live like a girl throughout my life. My sis make me wear her clothes. At first, I denied. Mom knew that and my sis was scolded. She cried. I didn't want them sad. I can't sleep well at night from primary to high school, nearly 8 years because everynight my dad beat my mom. I can't get sleep n passed most of the nights crying. Today, I become a gay. I hate girls. Once, I loved a girl in 9th grade. I was so scared my mom would know that. To me, it's a sin worth to death. Later, she loves with one of my friends. Now I can't make myself interested in girls. I like guys. I have had 3 boyfriends. They all r straight. But I also learnt how to attract a guy from my sis and my homemates. So, I could make these guys my bf. In my country, there's no place for gays. They think gays r just a shame for nation, gays r not to be regarded as a human. What should I do? I tried to have a gf at 18. But even while I was trying, I felt like a criminal. I know trying to get gf is just normal. But I can't feel that way. Now I enjoy being gay. But my brain tell me, "u must not be" while my heart says," just release all ur feelings, don't try to hide it.". I'm so confused and I tried to suicide twice. I admit I don't wanna die. But my thoughts force me. I'm a sinner. I used to cry atleast 4 times a week for 3 years. Also, I'm popular, I'm so scared someone would notice me. I'm confused, anxious, depressed and sad all the time. I can't either go foreign. By the way, my ambition is to be an actor, not to be a doctor. But they force me. I really want to escape this life. My mom is an asthma patient and has heart disease. Suicide my self can also make her die. So, I found no way out. What should I do? Sorry if my post so long and if there is wrong spelling. I'm bad in english.