Hi, I am 26 and have smoked every day for the last 10 years. For the last 3 years I cut down and stopped considering myself a recreational smoker and basicly just tried to stay a little high all the time (maybe one or two hits every couple hours or a bowl or two a day). Without any, I had an inability to focus, eat, and my bi-polar and depression would surface.
For the last year my work has consumed my life and fell out of the loop with most of my friends and the people I could get it from couldn't supply me anymore. Because of that and the fact that I felt socially unaccepted only being around non-smokers, I decided to quit.
Before, while I self-medicated, I was ambitious, creative, and could handle most stress in my life. Even while not high, the fact that in a few hours i could be got me through the day. I did have depression spells every once in a while, but could just as easily pre-occupy myself and get over it.
Now, two months since my last bowl. I resent everything and everyone (including myself). I have no interest in any of the many hobbies I once had. I still cannot focus which has become a major problem with my work. I always feel like I'm unwanted. The worst thing someone can say to me is that their proud of me for quitting weed because i'm obviously not better off (if I'm not at work, I'm in bed thinking about how much of a waist I am). before, people didnt always understand my way of thinking and i took that as them thinking I was stupid, but I didnt care because one day i would show them otherwise. Now, I feel like im too stupid to even try to accomplish anything, that im already doing better than i should be so theres no point in trying to excel in life, and that I should just not talk to anyone because anything I say is gonna make me look and feel even stupider than i already do.
I smoked one time in the last 2 months and it was after a manic episode and one minute after smoking, all i could think was "WTF was I thinking" (referring to how i was acting before-hand)
I have an appointment to go see a shrink even tho im scepticle because I've already been through the whole perscription trial an error thing before and it is no fun at all. I just want my motivation and [abiltiy to not give a f**k about what other people think] back. I wanna know what is wrong with me. My appetite has come back and i do not have the crave to get high anymore but I really think I should move to a state where I can be perscribed and not have to worry about where I'm gonna be able to get it? or should I see what kind of pills the doctor can have me experiment with? any thoughts?