My boyfriend and I have been together over a year now. We're both young, in our mid twenties. I know he loves me very much, as I do him. We used to have amazing sex, at least once a night or even twice. We do not live together but hang out just about every night at my house, also we spend most weekends together.
I've always gotten the feeling he's been a little intimidated. He pursued me a year prior to us getting together,I kind of blew him off, he got back with his ex. Around this time last year he reached out to me again and this time got through to me. We've been together since.
He's never been very confident in bed. I know he's attracted to me because he tells me I'm the most attractive girl he's been with and u know he's very in love with me, however, he's also said in the past he does not feel experienced in bed and feels like he doesn't satisfy me. I've always told him I love having sex with him and have said that I am satisfied (which is all true).
I can tell he's intimidated in bed. He will not go down on me and will not finger me. Not because he doesn't want to, I feel it's more because he's afraid he won't do it "right". I've always been the one to initiate and take the lead with sex, and in the past, this has always worked for him.
The ED started early on. At first, it was once in a blue moon and usually when he was drunk, so that was fine. However, when it happened, he'd get VERY down on himself and angry with himself... For an entire day usually.
It started happening more and more, finally at about once a week and with no real reason this time. Over Thanksgiving weekend we got in a fight and I said some not nice things. I called him a p***y out of anger. I know it shattered his self esteem but I apologized and truly did not mean it. I never speak to him like that.
Since then, it has happened more and more and now, he cannot get it up at all! About two times over the past two weeks I've gotten angry about it. I know that's an awful way to handle it but its frustrating, especially knowing how great our sex used to be.
It's like he has this mental block now. I know he loves me and wants to have sex but I think the performance anxiety now kills him. He's so terrified of it happening that its all he thinks of.
Now, when we hang out (and this is every time, every night) either we will start making out, get hot and heavy. At some point hell just stop and sort of slump over. I know that means he can't get it up so I stop and the night is shot.
Or, he won't even try at all. A few times this week we lay on my couch and just fall asleep. He doesn't try, and I'm terrified to try anything bc I don't want him to feel embarrassed if it happens. When he leaves, he is so upset again that we did not have sex.
PLEASE help me. I know this is long but hopefully the paragraphs make it easy to skim through. He's not happy with his situation, he recently moved back in with his dad. He says being with me is all that makes him happy, and I feel the same with him. However, this mental block is ruining our sex life and harming our relationship. Do we need time apart? I just don't know what to do...
medic-dan109453
Hi AndHar,
He might start with seeing his doctor for an exam, just to rule out anything medical causing this.
It sounds like he has some issues that he needs to work out. Lack of confidence and self esteem will kill an erection. If he's afraid he won't perform well he probably won't. You're yelling at him and getting frustrated won't improve things.
He's now afraid to perform for fear he'll fail. Anxiety will also cause problems.
I can understand you are frustrated but you also need to know that it happens to all men at some point in their lives. Stress, frustration, and his moving back with his dad is probably all contributing to his failure to perform.
What to do? Back off. Don't press for sex, just cuddle and hold each other. If he takes the initiative then go with it. Don't put him under any pressure to perform. If he lose his erection don't focus on it but try something else until he's ready - if he wants to.
It really can take a while for him to regain his self confidence. Just remember - IT IS NOT YOU.