Well as a short summary, I've been with my fiancee for almost 8 years now and I actually never had sex before her. I mentioned my interest in anal sex almost at the very beginning of our sexual life some like 7.5 years ago.
We tried at that time once but had to stop due to pain when the head popped in. Now of course I understand that she never actually wanted anal sex, it was just a new relationship and she wanted to please me and endure pain.
In the due course of 8 years we also had an accident :) While doing it the vaginal way in a fast rythym it came out and went in the wrong place. It hurt her like hell - even made her cry a little bit, she said the pain went on for 3 days.
After waiting for 8 years this year I wanted to ask her to try (mentally) once more. When she was really drunk she let me touch, but just touch - no fingers inside. Then after some talk we agreed that she would let me touch, but when I tried to lick or push a finger just a little her face was as if she saw a ghost.
So the issue is clearly not the pain, well at least pain is manageable if you do it right. She treats the idea of Anal sex with utmost disgust. Actually she hates Porn too beyond comprehension. (She says she feels like vomiting)
We had a long discussion about this in the last days and from what I understand she finds anal sex unnatural, disgusting, risky and painful. Well and made clear its never going to happen. (although I mentioned thousands of times that what we did wasn't trying, at least not properly in any sense)
Now from my perspective;
I certainly took it slow, waited almost 8 years now. Never pushed her to actually stick the penis in, I know its a long way from starting to enjoy Anal sensations. I am ok with for example she not swallowing cum, she hates the taste, thats certainly fine, I never asked her to do that in 8 years, not even once.
We as humans know for a Fact that if its not blocked by Pyschological issues, Anal sex Has to be very pleasureable, its simply biology. So I can't get my head over this Anal issue because in my mind a Woman Enjoying Anal sex in any way (it doesn't have to be penis penetration) is free of Taboos, completely open minded, and knows her biology enough to abuse it to have pleasure. Being open to this "abuse" of oneself's body just for pleasure is in my mind the difference between us and say Monkeys. (In the end isn't oral sex abuse too, in some sense equally unnatural?)
In the period of 8 years I tried very hard to get her mind to open to new ideas in sex. Tried to make her watch educative sex documentaries (one of which included anal sex in detail), this was very hard since she considers watching someone else doing it disgusting , once in a while tried to explain the nerve endings, pleasure, statistics of people actually doing it, how to not have pain doing it etc. everything I could think of. Well, it didn't work :)
Currently it seems we are at the point of no return. I have pushed her a lot in the last few weeks (not physically) and now she certainly refuses to talk on this matter saying that its never gonna happen. Actually she clearly states nothing sexual will ever happen in the anus region, no finger no toy no penis no tongue nothing. She even stated a few times that I am a pervert for desiring it this much etc. Even to the point that she said I am "free" to go try this on someone else because I will never get it from her. (of course underline this would mean breaking up if happened)
And this really bothers me, not only because I will never ever have anal sex in any way, although of course this is an issue too, but I can't get my head over the fact that she is so close-minded to not even try to have pleasure out of it, without any pain present such as licking. Now everytime we have sex my mind is on this and I really can't get myself to want to have sex, simply because knowing that she is so close-minded she is not sexy for me anymore - not even one bit.
I know for a fact that she loves me, and I do certainly love her but... What should I do, any ideas? Did I push her too much? (Although I hardly think so) How can the relationship go like this while I am losing my sexual interest on her? (although my love is not chaning)
It's her body, her choice. You need to respect that. Not all women like anal, or porn.
You can't say for certain that she'll experience pleasure. The anus is really not designed for sex as the tissues are very fragile.
So, give up on the idea, it's not happening.
Hope it helps.
Dear physics guy:
I am a 25 yr old woman who has anal sex on a regular basis. The first time I had anal sex was an accident, just like the situation you described above. It was painful, bled for 2 days and I was convinced anal was the most horrible thing in the world. Some time later I had a new boyfriend who was very gentle and loving, and he wanted to try anal. I decided in myself that I wanted to try it FOR ME, not for him. We figured our way through it slowly -- lots of lube, finger play, and after 5 or 6 different nights of just putting the head in we eventualy worked up to full penetration; which I found pleasurable despite the initial fear.
Now the truth is, I liked the IDEA of it. It turned me on. But NOT ALL WOMEN find the idea sexual. It is slightly painful for most, no matter how much lube you use; and MANY women or men find zero pleasure in it. And if someone does not find something sexual, you have no right to continue pressuring them. If she found it highly sexual to slowly feed an object up your urethra (the opening of your penis; this practice IS done by some couples and they enjoy it; google urethral play) and you found the idea horrifying, would you do it? Wouldn't you get frustrated if she continued to ask?
Move on. The male experience of anal sex is not that much different from vaginal sex, in fact many guys I have done it with said it was not as pleasurable for them as vaginal. It is mostly phsychological. Your phsychological obsession with anal sex is exaclty the same as her phsychological disgust with it. You think she should be able to get over this phsychological issue, but you are just as weak in your need to try it. If your need for it is greater than your love for her, its time to break it off.
If what you've stated is true, then she is very unadventurous since she is unwilling to even allow any kind of play in the region of her anus, let alone try anal sex. In my mind this is a major hang up, but we are all different and as the other posters say, this is her body and up to her.
That you'e lasted 8 years with such differing sexual needs/preferences is surprising. Many people underestimate how important a factor in the success of a relationship this can be.
Clearly this desire of yours will not be going away and so you'll either have to put up with your frustration or realise maybe you aren't as compatible as you had imagined and move on.
It is possible for women to enjoy anal sex (I know this as my partner and I only have anal and not vaginal as we both prefer it), but some are so set against it that they'll never find out. In your case I fear it won't be productive to attempt any more persuasion.
Honestly it sounds like you and your fiance are on two separate pages when it comes to sex. She seems uncomfortable with a lot of things, which you may or may not be able to help her over come. I used to be insecure about sex and my body until I met my husband and he helped me become very comfortable with my sexuality. Maybe you could help ease into things she thinks are not comfortable or "normal". A lot of women dislike porn because it makes them feel insecure about their bodies. Always tell your fiance how beautiful and sexy you think she is. Make her feel like the only girl in the world and she may be willing to try to expand your sex life.
If not maybe you should consider that maybe you two aren't a good match? Sex is a very huge and important part of a relationship, if you don't have the passion to physically show each other your love then maybe it isn't there. Sex between partners should be fun and exciting, it is the most intimate thing we have with each other! It should be enjoyable for BOTH partners.
If you really want anal this much, why don't you offer to let her perform anal on you? Show her it's not scary by letting her be the one in control of you receiving it. I think it will also help you appreciate her point of view on this issue. *my two cents*
she is not closed minded i tried anal and i passed out from it so stop judging because anal does really hurt i tried 3 times and my boyfriend hates that i wont Let him keep going here is my answer to that aways ... how about u let someone put theirs in ur but :-P he still loves me....I HOPE
She does have a right not to be in to it, but there are few things I would not try if they were a great desire for the woman I love.
There are countless posts here & elsewhere of women who have tried it and hated it only to try it again later in life and love it.
For me, I enjoy it so much, I don't think I would be compatible with a new partner if they didn't like it, or weren't willing to try it (probably more the second part as I wouldn't be attracted to a closed mind)
Imagine if she loved vaginal sex or cunningilus I and you hated it, would anyone really expect her to go a lifetime without experiencing these basic pleasures?
There is an Anal Sex thread at Woman's Health section of About. Com that is over 1000 posts long. It is fascinating reading for the number of women who have read the posts, tried it differently and had a "hallelujah moment" and re-posted on the thread.
I would read through it with her one Sunday morning.
I completely agree with THIS reply. Let your fiancee insert a dildo in your anus and show her with your response that the feeling is marvelous. That will pique her curiosity. Then, map out a long term plan to make her aware of her backside as an erogenous zone. For example, place a well lubricated fingertip against her opening right before she cums. You'll teel her twitching there, and you'll enhance her orgasm by about 30%. Next, give her a "backrub with benefits" I call it: Give her a nice backrub, then start kissing down her spine. She will know where you are headed. Gently spread her cheeks, and lick from her tailbone down towards her rosebud. Then gently lick the opening. first with your tongue flat then with it pointed, like a little penis. Probe into her opening and enjoy the unique taste (assuming she's squeaky clean). Then, like petty a cat, take it away leaving her wanting more. Eventually, on a lazy Sunday morning, lubricate the head of your penis and tell her you want to rub it against her opening while she plays with her clit. Tell her her rosebud twitches when she does that, and it will stimulate your penis head. After a couple of times like this, ask her if you can GENTLY put the head of your penis just inside her opening. Remember, there are two anal rings. The exterior one is easy to get past, and very pleasurable. The 2nd one, the inside one, is the OUCH one. So be aware. There are two ways to get your penis past the 2nd ring. The first is to have her push outward, like she's defecating. It fools the ring into letting the sausage pass, albeit in the wrong direction LOL. the second way is to insert a slim, smooth, tapered dildo just past the Ouch ring and the jiggle with some vigor it for about 10 seconds. This also confuses the ring into relaxing. And, as EVERYBODY has said, there is no such thins as too much lube in anal sex. Tell your fiancee there are about 1,000 times the nerve endings in the rectum as in her vagina; and indeed the vagina is pretty numb compared to the anus. This is why so many women ask their men to shove it into their ass to finish off a sex session with a big Texas grin. Hope all this helps you get to the promised land inside her butt.
Oh my god, is this post a joke? First, how on earth can you--a guy--purport to KNOW that women enjoy anai sex? No, it is NOT a "biological fact" that females enjoy this. It's not even a "fact" that all women enjoy vaginal sex. These are not things that can be called facts; it's all a matter of taste and preference. It would be much more accurate to say that a majority of women ARE NOT interested in anal sex. I think you have been watching too much porn. More importantly, if she doesn't want to do it, don't try to make her, even passively. That's flat-out rude, selfish and offensive.
I really like ANAL sex more than vagainal. We are married now for 25 years and we start doing it from the first day. After few years we prefer anal sex more than vaginal sex and later we kept doing anal sex only though the idea or the choice of vaginal sex is their and it is open to any one of us but we prefer anal. now we do anal sex every time and always. We do the lubrication every night and be ready for any action at any time and any night and any where, It is a pleasure to see the pleasure on the face of your lover one (if you really love that person). it has NO PAIN at all an no pain forever and we have full satisfaction.. How can you live without having anal sex??? !!!
If she really loves you, she'll let you put wherever and whenever you damn well please.