Three years ago I met a friend that introduced me to the wonderful world of opiates. What started out as an occasional "pick me up" quickly became a nasty addiction that has turned me into a person I don't recognize. I used to be a Sunday school teacher. I didn't have a perfect like but I was a good person with morals and values. After a series of traumatic events I moved away from my friends and family to start over in a new state. I went on anti-depressants, felt great and partied constantly. I told myself that I deserved it after my difficult last few years. What happened to me reminds me of a story that once heard. If you put a frog in a boiling pot of water they will immediately jump out, but if you put a frog in a room temperate pot of water and gradually raise the heat until it is boiling they will die before they think to jump out. After casually using mild opiates for about a year I was introduced to Percocet 30s aka "blues". I started snorting blues and couldn't believe how amazing I felt! I had energy like never before, felt confident, happy and like I could conquer the world. I started stealing anything I could put up my nose. I had a month of sobriety a little over a year ago and there's in all away in a split second for what I told myself was "one more rush." I have isolated so many friends and family members. The only thing I look forward to is putting those 30mg's up my nose. It has becomes second nature to be. I spend hours waiting for blues end trying to get blues. I have over $5k in collections and have ruined my credit history because I put all my money towards drugs. My family and friends have no idea. I learned very early in my addiction that under no circumstances do you tell people you are an addict. I have a good job and on the outside everything looks good but I am secretly battling this addiction and don't know how to stop myself. I want to quit but I am so afraid of the withdrawals. I've gone threw them before and it was the worst hell I've ever experienced. I can't take off work and there is no way I can withdraw at work. I'm sick of constantly wondering where my next fix is coming from and being worried about running out. I can't afford to continue like this. I am not the person that I used to be. I have no joy in my life. Often times when I'm in a big group of people I wonder if anyone else is going through what i am. I feel like such a fake, this secret is eating me up. I mostly wanted to share my story to here from other people out there. What did you do to motivate yourselves and stop yourselves from using? Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. I want to feel like a normal 28 year old again get out of this hell that I'm living in.
Hey S, So, I would just like to say that this took a lot of guts, to be so brutally honest and open. You never know whom your story might help, or help yourself. I haven't ever been addicted to opiates, however, about 20 years ago I was 19, married and a mother of two. I had a 19 month old son & 6 month old daughter. I had basically been pregnant the previous two years of my life, gained a bunch of weight, (as my body had really not had time to lose the baby weight before I was pregnant again. A "friend" introduced me to what used to be called "crank" to lose weight, (was even jokingly called the Jenny Crank diet, which is only funny if you know who Jenny Craig is) I was 191 pounds & 5'2 (basically almost as wide as I was tall) I started snorting a line every morning to kill my appetite, and honestly, try to keep up with two babies while my husband worked 12 hours shifts, came home ate dinner, played with one baby while I bathed the other vise versa, then went to bed while I got them both to sleep. I did everything, cooked (reluctantly, because the thought of food made me want to vomit) took amazing care of my babies (because I had endless energy literally millions of creative ideas to make play time entertaining!) But, mostly I CLEANED, obsessively, cleaned every little nook and cranny, every little spot, piece of lint..seriously.
I too isolated myself from family and friends (except for the one supplying me of course.) My husband and I were both using, he did it before he left for work in the morning, I started using it more and more throughout the day, just to keep the high. I never once had to buy it, my friend was a rather big dealer, and my friend from childhood, so he never made me pay, (not a good thing, looking back.) At any rate, for months I would avoid making plans with my family, mother, sister, friends. I would make excuses over the phone that I was too busy with kids and appointments and the like, to hang out with them. If they said they were going to stop by I would close all the blinds and act like I wasn't there, I was afraid someone would find out and take my kids away, even though I felt like I was super mom! The fact that I was under the influence of an illegal substance would be enough to get them taken away.
Eventually it started to take it's toll on my marriage, we were both not sleeping for days at a time, which wreaks havoc on the body and the mind, we would fight over stupid things that didn't matter. Be paranoid that the other was doing stupid things behind the others back, none of which was true. I was drastically changing body-wise, until one August day I had laid my babies down to nap, & of course I was making good use of the time and was cleaning out the cupboards in my kitchen (pulling out all the dishes and wiping them out & replacing everything) it was a very hot day, I had all the windows & front door open, I was wearing a tiny pair of cut off sweat shorts rolled down passed my belly button and the top to one of my bikini's, I was 122 lbs (I had lost 70 lbs in 9 months.) My mother, sick of being put off for about 3 1/2 months, since the last time she saw me, (I always put on big baggy clothes, double and triple layered, to hide) walked in my home and came around the corner into my kitchen were I was up on the counter to reach the top shelves, she stopped dead in her tracks and stared right at me and asked "Oh, who are you, are you watching the kids?" and about two seconds after it was out of her mouth, it hit her that it was me, I was of course frozen with fear! I got down and she came up to me and burst into tears and hugged me, then held me at arms length and whispered "Oh baby, what's happening, are you dying?" The look on my mothers' face absolutely crushed me, she was deathly scared, totally heartbroken, so confused. I'll never forget that look, and it was my fault. I hope I never see that look again as long as I live.
I decided that day that it was over, I had had my crutch long enough, it started as a quick way to lose two years of baby weight, and give a very young and tired mommy some much needed energy, and turned into the only way I could function. I told my husband that night that I was done, unfortunately he did not want to stop and begged me to continue to get it for him, I did for a a couple weeks, and I found that I was not strong enough to have it around and not do it, so I stopped getting it for him. That did not go over well, & he refused to stop using. In a matter of a month I left him with my babies to start over, drug free, it is the best decision I made at that time in my life. It was hard, trying to take care of two babies and go through withdrawals and not be a raging b**ch to them, I had good days and bad days, but I see people that I used to know back then that were using, and they look twice my age, are missing or have black stumps where their teeth used to be, have arrest records for drugs, have lost their kids, jobs, homes etc...I did have to sacrifice my marriage, but I saved myself...
I don't know if this will be motivating or not, or even help you, all I can say is, even if you don't have kids or a marriage to help you decide that you should stop using, you should be worth enough to yourself, (and perhaps, the future of kids and marriage as a clean and mentally healthy person could be?) You said you moved away, and I would wager that your family misses and loves you & would love to have the old you back. Well this has turned into quite the novel so I will end by saying thank you for your story, and I hope something here has helped. your welcome to msg me any time. Good luck to you.
Thank you so much to both of you for your kind words and encouragement. I have started to taper down and my goal is to be clean and done with withdrawals by Christmas. Please keep me in my prayers and I will do the same for both of you. This is an uphill battle but one that I need to do for myself and my loved ones. Thank you again, blessings to both of you!
Hey Seattle, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Would love to keep in touch while your doing this, if your willing that is. Just a quick hello, see how your doing, even if you are just posting to vent through a tough day, hour, or to say your doing well. Having someone to talk to during this battle could prove to be invaluable. Feel free to PM me if you like, Good luck and God Bless.
I've just been browsing around and stumbled upon this post.....
I'm not an opiate addict (I'm an addict of a different sorts), but Blonde_Inc- your story really touched me, as it sounded very familiar in parts....especially where you mention your cleaning habits, avoidance of family & friends in case they click on to your habit & where you say about how you felt like the a good parent but know others wouldn't see it that way.
You are an inspiration. A MASSIVE well done to you- your babies are very lucky to have such a strong, determined mother.
My love and best wishes to you & your family.
V
Hi Violet_Ivy, Nice to meet ya, and thank you for your kind words. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me, I hope I can do the same. I am glad that post resonated with someone else, I have to admit it was rather emotional for me to relive that, but I am glad I did. You ever need a friend, I am here :-)