oxycodone addiction, withdrawl, mentally makes me feel better, not high, i

 hi my name is julia, i have a terrible problem with oxycontin, and oxcodone. i have a really bad back, but i think i could deal with that, the pain meds, help me to mentally feel better, and that is the real reason i take them! i take meds for severe depression as well, cymbalta, zyprexa, lamactil, but the only thing that lifts that true feeling of depression is an oxycontin 80 and about 4 15's of oxycodone, now one thing i am a true control freak, i never get high off these things, it is not a sense like euphoria or any thing i feel, just normalacy, so i can cope a little better. my usual dose is 2 80's per day, and 4 15's a day, but in the past 2 months , i have gotten out of control! i have gone up to 4 80's per day, and 8 or 10 15's, still not high though, i do not of course take them at once or any thing, and i have always had a stash of pills cause i never ran out, this month and last i did! and now i do not see my doc till the 19th, and so i am down to only one 80 oxycontin per day, ! part of me wants to say to hell with these pills, the other part wants to keep taking them, i need some input badly,. there is a part of me that wants to call my doctor and tell him what is goingg on, but i have signed a pain contract, and i do not want him to drop me, he has been my doctor for about 5yrs now, he is a good christian but i know he will be mad, he thinks i am doing fine, but i am far from fine, please send me your prayers, and any input about this , and personal stories , too , and advice, please post to me. thankyou and god bless you all. catspaw1955