I have been taking it since 2008 with a prescription when I was diagnosed ADD. Started at 20. After a couple years I got 30. I learned I was pregnant - stopped cold turkey. During my pregnancy my ex became abusive mentally, physically. Two months after my son was born we were forced to leave my ex and move in with parents temporarily. The entire situation was very traumatic. I started back on about a month later. I had to find a crappy job to pay bills -even with a BA. I previously relyed on him mainly. That was in January. It is now August. I am now taking 60+ a day. It does nothing for me - I dont even get the initial "high" I just crave a cigarette - which is disgusting, and yet I cave into that as well. I have lost all baby weight plus some. I am 5'5 110 lbs. I look like a boy. The comments are endless - anorexic - bulemic - disgustingly skinny. And each comment I get really upset over-even if its not mean. I am not trying to lose weight. Infact I stopped working out in May (which I was a workoutaholic for years previous). I am depressed. Every day I just want to cry. I know that I have a serious addiction and mentally it is exhausting knowing this. Physically I have been getting sicker and sicker. Always something new wrong with me. I have chronic sinusitis - which is gross - constantly "clearing" sinuses. My skin, hair and eyes are totally dry. I have sharp shooting pains in my stomach. I bruise beyond easy. I am irritable. I get angry when family ask me simple questions. But when I dont take it at all I am a MONSTER because I dont have the option to sleep all day with a 9 month old. Daily migraines. Shakes, freezing, loss of balance.
Does anyone out there have any suggestions. I cannot afford to go to rehab. I am not able to sleep 5 days straight with a son. I am seriously depressed. Its killing me - mentally and physically. Please, if you have sound, knowledgable advice - help...
Hi K. Fran,
Your story sounds so familiar to me as i went thru the same issues with my daughter for almost 5 years. I am not going to baby you here, nor will i stroke your ego. I will talk to you the exact same way i talked to her, minus the screaming. If you decide that you don't like what i am telling you, don't read it. If you can be realistic and totally open to constructive criticsm, then continue reading what i have to say.
So far, all i have read from your post, is excuses! Totally bogus c**p. It is no one's fault that you relapsed after the birth of your son, it's not his father's fault, it's not the baby's fault and it's not your parent's fault, the whole thing falls on you. At this point in time, you are pretty much useless to your self as well as your baby. My beautiful daughter weighed 90 pounds and looked like she died but forgot to lay down. She had no friends, her family turned their backs on her, except for me. I loved her unconditionally, she is my child and she was in pain. As i watched her slowly set herself up for either an overdose or getting murdered, i finally took a deep breath and really got involved more than i did before. I had her arrested. That was almost 4 years ago. Today, she is a beautiful and healthy mother of my grandson. She is now going after her BA and lectures to clients in half way houses and heads seminars at area colleges.
You MUST get yourself into rehab. "I don't have any money"........nope, not good enough. There are organizations that will help you pay for treatment. I know, i found them for her. It takes a lot of research and several hours on the phone. There will be set backs from some who will turn you down, so what, keep looking. There is someone out there who will help you with your recovery. Get on the phone and plead your case, bug these people every day, dig up all your paper work, i.e. birth certificate, social security card, your baby's information, any income that you may receive now...any kind of information that you can find to faster expedite your case. Look for old tax information, any checks you may have received from the State, any State aid that you may receive right now. You have to have all this stuff at your finger tips, the longer you delay in trying to track down this information, the longer it will take for you to get into the system. Once you are in the system, your half way home, just don't allow the system to loose you. Stay in constant contact with anybody who will listen.
The description of yourself is heartbreaking, but again, this is your own fault. You obviously can not fix this alone. Your baby will suffer if you are no longer around to care for him, permanently. My 23 year old daughter also has ADHD, not the daughter who had the addiction. She may have ADHD, but she takes NOTHING for it, this is her choice. She to is in college and trying to get her BA as well. It's a little harder for her because her attention span is shorter than normal, but she is pushing on. I am here for her all the time. When she say's, OMG...i just can not do this anymore, my reply to her is, yes you can girl, i have so much faith in you. I call her "little grasshopper" because she is learning and striving to be more than a " do you want fries with that" employee. I do not have a problem with anyone working at McDonalds or a Dollar Store, if that is the life that you want, so be it, if that's how you feed your babies and keep the lights on in your house, so be it. But that is the problem with our society, we are lazy and we do what we can to just squeek by.
You sound smart and intelligent and you know that you have a problem because you have admitted it. Now you have to fix it. Stop licking your wounds and stand tall and try to fix your problems. Only you can start the ball rolling. No one is going to come knocking at your door and take you away to rehab just because they felt like being nice that day. You have got to be the one to make the calls, and you will make a million calls until you get the right person, which could take a while.
I will be here for you if you want to talk, or if you want to cry, or if you just want to b***h at me for something. It's all okay. So, first things first. Pull out your phonebook and get started. You will get sooooo frustrated, that's okay. You will get terribly pissed off, that's okay too. Just keep going. Take notes, names, phone numbers, anything that you can to get yourself to the place you need to be. Buy yourself a spiral notebook and keep this especially for your information. Keep a journal, starting now. Trust me, this can and will work for you, but you have to make the first move.
Good luck to you friend, and please let me know what is going on. I wish you nothing but the best. Remember, you can't do this for your son, you have to do it for yourself.
BBfeet
not trying to make excuses and frankly, I dont "feel bad for myself" - im dumb - i know I made the choice to abuse it when things got tough - and I see where my life is headed if I continue. I have had no choice but to be a fighter since I was 5 in an abusive/dysfunctional environment- in more than one ways - i didnt get into intense detail in my post - I was just looking for an answer. I was hoping for some sort of a method before the "rehab" - I researched - I found inpatient funded programs -but if I go in - i will have a custody battle on my hands. I have him all the time and I am a good mother - a good, kind person. I go to church weekly and always have- I play an active role in my community - i give 110% at my job which will hopefully payoff as a career boost - i am a loyal friend and a good person. I went thru 4 years of college - dropping, failing, or getting c's. I never partied, I went to class and tried. Not making excuses, I just want answers. When I got on this it was like all my answers were solved. My studying and work actually showed in my grades and 2.5 years later I graduated. If I dont have some type of learning issue then what am I just stupid? Maybe I am making excuses. I don't know. This is the first time in my life I have ever really "screwed up" - I am scared for my ex to find out - scared to stay on - but most of all - obviously with any addiction - scared to not have it. I have already called my old therapist today- start there - then learn options. I appreciate your reply.