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I found out a few days ago that my 14 yr old daughter is pregnant. A year ago she secretly began dating a boy almost 4 yrs older than her who lives an hour away near her grandmother's house (father's mom). I found out through facebook and confronted her right away. Her father and I are no longer together and he lives near the grandmother too. She would go and visit grandma every other weekend. He usually is not a part of her life but when something big happens I make sure he knows. It was discussed that because of this boy's age she was not allowed to date him. Grandma agreed. About 2 months ago I found out she wasn't doing her spanish hw and she got grounded. No friends, no phone. She started using the computer to text so I took that away. Then she started using her lil brother's ipod to text. I walked in her room and it was flashing and there was a message from a no name about "I love u and can't wait to see u" so I started texting back like I was her but I guess I didn't do too well cuz he asked me what was his nickname and I couldn't answer. About an hour later I get a call from her school saying that her Uncle (boy's name) had an urgent message for her about her grandmother. Well the name was the same as the boy we told her to stop dating. So she got home from school and I confronted her. She told me she was still dating the boy and her grandma knew the whole time and told her not to tell me cuz then I wouldn't let her go over to see her anymore! So I confronted grandma and she admitted it, saying that they only saw each other at her house when she was there and my daughter needed someone to trust and that person was her. I flipped out. I called her dad and he flipped out. So I immediately called for a dr appt and grandma's insisting every step of the way that nothing happened between them ever and they only saw each other at her house, etc. So the test came back positive and this is after she swore that nothing ever happened, she didnt have sex, she didnt want to have sex, which I knew at the time I couldn't trust her anymore for lying for a yr and that's why I made the appt. So I find out that she told grandma she was going to a friend's house and she went to this boy's house and they had sex. But I also found out that her grandma had caught her trying to sneak to this boy's house before that and she didn't tell me??? This entire situation could have been prevented if her grandma would have just been really worried for my daughter's safety instead of being worried about not seeing her for awhile. I trusted my daughter and I trusted her, but she made it so damn easy and understandable for my daughter to lie to me! Now I don't trust either of them and I won't let her go over there anymore. My daughter wants an abortion and is scheduled for tonight to have one. I explained her options in detail and she made her choice. I'm making both her grandma and her father be present for this. Now grandma is calling me crying, saying she doesn't know why she has to go cuz IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER??????? And my daughter's father wants only to blame my daughter??? My daughter lied to me for a long time and so did grandma; now look at the situation we are all in... I can't believe a word my daughter says, i can hardly look at her and I told grandma to take a hike. She could be 3 months pregnant! I feel like I'm losing my damn mind!

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Wow - this must be really difficult to deal with.  I can't imagine.

However - I think maybe your daughter needs you to be really supporting right now.  It happened...she is a teenager - and these things do happen, no matter what we do to try to prevent it.  You can't possibly keep her under lock and key 24/7...so there are times that our kids are going to do things we wish they hadn't.  In this case - the result was less than desirable.  But she still needs you - maybe more than ever - to be supportive as her mom.  Creating a family war from this is not ever going to prevent it from happening again.  

Just try to take a deep breath - and figure out how to best use this as a learning opportunity for EVERYONE...your daughter, her father, grandmother, and even yourself.  What's done (unfortunately) is done.  How are you and your family going to learn and grow together from this experience is the question...
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I have been mad at her and I expressed that to her. I have also expressed to her that I am here and I love her. I told her I will support the choice she makes. I will not tolerate being lied to by her or anyone else. I will not tolerate her grandma being an enabler and trying to be her friend so she would still be able to visit. They are not my family they are my daughter's family and since her father only ever saw her when her grandma would take her over there ( never initiates visits for himself) I don't feel like I have to tolerate them anymore. They are obviously not healthy for my daughter!
I understand what's done is done, but both grandma and my daughter have to be held accountable for what's BEEN done. I find myself feeling guilty and starting to hate myself because I should have known better than to trust her grandma; her own daughter was pregnant at 15! I feel like a failure, I let my child down, I could have done more, I should have done more, but I trusted grandma and my daughter. That was my mistake.
I love my daughter and I've been pushing most of my anger inside me. She told me she's scared and I feel for her. I'm scared too. I can't imagine what it's like to be so young in this situation and I can't help but to feel that if grandma was honest and didn't create a situation where my daughter grew an attachment to this boy for over a year that this wouldn't have happened. And I have guilt over this abortion but it's her choice. I feel so drained, haven't eaten or slept since I found out she's pregnant, but I can't stop this feeling that this could have been avoided if adults would act like adults and BE adults.
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so did your daughter had an abortion 
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I am very sorry to note what you have explained in details about .the act

done by your daughter.

Any way things have happend. Your daughter also agreed for abortion.

She is only a teen aged girl and she should have taken suffcient care to avoid this abortion.

Advise her to concentrate on her studies.
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She did not have an abortion, in fact she is due next month. Life is great, huh? After my last post, she told me she was embarrassed, she wanted to give the baby up for adoption, and she wanted to stay at her dad's until after she gave birth. She made me promise to come visit her every weekend. I agreed, but when we got to her dad's doorstep she told me she was keeping it and wasn't coming home. I was crushed. About a week later I found out that this 'boy' was actually 20 years old! Needless to say I called the police. I also asked her Father to go with me and he told me the only thing he needs to do "is go c**p". Yeah.  The police told me unless she came down there and pressed charges herself or unless I had proof that he was the Father, they couldn't do a damn thing about it. So after that a lot happened. I was calling her dad everyday with more things that I found out, like she had a secret facebook account and their love was plastered all over for the whole world to see, pics of them kissing, etc... not enough for the police. I found out that the guy had gone to her school and given her a phone to use a few months ago. I also found out she never planned on giving it up! I took her to Adoptions from the Heart a week before she left here and she made specific decisions on what type of family she wanted the baby to go to... all that was a lie. Now it's come to this, she hates me, never wants to speak to me again, because I went to the police and now Children and Youth are harrassing her dad over everything, and the police came around questioning everyone, but nothing can be done. So she won't speak to me, see me, hear me.. nothing. And her dad says 'I'm not gonna make her do anything'. What a piece of.... yeah. I am reduced to writing her letters now, and get zero response. They don't answer the phone, no texts, no emails, for Christ's sake they don't even answer the door!!! I have had zero communication with my daughter and that's how her immature mind wants it. She's 15, she's a child, she doesn't know what's best for her; and I've been where she is right now, I know what she's thinking. She thinks everything is gonna be hunky-dory, and the sad truth is that it's not. I don't even know her exact due date. I force myself to live everyday, there are other people in my life who need me to continue being 'me', being mom, you know? I think about her almost all day long, I write her letters, I don't know why I am the one being punished.
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my name is jenny and i went thru the same thing.i got pregnant at 16 by someone  who was 7 years older than me.at the time my mom was so mad, she called the police n i was stressed,he(man who got me pregnant) wanted me to get an abortion but dat din't work out so well.i had many choices,i could have go live with his mother untill he figured out a way for us or i could have stayed with my mom or move out with friends....but u know wat i choose my mom because i knew dat no matter wat she will always be there for me,boyfriends come n go but mothers are forever.now i'm 20 and i have the cutest son ever, hes 3 by the way,smart ,amazing,loving,just perfect.my mother loves to death.i graduated high schoool with high gpa, goes to college n now im working for the best of my family.my advice to u is nt to worry bcuz she will need you one day n please promise me dat you will forgive her bcuz right now she probably under influence(people telling her wat to do)

good luck and remenber a mother's love is forever.i learned that when i gave birth to my treasure

take a moment to read that quote
“A mother's love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking, it never fails or falters, even though the heart is breaking”
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Thanks, Jenny. I know one day she will need me. I know that day will come. Today is the day that hurts. I have never spent a holiday w/o her. With Easter being this weekend, it's very hard. Regardless my door is always open for her. I wish life was different. I wish she would realize that she should just come home. Hopefully one day she will.
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saddenedmom she will you are her mother and not even her dad can change that nobody can forget their parents they are the ones that gave life to us just pray God can work miracles God bless you
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You are right, nothing can change the fact that I am mom and I am the only parent she has had for 15 years. I will continue to try and be a part of her life. She is so young and doesn't understand life yet and Jenny hit the nail on the nose when she said my daughter is being influenced by others. That I know for a fact. All I can do now is wait for her to wake up.
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just understand her a baby is a miracle of life i would do anything to her i wish i had a baby like she is but good luck i wish you the best
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when i am older if my daughter did that i wouldnt know what to do be mad/depressed/caring
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Your daughter was the manipulator, how'd it all work out anyways?..
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I just read the guys age and he is a rapist who took advantage of a little girl... There needs to be blood tests and charges, stick to your guns, you could be saving other mother's daughters in the area... This will send a message to all the older guys that want to sleep with little girls... 20!!! 20!!! no way!!! 20!!! Please keep me posted...
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I read your detaIled reply.

I am very sorry to know the relatonship now you are having with your daughter

I pray LORD that peace may pevail upon with all yhe members of your family.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

RAMAKRISHNAN.
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