I'm writing this as a way to get my thoughts out on paper and see if anybody has had similar experiences and or thoughts. So I once went through a brief period of depression after an ongoing break-up with a girl that was long overdue, arguments everyday, prolonged unhappiness etc. And I have never really felt like myself since. Although that sinking feeling of despair has gone away, and I can see the massive improvements I have made, and happiness and content within my life is there, I have lost qualities of myself that aren't coming back. Outgoing, happy with my appearance and the want to meet new people and build relationships. I also continue to get these thoughts for example, scrolling through my social media, and looking at girls and guys and thinking "I'm just not like them, I could never be like them" or things like, "How come all these people like him, what happened to me?" etc, but i feel like this is a thought that has developed as I once thought of myself as a popular, go to guy, which all changed following the breakup I spoke of before.
I'm now a lot more introverted and lack the energy to actually want to go and meet new friends, I'd much rather hide away and play games or watch a series. As I say, I'm not unhappy like I was, I'm content but these thoughts do plague my mind and often make me feel uneasy within myself, that there is a reason that people won't like me anymore. I also get these feelings or thoughts of being outside of my body, looking at myself, and I judge my features from outside my body, and remind myself that I'm not goodlooking anymore etc, or that I look stupid or funny.
Another recent experience I have just had is that I went to a friends 21st Party, and it wasn't that I felt awkward or anxious, i just didn't have the energy to even bother talking with people, i just wanted to sit on the sidelines get screwed up and go home. I have a large "friendship" group of around 20 lads that have stuck together from school, but the problem I find is that they're all heavily involved with partying and drugs, weed, coke, ket etc. And if I partake in these events with them, I end up doing what they do and will continuously beat myself up with thoughts of guilt, flashbacks of how I acted, things I said, how I looked, and I will dwell on these thoughts for weeks. And for the longest-time I have been questioning whether this set of lads truly are my friends, or do I just use them as a way to get messed up hoping that I might have a good time? (it never ends in a good time, I always hate myself for weeks after and convince myself I have pushed people further away from getting to know the real me).
I also keep thinking that a relationship with a girl would never work, as I have become boring or uninteresting, or that I have nothing to offer. I think a lot of my thoughts come down to how I perceive myself, and how I feel like the world perceives me. The most frustrating thing is, from the outside in, I bet people think I have a lot going for me, I have a gang of lads of 20 that will invite me out to social events, I can get likes on my social media platforms, and my tweets often get liked and retweeted, but to me, that doesn't translate to self-worth like it does with others, it doesn't mean anything to me, and I find myself not wanting to post things, just to disappear completely. Another thought i have been festering over these past few months is how different I act with my "friends" to the people I work with, I feel more comfortable being in work where I have to interact with strangers all the time due to the nature of the job, and find myself having better conversations, or making people laugh, than compared with my "friends" where I often feel unwanted, ashamed, tense, and partake in activities I really do not enjoy doing.
Another thought that I keep having is that I often enjoy listening to Joe Rogan Podcasts, and instead of listening to the context of the podcast, I find myself focusing on how well informed the speakers are, how natural conversation just comes to them, and how they easily build bonds with Joe. It's like my hatred of myself has festered this undesirable jealousy to be like everybody else, and because I am no longer capable of becoming like them it turns into another negative bullet point to add to my already existing list.
I just wish there was a way I could just be happy with myself, and stop picking apart details and festering on them until they become true in my mind. If i could use my brain as well as I can when picking apart patterns to why people dislike me, or why I will never become popular and liked again, I think I could seriously get some stuff done.
I'm due to start University in the upcoming weeks and I'm both excited and nervous. Excited that I have the chance to further my education and learn things, but nervous that everybody around my age will be interested in just what my "friends" are, partying and getting on it. It's not that I dislike doing that, It's like under the influence of drugs or alcohol my dislike for myself gets brought to the surface and conversating with anybody becomes an impossible feat. or one that I just mess up completely. God maybe I'm not as far from depression as I once thought actually.
I realise this has literally no structure, and my thoughts have been construed into a mess of different topics, as I'm sure most of you are aware, it's refreshing to just let everything out and hope that somebody can relate. I suppose the question I wish to have answered is, although my depression has essentially vanished and I can function as a human being again, why is this self-doubt, anxiety and lack of belief in myself still persisting when that was the one quality I want back the most?