It seems ironic that I'm posting a 'problem', rather than answering them, but I think I need others views on this. I suppose it's this or phone the Samaritans, but I'm not suicidal- so I don't want to tie up their phone lines!
I'm in an intelligent woman in her later 30's. I'm a single mother & I work part-time in one of my ideal careers- I teach & research psychology. The job alone should ensure that I can solve my own issues, but alas! life isn't that simple!
My current issues are that I want to give-up; run away, fake my own death, walk out & disappear. I feel as if I've been strong for too long & I can't do it anymore.
I've been a single parent for my son's entire life, as his father left me when I found out I was pregnant. My son's 12 now and in that time, I haven't had a proper relationship with a man & his father has only ever contributed 1 & 1/2 years of time & financial support (in total- 6 months when he was 8 & about the same when he was 9, then again at 11). The other 10, he has been completely absent.
I don't have any siblings; my father is dead & my mother is quite an ill woman, plus we haven't had the best mother-daughter relationship, because of past issues. Thus- I don't have much family support either and have had to raise my son on my own.
I am also not a very sociable person. I have social anxiety & was dependent on cannabis for a number of years, which I stopped using earlier this year.
At the moment, I feel as if what I have worked so hard for is crumbling around my ears. I have had to be strong for so long and lately, I feel as if I'm losing that strength.
I've started to become ill; I'm going through an early menopause & have been experiencing horrendous back, neck & shoulder pains. This is all completely new to me- I don't know how to be ill! I CAN'T be ill- I don't have time and nor do I have someone to magically take over & give me a break.
I'm the breadwinner, the cleaner, the washer-woman, the entertainer, the chauffeur (although I don't drive, so it's the walking escort, basically!), the accountant, the cook, the gardener, the DIY-er, the cat-woman (we have 5 cats, who are destructive little shites sometimes!), the shoulder-to-cry on for my two only friends, the home-work checker/helper, the P.A, the finder-of-lost-stuff.....the list is endless!
Yet lately- more than once- all I've wanted to do is curl up & do absolutely nothing. The pain, the mood swings, the tiredness- it's all very overwhelming.....but I have to carry on. I STILL have to cook, clean, work, etc.
The bomb inside of me went off today.
In the past two weeks, my fuel bills have gone sky high & my rent has been put up- yet I'm working over 19 hours a week & only getting paid for 15, as my hours went up in June & they still haven't ammended my contract. I have been told not to expect it until around September/ October! I'm not entitled to top-up benefits (I'm in the UK)- only help with my rent- as I earn too much to claim Jobseekers, but don't work enough hours to claim Working Tax credits. Yet I still have to pay Council Tax & am not entitled to free dental care, prescriptions, etc.
I would better off on the dole!
Then....I have my Nightmare Neighbours to deal with. There's a confrontation brewing there! They are very anti-cat. When they 1st complained about my cats, I went over to their garden; cleaned up the kitty-poop they were complaining about & gave them a bag full of different cat repelents. I also constructed a cat-litter place in my garden to tempt them to poop on home ground. I understood my neighbours plight & thought I had responded to it decently- especially seeing as their fence broke my washing line, weeks before they complained about the kitties & they didn't replace it (or want to take responsability!).
Anyway- the other day, while in my gardener role, I noticed cat-poop had been thrown around my garden and thrown at my fence adjacent to their patio. They had also thrown it around my new rotery line, so it was unavoidable to step in.
Considering how I behaved when they complained the 1st time, I really don't understand why they had to do this. They have also not fixed their fence which has been down for nearly 2 years. They have only just recently taken the broken panels off of my lawn. Till then I had mow around them, as I they were too big for me to move.
I am also starting to think that they are over-blaming me for the cat-poop problem. While I have 5 cats, only 3 of them go out regularly & I have 3 dirt trays that are changed every day. Plus there tons of cats around here- the woman 2 doors up from me has 9, yet her cats don't get blamed & she doesn't get c**p thrown at her fence! Grrr.... &*%$£!
I'm starting to feel very old & very weak. Over the past few months, I've started getting grey hair; my skin is absolutely terrible & I haven't had a night-out since.....nearly a year ago!
And as for romance- pah! That's like unicorns; non-existant.
I really just want to get on train; change my name & 'be' someone else....just hand all this over to someone else & sod off somewhere!
Thanks for reading and if you know anyone with a cloning machine- please email me through here.
V
we ALL feel the way you do sometimes. Today the screaming kids next door are my bane. They say this too shall pass, ha, it does not feel like it will. I have no way to gloss it over. Being adult is difficult at times. Being honest, responsible, and the one who others rely on is hard. It can be very hard.
I can only answer for myself and do little things to keep myself sane. IT is amazing that you are so wonderful to your child, while others just say it is not their responsiblity. How nice no wonder it takes a village to raise children. Not for you since you are not the village id**t. Hang in there, being the best Mom is not easy everything worthwhile is not easy.