Couldn't find what you looking for?

TRY OUR SEARCH!

Date and marry a Virgin girl, all problems are solved. You will be her first and best  forever. That is the best way. :)
Reply

Loading...

I have had the same issue for about 12 years now.  I am now 29.  It's so good to know that other people have the same issue.  People that don't have it are going to be rude because they don't understand it.  I can have sexual relationships with girls I am not emotionally attached to, but as soon as I start caring about her, her past relationships plague my mind.  It's not nearly the problem it used to be.  I have suffered depressions because of the constant rumination before.  The only reason I can come up with for the problem is that it is some form of jealousy (this also comes from what I know about evolutionary psychology and relationships).  But it's not jealousy as it is usually understood.  I never distrust the girl I am with.  I never think she is going to go behind my back and do anything.  It's just knowing that the person you care so much about has done very intimate things with other people.  That she has felt, both physically and emotionally, the same things with others that she feels with you.  Further, both your girl and the guys she was with have those memories of what it was like.  To be honest, I'm actually surprised that MORE people don't have the same problem.  I mean, why is it that most people are NOT bothered by the fact that the person they care about has done the same things with others? 

Yes, I know that I have been with others before her also. And yes, I know that I should appreciate that she is with me NOW and be grateful for the present. But that does not help.  It's an obsessive, cognitive problem.  I have even spoken to therapists about it before, but they did not help.  And it's difficult, if not impossible, to make yourself STOP thinking about something. Remember the movie Inception - try not to think about a white elephant and it's exactly what you think about. 

Finding a virgin would solve the problem, except if you don't find that early on, you never will.  Sometimes I think I may not have the biological constitution for a relationship.  I can be monogamous, but my mind goes crazy thinking about her past.  I have yet to find a solution, but I hope to.  I hope my problem goes away and I'm not stuck with it forever.

Reply

Loading...

I did xactly what he did and i have screwed up alot of relationships and then one day i meet this girl and she lives in auckland and i live in hamilton i love her with all my heart. im not sayin to go throw it all  away but wen i found her everything changed i dont care wat she does im behind her 100% and she knows that' iv told her wat iv done and all that bla bla bla but she understands that i have small insecuritys still but becoz i told her she understands but im getting alot better and thos feelings arnt really there anymore so what im really trying to say is bro try sitting her down and telling her and just being upfront ull b suprized i mean i was
Reply

Loading...

I think in relation with ourselves and otheres we should be focused on who we are rather than what we are doing or we have been doing. In othere word our being should always dominate our doing.USUALLY WHAT WE ARE DOING IS NOT WHO WE ARE.As much as we consiously get to know ourselves and become closer to who we are, our past doings will expier and will be no more with us! in othere word we will be dettached from our past:| .In intimate and close relations partners naturally will become more of who they are and this will let go their past doing and memories!

What i am trying to say is "our doing is not esentially who we are and we can totally separate ourselves from our emotional past. that is why two partner can live and stay in love despite of all their past doings. But to let go of past is an art and needs to be well learned.:-| I hope understanding of this principel brings peace into our hearts and life.

English is my second language , please dont mind if my sayings are not fluent enough! and let me know if anyone wants more clarifications. Good luck:-)  

Reply

Loading...

Hey guys, 
it's nice to know there's other people who have the same issue as i do.
you can give yourself all the advice you want, but it's sometimes so hard to stay strong, and accept something.
My girlfriend is a wonderfull girl, and i love her above everything, but it's just so difficult to deal with what's been.
I have a past too, not much, but it's there. But it's not even half as much as her past. 
An ex-boyfriend or two, three, would not have been a problem, but it's so much more. i know she's faithfull, that's not the problem.
She says she's never loved anyone like me, but unwillingly, i always think, "yeah, isn't that what you always said?"
I can't exactly say why, but just knowing what she's done (or rather how much), sometimes just breaks me.
And i don't know how to convince myself to let it go. and i don't know WHY it's so f* difficult.
I know it's in the past, i know it's just me and her now, yet it still hurts so damn much.
Could someone please tell me WHY that is?..
I'm just trying to find a way to convince myself to just let it go, 
and accept the fact that what has been, now lays in the past.
because every day that i can't, just drags me deeper,
and however hard i try, i can't let it go. downward spiral of f* depression, that's what it is.
It shouldn't be so hard, just being with her.. every time i think of leaving her, i know i can't,
and sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that i could still leave her..
can someone help me? or tell me what to do..
Reply

Loading...

This is brill l thought l was only person who thought like this.  I felt like a werido for thinking like this.


When i think my gf havin a ex makes me feel so angry but iam goin try and behave from now on.


 


Quote:

Reply

Loading...

Amazing that I am not the only one that has the angst of past relationships of my future bride.  The only difference I don't want to know and am pretty succesful of blocking it out.  My issue is she volunteers the information as if she is proud of it.  And finds them to be "good stories".  I find myself cutting her off to remind her that it does not benefit me in anyway and her stories may be bettr suited for her girlfriends talk.  She seems to be concerned in not hurting me, but it always seems to creep up.  She actually wants to hear of my sordid and past sexual relationships and intimate details, I just don't see the need to fulfill her desire or quite frankly I have turned those switches off as I move forward with new relationships.  I dont need to revisit them as she does.  It puts me in a constant state of comparison and insecurity regardless of her reassuring me that I am the best she has ever had, and according to her she has had a lot.  I relate to the post as a visual can be tattooed in your mind as we are intimate and I can put that visual she is looking at someone else.  I have no doubt she is faithful, but she needs the connection of past emails, facebook threads and pictures for whatever reason.  My stance, her past is her own and know its her past is what made her who she is today, and afforded the opporrtuniy for us to find each other.  My past is spread over multiple states, hers is right here in this little town and is in my face everyday.  I cant stop to wonder everytime she introduces me to someone if that is another notch in the bed post or a fling or honestly just a friend.  I have no problems with her ex husband and thoughts, just everything else regardless of the time that has passed.  I mean like two decades or more have passed and I still have anxiety about it.  It is like a disease for which I have found no cure.  And the "Chill outs" and "get over it's" dont quite cut it.   I never wnat her to choose words or lie about stuff, even though she is protecting me, I can accept the past as long as it stays there.  She tried omitting a past encounter, bold faced lied about it, but a few days later confessed it.  I don't ask if there was something, she just volunteers it.  Or sometimes she starts down a "story" and cuts herself off because again she is trying to protect me actually makes it worse.  We have talked about "MY" problem and she wants to not to provide that information, but the catch 22, is I never want her to feel censored or have to choose her words when talking to me.  We talk constantly, we harldy ever watch tv, we are becoming a family this Sunday but my anxiety I fear will never go away.  It consumes me not all the time and probably less than 10% of my time, but it is powerful and concentrated and it takes me a awhile to move on.  I literally hate myself for this, and I liken it to disease for which I can not find a cure and it frustrates me to no end.  I am not judging her, I am not judgin her past, but I formulate these visuals in my mind and I cannot ignore them or get rid of them as fast as they appear.  You all probably think this boy needs some serious help and shock therapy.  I truly have never been very good at communicatin and I thank you for starting this thread and allowing me to anonymously vent what I feel.  If anyone has true advice or direction I gladly and eagerly welcome it!  Bash me all you want but do not speak negatively about her, this is my problem and hangup. 

Reply

Loading...

Honestly I was surprised reading this. I don't feel alone in this. Like the many other gents before me; I too am insecure about my girlfriend's pasts. 

About myself I was always insecure in high school and never dated (I mean even the innocent relationships; holding hands, kissing, seeing a movie, etc.) I was teased throughout most of my childhood about appearances and the like.  I dated my ex for less than five months and then she cheated on me (hince the ex factor). I was pretty messed up afterwards; on the brink of suicide and depression. I was a recipe for this exact kind of inadequacy. At this time, I frequented a coffee shop that was privately owned and would write down my feelings and recluse myself. That's where and when I met my current girlfriend (for more than 2 years now).

I was in love with her from the instant we met.  She quickly became my best friend and I knew it was meant to be.  However one day before we got intimate for the first time she broke into tears and told me about how she was raped by an ex multiple times, abused, and given an STD.  Sorry for the TMI and the long story, but it furthers my point I swear:)  I remember holding her for hours after that. Later into our relationship she had told me about her pasts. I was only with one person before her. She had been with at least 7 other guys and had a few one night stands. She used to party all the time before me; she told me it was due to being wronged by her first boyfriend and being broken. She began not caring and rebelled against anyone and anything, until she met a man that was 13 years older than her(the one that abused her). He beat her down until she wasn't herself. After she was cheated on she left him and moved away and began going to a new college. That's where we met. We built our relationship on trusts and have changed completely for each other. She hasn't even touched alcohol or another guy since that first date. I'm proud of her and it shows the kind of difference one person can make. I haven't had any form of suicidal thoughts and have found my better half.  However the depression did remain with me.

I was nearly driven mad every time something was brought up. Anything from being facebook friends to her family having pictures of her at prom with one of the guys, sent me into a p!$$ed off and depressive state. I would get upset and tell her. It wasn't a healthy relationship and was beginning to decline. I guess the real turning point was, like some of you said, a couple of the exes lived in the small town her family is from and where she grew up.  I calmly asked her if we could not live in the town. She said she understood, which I'm eternally grateful for. We are both going strong and I've made a collaborative effort with my girlfriend on trying to cure my insecurities, however if some issues arise like the living in the same town you need to set some boundaries within reason. Just be reasonable; be able to compromise and evaluate what is absolutely 100% not okay, before screaming at them or guilt tripping them into oblivion. 

Now here's the advice I have.  Remember how your first date went, it is usually indicative of how the rest of your relationship will go (not always true), usually it frames the rest of your relationship. If you didn't talk about exes on your first date then it isn't who they are now. Now the visual imagery and the haunting that occurs when your girlfriend and you are intimate or share details of your pasts are tricky to deal with. I mean I'm going two years and there are times when I still imagine (sub-consciously) what she has done with other guys.  You need to remain calm when this happens. If you have trust in your relationship and in your mate there is no real reason to get upset. If it helps try journaling every time you have an episode of 'ex-images', wait, and then read them before you explicitly attack your girlfriend about stuff she has done before you. Make sure it is long enough after the episode when you read it that you can really reflect on what you were thinking. And if your girlfriend insist on talking about her pasts just say 'this is making me uncomfortable, can we please change the subject?' Most ladies understand the emotions that stories can cause and can and should respect if you ask them calmly to change the subject.  This next piece is more unique to my situation, if you and your girlfriend are serious be sure to ask if there are any triggers that are bad. It sounds really masochistic, I know, but you should always put your significant other above yourself and your insecurities. Above all else be respectful, calm, and caring. Don't rant to them about how guys they've f#$ked before you met. The key is that it was in the pasts. Love them as they are now when they are with you. Oh and if it helps keep in mind they are with you because you are better than anyone else they've had. Other wise they wouldn't be with you at this point:) Keep trust and loyalty as staples in your relationship. And this is directly to the fellow that had mentioned betraying his girlfriend/fiancee (unsure at this point which was used) using one night stands; if you really love this lady don't betray her for the sake of satisfying an animalistic need for sex. If she means the world to you and you love her have some decency and stay loyal to her; if you can overcome your need for sex and put her before yourself the sex you do have (when you do) will mean much more than anything you can get from a prostitute or a one night stand and further add to the relationship.

Hope this helps; we can overcome this guys [and girls; please don't be offended with my pronoun usage;), I'm sure there are women out there that go through the same thing].
Reply

Loading...

Find a virgin, that is the best thing you should do.
Reply

Loading...

I have the exact same problem. I've been with my girlfriend who is my first girlfriend for just over 2 months now and i've had the greatest times in my life with her even though we haven't had sex yet. She has had one ex boyfriend, and she and her friends talks about him a lot when I don't want to know anything. These things that I learnt made be feel bad enough.

But things started messing with my head when she casual mentions that her only ex has an 8 inch penis. I was gutted, but the only thing I had was maybe she's just saying that because she thought it was really really big. But then she tells me that she measured in multiple ways and that made it clear that his penis was actually 8 inches. I admit I cried myself to sleep for many nights after she told me that, with her thinking it wasn't a deal at all.

Before reading all these posts I thought I'd never get over that fact and that it would eventually plague my mind until I couldn't handle the fact of being physically less of a man to this amazing girl. Now there is a little hope but I am now sure. I'm also still trying to get over the fact that she actually told me and thought there was nothing wrong with that. She never told me things like size doesn't matter or anything comforting like that. I don't think i've ever felt so bad in my life after hearing about those properly measure 8 inches, and I've have been feeling bad my whole life.

If I have any advice for any of you, it's bad enough know that your girlfriend has slept with other guys and where. But for the love of god do anything not learn about her ex's penis size.
Reply

Loading...

OH MY GOODNESS I AM SO GLAD I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE.

Today I went out with my GF's little brother to go eat and while we are eating he said did she tell you about her boyfreind a few years back? I did not know she had a boyfreind I thought I was her first but I still said yes. I asked him what his name was and I started to dig in her past. At the very same time I was extremely angry that she did not tell me and jealous for some reason. I have been with her for a year and a half now and I understand that she knows I am a jealous type and thats why she probably didnt tell me.

But now that i know about her past it makes me very F***ING angry and I cant get over it for some reason and its killing me..

I think about that guy just doing her and it makes me feel very sad, so sad I cant even explain it. Anyway so I confronted her about the guy and she told me the story of how they met and all that but she tells me she never slept with him and they have been together for 2 years. I can already see she was lying to me half way through the story. I wanted to hurt her so bad.

SORRY GUYS reason for all this anger towards her is because I lost my viginity to her and I thought she was a vigin. She ended up breaking up with me today and I feel kinda bad... I know its her past and all but I just cant get over the thought of the guy touching her and doing her. I really need advice for this guys. im 21 and shes 25 and we been dating for 1 and a half years. That feeling is kind of unbearable and I feel helpless I know she said she broke up with me but I could tell she knew it was kind of her fault. I WANT TO JUST LEAVE IT LIKE THAT and never speak to her again but at the same time I feel like I cant do it because I love her.

Any advice would be great THANKS GUYS feel alot better knowing you guys have the same problem.

Reply

Loading...

It's great to know that there are other people feeling the same like me and see that I am not alone. I especially feel sad and jealous when I think that she had sex with her past boyfriends, she had initimate moments with other people.  I gave some thought in this issue and I tried to come up with possible ways of solutions. Among all of them, here is the best that works for me: This is OK. If you can't or couldn't find a virgin and do noe want to break up with your girlfriend whom you love so much, the only way is to go further. I know it is not easy, but trust me it works.  Do not try to forget about her past, in fact do just the opposite. If you really do want to dig it up, learn what she did, how she lived. Accept the fact that she was also having sex with those exes and they were all doing all sorts of nasty positions. Maybe she even had some fantasies she did with those guys that she can't tell you about bcs she thinks you might get angry and she feels just emberassed. Anyway, accept that she just screwed all those guys in hotel rooms. Accept that she deep throated his ex's huge penis. Accept that she was ejaculated on her beautiful face and accept that she also swalloved until that last drop. She had fun, she had  boyfriends that she liked or loved in the past. But now , she has you. And you have her. And if you trust each other now, it's better to let it go of all these. You cannot control the past and future, but you can control "right now".  What you can do to feel better is to just try to make her much happier than all of her exes. You might ask her what was the best thing that those guys did for her. She will probably tell you a few moments but know that she is with you because she feels much happier now and you are much better than all those exes.  Know that you she is also with you because you guys are having sex much better.  You need to go further.  Do you think she had rough sex with an ex and she might have enjoyed it? That means that she will enjoy it with you even more! You just gotta f**k her and f**k her real bad and nasty to get all your anger and jealosy out. Make her feel like a queen, make her feel she is just loved by all your cells and tissues. Just f**k her and love her like no one ever did because she is with you because of this. She just thinks you are better than all her exes. And the fast is that you really are!  Never try to force your brain into something you can't do. Do not try to forget and bury. Just go, be with her and show her how a real boyfriend acts, makes happy and f**ks his girl. Now you've become a real man.
Reply

Loading...

I have the Same issue. My Gf has been with other guys, i havent been with girls though
she took my virginty away and i thnk about the guys she is been with.. she calls me baby and i know she has called her ex baby too.
it really bugs me. when i look at he,r it sometimes disturbs me. i know no one is a saint but is that an issue?.. she says she regrets doing that and what not but.. i feel like sh*t.. the fact that she has been with other guys that i know were asses.. for now im just keeping low on that subject around her but i do wanna talk about it.. what should i do?

Reply

Loading...

this helped so much, ive been with my girl for almost 7 months and ive been anxious and uncomfortable about her past, she was going out with a guy for like a year who was her first love, and did alot of things for the first time with him, i ask her about it and shes kinda hesistant at first but tells me,i feel like im asking a question that i know the answer will hurt me, she tells me she loves as much as she loved him, but seeing as how he was her first love it was different, she says that im the only one who matters to her and that she loves me now and thats all that matters, but i still feel uncomfortable, :/
Reply

Loading...

There are only two options here.

First, date two or more women simultaneously...seriously men have been polygamous since forever, this monogamy c**p isn't helping anybody. People are going gay left and right. It will really make you feel better. Don't be afraid to hurt them by telling them that you are seeing another woman. Let them fight it out over you. If you think you are not good looking enough, what are you waiting for? Get heck over to the gym.

Second, find yourself somebody with a similar background, belief and experience base (possibly a virgin). The most beautiful thing a woman has to offer is her innocence. That naive, foolish luster in her eyes. Her blind trust in you. The desire to ride off into the sunset just to be forever with you. This is why most women react with such aggression when asked the question, "How many men have gone through them in the past". They instantly realize that, naive love that once was is no more. There are walls around them to keep them "safe". She now has baggage. She realizes, she gave up her most prized possession chasing after stupidity or being tricked by people. That sparkle has forever left them and for all the wrong reasons. She is second best. Tell her this and let it frustrate her, a relationship is a two way street. Don't offend her. Remember you are frustrated because she has been very crafty, in letting you know that you are competing against a dozen men to please her (all the while making you think you had to force this out of her). Do the same, tell her what a virgin has to offer, remind her how she offered it to the wrong person. This will do two things, first, it will ease some of the pressure you have built up in your mind. Secondly, it will make her realize that she is not the only one who is willing to ride that d**k.

These feelings come about as a defense mechanism, your instinct is telling you, she is lying. She has found something in you and is compromising because she has come to learn from "experience" that you are a keeper. She has more experience than you. In a relationship where one is more mature (experienced or seen more of the world) than the other, they can easily play the other. You will fight harder and harder but you will never have the first kiss, first dance, first moonlight dinner, first walk on the beach or anything else. She deserves another person like herself, somebody who has had a so called life. You need to find somebody about your age and with your experience base. It will FEEL right and it will BE right. This situation is very frustrating. Sure there will be other things in your life with her that will be first time for both of you, maybe a child or a house or a car but why should you have to give up on the biggest thing a woman has to offer? Why do you have to settle for less? Women can't understand this because this is not what they look for in a man. On the contrary an innocent man is most unattractive. A man with scars that tell tales, now that women want.

Do something about this situation fast or it will reduce your productivity, it will make your life a living hell, it will consume you. You will have nightmares and soon your girlfriend / wife will get sick of having to say that it was in the past. She will do what you should have done in the first place. Tell her that unfortunately you two are incompatible.

Good luck!
Reply

Loading...