Why am I jelaous on my girlfriends ex relationships and boyfriends?

all these posts have helped me realize something. This feeling is natural. my girlfriend and i have been seeing each other for 4 months now and are in crazy love. But the more i love her the more i become insecure about her past. This is why i turned to google and came across this thread.
The issue is that i question every positive action she has towards me, "did she act this way in all her past relationships?" the answer is that she did for the most part, and so did you if you have been in past relationships. It is a very difficult answer to accept but it is true.

you need to understand one thing to get over this.
She is thinking the exact same thing!
She also thinks about ur past and is very insecure about it.
its a selfish way to think, but it will make you feel better and it will strengthen your understanding of how much she loves you.

good luck men and women,
I hope i helped

 That was helful. to have a woman post that, its like getting a little insight into a womans mind. When i was younger i would have the same issues as the first post. With the girlfriend i have now i went through alot of changes as well as with the other women i had in the past before her. The thing i love about this girl is that after i still threw things in her face and made her go through an impossible time about her past boyfriends; she still hung in there with me. Today i see that and it adds to the reason why I love her. She understood i was human and to be human is to err. So same thing goes for her. After voicing my concerns, before i used what she told me to mash on her. She expressed that she was going through a tough time in life and she felt the need to have someone there for her. I had to understand that, and because she wasn't promiscuous which was the type of woman i was looking for, i learned to over look her mistakes. I think some guys might want a certain type of woman when one is going to marry her and that should be the only time the question of her past sex life may come in. I can say it might be hard to find a woman with a very clean track record, one that has little experience in bed these days. But if thats why one asks her about her past sex live and is really that important to one; only ask oneself if it is possible to find her or is it acceptable for one to not find her and loose the girl one has for the perfect woman that may not be found. I'm not discouraging it, I believe it is possible to find the one, the way we want her if only we have patience and believe in a higher power to send her our way. The future situation may arise where one least expects it.

it feels good knowing that i am not the only one who feels this way.. :)

this has been a good post to read and kind of relates to how i feel, i am also a bf goinf out with my girlfriend for 9 months now and we get on so well and couldnt be more in love, im sure some people read these posts and see that these guy have only been going out a fewmonths, how can they know what love is etc. but the way i feel can only be described as love. anyway... my girlfriend has have sexual relationships with 4 otherguys, 3 of them were only one night stands, which is kind of a relief as she was drunk and there were no loving feelings, one was a on/off relationship with a guy 3 years older when she was only 16/17, at the time she admits she was only young and stupid, she says shered looks back on it now and compleyetlyr and utterly regrets it and wishes it had never happened, which i believe her cause the guy was a penis! anyway i think the hardest bit is thinking about your girlfriend having anything to do with their past relationships, especially picturing anything that may of happened in your mind, cause this girl is yours and no one one elses shes the love of your life and no other boy should have anything to do with her! i think it is in our nature as humans to be protective over our loved ones. to all of us lads out there feeling the same, i guess we just have to forget about the past and think about the future, and think that if what happened hadnty of happened, you may not be in love today!! 

OK OK PEEP THIS I NEED SOME ADVICE ASAP PLEASEE PAY ATTENTION AND REPLY!!!

 

ok well heres the thing im glad all you guys feel just how i feel i sorta thought i was a weirdo for feeling like this but i guess it could be normal to feel like this when you really care about someone...i been wit my girlfriend for about almost a year now im 19 and she is 22 she is the best thing that ever happened to me she is my best friend, my girl, my other half, she's cool, funny, amazing, beautiful, special, has a big heart and most of all she loves me so so much, she moved recently to orlando and i moved to another state too, we see each other all the time and when we do i have the time of my life i love spending time with her but theres just a couple of things that are always in the back of my head....we met in our last jobs she was already working there for like 3 years and i was new and i remember from the moment i started there i just had a weird vibe when i worked with her and with another coworker idk i just got that feelin i aint stupid but anyways we started talkin not too long after i started working there and i gotta admit from the first moment we talked on the phone we was on that phone for 4 hours non stop just laughing and tellin stories and tellin jokes idk we connected like nothing ive ever felt before in my short life...but yeah for some reason days later at work i overheard a conversation of another coworker with her and she just said she was disgusted by him idk what she meant with that but hey i got a bigggg imagination anyways i found out later on that they used to f**k sometimes but idk but i just loved the way i felt with her so so much ignored it completely even tho i felt jealousy anxiety hate against him all kinds of sh*t i just let it go like that and as time went by we fell more in love with each other every day even when we moved to different states distance meant so little when she was so important to me....buttt that anxiety, insecurity or w/e as time went by grew more and i try ignoring it but it just comes to the point when it overwhealms me and the fact that sometimes i have random mental images of them frikkin, of just how she looks at me replacing him and idk i justt feel so anxious so deppressed with it so frikkin deppressed i gotta stop it its ravaging me and i feel stupid and i dnt know if i should or how to tell her but it just takes over my head and wont stop, wont let me focus i just cant help wonder if the moment i turned my back on them they had sex or if before she left she had some goodbye sex with him idk she always tells me it was an empty thing and she never even liked him like that and that im the best she's ever had in every way but idk i cant stop feeling like this, sometimes i think maybe im too young like i havnt even entered my 20's but it dont matter i love her but i dont know what to do man

f*ck b**ch ..they all r same . today with u she loves u .. next time with some1 else loves him n always tells u i only love u .actually they don't love any1 but themselves . love is something that they don't understand. they  know  only 1thing enjoyment .they slept with so many but wont accept ... so don't ruinur carier . 1 more thing i'm not talking about every girl but the majority. eminem is right about girls 'seduction'. so if ur thinking about ur gf's past life or sleeping partners, leave it 'coz u can't do nothing about that....i also faced same problem n she was same as above mentioned..but tried to not think about those things becoze i already loved her so much that i can't leave her.. so its my problem n i have to solve it. .........

Sorry for the necro. Actually, I had fun reading all of your replies. I also do suffer from this "jealousy thingy". It actually helped me get better by reading your relationship statuses and knowing that someone out there is having the same problem as me. As of now, she is mad at me, coz I heard someone mention her name and labelling her as the ex's past girl friend. That made me so mad I vented it out on her. I love her so much. I really do. But these things just  springs up jealousy over the past guy. I AM insecure over something that I do not know yet. And I know I AM selfish over these things. Hopefully, we guys meet up at an Internet room and "brainstorm". I think it'll help. Or even, talk to friends she doesn't know. This, I want to try out tomorrow. Good luck with our relationships people! :))

wish it's that east :(
it's really hard feeling when you imagine your life love slept with some sh*t before

YOU GUYS WILL WANT TO READ THIS!

I had a little encounter yesterday at college with my girlfriend of 7 months. She was going to change a time at the counselors office for a meeting and the person at the desk was an "old friend" of hers. It felt a little awkward as she talked to him. She didnt say hi or anything to show that she knew this person but I FELT it. So as we walked away, I asked her if she knew this guy. She said he was an old friend and I asked if he was an EX, or if she has ever had a history with him. She said "it doesnt matter, it doesnt affect us.." which made me feel insecure. so I went on and asked more questions, stuff that I wish I never did. Basically she got sorta mad, but we are fine, just sorta blew it off, thankfully my girlfriend is so understanding and patient. We talked before she went to bed, and again I brought it up, "do you have a history with this guy." she said it doesn't matter. I asked more questions and pushed to find out the truth. eventually after she didn't tell me, I gave up and we talked a little more and she hung up.

Guys, I want you to realize what a bad idea it was, for me to make a big deal out of literally, NOTHING. ^

For all you going through the same feelings as I did, feeling insecure about who she has slept with, etc, you need to stop. The reason why is, she had a past before you, as you probably did too. You cant control what she shares with you, and it is normal to not disclose every bit of information about your past. Have you ever thought of it the other way around? What if she was asking you alot of deep and serious questions, that are very personal, but the answers have ZERO effect on the current relationship? Exactly. Stop. It is not worth it, it will drive your girl mad, she will realize you are insanely insecure, and not mature enough to be in that relationship with her. Gotta stop it before its too late. A relationship shouldn't be full of questioning and issues especially ones that don't matter at all. Focus time where it is needed and matters, or she wont be with you forever.

First thing you should do is apologize, and then work your ass of to be less insecure. What you can do, is try to make less of a deal of things, that don't matter, and before responding, when something bugs you, wait a little bit, and analyze it more, and see if it really matters. Second, is to try and be less insecure. Care less about the stupid things, be more confident in your relationship (you HAVE the damn girl, own your spot!), and show your woman love! Its that easy!

I myself have apologized to my woman, after today's shitty questioning and issues that I brought up. It was necessary, and I am going to share what I told her, because you guys should say the same to your girlfriends, if you really mean it.

"Love, I just want to let you know that I was thinking about today, and everything is going so well in our relationship, that I couldn't ask for anything more from you. I realize that your past is your past, and the details truly don't matter, because yes, you had relationships before I came into your life, you're a normal human like the rest on this planet, and I don't need to know the details because they don't play a part in our relationship, because they are the past. Little things don't matter, I am done making even a little deal out of things we shouldn't even talk about. I guarantee you wish I stopped earlier, or didn't even start talking about this. All I know and need to remember is that we are together, have had such a strong relationship for these near 10 months, we have something so special, I love everything about you and don't want to mess it up. I'm your present and future, and you are mine too :) the pat doesn't matter, so I am not going to ask about it anymore, instead, I am going to focus 100% on our future, like you do!"

25 YEARS OF DEALING WITH THIS I want to give you my perspective on this issue after 25 years of marriage. I too felt like this when we first met. I was a virgin while she had 2 previous short term relationships. I loved her so much and could rationalise previous boyfriends but couldn't understand this awful hollow  feeling i had about her previous relationships. I thought I was a bit weird for feeling like this so it's a relief to know even after this length of time that others are going through exactly the same as I did. I couldn't look it up on the Internet in those days because it hadn't been invented. I did try and discuss it with her early on in our relationship but she didn't want to as she felt bad about it herself. I've had the feelings on and off throughout my marriage, sometimes really badly, so for people in the early stage of a relationship be warned as these feelings don't go away. I tried to deal with them in many ways. I had therapy to start with but that was a waste of time. After 12 yrs married I had a bad spell of these feelings and had an affair. Please don't judge me. I am describing what I did to deal with these horrible feelings you are probably feeling reading this now. I knew it was wrong before i even started it but I did do it deliberately because of the way i felt. I think i was working along the lines that if i was as 'bad' as her then i shouldn't feel like this. Actually the affair did help me a lot. It made everything far more bearable. I think this was because I felt it evened up the score a little in my head having a relationship with someone else. I felt it put me back in control of my situation and feelings. During this time and for many years after, my relationship with my wife improved greatly. I felt much stronger about myself and it showed in my personal and professional life. However the feelings came back again after a period of years and I felt back at square one. I still couldn't understand why I felt like this after so long. I know she loves only me. It's like you are fighting a pointless battle with yourself. I did of course end up having another affair with the same result as before. My partner is totally unaware of my affairs as well as being totally unaware of my feelings about her previous relationships.  Recently the feelings have arisen again and I want to try and deal with it a different way which is how I came across this website. I don't really want to start a cycle of affairs. It has helped me enormously just reading how other people are just the same as me and I'm not weird after all for feeling like this. So I can only give you half a lifetime of advice. You really do just have to let it go and separate it from your current situation. There is no other way. Believe me I've tried. Your wife/Gf is what she is. She is a person in her own right and you need to respect that and give her the distance that deserves. Distance is the key word here. Being in love is a complex set of emotions good and bad. What you share is unique and what she shared before you was unique and you were not part of it. Obviously for her it was not in a great way otherwise she would still be there and not with you.  Women like men to be men so you must try not to be so sensitive about your situation. Oversensitivity is very trying for the woman and she will lose respect for you as a man if you cant handle it by repeatedly revisiting the events that you were not part of. Solice on these feelings will only ever be found through acceptance and believe me it may be very difficult if not impossible for you to accept this in some situations. There is some great advice here on this topic so listen to it.  Somebody once told me that when we enter a relationship we only borrow that person for a period of time. It might be 2 weeks or a lifetime. We all have a past and you must cherish your moments together as you create your own pasts. You will never forget her past but must accept the situation. Don't fight it as you are only fighting yourself which is totally pointless. Love her and make love to her with all your soul. Be the best shes ever had. If you can't do that then be graceful and leave for her sake. Remember, these feelings you have may last a lifetime and it's not her fault. Some people reading this will say I'm a b****ard for cheating on her but if you are in this situation then you will know how bad this powerful emotion makes you feel. You try to deal with it as best you can. Doing it didn't help in the long run so I would advise you don't go down that route. In closing, I wish I had slept around more before I married, perhaps I wouldn't have had these feelings for 25yrs but then again, maybe i still would have. I would have had a completely different life probably without her, maybe much worse than the one I've had. Who knows! I hope my story helps other people in a similar situation. It has helped me just by sharing it with you - be strong - be the man.

I have been on and off with this woman (shes now 52) for 7 years (I am 43). Without sounding like some wanker (which I'm not), I know I have everything going for me (ex iron man, Pilot, many many things). I consider myself quite ok looking. But yeah, I have been going through this experience lately and I think I can tell you exactly why. After we had split up some time ago, I ended up going on a dating site (the site is POF). Now because there are about 10 guys on the site for every woman, the women get bombarded. Apart from the fact that my profile was quite long and probably not believable, I wasn't contacted much and I never really contacted many women. Years ago I had quite alot of success on Internet dating as it was on paid sites where people are more choosy and therefore usually respond. But this experience on POF really knocked my confidence about (even though I knew it was mainly due to my profile being a too longer read and I was competing with sleaze bags that contacted everyone). Now when I got back with this woman I'm referring too above, I wasn't feeling as secure in myself with her as a result of this POF experience, compared to how I felt years before (even though I knew a bit about her past history back then). From what I understand her past history was pretty full on and even just typing about it now makes me a bit upset. I guess its important for me and everyone else in life, to know your partner is with you for you and not for some other reason. You want to know that you are something very special to your partner. I know she loves me, I know she likes me, I know we get on well etc etc etc, but I want to know that I represent a bit of a WOW factor in her eyes, as she does in mine. I am not sure if I really do it for her, and I only want to drop anchor with someone that thinks the earth of me (as I do of her). The big catch here in my case is money. I come from a desirable background and this makes it especially important to me to know she is into me for me and not for any other reason. So based on her past, and my shitty experience on POF I feel its imperative to know that thinks I'm the best thing since slice bread (without sounding vain). Stuff it people, you want to be with someone that thinks that way about you. Its a different thing to love, liking the person, sex, respect, and everything else. You simply want to know that your partner really thinks your that special one that does it for them (especially if they have had a bit of a past history and you have other more trivial things going for you that you know they would be intere$ted in). I have spoken to her about all this and I am not real convinced that I do it for her enough for me to warrant dropping permanent anchor. Human nature is normal and not a crime, but its good to analyze and understand why you feel the way you may feel. Because loosing the person won't make you feel better (certainly not in the short term lol)

What we are talking about has really nothing to do with money, but my first saying is : " I would rather be lonely and rich, as opposed to being temporarily not lonely and rich, to be ultimately lonely and poor". ( Its a sad world I agree).

My second saying is "if really do have a VERY GOOD reason to worry, then its not worth worrying about".


You have to ask yourself as I ask myself - do you really have to worry ? I know the answer in my case is a clear NO.





I hope I haven't been waffling on and made sense. Thanks for the comments.

Pardon my bad English. 

Glad im not the only one in this situation, i actually looked it up and it has a name "retroactive jealousy" not gonna go into much details since most of our situations are the same, all you guys pretty much covered what i wanted to say.

but my horror is eventually i forget, but then im almost reminded daily because of my girlfriend's ex name. yes the horror of having the same NAME as her ex reminds me of her past. not only that ,her ex is a chef, and i always wanted to be a chef. i didn't take up culinary because of this very reason.

sucks bro, two options for anyone out there.

if you're a virgin find a virgin, if not then she should have the same or less experience than you.

if already in the relationship. don't fall madly in love, when i wasn't in love with my girlfriend, i woudn't feel jealous nor would i want to ask alot of questions about her past to get to know her better. fell in love with her, asked her many questions to get to know her, i guess too much questions, now i feel the same way you guys do. although it's been easy to forget lately, having the same name as her ex is the trigger of being reminded of her past. sucks huh?

Oh boy, this thread makes me really happy. I am a woman who had about 15 exes in the past and dating a man who has probably dated more than 500 women. (We are in mid 40s. He was a crazy club goer in his 20s.) He casually mentions his exes in conversation, which makes me really uncomfortable. But I never tell him anything or ever ask him about his exes because I don't want to know about them. Period. Basically, what I do in order not to get upset about his past relationships is that I try not to think about them. You know the very mouth that kisses my thing down there used to kiss some other women's things. How horrible it is to think about! But I always try to think that he might be thinking about me the same way. Also, I try not to dwell on the thought of his past. I have been dating my boyfriend only for five months whereas his longest relationship lasted for 8 years! But still I manage to stay cool about it. Because being jealous of his past doesn't lead me anywhere. I'd rather spend my time thinking about how great man he is. So I refuse to make myself a victim of unproductive thoughts although I get silently upset whenever he mentions his exes. But I allow myself to dwell on it only for a few minutes. Gentlemen, life is short. Stay focused on the present and be productive. Enjoy your life.

Yeah man I thought I was the only one but im starting to see that this is a common issue amongst men.