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Dear Friends, This post tells me how much psychological and emotional stress we guys take on issues like this ! Let me share something which im sure will help you all decode your problems and also help understand why we are rotting like this in hearts while the gals are happily moving on so fast Honestly, that is one issue that bugs me. Its like she gave me all her ex boyfriend's troubles (and neither of us wanted to have it) and now im more angry and pissed off about her ex bfs than her. I believe its not about insecurity. Its because: WE MEN WANT TO MAKE EVERYTHING SPECIAL. WHEN WE LOVE SOMEONE, WE WANT THAT PERSON TO FEEL THE BEST HAPPINESS AND SPECIALTY BECAUSE OF US. BUT WHEN WE COME TO KNOW ABOUT THEIR EX, WE ARE NOT ABLE TO BELIEVE THAT SHE HAD SPECIAL MOMENTS WITH THEM. IT DOESN'T HELP WITH THE FACT THAT, THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN MORE INTIMATE OR DID EVERYTHING WHICH WE DREAM OF DOING NOW WITH OUR GIRL FRIENDS. HONESTLY, I WRITE THIS WITH TEATS IN MY EYES; I DONNO HOW OT SOLVE SUCH A HUGE ISSUE AND THEY SAY TROZEN HORSE IS THE MOST POWERFUL VIRUS BUT GUYS, THINKING TWICE, THEY MIGHT HAVE DONE A LOT OF THINGS, THEY MIGHT HAVE SHARED SPECIAL THINGS IN LIFE; BUT IT IS US THEY CHOSE OVER THEM. WHICH EMANS, THEY FOUND US TO BE MORE SPECIAL THAN ALL OTHERS BEFORE. THERE ARE AND WILL BE ISSUES REGARDING THE PAST SOMETIMES. BUT HONESTLY SPEAKING, ITS ALL JEALOUSY AND NEED FOR MAKING THINGS SPECIAL. I WRITE THIS YET IM SUFFERING MYSELF. BECAUSE IM PISSED OFF AND CANNOT TAKE SOME OF THEM. I WISH I COULD BE MADE HAPPY SOMEHOW.
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Thank you for this thread! I just wanted everyone else who feels similarly that I have been doing my best to be mature and know that 'the past does not equal the future, unless you live there'. I hope for peace in your hearts and relationships and I wish you nothing but happiness! x
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First of all it not no more right or just for any one man or woman to sleep around with many people.I'm sure that God won't be shaking his head no time soon to men that seem to think it's okay and expertise of them to sleep with many women and make themselves looks and feel better about themselves and a woman looks easy and like a s*** as you all would call it.what your girlfriend did or the men she dated before you shouldn't affect your relationship with her .this were all before she knew you.and my guess is she probably has wonder the same thing about you. If she is not cheating on you nor flirting with other guys why open a can of worms that you have no need for? Let old dogs lie and stop allowing your male ego to get in the way of your good thing you have or might can have with this woman.
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dump her, trust me
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I have been married for almost 9 years.  I knew long before we were married that my wife had 7 guys before me.  I never forgot that fact but have never thought about it or been bothered by it.  Our sex life has degenerated to 2 minute quickies, missionary only and then 'OK get off of me'.  Oral?  well I've heard of it.  All sarcasm aside she has maybe done it for me half a dozen times during our entire relationship.  OK so far so normal, maybe.

Two nights ago we were arguing about something and the 'fight' got worse and worse, she revealed that in university she had smoked up and hash laced something or other till in a blast of anger she said that she used to blow her past boyfriends.  Its difficult to put emphasis and tone into the words but imagine it being said like 'well, that was a good time for me, so how do you like that'?  I am out of my mind over this.  I find myself full or rage and hostility to the point that I feel the hair on the back of my neck standing up, of wondering what made her want it from them?  The conclusion is it was fun for her to play with big toys, feelings of comming up short, images of her doing/taking it, and wondering how much bigger the number is than 7 now that we include BJ's.

It's been quite a while since our sex life has been even adequate but now I can't even imagine any sex with her.  If she gives more than the 2 minute missionary it will be only to patronize me or try to convince me that I'm fun too and I will never believe her sincerity.  Doing the 2 minute deal could I ever stop thinking of how she's probably wishing it were  one of those past boyfriends that she could enjoy.  Is there a way out of this or is our marriage done?  Will I ever be able to see her the same again or are the images of her in the porn compilation of BJ's all that remains after that bomb?

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I have been in a relationship with her for 9 months. we started dating about a week after they broke up and they were together for nearly 2 years. When we first started dating, she told me the things they did together. It makes me sick thinking about it. She apologizes all of the time for telling me but I just can't handle it. This guy treated her like sh*t and I feel really bad but I can't believe she put up with him for 2 years. He was her first love and she is my first love so I kinda feel like I'm second choice sometimes. She told me about certain things they've done that we haven't done together. What do I do to stop thinking about this? I need help...
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Hey everyone I'm a girl suffering from this problem BIG TIME and I just wanna let you know that it's not just a male ego thing. My bf is my 1st and I'm his 5th... we're both 24, he's still a virgin and hasn't even touched other girls inappropriately but he has kissed/made out with his first ever gf and I'm dying over that!!! I think I have OCD issues with it, honestly it's just kissing but I've read so much sh*t about kissing on the Internet and how amazing it is with the first ever person and now that sh*t is engraved in my mind and I feel as if our kisses aren't as good and when we have sex it won't compare to those kisses with his first. The thought of him being hard when kissing her ewww and I used to know the girl she is honestly not good looking at all (even he admits it) so I don't why why he even kissed hwr and how he got pleasure out of it. I sound psycho but I can't even enjoy life anymore. ...I think about it all the time especially when we kiss...I hate being like this. We want to get married but I just can't seem to let the past go :'(
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Haha, Responding to comment about "realized you're always going to get someone's sloppy seconds", doesn't that also include"you're always going to be "someone's sloppy seconds" as well? There are no double standards- we're all human. And it's bizarre That you, someone who apparently isn't a virgin would think they are somehow excluded From this.
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Yikes!, Responding a bit late in the game, But I just couldn't keep quiet about the remark About this poster thinking that he, being male Somehow it is acceptable for him to have had many sexual and emotional relationships with women before his current girlfriend (at time if posting) but she is somehow a "harlot" not his exact words (but I got the point) and should have somehow saved herself for him. As though, because of being a woman she was not allowed any relationships sexual or emotional before him. I don't care for these double standards. I believe they were made by some group of impotent controlling just plain idiotic men back in the day who had some sick desire to control women and sadly some women also believe this outright manipulation and lie. All humans are emotional and sexual, men and women are NOT so different in our basic needs and drives And even those vary greatly. It's as if he is saying out of all the sexual and emotional relationships with women in his past he was or wanted to be the only man in each of these women's lives. Dude, grow a pair. You can't be the only man in the world. I have insecurities, u understand wanting to be the very best one you're lover has ever had-maybe even the only one but for most of us that's not even realistic. Is she you're one? Are you freaking out because you have never loved so deeply as her and you're scared of losing her and it's driving you crazy-making you act like an embarassing crazy hot mess? Because that's one thing, but it sounds sadly as if you are just incredibly incredibly insecure an have some twisted notions regarding what is acceptable for men and women. My belief is what is acceptable for her Is what you deem acceptable for yourself. Double standards are unfair and a pile of garbage. They are for selfish self serving infantile people who apparently aren't ready for an adult committed relationship. Seriously, get some help. There are levels If insecurity Lowest meaning we can still function as a relative healthy part of a partnership am then there are level 10 and up which make for a very toxic borderline insane non functioning partner who will ultimately cause more harm then good in a relationship and may very well destroy something beautiful because of the Lack if healthy boundaries. I mean, you care more about her past then being a part of her present. Surely I hope you get help. This is not a healthy or fun place to be. I understand that comparison-insecurity-reassurance masochist pattern as well as anyone else who has suffered with it. But if you don't check yourself You will wreck yourself....it's called maturity. Don't let it pass you by. Honestly you come across as sounding sick and childish and not A man. I don't think any woman would want to have to go through your wringer. Chances are This would not go away even if you knew every detail because that kind of insecurity only feeds itself. It is masochistic in many ways. If you had self confidence and self esteem you would not feel the need to know these details or feel that women have to be so different then men. I feel this men and women should be held to the same standards. Get help for your self confidence. I am with someone who has low self esteem and has nearly driven me away with her insecurity. It's like living in hell. She isn't a virgin and neither am I. But the constant mistrust and Need to control my every thought emotion and action had left me with zero respect for her Zero love zero like and zero desire for her. We have been together for over four years. And I don't feel like continuing. I wish I'd never met her because it had been hell being with someone so insecure. I'm insecure too but I try and keep mine in check. I don't want toady her or be with her anymore. I just don't know how to leave after this much time has passed. We are responsible for our own feelings and unless you are with someone who is unfaithful A liar or belittles you....totally different post. You do need help-it looks completely insane to The other person to have to deal with this unless you end up with a high conflict drama loving mentally emotionally unstable user or Someone as insecure as you, any other woman you might actually want to be with-you will drive away. This is just plain unhealthy no matter which way you try and look at it. Bro, Get a grip, being that insecure just ain't cool, and majority of women just don't dig it.
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P.S. Jealous, many reasons. Needing reassurance, Insecure, emotional and mentally immature, wanting I be the one who completely rocks her world-the only one ( possessiveness) Sadi-masochistic tendencies, deep deep mistrust ( feeling like she is hiding something from you) in most cases if it's this extreme, DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!!!! Until you get help-seek couples counseling! DO NOT get married until you're feelings are resolved....getting married will NOT make those obsessive thoughts feeling fears go away. It will not dissolve the deep mistrust you have inside I yourself. Those feeling of mistrust do not originate from her, it sounds like they have been here or a while. They sound suspiciously like they come from you. Maybe you really like this woman, and this makes you feel very vulnerable. Maybe your feelings for her trigger your low self esteem feelings of unworthiness, abandonment. We all have our baggage. No judgement here, but this sounds like it has more to do with you then it does her. And if you don't acknowledge and work on fixing this hurt part of yourself, it will always always get the better of you and destroy anything good that you really want. And btw what is good for you is also good for her. All people started out as females in utero-and just because we develop differently in the end doesn't mean That "male" is perfect or better or less then Nor all that different. We all desire to love be loved and feel safe, as a general rule. Ask yourself why would you want to know her sexual past, because ou don't believe she loves you, desires you, wants only you? Maybe you are afraid of being hurt, maybe you believe that her heart is with another secretly And that you are being played like a fool. Maybe this does happen. We can't control that. We can try and weed out every detail Try and get to the bottom to find out to make sure we sent being lied to or deceived. Truth is Though we will never really truly know, it's a leap of faith. Many people never even know their own truth, so many people rebound. It's quite possible you even harbor secret feelings for a past girlfriend that you don't even realize is there. I have found that it's the most paranoid sometimes who have the most to hide. We can't barely control ourselves we certainly can't control another. Why don't you explore your own feelings, are here any ladies you were with that you still hold feelings for. I've come to realize few people really have that Special quality that let's go of the past, special or bad memories of people in the past or the people themselves....being really honest about ourselves can help us to understand our own motivations and even have more patience towards others. I strongly advise waitin to get married until this can be resolved. Maybe ask her how she feels about your past. Does she ask you details or seem pretty content bein with you here and now? Is she just as jealous, does your fear and questioning bother her? I think you are jealous likely because it sounds like you feel vulnerable and afraid. Counseling could help you understand why. Get your self esteem healed and this won't be an issue. Or just resign yourself to and s&m type relationship that is always on shaky ground And just don't forget to set boundaries and have a safe word or if she doesn't like your questioning her constantly-expect problems. Or if you two don't mind these rather unhealthy dynamics ( no judgement ) then Continue but I have found these types I dynamics to be a death Nell to a relationship And it won't last forever.
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Fyi, Never trust when someone tells you other girls are ugly....because it says more about you ten them. Insecurity is a very personal issue and isn't something another person can fix for you. If you need to hear that other girls are ugly To feel secure then understand that it's false security and you will always need to hear that Even if it's not true. It's far more powerful to feel confident and secure in yourself then to Need it from others. It will also drive away any potential healthy relationship as then only kind of relationship that can survive something like this is a sick one. Also if you end up with a guy who is a Cheater you might not recognize the signs because you will so easily believe him when he says a girl is ugly which only makes you look like a fool. There are pretty girls good looking guys and you are likely one of those pretty girls and our bf is one of those many good looking guys. Other people bein pretty or good looking doesn't mean you are less Or that you want all good looking guys or our bf wants all good looking girls. Now some peoe are like that-not naturally monogamous, but many people are and certainly if you are a naturally monogamous person then you Want a naturally monogamous bf as well. It's hard to not be insecure. This takes a lot if trust, sometimes heartbreak, some of us find our one right away and others of us are still looking. If your relationship leaves you feeling like a hot wreck, this either had to do with your trust in your bf, your own self esteem or both. But finding out will help you take the next step. I suggest getting a self esteem sexual self confidence ( if you are old enough for the latter) and start there because when we feel good about ourselves everything else is made clearer. If it's us, them, or had been both all along. Insecurity and jealousy is debilitating in every way possible, it blocks true happiness, joy and contentment, life for that matter. I wish you the best.
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This relationship sounds passive aggressive and doomed. I think sexual intimacy is important in a relationship and that your sex life is practically a rotting corpse says many things about your relationship in general. The's pissed at you for some reason, has lost respect an desire for you as a man. And it really sounds like you should just put it out of it's misery. A relationship should be full of love Respect and you should at least like your partner. You could try therapy but it sounds like your gf just completely resents you and doesn't have the kahunas to end it with you. So she's just mean and condescending. She could be hurt and angry at you which means there's hope of making things better or she plain doesn't like you love you respect you anymore dude and just won't be the one to break it off, which means your relationship is screwed and t won't get better. It's time to move in at that point. We all deserve to be loved love and be happy and have a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone who wants us as much as we want them. It will be up to you to find out which one it is...if she lets you Know. If not it might be better just to move on then anyways cuz then you are dealing with a sadistic passive aggressive person who like to Torture you:
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Hate to be the bearer of bad news- REBOUND.....you were her rebound relationship and it's really sad too since you say she Is your first love. And if he was hers And she hasn't moved on from it, it will be along while before she does and it's highly likely she hasn't. She will tell you she has, because she doesn't want you to leave her but she is not likely over her previous relationship. She unfortunately lacked the maturity to take time before getting into a rebound relationship And now has involved you in her hot mess which will likely bring you a lot of pain and angst as you ride out this time with her waiting for her to finally be completely yours. I seriously don't underdtand why people choose To be so selfish when it comes to other feelings. Rebounds are ugly when it involves emotions. Rebound sex is one thing-no strings attached. Reboundin with someone who genuinely cares for you and is in love with you Is immature and self serving. I'm really sorry to hear this is your reality. You are a rebound. Being one myself I can tell you it's miserable. It has been my choice to stay bit I can't help feelin like I made the wrong decision. I could have a relationship with a person who is truly available. Rebounders will try and convince themselves and you that they are over their ex And maybe they really do like you but the truth is they are in the past with someone else halfway and halfway with you while you are 100% there with them. It doesn't get easier. I think inheritantly we know they aren't over their ex, however we are in love with them so we stay. Did she break up with him, or vice versa and do you know what caused the break up? There is a point when you are over an ex that you just don't think about them anymore Especially if you are with someone new that you are head over heels for. It can take years before this woman will completely be yours. You seem sweet so you likely will wait. I've been waiting four years and battled many ex-demons and sadly I don't even want my partner now. She did rebound with me, I convinced myself she was over her exes and even when it was right in my face I still stayed. I am angry with myself however, because I saw the signs but chose to ignore them. Rebounding. Is a character weakness that I think is best left be, no more rescuing. I want to be with a person who can stand on their own two feet and can be on their own. Someone who leans on you while they are pining I hiring over an ex and isn't just a friend Is not someone trustworthy of your love. Unless you enjoy being a doormat. Her telling ou how bad her ex doesn't automatically make you her night in shining armor. It's a manipulation and doesn't speak of your real value. We shouldn't need that to feel wanted. Being truly wanted is being wanted for who we are as individuals not how much better we can be then someone else's ex partner because we are just that-second to the ex...still. You are so much better to me then my ex, ex being though of first in relation to you=unconsciously still thinking of ex, not really there with you completely. It's funny how we can operate so unconsciously. I get tired of being told how she's glad I don't do this like her ex. It's not valuing me as an individual. It's her thinking of her ex, then me. We aren't even the same person. Ie, still hurting over the ex. Btw, there is always more to the story, so while she is telling you how horrible he was to her, Thus making you want to protect her/avenge her, she also had a part to play in that relationship good/or bad which you will never know about. And we are not victims. Unless it's a case of violence which is life threatening Your gf's ex couldn't have been all bad if she is still mentioning him. You were her rebound And she doesn't want you to leave. Her heart can't love you the same as yours fdoes her because she doesn't sound like she took hers back all the way. Very sad. I'm sorry to hear That this is your relationship. Regardless, we always survive even heartbreaks. Maybe if you wait long enough she will be yours or maybe Ou will hae your first heartbreak then meet the partner of your dreams who is truly available. I wish you the best whatever your decision. Like I said though you could end up picking up the prices of her broken heart while she is hurting over her ex, dealing with all the drama and garbage because she didn't have the courtesy or maturity to do this before she got into another relationship. I feel bad for you. Being so available emotionally. Am rebounders can come wth a lot of baggage. I wish we had neon signs that would pop up if there were red flags like rebound, cheater, alcoholic, beater, habitual liar, mentally Ill, serial monogamist, ect...your feelings are natural but be aware to not become her fool or a rescuer which can be false flattery and basic emotional manipulation You should be appreciated for you. Not how you aren't like her ex. If she's mature and ready for an adult relationship with you.
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I guess it also matters if there is a valid reason to be jealous/insecure. There are valid reasons but if someone is having intimate relationships with their exes that make you look like the ex or just a buddy-them probably the relationship Is a lesson or a waste of your time if you are the one in the relationship head over heals in love. In that case I'd say it's time to end it unless there is something there you just can't let go of and are willing to suffer or the two of you are willing to make your relationship work/better and the key words being "the two of you" and wanting and willing to make it work.
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I hope having Sex with her helps. In My case, it didnt help and i keep seeing the Same images as You.. Kills Me.. After 1 years and 7 months it still kills me every day. I Too was a virgin
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