Are You Too Nice?

As a child, were you told to "play nice"? What did "nice" mean, exactly? It meant that you smiled, were polite, gave compliments, shared your toys, helped lay the table and followed the rules. Throughout life, we all want acceptance. As children, we learn that being "nice" is one of the best ways to gain acceptance.

If we smile, we will be accepted. If we compliment others, we will be accepted. If we never fail to put others before ourselves, we will be accepted. If we share our toys, our food, our favourite clothes, we will be accepted. What does the corollary of this teach us? If we frown, people won't accept us. If we ever put ourselves first, people won't accept us.

We are conditioned to be people-pleasers from the time we are born.

Isn't it better to be selfless all the time than selfish?

People who are apparently selfless people-pleasers - those who seem happy to act as unpaid therapist to the sixth-cousin twice-removed who they never otherwise see, who go out with broken ankles to shop for agoraphobe aunts, who always take on extra tasks at work - may not be as benign as they appear.

According to psychologist, Les Barbanell, "Extreme selflessness...can be used to mask a variety of psychological and emotional problems. I've seen a surprising number of women who, to their peers, are like Wonder Woman because of their boundless energy and unwavering commitment to others. But behind the mask there is often misery, emotional isolation, emptiness, guilt, shame, anger and anxiety."

Barbanell adds that many apparently selfless people-pleasers are highly-anxious people, who fear rejection and hostility. Over the years, they have learned to repress negative emotions under a pleasant, helpful mask of appealing "niceness", as a way to better cope with anxiety and negative emotion.

Barbanell also points out that there are strong similarities between the "nice" selfless people-pleaser and the sufferer of Narcissistic Personality Disorder: both require admiration; both want to feel their peers envy them; both experience a high sense of entitlement and are frequently incapable of forming healthy adult relationships.

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Similarly, the roots for both problems are found in childhood.

"Nice" people usually had perfectionist, hyper-critical, emotionally-distant, morally-rigid and controlling parents who saw the world in black-and-white. As children, "nice" people were frequently expected to be "nice", "helpful", "sweet" or "good", and feared their parents would no longer love them if they failed to live up to their parents' often-gruelling expectations.

This fear of rejection remains lifelong, causing lasting feelings of inferiority, a constant self-critical interior monologue, self-belittlement, depression, low self-respect, and an inability to make decisions.

But is any of this a real problem?

Being too "nice" can have a toxic affect on your life.

Being too "nice" can cause Depression, which is a chronic mental health disorder that continues to affect you until you seek correct treatment. Its symptoms include:

• feelings of hopelessness; 
• insomnia (sleeplessness) or sleeping too much;
• lack or appetite or eating more;
• feeling tearful;
• feeling guilt-ridden (which is something thing many selfless people-pleasers often feel);
• irritability;
• anxiety;
• no enjoyment in life, even in activities that previously brought you joy
• difficulty making decisions
• unexplained aches and pains
• constipation
• lack of libido
• suicidal thoughts (if you have this, please seek immediate help!)

READ Treat Depression Naturally: Natural and Herbal Remedies for Depression

Although Depression can make you feel hopeless, and as though life holds little meaning, there is life after depression. Please seek treatment.

Another potential problem faced by "nice" people-pleasers is that they can be very susceptible to abuse by others. This is due to "nice" people being so amenable, so unsure about their own identity, and having such low self-esteem that they are vulnerable to manipulation, emotional abuse and domestic violence.

Director of the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships in London, Susanna Abse says: "If someone is so compliant that they can't stand up for themselves and does not have their own voice, then they can be vulnerable to being mistreated."

What Should "Nice" People Do?

Is it time to stop being so nice?

If you're a nice person, you don't have to quit cold-turkey. You don't have to go from doing the shopping for the frail old lady down the road to driving past her, shouting expletives through the rolled-down window, your hair slicked back and hard-rock blasting from the stereo.

However, it is time for you to stop being compliant.

Then, rather than being a "nice" people-pleaser, you can take control of your life as a strong, mature adult.

Step One: Stop deferring to others

You go out to see a movie with a friend. You kind of like the comedy, but your friend says, "Shall we go see the drama?" Shrugging, you pin on a smile, and say "Whatever you want." You're out for dinner with your partner. You like Italian. Your partner suggests Thai. Smiling, you mumble, "If you like."

Stop it.

No-one wants to take all the weight of decision-making. It's exhausting. But, also, by not giving an opinion, you risk becoming a shadow. A full life requires you to have preferences and state them.

What should I do? If asked for your opinion, state it. Practise stating your opinions: Write down what your favourite movie, food, book, song... You want Italian, say so. You'd like to see the comedy, suggest seeing the drama next time. Worthy partners and true friends will want you to state your opinions. Your opinions are part of what they love about you.

READ Stop Feeling Depressed: 10 Effective Mood Boosters

Step Two: Stop saying "Yes" when you should say "No"

You've already agreed to Meals on Wheels deliveries, overtime at work, and picking your friend's daughter up from childcare. Then your sister calls. Could you run her daughter to ballet practice and pick her up again. You tot it up. If you do as your sister asks, you'll leave home at six and won't get home 'til nine at night. But you don't want to let your sister down.

If "not wanting to let people down" is your reason for making commitments, stop.

What should I do? Lay out all your activities and commitments from the last two weeks. Divide them into activities you enjoyed, ones that made you anxious/tired/angry/stressed, and ones that were neutral. For the next month, try to prioritise commitments that you enjoy, and commit to fewer activities that cause negative emotions.

Step Three: Stop saying "No" when you should say "Yes"

You're redecorating and a friend asks if they can help. You smile, "No".

The corollary to taking on too much because you fear letting people down, the people-pleaser often refuses to accept help because they feel they don't deserve it. Because of that, "nice" people don't get the support they need.

What should I do? Ask your closest friends to always ask "Are you sure?" when you refuse their help. But also try to get into the habit of asking for help, rather than offering it. Ask a close friend if they could watch your child so you and your partner could have a romantic night out. Don't worry about being judged; good friends will be happy to see you have a little time to yourself.

READ Beating Depression with 10 Easy Tips

Step Four: Stop bottling up your feelings

Most people find it hard to complain or boast. However, keeping your feelings to yourself isn't healthy. The more you bottle-up your feelings, the more you can feel that your feelings and opinions aren't worth saying.

What should I do? Come to an agreement with a friend: every time you meet, you each get ten or fifteen minutes to vent. You can complain about every little niggle, brag about every achievement. Neither will criticise or advise the other. It's strictly an opportunity to release your feelings.

Useful phrases to learn

If someone approaches you about doing something you don't want to do, learn these useful ways to say "no":

• "I'd rather not, but you have fun."
• "I'm sorry. I can't fit that into my schedule right now."
• "I don't feel like doing that - how about we do this instead?"
• "I'd have to know more about the situation before I could agree to that."
• "I wouldn't want to take on a task and do a poor job, so I'm going to say no."
• "No, I don't have the time, but thank you for asking me."

And, for the persistent asker: "Thank you for offer to [go to the Museum of Buckles and Buttons and Bows/babysit your triplets with their adorable habits of kicking my car-seats and calling me the b-word], but I've already explained that I'm not interested in doing so, and I won't change my mind. Please don't ask again."

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Do I have to stop being nice?

There's a difference between being a good person and being a "nice" one. A good person is one who doesn't try to be offensive, isn't cruel and who has reasonable manners. That's is not a bad thing to be. You can be a good person and still be an assertive person. The danger is in being a "nice" person: one of those passive-aggressive souls who hides their anxieties beneath a mask of sweet compliance.

You should aim to stop being "nice": to stop saying yes to every request (especially the ones that fill you with dread), stop refusing help that's offered, stop always putting your needs last, and stop deferring to everyone else. You can never be happy while you are hovering on the outskirts of your own life.

Aim to let others know that you know you are a strong person with opinions, value and achievements.

You can ditch the first without losing the second.