Diagnosis, and the Future with a Boyfriend on the Autistic Spectrum

The importance of diagnosis

If your boyfriend or partner has an autism spectrum disorder, it's important to get a diagnosis.

Due to problems with social interactions (preferring to be alone/engaging in social interactions that make others uncomfortable) and repetitive behaviours, many adults with autism have received diagnoses of mental illness, such as depression or schizophrenia.

Also, by being diagnosed, your boyfriend or partner will be eligible for more support at work, and will be able to access support groups, with people who understand. You, too, would benefit from joining support groups for the relatives and partners of people with autism.

Friends and relatives will also be better understand why your partner behaves in a way they may regard as "quirky".

Getting a Diagnosis

The symptoms of autism vary widely from individual to individual.

In the UK, your partner's best bet is to see a multi-disciplinary diagnostic team. Some allow you to refer yourself, but - in most cases - your partner will need to talk to their GP first. Go along with them, and present your case for referral: why you and your partner think they may be autistic. Highlight:

• Any social problems, such as inappropriate behaviour, or preferring to be alone
• Any difficulties communicating, such as not understanding irony or common idioms, like that "I'll be back in a minute" does not literally mean you'll be back in one minute
• Any problems understanding someone else's point of view, or putting themselves in another's shoes
• Any fixations on hobbies or routines
• Any sensitivities, or lack of, to light, sound, or touch.

If your GP does refer you, print out a list of multi-disciplinary teams in your area for them to choose from and take it along (if you're in the UK, please see links, below).

If you're in the USA, there are few specialists capable of diagnosing autism in adults (although this is changing). Try finding a specialist autism centre, such as an Autism Speaks Treatment Center (see links). If there are no centres close to you, try finding a specialist who works with autism in children, such as a developmental paediatrician or a paediatric neurologist, explain your case and ask if they would work with you or know of a colleague who would see you.

READ Applied Behavior Analysis And Autism: Does It Really Work?

A Happy Relationship

It is possible to have a happy and long-term relationship with an adult with high-functioning autism. You just have to know a little about the person you love.

1. Try seeing a psychologist: Working with a psychologist, or well-qualified and experienced therapist, can help your partner learn some relationship skills. Also, work with him to explain what gestures like kisses mean.
2. Tell your partner how you feel and why: He doesn't pick up your nonverbal clues. If you say "I'm fine", with your arms crossed and your feet pointed away from him, he'll think "Good". He won't know you're in a mood, or why. So tell him, "I'm cross because you..."
3. Engage with his interests: Rather than have awkward date-nights, where you eat dinner and make small-talk, try and have some dates where you can both share his passions. If his passion is art, take him to a gallery or do a hands-on class together.
4. Don't use sarcasm: He won't understand it like your other friends do. Minimally, he'll be confused. He could even be hurt or upset.
5. Ask for clarification: Sometimes people with autism use exceptionally long words (they may "perambulate" instead of "walk"), or not answer questions directly. If you don't understand what's being said, don't be afraid to ask for clarification.
6. Tolerate quirks: Say your boyfriend always wears his blue shirt and argyle socks on Wednesdays, or refuses to talk to anyone for more than one minute on the phone. Try to be tolerant. Remember these quirks are probably related to autism. However, if they're really hard to bear, have a conversation with him. Explain that sometimes you can't say everything you need to say in one minute and that you get stressed when you have to rush.
7. Be comfortable spending time alone: Your partner will need some space, to pursue projects or just be alone with his thoughts. You can learn to relish that quiet time, to read, write your magnum opus, or just enjoy a long soak in the bath.

READ Relationships: Do You Turn Things Around to Control?

The Benefits of a Partner with Autism

Sarah Henrickx, whose partner Keith - a computer programmer - was diagnosed as an adult, shortly after they met, and who has now written a book about her experiences, Asperger Syndrome: A Love Story, can see definite upsides to having a partner on the autistic spectrum, saying that women with partners with autism are blessed with a:

"committed, logical, practical, non-cheating man who wants a peaceful life, will be dedicated to the relationship and won’t drink, waste money or flirt with other women – given that he doesn’t even know how to flirt!...He will do anything for you – just as long as you tell him what to do. Don’t expect him to anticipate it."