We feel safe and valued because kindness is the opposite of judgment, and judgment is what many people try so hard to avoid.
Our Inner Child needs to be treated with deep kindness, and often we judge ourselves to get ourselves to do things right in order to attempt to control getting kindness and acceptance from others.
"You are not good enough." "If you fail, you are a failure." "If you make a mistake, you are unworthy." "If someone doesn't like you, you are not okay."
The ego wounded self believes that self-judgment will get you to shape up, yet the truth is that self-judgment creates emptiness, neediness, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. The more you judge yourself, the more you need kindness and acceptance from others. This will not change until you decide to be kind and accepting toward yourself.
Judging yourself is very unkind to yourself. You might get caught in a vicious circle of desperately needing kindness and acceptance due to your self-judgments, then judging yourself in an attempt to get others to be kind and accepting toward you, then feeling inadequate, anxious, and depressed as a result of the self-judgment, then judging yourself once again in order to get yourself to do it right in order to get the needed kindness and acceptance from others. This vicious circle of inner abandonment gradually leads to more and more anxiety, depression and low self-esteem, as well as an inability to be genuinely kind to others.
One of you jobs as a loving adult is to become aware of when you are judging yourself and to move into kindness toward both your essence – your true Self - and your wounded self who is judging. However, kindness does not mean indulging. You can kindly and gently stop your wounded self from judging yourself by consciously changing your judgmental thoughts to kind thoughts. Since your self-judgments are lies meant to control, they will always make you feel badly. If you stay staying tuned into your feelings, you can know immediately when you are judging yourself.
At that moment of awareness, you can go to your wise inner self – your source of inner guidance - and ask whether the judgment is really the truth, and what is the truth. Once you tune into the truth, you can tell this to yourself. Telling yourself the truth is kind. Judging yourself is not.
Becoming aware of your intent is vital if you are going to change from self-judgment to kindness, compassion and acceptance toward yourself. As long as your intent is to get others to be kind, compassionate and accepting toward you, you will judge yourself to try to get yourself to act right in order to control getting what you want from others. Once you shift your intent to loving yourself instead of controlling others, you will start to be aware of your feelings that come from your self-judgments. Everything changes when you move from self-judgment to kindness toward yourself.
The more you come from the truth that comes from your inner guidance rather than from the lies of your wounded self, the safer and worthier you feel. Eventually anxiety and depression are replaced by peace and joy. When kindness to yourself is your highest priority, you will treat yourself kindly in all areas of your life - physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, organizationally, and in relationships with others. You will discover that the kinder you are to yourself in all areas of your life, the kinder you are to others. When you no longer need others to validate you and make you feel safe, you will find great joy in being kind to others.
Start today by noticing your self-judgments and choosing instead to be kind to yourself.